Calling All Moms...And Wannabe's
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Calling All Moms...And Wannabe's
Wow - I had to start a new post...I was getting dizzy jumping back and forth.
JT - crying your eyes out is a good way to relieve the pain you have been going through lately. You said you hadn't really cried for a long time. Well now is the time lady, get the kleenex. And keep the Ben & Jerry's handy. And a good nonrecovery book will help take your eyes off things for a brief vacation.
MG - You too are probably about ready for a few hours in the fetal position. Fear is our worst enemy and right now it is hovering like "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" (was that a duck pond?)
I love you both with all my heart, and I know exactly how much this hurts. And I hurt to see you hurt.
Since I may be the only mom not in crisis right this second, I am going to give you both a little "motherly advice" (with cookies and milk of course).
Our boys are adults. They know the drill for recovery. They know where every detox, hospital, program, meeting, in the state/province is. They know how to survive on the street. They know how to get to all the above places.
In some cases they are reaching out for help from us, and we can give them our love and encouragement...that is not enabling and not codependency. We can pray for them and we can do whatever is in our heart to do, without guilt. We KNOW what we cannot do, cannot give money, cannot let them live in our homes, cannot make all arrangements for them unless they are totally incapable of doing it (the hospital, etc.)
And we can survive, not live well at the moment, not be happy and cheerful, but we can start with survive and build from there. Baby steps for us,
will still move us forward.
I put a call out to Washebe and the other moms to jump in and help out here. Maybe three posts are too many, but I feel you probably need the whole army on this one.
Love you both!!!!
Hugs
JT - crying your eyes out is a good way to relieve the pain you have been going through lately. You said you hadn't really cried for a long time. Well now is the time lady, get the kleenex. And keep the Ben & Jerry's handy. And a good nonrecovery book will help take your eyes off things for a brief vacation.
MG - You too are probably about ready for a few hours in the fetal position. Fear is our worst enemy and right now it is hovering like "The Creature From The Black Lagoon" (was that a duck pond?)
I love you both with all my heart, and I know exactly how much this hurts. And I hurt to see you hurt.
Since I may be the only mom not in crisis right this second, I am going to give you both a little "motherly advice" (with cookies and milk of course).
Our boys are adults. They know the drill for recovery. They know where every detox, hospital, program, meeting, in the state/province is. They know how to survive on the street. They know how to get to all the above places.
In some cases they are reaching out for help from us, and we can give them our love and encouragement...that is not enabling and not codependency. We can pray for them and we can do whatever is in our heart to do, without guilt. We KNOW what we cannot do, cannot give money, cannot let them live in our homes, cannot make all arrangements for them unless they are totally incapable of doing it (the hospital, etc.)
And we can survive, not live well at the moment, not be happy and cheerful, but we can start with survive and build from there. Baby steps for us,
will still move us forward.
I put a call out to Washebe and the other moms to jump in and help out here. Maybe three posts are too many, but I feel you probably need the whole army on this one.
Love you both!!!!
Hugs
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Anns,
Thanks...again. I have been very gently put back where I need to be. Now I am just a noodle (carbs anyone?)
What a day! I am so vulnerable right now. I guess I really didn't realize just how much. My GS's mother was key to alot of our interactions. I would have called her...and HE probably would have called her and not me. Fine mess SHE had!
He will be fine...he always is...I needed the reminder about them not living in our homes. He CAN'T! I am not strong enough for that now especially and I DO know the drill. And how it would end.
I will be on JT patrol...patroling the boundarys with skillet drawn...ducking behind my sunflowers (they are pretty short right now, so maybe a bush) at the slightest sound of webbed feet, or a feather rustling in the breeze. And if that duck dares to cross my boundary I will detach at the speed of sound!
And I forgot...I am in charge of the helmits so I have issued myself a new one...and a new one is on it's way to MG...and Josie, did you ever get one? You will have one now...wear it with pride!
Thanks...again. I have been very gently put back where I need to be. Now I am just a noodle (carbs anyone?)
What a day! I am so vulnerable right now. I guess I really didn't realize just how much. My GS's mother was key to alot of our interactions. I would have called her...and HE probably would have called her and not me. Fine mess SHE had!
He will be fine...he always is...I needed the reminder about them not living in our homes. He CAN'T! I am not strong enough for that now especially and I DO know the drill. And how it would end.
I will be on JT patrol...patroling the boundarys with skillet drawn...ducking behind my sunflowers (they are pretty short right now, so maybe a bush) at the slightest sound of webbed feet, or a feather rustling in the breeze. And if that duck dares to cross my boundary I will detach at the speed of sound!
And I forgot...I am in charge of the helmits so I have issued myself a new one...and a new one is on it's way to MG...and Josie, did you ever get one? You will have one now...wear it with pride!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi MG
I cried a lot. And was scared. And he was fine.
I am the only woman I know who has been up in the living/sleeping area of a men's hostel (Salvation Army) but a tough hostel.
My son was in detox at the time, waiting to go to program and couldn't leave.
I was up there with a Salvation Army man, on my knees digging under his bed sorting out socks and underwear. Not all of it was his - his was the clean stuff. I stopped in my tracks and just thought how far I had come down, when the S.A. Man said to me..."You know we have counsellors here who talked to your son, and that was when he decided to go to Detox". And the place was immaculately clean and neat.
I was never afraid of that again.
You see, even bad places aren't that bad. These guys are already street smart and know where to sleep and w\know where to get food.
My son often says that "the street" was what took him to "the road" of recovery.
So let go and let God. He will look after them.
Love you.
Hugs
I cried a lot. And was scared. And he was fine.
I am the only woman I know who has been up in the living/sleeping area of a men's hostel (Salvation Army) but a tough hostel.
My son was in detox at the time, waiting to go to program and couldn't leave.
I was up there with a Salvation Army man, on my knees digging under his bed sorting out socks and underwear. Not all of it was his - his was the clean stuff. I stopped in my tracks and just thought how far I had come down, when the S.A. Man said to me..."You know we have counsellors here who talked to your son, and that was when he decided to go to Detox". And the place was immaculately clean and neat.
I was never afraid of that again.
You see, even bad places aren't that bad. These guys are already street smart and know where to sleep and w\know where to get food.
My son often says that "the street" was what took him to "the road" of recovery.
So let go and let God. He will look after them.
Love you.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh...and it doesn't cost anything to stay at the shelters, and they get food, also no cost.
My son tried to tell me he had to pay $7.00/day. I gave it to him once, then started thinking. So the next day I said, "well we'll just go inside and pay for a week then" and he wouldn't let me do that because it wasn't true.
These guys know nore than we do about all this. And it's nothing to be afraid of. It's just part of their journey.
Hugs and Love
My son tried to tell me he had to pay $7.00/day. I gave it to him once, then started thinking. So the next day I said, "well we'll just go inside and pay for a week then" and he wouldn't let me do that because it wasn't true.
These guys know nore than we do about all this. And it's nothing to be afraid of. It's just part of their journey.
Hugs and Love
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
MG
When my son was homeless it broke my heart and from time to time I would find myself paralysed with worry...all the visions in my head haunted me. But you know what? Anns is right. And YOU are the one who told me that it is not cold right now...read your post to me...it was very helpful and true.
My heart is breaking for them but WE CANNOT FIX THIS! I am sure you are thinking of things that you can do...and the likely outcomes....it never ends. You help them and you end up helping them more and more and they will take all they can and go right on using and lieing to you.
And maybe you are doubting your program...DON'T! This is when you need it the most!
My son hasn't been calling me when he gets in a jam because he knows I won't help. Now THIS time he calls...and I am sure that he thinks that my sympathy for him will change my reactions...and he will USE that! I can't even say that I am angry about it because THAT is the disease at it's worst.
You gave him phone number's, right? I made the suggestion that my son call his IOP counceler, maybe they could find somewhere else for him. I told him to call his sponser (no sponser)..phone list? (no phone list) friend? (doesn't want to ask).....QUACK! All while talking softly and telling him how sorry I was...but why did he get in a fight? It is when I hung up that I went Ape S**T! He never knew how much he devastated me.
Keep in touch! We will be checking in on you today!
When my son was homeless it broke my heart and from time to time I would find myself paralysed with worry...all the visions in my head haunted me. But you know what? Anns is right. And YOU are the one who told me that it is not cold right now...read your post to me...it was very helpful and true.
My heart is breaking for them but WE CANNOT FIX THIS! I am sure you are thinking of things that you can do...and the likely outcomes....it never ends. You help them and you end up helping them more and more and they will take all they can and go right on using and lieing to you.
And maybe you are doubting your program...DON'T! This is when you need it the most!
My son hasn't been calling me when he gets in a jam because he knows I won't help. Now THIS time he calls...and I am sure that he thinks that my sympathy for him will change my reactions...and he will USE that! I can't even say that I am angry about it because THAT is the disease at it's worst.
You gave him phone number's, right? I made the suggestion that my son call his IOP counceler, maybe they could find somewhere else for him. I told him to call his sponser (no sponser)..phone list? (no phone list) friend? (doesn't want to ask).....QUACK! All while talking softly and telling him how sorry I was...but why did he get in a fight? It is when I hung up that I went Ape S**T! He never knew how much he devastated me.
Keep in touch! We will be checking in on you today!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
JT
Glad to see you up and around today. It looks like you have survived another storm. I almost felt helpless yesterday, with everything happening at once. I know how deeply painful and scary it can be when our sons are "in their disease", but I also know how well you and MG have been working your recovery, and anything I could say to you, you already know. But I know that I sometimes need to be reminded, so hope that helped.
I laugh sometimes when I find myself explaining to people here that my son is 34 years old. He is not a child, only acting like one, partly because his addiction has seriously hampered his emotional growth. Each time he gets a reasonable amount of clean time, I can see him starting to catch up and pray the someday he will function at an adult level of maturity.
Hope today is better for you. Enjoy some sunshine, if you can.
Hugs
Glad to see you up and around today. It looks like you have survived another storm. I almost felt helpless yesterday, with everything happening at once. I know how deeply painful and scary it can be when our sons are "in their disease", but I also know how well you and MG have been working your recovery, and anything I could say to you, you already know. But I know that I sometimes need to be reminded, so hope that helped.
I laugh sometimes when I find myself explaining to people here that my son is 34 years old. He is not a child, only acting like one, partly because his addiction has seriously hampered his emotional growth. Each time he gets a reasonable amount of clean time, I can see him starting to catch up and pray the someday he will function at an adult level of maturity.
Hope today is better for you. Enjoy some sunshine, if you can.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
The hard part for me yesterday was reading when JT said she had so many dents in her helmet. I think that was the sadest thing I've ever heard. And then Ann crawling and sorting socks....
But we are being squeezed through to a wider place.
MG
But we are being squeezed through to a wider place.
MG
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Just thought I would say that I feel for you ladies. I definately know what you are going through with your kids.
It started with my daughter at an early age, she started getting into using/partying and then decided to up and go lve with her dad because I was coming down on her. When she figured out that her decision was a bad one, she called to come home. By then she was heavy into the drug scene and ditching school. I had to tell her NO, it was the haredest thing I ever had to do. The second was to call the police and turn her in as a runaway sleeping in a abandon building. Now I have to go back a bit to explain.
She is one of three step-daughters that I continued to take care of/raise after I devorced their dad. They choose to stay with me. She was the youngest of the three and the only one still in my home, along with her little sister (no blood relation) from my currant relationship, at the time this all started. After her moving out I told her that she had to straighten out before she came back to my house. Well needless to say she didn't and about a year or so had past with her still using and skipping school even with the help of several friends parents, who thought I was just terrible for not taking her back in, was working. I had close contact with her during this time and keep her medically covered in case of illness. But she just wasn't ready to follow anyone's rules, so she kept getting ask to leave whatever house she was in for the momment. I kept praying that she would wake up and see what kind of life she was building, but it jus wasn't happening. hen finnally she ran out of people to use an ended up in an abandon building. Well because she was underage I called the police. Gave them a picture of her and told them when and where they could find her. Niether one of her biological parents wanted anything to do with her, nor would they help me. At first the police wasn't going to help either, because I was not a legal parent, but finally they did and pick her up and put her in foster care. Well, that wasn't the end. She ran away from there twice in the week and a half she was there and then tried to kill herself. That's when they put herin the hospital, then into recovery. She was a part of the system and in a placement home until she turned 18. She recieved therepy and was introduced to the 12 step-program and on June 6th will be two years clean/sober. We have the best relationship now. I stood by her, encouraged her, went to therepy with her when she wanted, and loved her unconditionally. She came home for visits but never to live; and we took her on family vacations. She was definatley still part of the family, but she had to stand on her own two fet where this was concerned. It was a nightmare for a long while, but now I am so proud o her.
So hang in there.
Pony
It started with my daughter at an early age, she started getting into using/partying and then decided to up and go lve with her dad because I was coming down on her. When she figured out that her decision was a bad one, she called to come home. By then she was heavy into the drug scene and ditching school. I had to tell her NO, it was the haredest thing I ever had to do. The second was to call the police and turn her in as a runaway sleeping in a abandon building. Now I have to go back a bit to explain.
She is one of three step-daughters that I continued to take care of/raise after I devorced their dad. They choose to stay with me. She was the youngest of the three and the only one still in my home, along with her little sister (no blood relation) from my currant relationship, at the time this all started. After her moving out I told her that she had to straighten out before she came back to my house. Well needless to say she didn't and about a year or so had past with her still using and skipping school even with the help of several friends parents, who thought I was just terrible for not taking her back in, was working. I had close contact with her during this time and keep her medically covered in case of illness. But she just wasn't ready to follow anyone's rules, so she kept getting ask to leave whatever house she was in for the momment. I kept praying that she would wake up and see what kind of life she was building, but it jus wasn't happening. hen finnally she ran out of people to use an ended up in an abandon building. Well because she was underage I called the police. Gave them a picture of her and told them when and where they could find her. Niether one of her biological parents wanted anything to do with her, nor would they help me. At first the police wasn't going to help either, because I was not a legal parent, but finally they did and pick her up and put her in foster care. Well, that wasn't the end. She ran away from there twice in the week and a half she was there and then tried to kill herself. That's when they put herin the hospital, then into recovery. She was a part of the system and in a placement home until she turned 18. She recieved therepy and was introduced to the 12 step-program and on June 6th will be two years clean/sober. We have the best relationship now. I stood by her, encouraged her, went to therepy with her when she wanted, and loved her unconditionally. She came home for visits but never to live; and we took her on family vacations. She was definatley still part of the family, but she had to stand on her own two fet where this was concerned. It was a nightmare for a long while, but now I am so proud o her.
So hang in there.
Pony
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pony
What a wonderful story. We really did need to hear one with a happy ending. Thank you so much.
and MG - The sock story wasn't supposed to make you sad
It was supposed to make you happy
because the point was that I learned NOT to be afraid of this, and that it was a good place, not a bad place like I had believed.
I am so glad to have all the moms back and healing today. I will keep out the milk and cookies, for all to enjoy.
And an elephant in the livingroom can be okay - as long as the elephant isn't seeing pink elephants.
Have a healing day ladies.
Hugs
What a wonderful story. We really did need to hear one with a happy ending. Thank you so much.
and MG - The sock story wasn't supposed to make you sad
It was supposed to make you happy
because the point was that I learned NOT to be afraid of this, and that it was a good place, not a bad place like I had believed.I am so glad to have all the moms back and healing today. I will keep out the milk and cookies, for all to enjoy.
And an elephant in the livingroom can be okay - as long as the elephant isn't seeing pink elephants.
Have a healing day ladies.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi MG and JT, I am praying for you both, that you may find your way through this current crisis. You are so fortunate that you are in recovery. And what great friends you have here. Take good care.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi Everyone...
I can feel the clouds parting...I think you all know what I mean. I am going to go to my tub tonite after dinner and veg...not dwell, maybe read a recovery book this time.
MG...you had me so worried about you...getting even, huh? I will try not to scare you again if you promise me the same. One more time...WHEW!!
I am stronger than my display of emotion...and smart enough to know that I am the walking wounded right now and I have to keep my son and his problems at arms length untill I do some healing. My H is worried that I will get sick...anxiety has done that to me in the past. But that is before I entered my program and I know so much more now...but grief is still grief...and a road that has to be traveled or you get stuck in it.
I can feel the clouds parting...I think you all know what I mean. I am going to go to my tub tonite after dinner and veg...not dwell, maybe read a recovery book this time.
MG...you had me so worried about you...getting even, huh?
I will try not to scare you again if you promise me the same. One more time...WHEW!!I am stronger than my display of emotion...and smart enough to know that I am the walking wounded right now and I have to keep my son and his problems at arms length untill I do some healing. My H is worried that I will get sick...anxiety has done that to me in the past. But that is before I entered my program and I know so much more now...but grief is still grief...and a road that has to be traveled or you get stuck in it.
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