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I don't know what to do any more.

Old 09-03-2013, 02:15 AM
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I don't know what to do any more.

Hello,

This is the first time I am posting and really it is the first time I am in the position I am in.

I am the partner of an alcoholic.

I feel like I am at the end of the line.

I have tried my best to help my partner through everything, been the shoulder to cry on, the one to forgive, the one to try my best to understand.

We are at the point where I feel there is no longer any help for us.

I keep searching for the magic answer which I know does not exist.

I am reaching out to anyone that may be able to save us.

How do I stay strong for someone that keeps hurting everyone around them?

And I guess maybe... How do you walk away from the one you love more than anything and risk losing them all together?

Please... I am begging for anything...
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:20 AM
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Welcome to SR LosingMyMind

I'm sorry for your situation but I know you'll find support, experience and understanding here

You say 'us' - has your husband expressed a desire to stop at all?

D
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:42 AM
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Hi,

In his sober moments when he is in my arms he seems to have every honest intention of getting help and sorting himself out.

He is depressed, seeing his doctor, on medication for depression and seeing a councillor once a fortnight.

I do not know what to believe anymore. I have been told that if he quits drinking cold turkey based on the amount he consumes, he will have major complications and risks dying. This seems suspicious to me.

He has tried to cut down but once he is at the pub, he feels he can not get up and leave.

He is powerless he tells me.

As soon as he has had a few to drink he becomes agitated, angry towards me and everyone, lies, and has come really close to cheating.

He regrets it all later but in that moment everyone is powerless to help him or get through to him.

I am forced to sit at home not knowing where he is, if he is safe, if he is with someone else... What am I meant to do?
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:50 AM
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The sober me says this isn't something you should feel obligated to put up with. I know that I make others in my life feel the way you do. I can say that there might be ways to give him a wake up call. Tell him you're leaving. Lock him out. Call the police if he is violent. In the end, it will be his decision to sober up or decide alcohol is his true love. I am struggling with this myself from the opposite side. I have shown everyone around me that alcohol is my priority. Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and hoping that I have hit rock bottom, so that I can begin to rebuild and repair what I have done.

I wish you luck and, more importantly, strength to deal with this situation. Do you have a support system in place? Family, friends, or a therapist that you can discuss these issues with? It would be worth looking into, IMO.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:55 AM
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He keeps telling me to leave, but I am scared that if I do it will get so bad for him without me picking him up that he may not be here for much longer.

I wish I could send him to a facility to help him. I don't even know where to start.

I am struggling to cope with it all, I hate feeling this way, not knowing when the next episode will be and what it will mean for us. But I cant walk away because I love him too much.
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:03 AM
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If he is able to quit drinking under the care of a doctor and/or in a rehab hospital the risk of complications or death or decrease immensely. Certain temporary meds can be prescribed that will help with the PAWS (post alcohol withdrawals)...quitting drinking cold turkey poses risks and the possibility of death for any alcoholic. It will be tough but well worth it. In the meantime you need all of the support you can get. SR is a great first step.

Have you looked into attending an ALON or other support meeting? You will meet and encounter many others going through the same type of situation.
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:07 AM
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I can only speak from the perspective of the alcoholic, but the guilt you are feeling is what some of us rely on to continue our hurtful ways. I don't have enough experience with recovery to speak beyond this, but I wanted to let you know that I hope you are able to find a resolution to your situation, and it sounds like you have gone beyond your duty when it comes to caring for your mate.
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:08 AM
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To be honest I do not know what is available out there or what will be the best for anyone right now. I feel sick I am so worried that I am losing my man and my self.

I am planning to go and see my councillor asap but I feel sick at the thought that it could already be too late and he is lost to me forever.
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:26 AM
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I am so lost. I just cant help him. I have no one on my side to help me get through to him.

Why am I not enough? Why is his son not enough?

How much more can I forgive?
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:28 AM
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Welcome LMM....so sorry it's not under the best of circumstances.

My ex husband and a previous partner had alcohol and drug issues, so I can relate to that feeling of helplessness. I myself have years later gone on to have drinking problems myself, so have seen both sides of the fence.

I found ALAnon a great support, even just to sit in the meetings and understanding that you aren't alone. I also came to realise that I was powerless to control someone's addiction. With counselling, I came to realise I had 2 choices....work on my marriage (which he was not showing interest or steps in doing) or get on with my life. As hard as it sounds, your post below may be correct, but you also have a life to live too, and should not feel bad about that.

He can safely undergo withdrawal via rehab, he seems scared to do so. The lies don't make it any easier. Sending you hugs at this time.

Originally Posted by LosingMyMind View Post
To be honest I do not know what is available out there or what will be the best for anyone right now. I feel sick I am so worried that I am losing my man and my self.

I am planning to go and see my councillor asap but I feel sick at the thought that it could already be too late and he is lost to me forever.
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:35 AM
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I am so happy that I know I am not alone but I just can not handle sitting here so helpless. I need to be able to do something to save him and to save myself as well as saving the relationship.

When will it all end and I will have my loving partner back?

I can not fathom being without him, and his son who is already family to me.

I have history with depression so I understand that side of it but the hold that alcohol has on him is so scary and unknown to me. He becomes a whole other person that I do not love. But then the real him comes back and we wade through all the crap together, talk things out, I forgive the lies and the hurtful things he says and does. And I fall in love with him all over again.

This is not a monthly turn over, or a weekly turn over. It has become nearly every day that my heart is ripped apart, and then put back together the next.

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Old 09-03-2013, 03:38 AM
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How do I face tomorrow and the news of what went on tonight?
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Old 09-03-2013, 03:55 AM
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It is an old cliche, but only he can decide if he really wants to stop drinking. And it is worth remembering that many alcoholics literally have no control over their drinking. AA certainly promotes that idea, though some people take the view that a strong commitment to quit is what really counts.

You can do something for yourself though. Al Anon is an organisation for those who are close to people with a serious drink problem. There may well be a branch near you. Here's a link to a 'resource' that might be helpful.


Online Al-Anon Outreach
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:03 AM
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I am trying to look into meetings in my area, it just seems that help can not come soon enough. I wish I could fix it all right this second and not feel so helpless, anxious and lost. I can not calm myself down.
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:15 AM
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The hardest thing to do is nothing at all. The most painful place to exist is in the present.

I am 21 years old, so I can't say that I can completely relate to what you're experiencing. I have simply not been there yet. I have been in your husbands shoes, however. I became homeless as soon as I was an adult because of my behavior. Before that my mom had me arrested because of my behavior. It tore her up. She hated to do to me what she did. I will never truly know the pain that I have caused in the lives of those around me. But what my mom did for me was the absolute best thing that I could have done. Without my safety net I was forced to go it alone. Completely alone. I fell flat on my face a few times, then I got help. I recognize powerless. I recognize good intent until that first drink. I have been there, and no one thing or person caused me to no longer be there. It finally hurt enough for me to not want to be there enough for me to get help in staying away from that life.

I hope my experience might help in some way.
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:34 AM
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Thank you Steven,

Like yourself I am also still fairly young. At just 23 the people around me feel this is too much for me to be dealing with. But after all my failed relationships for whatever reasons they may be, I finally felt that I had found my forever guy and that we had a solid future together.

As I said, his son is now mine as well and so I find it even harder to let go. He does not deserve to lose everything either. He is young, he will not understand why his father and the person who has become his step mum are no longer a major part of his life or a part of it at all.

I feel like I have no one on my side to help make an active difference.

All I can do is hope that his love for me and his son can shine through at the end of the night and he will find his way home to us safe and sound.

I have not been one for 'faith' very much in these recent years and I suppose it would be somewhat due to my struggles with depression and the struggles my partner and I are facing right now. I cant help but think "where is God right now when we need him?" Who do I pray to for help today?

At the end of the day I want my baby home and safe in my arms. Its where he belongs.
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:50 AM
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I can't blame you one bit for feeling the way that you do, it's only human. You're definitely not in the best position right now. There are emotions at the surface, pain just below it, and uncertainty all around. I also believe fear would be present here as well.

It's times like this where the right thing to do can be incredibly evasive. In my experience the best thing to do in order to find the "right" thing to do is look at other peoples experiences. What worked, and what didn't work. Find that thing that worked for another person that you could see yourself doing. It may not be easy. It might seem self defeating. And there's always that fear that it worked for them but it won't work for you.

My biggest piece of advice here would be don't let fear of a potential future force you into inaction. Worry and fear could lead you to doing the worst thing of all - nothing. I would not be sitting here today with a computer, a job, and much less my life if I had not faced my own demons of fear and moved into action.

You can do this. You know you can do this. Sadly life does not usually fix itself, and rarely do things turn out better without doing something to make them better.

My thoughts are with you and your family
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:56 AM
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LMM, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I had a son who was addicted to heroin, so I can complete relate to your feelings of helplessness, frustration, guilt, and fear. SR has a forum especially for friends and family of alcoholics. You will find people there who are in your shoes and know exactly what you are going through. You should check it out: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 09-03-2013, 05:16 AM
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I sort of feel stupid for being so wrapped up in my own head and my own problems when there are others out there with much worse stories.

I know I have two choices here, but both come with heartache. I wish there was a way to stop feeling so I could cope better, or walk away with no guilt and feelings of failure.
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Old 09-03-2013, 05:22 AM
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I completely agree with the wanting an easier way. You aren't alone there. Sometimes I wish life came with an easy button.....

The closest thing I've found to what you're describing is looking at the long term. I judge different decisions outcomes based on experience and choose the one most likely to produce good results while hurting the least.

Sometimes I truly wish there were perfect answers to situations, but I've yet to find one.
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