MrsSalty

I am fairly new to this forum and have only posted a few times. My husband is about 6 weeks sober from pills (mostly oxys) and alcohol. He went to detox (6 days) then to an inpatient rehab that let him out shortly after 2 weeks of being there. He is embracing his recovery, focusing on the "big blue book" from AA and conciously working the steps, so far. He has attended at least 1 meeting a day, sometimes 2. He is seeing an addictions counselor and got the vivitrol shot to block any opiate "high" for a month, already has the next scheduled. He's been "trying" around the house and with our young child.... which is more than I have seen, like, ever... or at least in a few years.

I have been to a few al-anon meetings and have one I'm planning on going to tonight. I am seeing an addictions specialist as well to help me deal with my side of this disease. However, I am having a REALLY hard time getting over all my anger and resentment. I feel like the way he's acting right now is just that... an act. I know only time will tell, but it seems so put on because it is so far opposite of his "using" actions. I am left with a ton of debt to deal with from his using, which is technically his debt but since we are married and I do not trust him with a dollar I am trying to handle payments because hey, if we work out, I'd like to not have his credit ruined down the road. I am dealing with the fact that he did this behind my back very heavily for at least like a year and to some extent for many years prior to that. I have no trust in him whatsoever. I want to trust him because of his "new" actions but I won't allow myself to.

I'm angry over what he's done to our family. I'm angry over what he's taken away from me. I feel taken advantage of because I'm the money maker of the household and have been for pretty much the extent of our marriage. We spent years trying to clean up his credit at the beginning of our marriage and now its a mess again. All while I've worked my butt off and he has pretty much rode my coat tails.

I want to work it out because I swore I'd never divorce, but I really worry that I'll never get past this anger. On the other hand, it is still early on but HOW do I even manage putting this in the past. I am very independent and very capable of caring for my self and our child on my own, which I think almost makes this harder. I don't have to rely on him.

I'm just so up in the air.... any words of advice are welcome.

Thanks,

Katiekate

Hi MrsSalty,

You sound like a pretty amazing woman.

You really do!

So how bout you give yourself a whole lot of time and compassion.

You have been through so much, it is going to take you a long time to sort through all of this.

You too are in recovery. Try not to future trip, the only day you have is today, you feel the way you feel, it's okay, you can't answer these questions today, probably not tomorrow either, but you will, in time.

Rest, take care of yourself, keep the faith, and just try to muddle threw one moment at a time. You will heal. xo

LoveMeNow

When my husband took Vivitrol, he was amazing. He said he hadn't felt so "sane" in a long time. I kind of coasted on working on my program because I made the mistake of falling into the old Codie trap of "if he is better, we are better so I am better" thinking.

When my husband stopped taking the shot he was still not able to maintain his sobriety for an extended period of time even with 1-2 meetings a day.

I share this with you as a cautionary tale. Keep working your program and you will be ok, no matter what.

lesliej

Normalizing your own feelings might help you out a little. Why wouldn't you have some anger and resentment still? You were betrayed and deceived and your trust was broken. You can't really expect it to just vanish. It just hasn't been long enough yet. Anger is a very useful and telling emotion. Anger is a red flag that tells you your boundaries are in danger. Your boundaries have been betrayed. You're angry.

Over time, if you work a program and seek your own serenity...you will probably discover that letting go of anger and resentment is for YOU...not for him. The anger and resentment is in your head, heart and soul...not his. So, of course you want to work on ways toward healing those feelings, because...hey...who wants to live their lives angry and resentful?

A good program has helped me to understand something about spiritual autonomy. While we are all connected for better or for worse...those who betray their connections must suffer their own guilt and heal from it...and those who were betrayed must suffer the pain of that, forgive the guilt, and heal as well. Forgiving the guilt is about us, not them.

Once bitten, twice shy, has also been informative for me. You might also hold on to anger and resentment as a protective device.

You will find your way. You are right where you need to be. Now you get to start focusing on where you might like to get to...and I bet that place has some freedom from anger. The great news in a good program is that your eventual freedom from anger does not need to depend on anyone but you!

MrsSalty

Wow thanks so much!!!! You have no idea how much your replies help me feel a little better.... alot better actually right now.

I am having trouble "focusing on me" which is what I'm being told to do. What do "I" want 10 years down the road, but at the same time, taking this day by day. Its a hard balance. I never had a problem focusing on me prior to my marriage. I have learned since this all unfolded that really I have been focusing on making him happy, and now of course, most of all our child. (not just making our child happy but taking care of him in general) I do things for myself. I workout, I have a hobby I got to restart a few years ago that I had "given up" for my husband that was a HUGE part of my life prior, but now I'm told to focus more on myself. I purchased some books to read to help me focus on my "inner self" in hopes that maybe that will help me find answers and move forward... whatever that forward may bring.

pravchaw

Even if he is faking it - there is some value. There is a AA saying "fake it till you make it" and many do make it. A good friend of mine did after over 20 years of being drunk as a skunk. My son, unfortunately did not take to AA.

My friend says the early test is step 4 (make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). Many people cannot get past that or do a dishonest job and then leave the program.

someoneswife

My husband has been clean 60 days and I struggle with anger and resentment. The biggest help for me has been letting myself feel those feeling and reminding myself that they will pass. Today might be angry and resentful and tomorrow I might be hopeful and peaceful and that's ok. I'm allowed to feel that way. I don't have to feel bad for being angry. Also my husband and I see a family therapist once a week and she told us that it might take a year to really forgive the things he has done. Addiction causes so much hurt and that doesn't just go away when someone gets clean. It lingers. I also tell my husband when I'm having those days. It actually has helped telling him because he knows where I'm at that day. He completely understands that I have to let myself feel these feelings so that I can put them behind me.

MrsSalty

Pravchaw- Oh I totally get the fake it til you make it, but I am having trouble accepting that, because I truely do feel like that's what it is.

someswife- You know, I finally broke down and told him, completely in tears, how much this has effected me. I don't me me as a "victim" but just that this recovery is a family recovery and that I am trying to work on myself but I do have those feelings of anger and resentment. I get really frustrated by him trying to be intimate with me. At first, I was with him because I think I was just so happy to see him clean. As he has dove into AA I'm feeling like this is a false persona and of course with each day that he's home I just realize how much anger I have. He doesn't seem to understand WHY I don't want to be intimate. I can only imagine I'm not the only one with this problem. I honestly dont even want to sleep in the same bed. I've been sleeping elsewhere in the house. Tonight he tried to guilt trip me into our bed, which by all means would be more comfy but I just don't have it in me.

allforcnm

I think the process of getting past anger / granting forgiveness just takes time. I was also told that it takes as long as it takes, and we need to allow ourselves to feel all of our feelings. If we try to rush through them without reconciling within ourselves then most likely the negative feelings will bubble back up when we least expect or want them to. If we try to suppress them or ignore them, then the same thing will happen.

In relation to my husband and forgiveness, what helped me the most was the marriage counseling we started when he was in rehab. We talked about everything that had gone on with both of us during his active addiction. I could see the regret, the pain he felt & in some way that made it easier for me to let go and forgive. I also learned, there were a lot of things that I had to forgive myself for; Regrets, mistakes.... This was a very important step for me. I had a lot that I had been holding against myself !

We were told it was beneficial to be honest with each other. So I think it is good that you broke down and confided to your husband about your feelings. I also understand about the intimacy issue. My husband and I took it slow at first, and he did not pressure me. I would be a little put back about him trying to guilt you; but I sort of think it could be the difference in thinking men vs. women. My experience is that we need that emotional connection and to feel safe first. But for a lot of men, they seem to need the interaction first and this deepens the emotional aspect. I would suggest maybe trying to build up to it with some "dating" activities where you can relate as couple. Not "a couple in recovery", or "parents", but just as people remembering what brought you together in the first place.

Glad to hear you are starting to do things just for you. I can relate to the "mommy" situation. I woke up a while back and realized, I enjoyed playdough time a bit too much. I needed to get back into a few of the grown up activities I used to enjoy because I was losing "me" and turning into "sons mommy and playmate". I still like playdough though.....

MrsSalty

wow, allforcnm that is just right on. thanks so much

allforcnm

I was going to comment on this in my earlier post, but I forgot yesterday. My husband also used the Vivitrol (naltrexone) shot. He got the first one after his detox while he was in the hospital, and then another one the next month while he was in 3 month rehab. He decided to stop the shots for his last month in rehab and focus on working in therapy. (I was worried about it, because it was advised for him to stay on it longer; but it worked out fine for him). They told us working with a therapist/counselor is very important while your on the medicine; because its a package deal, and the therapy would get him where he needed to be in the long run. So we had a good experience with it.

blueholly

You know what I tell my self and my husband. (we are in process of divorce, which I said I would NEVER do... Never say never) It took us years to get in this mess. And you expect me to believe that you are "clean" just because you MIGHT have been clean for a month or to? Actions speak louder that words. And talk is cheap. His actions to me are louder than an NFL stadium on super bowl sunday. And his talk is as cheap as a 3 dollar bill. That's what I say to him....
It's ok to be angry... You have every right to be! But work on getting past it... one way or another... don't carry it with you forever. I still am working on my own anger. That arises everytime he breaks promises to the kids ect....but time will heal...and you are correct. Time will tell if he is acting.....
remember this.... how long did it take you to get to this place with his addiction.... and how much longer will it take for you to get past what he is done. Look at it like this. You can gain weight in a few days. But it takes twice as long to work it off!!

heatherp78

Time for the anger to pass it took me ages to get over all the things my husband has done although I will never forget what we have all been through taking everyday as it comes and enjoying the little things that make you smile xxoo