Working on no contact with ex alcoholic boyfriend

Old 09-02-2013, 10:01 PM
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Working on no contact with ex alcoholic boyfriend

Hi, it has been a while since I posted and just wanted to update. I have been pretty much no contact for the last several months. My ex alcoholic boyfriend has not been contacting me either. At first, this bothered me but I am not sure why. I guess I wanted him to beg my forgiveness and want me back to some degree but I realize that is a no win situation for both of us. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and sorry for him. In fact my emotions have all been exhausted. I no longer feel sad, mad or empty. I sometimes find myself missing his friendship though. I find that I am more content and have more peace of mind now that he is out of my life. I still sometimes think of him and hope he is ok. My best friend, who is also his sister in law tells me he looks terrible when she sees him. That makes me sad but I know there is nothing more I can do to help him. I am moving on with my life and hope the best for him. Does anyone else go through these emotions after seperating from their alcoholic? One day you feel great and glad you are not with them, then other days you feel sad and miss them terribly? I suppose it is normal and part of the process. Thank you for letting me vent my feelings on here, it has been so helpful to post here and read other posts by people going through the same thing.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:16 PM
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A loss is a loss is a loss. The grieving process doesn't really care that he's an A. It's normal and healthy to work through the emotions of a relationship ending. Give yourself permission to feel these things, but use this time to look inside and see what your role was in the relationship and see where you can work on yourself. I wish you strength and clarity to get yourself to a healthy place.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:27 AM
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Unhappy

I'm going through this right now, I broke up with my ex girlfriend of 4 years because of her drinking . I miss her dearly and there are days I'm glad I'm out because of the fights. And there are other days when I miss her because she was amazing to be around when sober and was my best friend, . I guess we just have to move on u til they get help. Even then I don't think I want to be with someone who has this addiction as it consumed me too much,
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:41 AM
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suncatcher---oh, yes. Absolutely. I have been through the same thing. Actually, I think you are doing rather well. Grief does take it's own timetable.

There will come a time, a bit down the road, when you won't think about him for a week. Then, it will become months---and, one day, you will realize that you didn't think about him last year!!

By the time it gets to that---you will remember the events and remember that you were sad, angry, or whatever--but, you won't actually be able to experience the memory that you recall having. It will just be old memories with a bit of normal nostalgia that we all have for highly emotional events.

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Old 09-03-2013, 08:41 AM
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These ups and downs are so normal. It's all part of the process. Definitely take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in feeling these emotions. There are just certain days or even hours you just have to feel the feeling and let it pass!
Hang in there
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
My ex alcoholic boyfriend has not been contacting me either. At first, this bothered me but I am not sure why. I guess I wanted him to beg my forgiveness and want me back to some degree but I realize that is a no win situation for both of us. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and sorry for him.
This is how I feel...like he should come crawling back! Then I have to remind myself that he is not well and why would I want that back in my life. For me it hasent been 2 months but I just cant seem to shake him!! Im so mad at myself!
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Old 09-16-2013, 07:36 PM
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I'm in the exact same boat and it hurts. We split after months of arguing and then, a dramatic screaming match last weekend. After him initially contacting me to see if I wanted to 'talk', we have not talked since.

It kills me that he's just letting go that easily, but it's probably the most sane thing he's done in months. There is no way we can work this out and there is no sense trying to convince ourselves otherwise any longer. But, I wanted him to beg. I wanted him to realize that I was more important than the alcohol. But, I'm not and I never will be. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm finally accepting that bitter little fact.

I miss him. I'm lonely. I'm sad & absolutely heartbroken. It's depressing. I still love him to pieces and miss seeing his face.

But, there are also moments now when I'm relieved. Moments that I'm at peace with this decision and feeling as though moving on is truly for the best. I'll qualify that by saying this has been an on again/off again thing for the past 6 months, so I've had some time to come to those positive feelings.

The first of our break-ups/fights left me completely frozen, broken into shattered pieces and a complete mess with little resemblance of the person I was before we met. I'd lay in bed and cry, for days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. My life felt over - I had never felt so lost and hopeless and hope I never do again. Those very feelings are a large part of why I'm staying away now, even thought I want to run back to him more than anything. I'm terrified of ever sinking that low again and I know, with all of my heart, that if I go back, those feelings are there waiting to grab hold of me again. I'm more scared of those feelings than I am desperate to be with him. I didn't think I wanted to live anymore.... and that's not a good place to be. It's a terrifying place to be.

I miss feeling the intense connection we had, I miss his arms around me, I miss the great times we had when he was sober (although rare). When it was good, it was fantastic. When it was bad, it was so, so very bad.

I don't miss the lies. I don't miss the daily uncertainty, nor the anticipation of the next episode. I don't miss the broken promises of 'I'll stop drinking', 'I'll be better', 'I love you' and I certainly don't miss the missed birthdays or special times that he was passed out drunk.

I've never dealt with a harder break-up, I'll say that.

I wanted to fix him. I wanted to make it all better for him. I wanted so much more for him. I want him to get better, but I don't see that happening anytime soon and it's just so sad.

Now though, I have to want to fix me and make it all better for me. I need to want as much for me as I wanted for him. I'm working on that.... slowly, I think I'm getting it, but it's a hard transition after being the person who took care of everyone else for so long. I still love him. I might always love him, but right now, I need to love me more. After the hell of this relationship and the toll it's taken on me, I deserve to love me for once. Loving myself has proven to be extremely hard and it shouldn't be this hard. That is my focus right now and I need that focus to keep moving forward.


You're so not alone - I feel your pain, as it's the same pain deep inside of me that I'm fighting daily too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Hang in there - I promise there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. You'll find it, just keep moving forward. It's there.
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:06 PM
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Hi Suncatcher,

Yes, I have been going through what you described and it's been nine months since I broke up with my xabf. For the most part I am relieved the chaos is no longer a part of my life but I still miss him sometimes. He and I had so much in common--more than I've ever had with anyone else--that I think I might actually miss him forever. I know though that a relationship with him is impossible and am increasingly at peace with the loss of him. I try to just think of it like he died. I know that sounds horrible but it is the only way I can really wrap my head around the different emotions I feel about him.
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Old 10-06-2015, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
I'm in the exact same boat and it hurts. We split after months of arguing and then, a dramatic screaming match last weekend. After him initially contacting me to see if I wanted to 'talk', we have not talked since.

It kills me that he's just letting go that easily, but it's probably the most sane thing he's done in months. There is no way we can work this out and there is no sense trying to convince ourselves otherwise any longer. But, I wanted him to beg. I wanted him to realize that I was more important than the alcohol. But, I'm not and I never will be. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm finally accepting that bitter little fact.

I miss him. I'm lonely. I'm sad & absolutely heartbroken. It's depressing. I still love him to pieces and miss seeing his face.

But, there are also moments now when I'm relieved. Moments that I'm at peace with this decision and feeling as though moving on is truly for the best. I'll qualify that by saying this has been an on again/off again thing for the past 6 months, so I've had some time to come to those positive feelings.

The first of our break-ups/fights left me completely frozen, broken into shattered pieces and a complete mess with little resemblance of the person I was before we met. I'd lay in bed and cry, for days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. My life felt over - I had never felt so lost and hopeless and hope I never do again. Those very feelings are a large part of why I'm staying away now, even thought I want to run back to him more than anything. I'm terrified of ever sinking that low again and I know, with all of my heart, that if I go back, those feelings are there waiting to grab hold of me again. I'm more scared of those feelings than I am desperate to be with him. I didn't think I wanted to live anymore.... and that's not a good place to be. It's a terrifying place to be.

I miss feeling the intense connection we had, I miss his arms around me, I miss the great times we had when he was sober (although rare). When it was good, it was fantastic. When it was bad, it was so, so very bad.

I don't miss the lies. I don't miss the daily uncertainty, nor the anticipation of the next episode. I don't miss the broken promises of 'I'll stop drinking', 'I'll be better', 'I love you' and I certainly don't miss the missed birthdays or special times that he was passed out drunk.

I've never dealt with a harder break-up, I'll say that.

I wanted to fix him. I wanted to make it all better for him. I wanted so much more for him. I want him to get better, but I don't see that happening anytime soon and it's just so sad.

Now though, I have to want to fix me and make it all better for me. I need to want as much for me as I wanted for him. I'm working on that.... slowly, I think I'm getting it, but it's a hard transition after being the person who took care of everyone else for so long. I still love him. I might always love him, but right now, I need to love me more. After the hell of this relationship and the toll it's taken on me, I deserve to love me for once. Loving myself has proven to be extremely hard and it shouldn't be this hard. That is my focus right now and I need that focus to keep moving forward.


You're so not alone - I feel your pain, as it's the same pain deep inside of me that I'm fighting daily too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Hang in there - I promise there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. You'll find it, just keep moving forward. It's there.
I see all these posts that are just like my situation and I wonder or would love to know how you are doing 2+ years later? I'm desperate to know so I can have some hope that life will get better.
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Old 10-06-2015, 04:36 PM
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Hi sun catcher, yes I feel the same, 6 months on. Sometimes I miss my husband's friendship a lot. Some days are better than others.
Just do what your doing, ride through the ups and downs. All normal.
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Old 10-12-2021, 09:03 PM
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Does it get better?

I’ve been reading all the post of break ups and no contact.

Did it get better for you? I’ve been 2 months and sometimes I worry that I’m going to get stuck in grief.

any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m 58 and was with him for 5 years.

I would love to someday move on with my life and someone to share my life with.

Advice?
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