PippoRossi

Hi, All. I've been pretty proud of my sobriety thus far. When I stopped drinking last year I didn't tell anyone, except for people here on SR. I didn't even tell my husband because I just wanted to get better without the judgement from anyone.

Only a couple of months ago did I share with him that I had been drinking a lot up until the time I decided to quit in August 2012. Then yesterday we get into an argument about communication styles and somehow we end up talking about (pretty much for the first time) my past drinking.

He started asking me if I stopped at bars to drink (!!!) because he was home and couldn't understand why he didn't know I was drinking alone. I assured him I did not drink in bars and I never drank and drove. He pretty much likened my drinking to having an affair. Said it was the same thing because I had been living a secret life. He thinks I should have shared my troubles with him and he's obviously hurt by it.

Anyway, this totally sux. Here I was all happy-go-lucky with my sobriety and now I have to deal with this??? I guess it's only fair since, even though for me I quit over one year ago, to my husband it is like it just happened since he is learning everything now.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Can anyone give me a word of advice, or even share a similar story with me? Anything would be great.

Thanks.

jdooner

I am not sure of your relationship but I can understand both sides. He feels like you have kept something from him while, I am guessing you were ashamed or too proud and wanted to do this on your own since you drank alone. Fix a hidden problem secretly. But now that you have come clean its a problem?

My wife just had an affair, and blames the drinking. Its not the same thing but the lack of trust might be similar. My guess is communication may help here.

ScottFromWI

I'd say look at it from his point of view. How would you feel if he had been doing the same without telling you?

PippoRossi

Thanks for your response, jdooner. It helps to hear a guy's point of view. You hit the nail on the head: I was both ashamed and too proud to say anything and I wanted to do this on my own. I definitely told him I quit drinking a long time ago, but I don't think he understood how crucial it was for me since he didn't know the extend of my drinking. That being said, we all know that those who don't have trouble with alcohol can never really understand those of us who actually do. Yeah, I think he really brought it up because I had brought something up from the past so he said, "As long as we're talking about the past..." And so it goes.

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you are having with your wife. I grew up with a father who screwed around on my mom for years. She finally divorced him a couple of years ago after he was caught frequenting "ladies of the evening" he contacted on Craigslist. Classy! Anyway, my whole teenage and adult life has been tainted by my father's actions. I've been with my husband since 1992 and we have been faithful to eachother the entire time. That being said, that still doesn't stop me from thinking "the other shoe is going to drop" and that he's going to leave. It's an irrational fear, and one that he clearly recognizes. So, yes, the lack of trust is really the crux here.

PippoRossi

Hi, Scott. Thanks for your response. You make a good point. My husband said to me, "If you found out I had been doing this you would have walked."

asoberliferocks

I kind of went through the same thing with my husband, I think they see it as deception so wonder if it can spill in to other subjects. I told him I was so embarrassed that I hid it from him and it was my dirty little secret. Actually, I never even told him the full extent of it, to me that is private. All that matters now is that I don't drink anymore and never will again. Going on a year and a half clean and sober, loving life!! Stay strong! You have accomplished a great thing!!

PippoRossi

Thanks for your post. Yes, I can totally see how he could think that the deception could spill into other subjects. That makes total sense! Like you, I was so embarrassed by it - no one knew! Just me, myself and I. Yeah, there really is no need to go into all the gory details. Why bother?

Can I ask if your husband has "gotten over it" or has he forgiven you, yet?

By the way, congrats on your 1.5 years of sobriety. That's fantastic!

Dejvice

He will get over it, at least he should get over it if he has a brain.

I think he is being selfish. He should be thinking......'hey I got a wife that has nailed it her way, she did good, she is strong'.

So what if you left him out of the loop....you had to deal with it your way. But here is an interesting thing to think about....if you knew that your husband would be so upset about not knowing you had stopped, would you have stopped?........I am sure you would have still stopped.

Well done 379 days!!!!!!!

ReadyAtLast

Sorry,I tend to disagree with the other posts. I think your husband is being unfair. Surely he has noticed in the past year that you've quit totally. If not, he can't be very observant. I can understand him being maybe surprised that you drank as much as you did but to liken it to an affair and accuse you of straying off to bars is, I think, unfair. Sounds like he's making it about him rather than about you.

Maybe he is embarrassed or feels deep down that he's let you down by you not being able to confide in him or giving him to opportunity to solve the problem/cure you as many men like to . stay calm and give him time

phoebe64

I have not told my husband about quitting this time. he also drinks and does not nag me to stop anyway. Though, he knows it affects my health and is fine about me stopping, but he isn't stopping. Not a defiant thing, but i think he cannot stop, so he does not get mad at me for drinking and I do not try to force him to stop.

So, what does bother me on this subject is it highlights a lack of intimacy between us. It hurts that we do not have that soul mate thing where we tell each other everything and support one-another. It feels like a distance between us. But alcohol makes for dysfunction, right?

So, in your shoes, or your husband's shoes, I can see where he might feel left out of helping you, of being a support to you, and a confidant. I can also see the shock of realizing you so successfully did something behind his back. It may feel like a betrayal of trust.

I do also think this is something that could be worked out, and talked through, if it is not indicative of a general lack of communication and intimacy overall. I cannot imagine not knowing that my husband drinks. He smells after one beer. But if one travels there is much time for drinking with the spouse gone, etc...

Can you talk it out some more, maybe see a marriage counselor if it is not going well. Maybe having someone to help you talk it out would be helpful.

So awesome you have so much sober time! Congratulations. be proud and do not let this ruin that. I think this situation is more about overall communication in your relationship, not your drinking and sobriety.

I hope he understands once he has some time to digest it all.

RobbyRobot

Hi PippoRossi, congrats on your sobriety!

You know, since you already shared with him a couple months ago, and you guys just argued about yesterday - I'd say you guys have an awesome relationship that really respects each others boundaries?!

For him, he can be happy you've already quit, and for you, you can be happy he wants to know all about everything around your past drinking and your past quitting. Awesome.

I don't really see a "problem" here myself - it looks all good if what you guys want is to really just have a great discussion a few times to really get on the same page then why not?!

I realize you're embarrassed and such, and yet you've also now feelings of success too to balance things out, so don't let your internal struggles cause doubts in your love for each other in a committed relationship - no one needs that noise, lol.

I'm sure you guys will work thru this in your own times.

foolsgold66

My vote is, holy fricking crow he must be unobservant!

PippoRossi

Thanks for your response, Robby. It's almost as if you know me! My husband and I have an unconventional relationship. I'm sure it's not for everyone, but it doesn't have to be. I appreciate your insight.

PippoRossi

LOL, FoolsGold! No, he really isn't unobservant at all. From what I've read here on SR, it's really not all that uncommon for those closest to you to be the last ones to know. That may not have happened in your case, but it did in mine. The time I was drinking we were both extremely busy and tired. He just attributed my actions to my being tired. And, sadly, I played along.

PippoRossi

Well, thank you all for your advice. I have enjoyed reading all the different perspectives.

foolsgold66

OK. Honestly I think he's being a bit ridiculous, but I would just apologize and move on. First rule of marriage, you don't have to be wrong to apologize.

PippoRossi

Thanks, FoolsGold. I do appreciate your input. I have apologized and he seems fine with it all. I, too, think him comparing it to an affair is a bit over the top.