ersatzmatriarch

so, a week and a half ago, i had a small stress-induced "i need a drink" thought while at the zoo. i immediately responded with "no i don't" and that was that. i even silently chuckled at the feeble attempt my inner alcoholic threw at me.

this past saturday, i had another crazy-kids, stress-induced "i need a drink" moment... but this one went into major overdrive. i had a knock-down, drag-out with that one... but my sobriety won.

last night, after a wonderful day of feeling great and tucking the kids in with kisses for sweet dreams on the night before school, i drove out to a meeting. in my car for less than a minute (still feeling just great) i get "wouldn't it be nice to ditch the meeting and enjoy the last moments of summer break with a bottle of wine in a parking lot?" what the hell?!?! no. not it would not be lovely. it'd be worse than horrific. but, i seriously considered it... until a song i love came on that really speaks to me of what i went through to choose sobriety in the first place. i went to the meeting (at a treatment center) where i learned that two of my fellows there relapsed in the past 24 hours and were back in detox. message received, loud and clear.

now today... first day back at school for my two oldest kids... i freaking obsessed about when i would normally have been drinking (starting at 10am) from the minute i got back home from dropping the kids off, until i went with the youngest to pick them back up at 2:45. (i did not drink, and i'm not going to.)

the lesson for me here is two-fold... that alcoholic is still alive and well and getting desperate to attack on so many fronts, and i know for sure that if i give in i'm giving up my entire life. i'm just now starting to like my life and who i am, so i'll continue to choose sobriety.

i just really wish that alcoholic would shut the eff up already. i had a cakewalk for the first month, the second month and most of the third were not extremely uncomfortable even for some ups and downs, but the tail-end of three and the start of four is twisting me up like mad!

i'm still not drinking... i'm soldiering on and tapping into my resources a lot... but, it does get better, right? does that alcoholic ever kind of shut up?

FourSeasons

Stay strong, ersatzmatriarch! I love your above quote and how your brain responded... Seriously, that would not have been lovely at all!! LOL... Keep on Keep'n on!!!

PippoRossi

Great post, ersatz. Especially the first paragraph that I quoted above. You've got the right idea - remember to stay vigilant. You can do this. And, yes, the AV does eventually shut up. The chatter will go away. But, beware...the AV is a real sweet talker and he/she can catch you off guard at any moment.

Leshar

Perhaps with the going back to school season etc, part of you "remembers" that you used to be drinking, hence the urges re-surfacing, ie maybe its not so much a factor of being into your 4th month(yay for you!). One would hope as you now do all these things sober that these urges will extinguish over time, as you carry out these and other "seasonal" events sober.

I'm sure others with more experience will weigh in, but good for you, i remember your story and I admire your resolve very much!

PaperDolls

For me, the voice will always be there but it has less and less to say and much less power.

Remember, each time you get through one of these moment .... you have that to draw on in the future. You CAN make it through crappy moments and stay sober!

ersatzmatriarch

wow... and now i'm crying. SR is the best!!

Olive1

^^This.

Dee74

for me it faded and faded until now, if it's still speaking, I can't hear it

you're doing great EM

D