Telling a partner's family....
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Telling a partner's family....
My ex-partner has been struggling with an opiate addiction for at least 3 years now. We were together for 4 years until very recently, when I decided it was best for both of us if we separate. He's tried three different treatment programs, but each time he relapsed, and lied to me about it for months, and in various ways, to cover it up. His most recent relapse was the worst, and he created a mountain of lies to hide it from me. I am very conflicted in my decision to leave, but I just can't trust him anymore, even though I still love him very deeply.
My ex is very, very hurt that I've left him, and we're not currently on speaking terms. I'm writing now because I'm still very worried about him, and I'm really struggled with how to help. We struggled with this in silence, just the two of us, for a couple of years. I've begged him to tell his family, but he's so far refused. He also hasn't been able to follow a recovery program for more than a couple of months at a time. In recent months, he told a couple of our friends about it at my insistence, and mostly for my own benefit.
I decided recently that I needed to tell his family. Without me there, I just need to know that there is going to be someone else out there that will worry about him. I think it will really be for the best in the long run. I warned him that I was planning to write to his family soon, giving him the opportunity to call and tell them himself. He never did. After a lot of back and forth in my head, I just sent an email to his family today. I thought I'd get some relief having done this, but I feel really horrible. My ex is very angry with me. I feel like I've betrayed his trust, and I'm not sure it was my place to do this. He keeps insisting that he was planning to tell them face to face sometime soon, but I just couldn't keep waiting for that to happen because I'm not positive that it ever would...
I guess I'm just looking for some small amount of validation that I did the right thing by forcing his hand. It just feels really ******.
My ex is very, very hurt that I've left him, and we're not currently on speaking terms. I'm writing now because I'm still very worried about him, and I'm really struggled with how to help. We struggled with this in silence, just the two of us, for a couple of years. I've begged him to tell his family, but he's so far refused. He also hasn't been able to follow a recovery program for more than a couple of months at a time. In recent months, he told a couple of our friends about it at my insistence, and mostly for my own benefit.
I decided recently that I needed to tell his family. Without me there, I just need to know that there is going to be someone else out there that will worry about him. I think it will really be for the best in the long run. I warned him that I was planning to write to his family soon, giving him the opportunity to call and tell them himself. He never did. After a lot of back and forth in my head, I just sent an email to his family today. I thought I'd get some relief having done this, but I feel really horrible. My ex is very angry with me. I feel like I've betrayed his trust, and I'm not sure it was my place to do this. He keeps insisting that he was planning to tell them face to face sometime soon, but I just couldn't keep waiting for that to happen because I'm not positive that it ever would...
I guess I'm just looking for some small amount of validation that I did the right thing by forcing his hand. It just feels really ******.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by gordi 
My ex-partner has been struggling with an opiate addiction for at least 3 years now. We were together for 4 years until very recently, when I decided it was best for both of us if we separate. He's tried three different treatment programs, but each time he relapsed, and lied to me about it for months, and in various ways, to cover it up. His most recent relapse was the worst, and he created a mountain of lies to hide it from me. I am very conflicted in my decision to leave, but I just can't trust him anymore, even though I still love him very deeply.
My ex is very, very hurt that I've left him, and we're not currently on speaking terms. I'm writing now because I'm still very worried about him, and I'm really struggled with how to help. We struggled with this in silence, just the two of us, for a couple of years. I've begged him to tell his family, but he's so far refused. He also hasn't been able to follow a recovery program for more than a couple of months at a time. In recent months, he told a couple of our friends about it at my insistence, and mostly for my own benefit.
I decided recently that I needed to tell his family. Without me there, I just need to know that there is going to be someone else out there that will worry about him. I think it will really be for the best in the long run. I warned him that I was planning to write to his family soon, giving him the opportunity to call and tell them himself. He never did. After a lot of back and forth in my head, I just sent an email to his family today. I thought I'd get some relief having done this, but I feel really horrible. My ex is very angry with me. I feel like I've betrayed his trust, and I'm not sure it was my place to do this. He keeps insisting that he was planning to tell them face to face sometime soon, but I just couldn't keep waiting for that to happen because I'm not positive that it ever would...
I guess I'm just looking for some small amount of validation that I did the right thing by forcing his hand. It just feels really ******.
My ex is very, very hurt that I've left him, and we're not currently on speaking terms. I'm writing now because I'm still very worried about him, and I'm really struggled with how to help. We struggled with this in silence, just the two of us, for a couple of years. I've begged him to tell his family, but he's so far refused. He also hasn't been able to follow a recovery program for more than a couple of months at a time. In recent months, he told a couple of our friends about it at my insistence, and mostly for my own benefit.
I decided recently that I needed to tell his family. Without me there, I just need to know that there is going to be someone else out there that will worry about him. I think it will really be for the best in the long run. I warned him that I was planning to write to his family soon, giving him the opportunity to call and tell them himself. He never did. After a lot of back and forth in my head, I just sent an email to his family today. I thought I'd get some relief having done this, but I feel really horrible. My ex is very angry with me. I feel like I've betrayed his trust, and I'm not sure it was my place to do this. He keeps insisting that he was planning to tell them face to face sometime soon, but I just couldn't keep waiting for that to happen because I'm not positive that it ever would...
I guess I'm just looking for some small amount of validation that I did the right thing by forcing his hand. It just feels really ******.
If it were my son I'd have wanted to know though so I can see both sides.
That said, we all screw up especially with addiction. I guess I could be called "Ms. Screw Up" for all the things I did wrong regarding my addicted son.
Addicts are VERY resourceful. If they want someone to worry about them they will surely find them. Deep down his parents may already know or know something is wrong but not what.
But whatever, just be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up about it if you at some point regret doing it. Personally I'm glad you are out of that mess. Stay strong.
Hugs, Kari
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I'm sorry that you are experiencing the anguish of dealing with an addicted loved one.
Just as your love was not powerful enough to stop your ex's addiction, his family's love is not powerful enough either. If love and worry was all it took.......none of us would be here.
Did you do the right thing? Hard to know. Time always reveals more.
Addiction has consequences. As loved ones, we often want to either protect them from the consequences or force the consequences to happen. Either way, we are trying to control the situation. Most of us (at least I can speak for myself) have done this numerous times and have found that often, our attempts to control the situation backfires on us.
What is done is done at this point. You have no choice but to ride it out and see what happens. There is no absolute right answer as to whether or not telling his family about his addiction. It is terrible feeling to hide and cover up someone's addiction and if you have been a part of doing so in the past, perhaps this was your truth that you needed to do for your own benefit.
Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease.......we understand.......we all love someone who is addicted. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Just as your love was not powerful enough to stop your ex's addiction, his family's love is not powerful enough either. If love and worry was all it took.......none of us would be here.
Did you do the right thing? Hard to know. Time always reveals more.
Addiction has consequences. As loved ones, we often want to either protect them from the consequences or force the consequences to happen. Either way, we are trying to control the situation. Most of us (at least I can speak for myself) have done this numerous times and have found that often, our attempts to control the situation backfires on us.
What is done is done at this point. You have no choice but to ride it out and see what happens. There is no absolute right answer as to whether or not telling his family about his addiction. It is terrible feeling to hide and cover up someone's addiction and if you have been a part of doing so in the past, perhaps this was your truth that you needed to do for your own benefit.
Addiction is a baffling and cunning disease.......we understand.......we all love someone who is addicted. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks for the replies. I absolutely have been helping him lie and cover up his addiction for years now, and I guess that's what prompted me to finally reach out to his family. I would just never forgive myself if something horrible happened to him and they had to find out that way. I know they will be no better able than I was to force him into sobriety, and I can admit my reasons for telling them were partly selfish. By refusing to tell anyone else in our life, I felt like the responsibility of helping him with his addiction fell squarely on my shoulders, and I've wanted so much to share that burden with other people that love him. It's just been incredibly lonely and scary being the only person in his life to provide him support. Whether or not that justifies my actions, I don't know. I guess what's done is done.
I've already heard back from his sibling, who seemed thankful that I reached out (and honestly, not that surprised). So I'm feeling a little bit better, even though my ex is very upset. I guess only time will tell if it will end up helping him at all.
I've already heard back from his sibling, who seemed thankful that I reached out (and honestly, not that surprised). So I'm feeling a little bit better, even though my ex is very upset. I guess only time will tell if it will end up helping him at all.
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As I read it you motivation was to care for him and you were worried that he was alone when you left him. There is not right or wrong in such decisions they are made with the heart.
If he was my son and I did not know, I would have been thankful if you would tell me.
If he was my son and I did not know, I would have been thankful if you would tell me.
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