theendofmytethe

I really don't know what to do. Just taking today as an example. I had a number of pleasant texts between myself and my wife. Then, come 5:30, when I was on the train home, I got a text saying "I hate you so much". Followed by a number of nonsensical texts. I immediately knew that she was pissed again. In the last week, she has smashed the car whilst pissed, threw the laptop down the stairs breaking it, whilst pissed, smashed my phone whilst pissed, got arrested for screaming in a doctors surgery for drunk and disorderly whilst pissed, and screamed at me daily, whilst pissed. She screams at me for pouring her beer down the sink, and says that she will phone the police and tell them that I rape her every day. This has been pretty much the staple for the last 10 years. Of course, I haven't, but every time she gets arrested for passing out on the floor of a restaurant, she tells the police that I rape her every day, and that I murdered her Father, (he died of cancer a few years ago). My 11 year old Son also witnessed her scratching the hell out of my face yesterday, whilst screaming "stop hitting me". He replied with "Mummy, I am here and can see what you are doing".

I have had to take beer away from her at 9:00 AM, when I actually caught her, but I know she starts every day like this.

I used to protect myself by holding her hands, but after she then said that I beat her up by holding her hands, now just let her beat me up. She emails her mum all the time saying what an abusive husband I am. Apparently, I not only rape her every day, but also beat her up. My Son has tried to tell her that she lies all the time, but I am apparently the monster in MIL's eyes, and my Son just wants to protect me.

I have tried everything, but no matter how many times I hide/dispose of the booze, she just buys more. I have even tried saying "keep on drinking, but call a cab when you need to go somewhere", but she keeps on driving my children to/from school. I tried keeping the car keys, but my boy screams at me to let her have the car as she promises she won't drive drunk again, and the MIL tells me that I am an abusive husband for denying her car.

I am under the constant threat of her telling the police that I am a rapist, even though she has said in front of my Son that this is a lie that she is willing to tell the police.

Really at the end of my tether, and need to know what to do. The latest thing she told her mother against me, is that I can't be bothered to work as I took a week off work. The first day was because I had to look after my kids as she was arrested, and the rest of the week because my face was screwed up after she took her nails to it.

I would go divorce, but I love her. Stupid, but true.

EDIT: Sorry, I forgot to say that she already has an injunction against herself contacting a fellow mother at the school whom she threatened, another threat of injunction against a football coach to stop contacting him, and today threatened another sports coach and his family which will undoubtedly result in another injunction.

BoxinRotz

OMG. My mouth is just hanging open and I'm wondering, when will she project this violent behavior on the kids?

She's driving them drunk though. I'd throw those keys in a wooded lot in front of her.

This is not good for you or the children, never mind her! What is your plan to protect yourself and the children?

Michael59

My AW tells everyone how no good I am also,,I have a similar situation with her elderly parents which I have only helped out whenever I am called.My in laws are so called Christians who now say they can't stand me and will never call me for help again,,oh well.I have been cleaning up their daughters messes and paying her bills for the last 16 yrs.Lately I have been struggling alittle financially so I work extra,,she has a full time job and has never in 16 yrs paid anything.I don't know why they have to bad mouth us,,its pretty sad especially when these people believe it.I have to remind myself from time to time I am a good person.Good luck my friend!

theendofmytethe

She will never be violent towards the kids as long as I am there to take it.

She is driving them drunk, I have tried taking the keys. It doesn't work. I am called an abusive husband for daring to try. She has actually got onto a womans aid charity to say that I am abusive for not allowing her to drive. They agreed, and said that it is a classic way of men abusing women by refusing their right to drive. They seemed to ignore the fact that she was pissed at the time.

Plan? There is no plan. I suppose if I got divorced, my kids would want to be with me, but I have to work. Really, what am I supposed to do? Grass my wife? The most effective thing would be to get my MIL to tell her off, as my wife cares more about her opinion than anyone. Unfortunately, she only agrees with what my Wife says.

Tuffgirl

Wait, what?! That is the most effective thing you can think of? What about having her arrested!! She went after you in front of your kid, on more than one occasion - physically and verbally - and has had trouble with other people that is now documented. Call your local police! Good God, man.

Sorry for my bluntness, but man up and deal with this, before she seriously hurts or kills someone, be it purposely or out of drunken negligence. You don't have to divorce her, just get her locked up until she sobers up and let the law deal with her for a while. She's out of control and dangerous.

NWGRITS

What I want to know is why on earth are you exposing your children to this madness? They are innocents and don't deserve this brand of torture. Is this what you want them to think relationships should be like? Because that is what they are learning. For the love of all things holy, please get yourself to Al-Anon, the kids to Alateen (if they're old enough), and educate yourself about this disease. Asking anyone to tell off your wife is just going to bring more fire from hell down on your family. Please, please seek the help you so desperately need. If not for yourself, then at least do right by your kids!

AnvilheadII

at the end of your tether - to HER....let go, and get out....now. NO child should be exposed to any of this, ever, even once....get them out and away from her. she drives drunk with your precious irreplaceable babies in the car. she is DANGEROUS. insane.

NWGRITS

Yes. Now.

Also, whose name is on the vehicle registration and insurance? Is it you? If so, when she wrecks that car and hurts or kills someone, YOU are liable for it. Stop making excuses, put your big boy panties on, and keep her from driving that car. Better yet, take the advice above and get gone. The sooner the better.

EnglishGarden

So very painful to read this. What a nightmare of a home.

But I know that many people do become as psychologically ill as the alcoholic and though the world would see your ineffectiveness and cowardice toward her --and your son with a decade of suffering abandonment by you both--and say "What in the world is the matter with you?".....I have to say that this is codependency in its most toxic and extreme form. Codependency in the extreme is when we sacrifice our children in order to hang on to the alcoholic. It is child abuse, and that is what you are guilty of. I am sorry to say it, for I know how ill you have become, living with an insane individual. But if there is any shred of reason in you, then you will have to listen to what we are saying: your children are victims of parental abuse. By both parents.

If you refuse to divorce her, at least send your son weekly to a child psychiatrist who can begin the many-years counseling he will need to reclaim his precious self. Do the same for the other child, or children, when they are old enough.

BoxinRotz

I know many single parents who raise children alone and are working. You have options. If you can't travel anymore for work, then so be it. You do what you have to do for your children and their safety.

I'm doubtful, with you being away on travels/work, that your wife is mother of the year to your children.

I'm sorry you are in this but you are and SOMEONE (YOU) has to step up and be the childrens' advocate because she certainly isn't.

Dublin

theendofmytether, I am sorry you are living through this and I know it sounds harsh the advice you are getting. One thing you do know is that everything you have tried to date didn't work so you need to do something different. For a start stop trying to control her drinking You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you have no control over it. That is the first thing I learned in alanon. So pouring drink down the drain and taking drink away from her is no good, she will find more. Look at what you CAN control. Your behavior and the welfare of your children. Try to get to an alanon meeting and look into alateen for your children or get them counselling if you can. Her opinion of you, her mother's opinion of you are out of your control but you can regain self esteem and have a good opinion of yourself and you can be the one sane strong reliable parent for your children. I know you love your wife but currently you are not helping her, she needs to be responsible for her own actions. What you can do is protect your children for both you and her so that if at some point she finds recovery she may then be in a position to rebuild relations with you and her children but right now she is wrecking your family. It is a family disease and it is progressive so things will get worse but you can do something about it you can help yourself and your children to get healthy regardless of her drinking or not. Please know that people here want to help you and care about you and your family so if they sound harsh it is out of concern. It is very hard when you love someone and have to watch them destroy things. You can do this you can change things for the better for you and your family but you won't do it by trying to help her. Change your focus, help yourself and your children detach with love from your wife. Do not accept unacceptable behavior from her. Do not engage with her when she is drunk. Do not allow her to drive your children while she is drunk. If you can't bring yourself to take the keys off her have a neighbor, friend or family member drive your children or drive them yourself. Take time off work if you need to until you can put a plan in place that involves your children being safe at all times. You have options, you might not like them but you have them. You don't have to divorce your wife but you do need to be safe and you need for your children to be safe. Read more on here, get to alanon, ask friends and family for support and start to make changes for you and your family. Your wife will do what she does and maybe she'll hit rock bottom and seek recovery but regardless you should not have to live like this and your children - no child - should have to live like this. Do something positive for you today and accept that though you have tried to help your wife you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable - that's step 1. We know how much pain you are in, people here have felt this pain. We also know you can find serenity and you can change things. Apologies again if you feel we are being harsh. I wish you all the best and your children are in my thoughts.

POAndrea

I am so sorry for your pain and fear. I hope it has helped you to put it out here for us at SR, helped you enough to know that the more you tell people the better you feel and better prepared and supported you are to make changes. And this has to change--your situation sounds completely unsustainable. Not to mention dangerous and traumatic to you and your child. If you do nothing else, please take the keys away from her to ensure your son's safety. So what if she calls the law; let her. If we've arrested her in the past for public intoxication and served her with multiple protective orders, we already know she's an alcoholic and quite possibly a nut case. Let her accuse you of murdering her father; we can look at the death certificate and talk to his doctors to find the truth. As for the claims of sexual assault, if a competent investigator spends enough time talking to her, much less you and your son, s/he will figure your wife out straight away. Let the sun shine in. Drunks and manipulators hate that.

firebolt

Yeah - I agree with tuff girl. It's time to have her arrested - for domestic violence, and for drunk driving and child endangerment! She HAS to have the consequences of her drinking fall on herself - where it should be....rather than on you and your child, where it has been. Good luck, my heart goes out to you and your little on. (((Hugs)))

Sueski

Tether, are you bailing her out of jail? Maybe it is time to NOT do that. Can you or the 11 year old call the police when she attacks you?

Will someone at the school keep an eye out and report it immediately if she turns up drunk to pick up the children? You know this is not okay to allow. You know this has to stop before someone is hurt or killed.

Please, I know you love her, but honey, you have to love those children more. Who the hell else is going to save them??? I say this not to be mean, but in the hopes that you will make some changes.

Take care of yourself, and those kids. Please. Everyone here, and I mean everyone, will be here to support you. We get it. We do, even though you probably feel very defensive about the replies you are getting. Please just hear the wisdom and take some steps to protect the kids, if not for yourself. I'm entirely serious when I ask who else can save them.

Flavia2

In this situation, when the police arrive and you have marks all over your face, SHE will be arrested for domestic battery. It happened to a couple I know. She insisted HE had hit HER, but as there was not a mark on her and he was bleeding, the police arrested the woman. She now has a record for domestic violence.

Skymitchg

So sorry you are in this sitation. I know others replies may sound harsh, hopefully you give them some thought. Everyone on here has experience with an alcoholic, some have reached a calm happy place in their lives, some are still working on it. Some come here only because they care and want to offer advice and support to others who are still struggling. You wife needs to be responsible for her actions. You cannot change her, she will decide if/when she will stop drinking. But there are things you can do, take the keys, when she drives drunk she puts you, your precious children, and others on the road in extreme danger! It sounds to me like the threat to tell the police that you are a rapist is a manipulation tactic used to get her what she wants. Whatever action you are doing she throws that threat at you and you back down. As you have said she is having issues with people outside your home now too, hopefully the police would realize and your son would probably back up that you are innocent. When she physically attacks you maybe you could take your children and leave for a bit? One of the things I am still learning is not to engage when they are drunk. There are lots of books, resources about addiction, I am finding it helpful to learn about addiction and how some things you think would be helping them are actually harmful. Hopefully you will keep reading and posting here, hopefully you find something in these posts helpful. Hopefully it will ease your mind to know that you are not alone. Hopefully you will realize that your wife is not the most important, you and your child are too and you deserve peace, happiness and calm and you do have the power to have that!

ZoeM

Just like to add - YOU have the choice to walk away, your child doesn't
Hope things work out.