Baleine

So after a horrifying weekend, where the anxiety nearly killed me, I'm almost back to normal. I'm thinking did I overreact? Do I really have a problem?

I'm afraid of what people will say when they notice that I'm not drinking anymore. I don't want people to think that I may have a problem.

Am I just being silly? How do you actually know that you have a problem with drink? I only used to have really bad nights maybe 2-3 times a year.

Dee74

I used to feel that way too Baline.
A few days went buy - I felt could again - how could I possibly have a problem?

I don't think many folks would seek out a recovery board and post if everything was hunky dory.

Don't let your addiction talk you out of doing something...I found myself drinking again and back in that same old place too many times to count.

go back and read your first posts - they don't seem hysterical or over reactive to me

D

Nattythreads

I'm afraid that while a perfectly natural reaction Baleine, really what other people think should be the least of your concerns. Blackout drinking is not normal drinking by any stretch of the imagination.

Like Dee says, don't let your addiction talk you out of taking action.

Baleine

Thanks Dee. I feel a little lost and confused. How did you know for sure that you were done?

I am just in disbelief. Surely there must be some objective way of knowing that I shouldn't drink again. I am finding it hard to trust myself and am wondering if I was just ram ling because of the hangover anxiety.

Baleine

Thanks Natty. Doesn't everyone blackout now and then though? Blackouts are almost a funny thing to me and my circle of friends, but now that I think of it, we haven't really talked or laughed about them in a few years. Maybe everyone stopped having blackouts except me..

LadyinBC

I didn't want to think I had a problem either. But once I start I can't stop.

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to you having a problem. I don't tell everyone I know that I'm an alcoholic. And if I go somewhere I just say I don't feel drinking. However, I don't normally put myself in situations where there is lots of alcohol.

ZoeM

Baleine - I asked a friend the same thing a few weeks back and she said, that 'normal' drinkers, tend to stop when they start feeling the effects. Thinking back, that's exactly what I used to do, but then it changed to where I was drinking to GET those effects (and more).

silentrun

I went and looked up your first post. You sound a lot like me. HFA getting a wake up call before things get to bad. I can't even get anyone to agree that I am one. There is only one way this goes. Still it has to be your choice. There was a thread about alcohol's tricks. Someone posted the Devil's greatest trick is convincing the world he doesn't exist. There is a progression here and some of us are lucky enough to get out early.

Baleine

Thanks everyone. I don't try to get to the stage of blackout, it's always a mistake. I don't mean to, I just forget how much I've had and then I keep going because I'm drunk at that stage and honestly, I can't really remember why I keep drinking. Again it only happens 2-3 times a year so maybe it's just a mistake ?

LadyinBC

At the end of the day Baleine you are the only one that can answer that. All we can do is give you our opinions and experiences.

Nattythreads

Funny you should mention that. We all used to wear passing out as a badge of honor. Then a lot of my older friends stopped talking about those days until I was the only one blacking out. And in later years when nobody drank enough in public to do that, blacking out on my own. So no, normal people simply don't do that.

Baleine

I really appreciate the responses. I think I know deep down. I am just in complete shock I suppose. My dad was an alcoholic and I cannot believe I have ended up like this. I am just stunned, and thinking to myself, there's no way this can be real. It really helps to hear that it's pretty normal to feel this way.

Hevyn

Hi Baleine. I'm glad you wanted to discuss this - it's great that you reached out. I wish I had - many years ago when I still could've kept my life from falling apart.

I once drank the way you do - all through my 20's & 30's. It started out being just for fun, but dangerous & scary times began to creep in. I realize now the signs of trouble were always there. I grew dependent on it in my 40's and never went anywhere or did anything if alcohol wasn't involved. Nothing seemed fun or exciting without it. I was totally hooked & was drinking a large volume every day, missing work, confusing & disappointing everyone. In my 50's - because I refused to let go of it - my world collapsed. I lost everything that I had built up - I was a shaky, pathetic mess always looking for my next drink. If I'd done what you're doing - taken an honest look at what it was doing to me - my life could have been so different. So be proud of yourself for examining this situation with eyes wide open. You'll never have to go through what many of us have. Glad you are here - hope you'll keep posting.

Baleine

Thanks so much for your reply Hevyn. It's a scary road and although it still feels so unreal to me, a part of me knows that drinking just doesn't suit me at all. I shouldn't even bother comparing myself to others who drink, I know that occasionally, I not only blackout but I almost die with the anxiety the next day. Truthfully, in the past 3 months or so, I was having extreme anxiety the morning after having maybe one or two glasses, whatever that's about. I also would forget going to bed after maybe half a bottle of wine. That can't be normal. That scares me.

Dee74

I knew I was done because I nearly died.

As funny as it sounds I'm glad that happened because I was so deep in denial about the extent of my problem I may never have stopped otherwise.

It;s my hope that noone else has to go as far as I did

People with no drinking problem don't have to try to stop, Baleine - it really is as simple as that.

D

Nighthawk8820

I did that too. I would be desperate to change and break my cycle of drinking, being hungover, embarrassing myself, etc. Then I would get sober for a week or so, and then start thinking "Im being silly, I am not a drunk" and go back out to party, only to end up with the same feelings of desperation for change in my life. I am an alcoholic because alcohol was a focal point in my life. I lived my life in a way so I could party, and it was in control. It caused problems and I wasnt happy. Anytime a substance takes control and causes you emotional or behavioral issues, then its an addiction. You will figure it out.

Eleni58

"Doesn't everyone blackout now and then though?"

I drank heavily for thirteen years and never blacked out yet I know I a an alcoholic

MythOfSisyphus

Keep this in mind- only an alcoholic feels like they need an excuse not to drink! Normal people don't think that way.

Baleine

I think you guys are right. I don't even have fun those nights, there are very little positive experiences to remember. The only thing ill miss is maybe having a nice glass of red wine with dinner. I was not the type to drink every night, maybe once a week, and only had really big nights with lots of drinks very rarely, so i don't feel like I have a habit to break.

My struggle is believing that there is anything wrong with the 'odd' drink. Except the problem is that I can never predict when the odd drink turns into a nightmare evening of horror and anxiety the next morning. I never used to know when that would happen. Actually, no, I kind of could. I would get a certain restlessness within me, where I would feel like I needed to blow off steam. All moderation and control would then go out the window because I wouldn't even think about stopping until maybe the 4th drink, and by then it's too late.

I'm not sure how regular people blow off steam. The gym is good I hear. I don't know how to relax in a healthy way.

Dee74

I heard a great quote today - paraphrased...

for guys like us, drinking in moderation is like repeatedly slamming the car door on your hand, in moderation.

(I cleaned it up...)

D