Looking for advice

Old 09-04-2013, 01:58 AM
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Looking for advice

It's not a coincidence that I ended up here. I have a parent that has never admitted to abusing alcohol and now in my adult life I find myself in love with one. Where to start? There have been so many reasons for me to close the door on this relationship and only one to stay. I love this man more than I should. We broke up and I moved out two years ago and really tried to move on. I'm not sure if its guilt, or love that keeps me going back or sheer insanity. For the most part I only see him three times a month because I refuse to let him near my daughter. I only considered it this past weekend as he told me in March he was done with drinking. I'm moving in dour days and he offered to help. Two nights he didn't show and then ramdomly burst through my door sat night. Angry and drunk he accused me of being in another relationship. He told me I was a lying ***** and even worse than that. What caused this was he almost hit my landlords car and he came out and called him someone else's name. Since then I've been called every name in the book and what's worse is he never apologized but called me this morning to tell me he was sick from drinking. I moved out because he physically harmed me once or twice while drunk. I feel if I choose to ignore him no one will help him but I obviously cannot have a relationship with this man. I have turned away new friends isolated myself and I'm sad everyday. I used to say it was like having two children when we were together. Luckily he never exposed his behavior to my little one. I don't know how I ever could. It's so lonely this life with him. I mentioned AA. He won't do it. I told him I started therapy to deal with this and he told me I was a joke and needed it! The sad thing is I've watched him cry over his drinking. Wishing he could stop. I stopped enabling him by leaving and refusing to drink myself even socially. I never know which version of him I will get and I have lost my faith on love and hope. Do I stay or do I go now?
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Old 09-04-2013, 05:39 AM
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Are you kidding?
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:10 AM
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I think you know the answer.

Glad you won't let him near your daughter. She also deserves a mama who takes care of herself and walks away from physical and verbal abuse. You started walking away, why not keep going?

I feel if I choose to ignore him no one will help him but I obviously cannot have a relationship with this man. ... I mentioned AA. He won't do it.
Not your responsibility to help him. There's lots of help for him but he's not taking it.

Sounds like you are young, a lot of great days ahead of you. Why waste your time with an abusive A?

Take care of yourself and your little girl. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:24 AM
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I guess I do hope, deep down he will change. I'm not that young to be honest and I feel if I keep doing this with him it will age me even more, if not drive me insane. I care, alot and I so desperately want to help him. To me it's like cancer, would I walk away from someone I love if they had cancer and needed help. I'm sorry, I know that this all may sound stupid but I do care. I just don't know if I have the strength anymore to do it. He has a very good way of turing things around on me and making it seem as though it is my fault and I don't understand why.
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:32 AM
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If someone had cancer and they refused to go to a doctor or take medication that could alleviate some of their suffering, what kind of help could you give them?

On top of that if that person was mean and nasty and blamed you for their misery how would this be helping them?
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:35 AM
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"normal" to him will be cancer for you.

A's are Users. Nothing harsh in that, just what things are.

They Use their drug(s) of choice and they Use other people.

IF (big IF) he were to get clean, dry, had some year(s) that way, actually working a program -- he might be something. Actually he would be something -- a different person.

But you can do the different person thing, now.
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Old 09-04-2013, 07:38 AM
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Lookin, so many of us come on this site and "don't understand why." What we don't see (or can't or won't, in some situations) is that our lives, our problems, all follow the same pattern--it's the pattern of alcoholism.

Read the stickied threads at the top of the page. Read other threads here. Read the suggested books. Educate and inform yourself. Get to Alanon.

I believe that anyone who does those things will at least begin to understand. Everyone makes his/her own choice, but an informed choice is better than one made in ignorance or denial, IMHO.

We are all dealing with alcoholics, and they all do the same things. The only difference is the timeline regarding how long we put our own lives on hold, hoping for some miracle to happen, holding some romantic view of our A.
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:03 AM
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I'm not afraid to go to AA.
I have reached out, but I guess I started out wrong.
I ended up going to AA (alcoholics anonymous) in hopes that I could understand what or why or how. I guess I will try this alanon thing.
It scares me a bit because part of my mothers recovery, which only lasted less than a year was for me to attend these as a teenager. It didn't help her. How will this help us now? I made a promise to myself when I was little that I would never end up that way or allow my child to and look what happend, my love is a drunk. way to go! In some ways I'm thankful for putting her first, that was never the question. However I am scared to think of what would become of me if it was just him and I. Would I still be living there? What if we ever had our own child someday? Christ, the list is endless and I'm the fool with a mind of child hoping for the toy on Christmas morning that they never will get.

I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I met him.
I have seen the worst in him and the best.
I just don't know what version of him to believe is the true version. It's frustrating and I"m sure you all understand. My goal is to be at a place where I know he will be ok in order for me to walk away. Will he be okay if I leave? If he dies, or gets hurt somehow I will blame myself.
I tried approaching his family. We had a sit down and they only enabled his behavior by saying "it's ok to go home after work and have one or two beers" "but it's gotta stop after that". You and I both know it will never stop there and ultimately they ended up blaming me for bringing it all to light. He reached out to his mother back in March after an attempt at going into the city for a Rolling Stones Concert. All he remembers is waking up, bruised robbed and beaten on his mothers couch. That's when he said he would make the change! He actually called me and said he needed help but he wasn't going to detox. His own mother couldn't get him to go, how can I? This sober period lasted one week and I have smelt booze on his breath everytime I have seen him but he calmed down quite a bit up until this past weekend. I really had faith this time, I really thought he could do it. I think he did. And to top it off. while helping me move some of my things he drank right in front of me all the while saying "this could have been us moving" "we could have had it all" "but you are dumb ****" etc etc etc..It's so hurtful. then he spouts off with "I love you, even though I say I don't" "I do". WTFIT?!?!

I saw on his birthday this month his family gave him a sports related six pack beer coozy. Do you have any idea what that made me feel like? I used to tuck him in at night, clean up after his vomit and listen to his abuse. I spent a few years dumping his drinks and hiding his mess even apologizing for making him get angry at me.

I know deep down it is not me, I do so very deeply want to believe in a miracle for him. I think that is why I am here.

I don't want to be his reason for quitting. I'd be a fool to think that, but I do want him to not die of this. Is that so wrong? I just feel so helpless.
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Lookinfareason View Post
I know deep down it is not me, I do so very deeply want to believe in a miracle for him. I think that is why I am here.

I don't want to be his reason for quitting. I'd be a fool to think that, but I do want him to not die of this. Is that so wrong? I just feel so helpless.
As far as going to AA: Are you yourself an alcoholic? If not, AA is not the place for you. Alanon is for the family and friends of alcoholics. There really is no point in "understanding the what and why and how"; you still can't get him sober. All you can do is work on YOUR "what and why and how."

Addressing the quotes above: You are SO RIGHT, it is NOT you, and thank heavens you have that knowledge!

Don't worry, you WON'T be his reason for quitting. If he decides to quit, it will be for HIMSELF. Nothing wrong with wanting him not to die of it. Everything wrong with thinking you can have an effect one way or the other.
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:08 AM
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[QUOTE= He has a very good way of turing things around on me and making it seem as though it is my fault and I don't understand why.[/QUOTE]

It's hard to admit when we are doing wrong and being a total jerk. It's MUCH easier to blame someone else and call her all the names we know really apply to ourselves.

Also glad to read you aren't exposing your daughter to the abuse, but want you to know that you deserve the same protection. You have the right to be happy, healthy, and safe, just like she does. If it's not good enough for your precious, beloved daughter, it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EITHER.
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:22 AM
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No I am thanfully not an alcoholic. I have always had a fear of becoming one with my family history. I thought even social drinking was bad and a few times here and there I got drunk and felt miserable, but I really liked it too. I know it could and would go that way for me if I let it and so I never ever will.

Thank you for the Kudos POAndrea, My daughter always comes first. My ex is bitter that I won't let him be around her. I told him if he were to stop drinking for at least six months we could try, But he cannot or will not do it.

I WILL NEVER let her grow up the same way I did. And she is happy, and perfect and the only thing I hide from her is my tears.
Tears for the failure that I am for not giving her more than just me.
I am strong and I know I am brave to do this life alone, but I have been single this whole time e ven when we were together I was alone.

I am giving her the childhood that I never had. <3 and so very lucky and thankful to do so. I saw the red flags and got out of their as fast as I could, But it's so painful for me still.

He does have a good heart deep down. But I could never trust that he wouldn't do so harm while abusing. As far as I go, I grew up with an alcoholic mum and I'm pretty solid as far as what I can handle. Unfortunately I grew up to be a "fixer" because of her clearly...I didn't speak with her for three years and then finally reached out and accepted her the way she is. However, I do not let her around my child when she is using and trust me I can tell just by her tone or the way she breathes over the phone if she is. That is also painful. But I am thankful for my strength. It's a lonely life. So what to do? Continue seeing him do this for the next year when my little one is away or make a clean break?

Either one is going to hurt like hell, it already does.
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Old 09-04-2013, 09:04 AM
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Lookin, although I am sometimes ashamed to admit it, my daughters were also my primary motivation to Finally Let Go.

I say ashamed, because I wish I had had the self-love in the first place. The good news is, away from my XABF, I am finally re-building that foundation; which is a marvelous thing to model for my daughters! Truly, a WIN/WIN situation.

Not to minimize the loss and pain, mind you. That is/was a b****.

Stay strong, we are here to help!
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