quitforme79

I thought it was at first. That if I stopped life would change for the better. And it did ...BUT..what really makes me an alcoholic is my inability to cope with life sober. That really sucks sometimes. I get sad about it because I jump right into the pity pot and it's an icky place to be, especially when I know I have so much to be grateful for. Last night I was telling my sponsor about how life isn't fair --she said if it was fair and I got what I deserved I would be dead or in jail. And it's harsh but true. And she wasn't being mean, but honest. And I needed to hear that. When I was drinking I did things that put my life and the lives of others at risk. I entertained the thought of a drink today. I started thinking "I can't stand AA, I don't like those meetings, I can make other friends" WOW. How quickly I forget how much that program has done for me. Th alter ego in my head is like this person I USED to know but she hasn't completely died yet. Maybe she never will. My addiction is such a big FAT liar. I write these things here because I need to share them--if they stay inside me it's just not healthy. And I guess I want others to see that even when the bad days come, we can get through them sober. And even now, without a cigarette Never thought I would be able to say THAT. So here's to me noticing once again how much work I really still have to do lol Everything that stresses me now has one key piece---acceptance. And I am working on that in all areas...slowly but surely. Best part about it all is I am free from the bondage of alcohol. And that's a freedom and overall happiness I do not want to give up!

Dee74

The good thing tho is we can learn to cope...we can pick up those skills Quit

It takes a little time but keep plugging away at it...you'll find coping gets a little easier the more situations you get through sober

D

Nuudawn

My friend..my friend..my friend... BUT look at you doing it anyway!!! I hope you know how much I value sharing this struggle with you my soul sista.

And don't you being going anywhere...don't you dare. Or I'll be buying myself a VW van and hippy my way all the way to the eastcoast to getcha.

Thank you for posting your struggle. I believe we likely get as much from hearing about the shared struggle as we do from the triumphs. Heck..maybe more.

quitforme79

Thanks Dee Nuudawn somehow I really do believe you would be pulling into my apartment complex to find me lol lol that means a lot to me my friend and I'm not going anywhere Not for today anyway!! I never want to be TOO SURE of my sobriety either...I hope to find that balance we speak of. Some people have seen it passing in the night I believe lol ((hugs))

DylanS

QFM - I resonated with your statement: "That if I stopped life would change for the better. And it did ...BUT..what really makes me an alcoholic is my inability to cope with life sober."

In the AA Big Book it talks about the different types of drinkers (melancholic, psychotic - emotionally unstable, etc.) and then there's the one that's basically the same as other men in every respect except for his reaction to alcohol. I am probably some mix of the former two, but nothing like the latter. I wasn't waltzing merrily through life and just happened to stumble on alcohol and, once that pesky problem was removed, continued waltzing.

No, my life was never manageable. Ever. Alcohol was my solution to that misery. Once alcohol and drugs were removed, the 'ism' is/was worse than ever. Just breathing in and out and being alive is jaggedly painful for some reason - without the spiritual reorganization that I seek. This morning I was actually thinking, "Wow, maybe I should be grateful for alcohol." It helped tide me over until I could find a real solution, otherwise I probably couldn't have stood it all those years. I may well have ended it. When alcohol/drugs quit working, it was time for a new solution. The solution, this time.

Yeah - "inability to cope with life sober"...I really relate.

quitforme79

Dylan, I know exactly what you mean... I was grateful for alcohol. It numbed my anxiety & misery but it's not selective so with it numbed all the good feelings. Thank God we do have another solution now. I don't think I can say it's easier all the time but definitely softer

LadyBlue0527

If Nuudawn comes to the east coast you two better come and get me lol.

quitforme79

Oh we will lady blue!!! hahah!!

FreeFall

Add me to the East Coast road trip

"she said if it was fair and I got what I deserved I would be dead or in jail" Now that is a sobering thought-yikes! So true though.

I think the longer we stay sober, the more things come together and the more we're able to cope. Sticking with it allows that to happen. Hang in there!