Hidden Bottles
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2
Hidden Bottles
This is my first time on this site and I'm not sure where to begin. My husband and I had been married for nearly 5 years and together for 7. We have a 2 year old son.
When I first met my husband we were young and liked you go out and party and drink so at first his behavior seemed pretty normal. However, as we become more serious and started to settle down there were times that his drinking seemed excessive and we used to argue about it. He's always seemed to enjoy it just a little bit too much- drinking a bit too often and sometimes in social situations not knowing when to quit. After our son was born he really cut back his drinking.
When our son was 5 months old I went back to school and my husband watched our son 2 days a week while I was studying. There were a few occasions that I returned home and I suspected he had been drinking but he always managed to convince me that I was crazy and there were other times I suspected it but didn't say anything because I knew he would deny it and it would just start a fight. It all came to a head last May (nearly a year and a half ago) when I came home and my husband was passed out drunk with my son sitting next to him in the dark crying. It was a big wake up call for both of us (I wouldn't sit by with blinders anymore and he said he would never drink while watching our son again). After that he quit completely for a while and then slowly transitioned into healthy drinking- sometimes and in moderation (and occasionally a lot at appropriate times like at a wedding when we had a babysitter).
I have tried to remain alert and watch for signs etc but he really has seemed fine. Today while he was at work, my son was wanting to sit on my husbands motorbike and I noticed the storage compartment was unlatched. I opened it up and found packaging for 3 six-packs of bourbon and coke as well as 2 water bottle that I smelled and they had obviously contained some hard alcohol. I really don't know what to do.
If I confront him I am worried that either he'll lie to me and come up with some unlikely explanation or he'll turn it around on me that he has normal drinking habits but because I'm so against drinking (I'm not but really I could take it or leave it) and I'm so awful he's forced to hide it. This isn't the first time this has happened but I'm still blindsided as this hasn't happened in quite a while and even looking back I can't think of any signs I could have missed.
What should I do? I don't think I could just not say anything and pretend everything is fine but I also don't want to jump in and handle it incorrectly. Any advice from anyone who has gone through similar would be very helpful
When I first met my husband we were young and liked you go out and party and drink so at first his behavior seemed pretty normal. However, as we become more serious and started to settle down there were times that his drinking seemed excessive and we used to argue about it. He's always seemed to enjoy it just a little bit too much- drinking a bit too often and sometimes in social situations not knowing when to quit. After our son was born he really cut back his drinking.
When our son was 5 months old I went back to school and my husband watched our son 2 days a week while I was studying. There were a few occasions that I returned home and I suspected he had been drinking but he always managed to convince me that I was crazy and there were other times I suspected it but didn't say anything because I knew he would deny it and it would just start a fight. It all came to a head last May (nearly a year and a half ago) when I came home and my husband was passed out drunk with my son sitting next to him in the dark crying. It was a big wake up call for both of us (I wouldn't sit by with blinders anymore and he said he would never drink while watching our son again). After that he quit completely for a while and then slowly transitioned into healthy drinking- sometimes and in moderation (and occasionally a lot at appropriate times like at a wedding when we had a babysitter).
I have tried to remain alert and watch for signs etc but he really has seemed fine. Today while he was at work, my son was wanting to sit on my husbands motorbike and I noticed the storage compartment was unlatched. I opened it up and found packaging for 3 six-packs of bourbon and coke as well as 2 water bottle that I smelled and they had obviously contained some hard alcohol. I really don't know what to do.
If I confront him I am worried that either he'll lie to me and come up with some unlikely explanation or he'll turn it around on me that he has normal drinking habits but because I'm so against drinking (I'm not but really I could take it or leave it) and I'm so awful he's forced to hide it. This isn't the first time this has happened but I'm still blindsided as this hasn't happened in quite a while and even looking back I can't think of any signs I could have missed.
What should I do? I don't think I could just not say anything and pretend everything is fine but I also don't want to jump in and handle it incorrectly. Any advice from anyone who has gone through similar would be very helpful
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 28
Bless your heart, it's hard to know what to do.
First is to protect your little one, second yourself.
As I was told again this evening which I still fight at times are the 3 Cs: You didn't Cause this, you can't Cure this and you can't Control this. I'm personally relying on my AW (Alcoholic Wife's) family to watch the boys when I'm out of town. This can't go on forever, so we're trying to figure out a solution. When she does drink, she lies, denies & becomes confrontational. I can't advise what to do, I can only share what I've done, which has not worked worth a damn, so just take what you can from me and leave the rest.
I'll say a prayer for you & your family tonight.
B
First is to protect your little one, second yourself.
As I was told again this evening which I still fight at times are the 3 Cs: You didn't Cause this, you can't Cure this and you can't Control this. I'm personally relying on my AW (Alcoholic Wife's) family to watch the boys when I'm out of town. This can't go on forever, so we're trying to figure out a solution. When she does drink, she lies, denies & becomes confrontational. I can't advise what to do, I can only share what I've done, which has not worked worth a damn, so just take what you can from me and leave the rest.
I'll say a prayer for you & your family tonight.
B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Hopefully someone will be along with some helpful advice, there are so many helpful, caring , straightforward people on here. My solutions have not worked so I can't really give advice, my ah also swore he would not drink while watching ds (dear son-now9)since he was watching him one night when he was 2 and ds had to go to hospital for asthma attack .. Hospital would not release ds with ah as he was drunk, they took blood levels from him and called child protection services. I was alerted and rushed to pick up ds. He still drink when watching him. I try as much as humanly possible to get a babysitter or take ds wherever I go.
If he is drinking I'm not sure you would get a truthful answer.
Hoping someone comes along to give you some sound advice. Just wanted to share so you know you are not alone.
Hugs
If he is drinking I'm not sure you would get a truthful answer.
Hoping someone comes along to give you some sound advice. Just wanted to share so you know you are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Welcome to SR. I was one of those who found empty bottles in all sorts of stupid places. I confronted, I poured out the booze, etc. It did nothing but add to the chaos. Can't tell you how many times he would turn it on me, convince me I was crazy or blame me. Truth is, you don't really gain anything by confronting him....he knows the bottles are there and he knows he's the one drinking from them. He is going to do whatever it takes to protect his addiction right now.
There is no such thing as "healthy drinking" for an alcoholic. They can't control their drinking any more than you can control them. So if he's hiding there is really nothing you can do about it. Trust me, if love alone could save our alcoholics, this website wouldn't exist. It's not enough.
What you can do is get educated. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. But I would strongly encourage you to find an AlAlon meeting in your area. The meetings have been a life line for many of us. People in those rooms "get it", there is no judgement. Only experience, strength, and hope. No one even needs to know who the A in your life is. A lot of meetings have baby sitting.
There is no such thing as "healthy drinking" for an alcoholic. They can't control their drinking any more than you can control them. So if he's hiding there is really nothing you can do about it. Trust me, if love alone could save our alcoholics, this website wouldn't exist. It's not enough.
What you can do is get educated. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. But I would strongly encourage you to find an AlAlon meeting in your area. The meetings have been a life line for many of us. People in those rooms "get it", there is no judgement. Only experience, strength, and hope. No one even needs to know who the A in your life is. A lot of meetings have baby sitting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
I'm sorry you are going through this
I don't have any idea how you situation will play out. I can only say that I was in your exact situation a few years ago, and now I am in a much worse situation. The thing to think about is that if your husband is not willing to get help, alcoholism is progressive. This means your situation will become increasingly unstable.
Like you, my AH convinced me that because I had such a problem with alcohol he HAD to lie to me about his drinking. I was the reason for hidden bottles of liquor. Because of me he had to fill water bottles with vodka. Mixed drinks in soda cans. "I didn't want you to know I was drinking because you are so uptight about it'" he'd say.
Maybe you send him on an errand and it takes him longer than it should. He drinks more when he is with certain friends and you argue about that. More money is missing than your family can afford. He starts staying out all night because he doesn't want to hear it from you. Etc....
Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe your husband will get the help he needs. But if not, I think you will look back on this and say, wow- things have gotten so much worse since then!
Like you, my AH convinced me that because I had such a problem with alcohol he HAD to lie to me about his drinking. I was the reason for hidden bottles of liquor. Because of me he had to fill water bottles with vodka. Mixed drinks in soda cans. "I didn't want you to know I was drinking because you are so uptight about it'" he'd say.
Maybe you send him on an errand and it takes him longer than it should. He drinks more when he is with certain friends and you argue about that. More money is missing than your family can afford. He starts staying out all night because he doesn't want to hear it from you. Etc....
Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe your husband will get the help he needs. But if not, I think you will look back on this and say, wow- things have gotten so much worse since then!
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Hmmm this is a great thread for me to read. I too have been experiencing this hidden bottle syndrome. I couldn't figure out why those couple beers had him slurring his words in such a terrible way. Either he was in trouble because his liver was completely saturated, or .... well, I was right. In the garage, in a cupboard was a bottle. I was crushed.
When I confronted him, his first response was: "I didn't hide it, if I hid it you wouldn't have found it, it's right there in plain sight. What are you doing snooping anyway." He completely turned it on me and I froze. As far as I was concerned, he had me. Darn!!
It was either here or somewhere else that someone said something to me that helped me to know that I was in fact right. "normal functioning people do not hide bottles in random places." Period. That was it, and that person is right.
I know I didn't put the bottle there. I know my DD's didn't put the bottle there, if they were going to hide alcohol they surely wouldn't hide it in the garage, in his work space. If he wasn't hiding it, why wouldn't he just put it in the cupboard where normal people who could keep alcohol in their home, store their alcohol?
Yet, you've triggered in me . You've helped me to have an "aha moment".
I keep waiting for the "right time" to confront the whole darn issue. For the moment where I can say: "see, you have a problem and it is killing all of us". There is no such perfect moment. I can't do it when he has been drinking , that is the only thing I know for sure.
For the past I don't know how many years I've been waiting, praying, begging my HP for something to happen so that he will hit his bottom. Something that will cause him to say that is enough. Or something that I can say... no more, I quit, you get help or were done.
Why am I waiting and what am I waiting for? I don't know. I will say I am like Flavia2. It just gets worse.
Be well,
When I confronted him, his first response was: "I didn't hide it, if I hid it you wouldn't have found it, it's right there in plain sight. What are you doing snooping anyway." He completely turned it on me and I froze. As far as I was concerned, he had me. Darn!!
It was either here or somewhere else that someone said something to me that helped me to know that I was in fact right. "normal functioning people do not hide bottles in random places." Period. That was it, and that person is right.
I know I didn't put the bottle there. I know my DD's didn't put the bottle there, if they were going to hide alcohol they surely wouldn't hide it in the garage, in his work space. If he wasn't hiding it, why wouldn't he just put it in the cupboard where normal people who could keep alcohol in their home, store their alcohol?
Yet, you've triggered in me . You've helped me to have an "aha moment".
I keep waiting for the "right time" to confront the whole darn issue. For the moment where I can say: "see, you have a problem and it is killing all of us". There is no such perfect moment. I can't do it when he has been drinking , that is the only thing I know for sure.
For the past I don't know how many years I've been waiting, praying, begging my HP for something to happen so that he will hit his bottom. Something that will cause him to say that is enough. Or something that I can say... no more, I quit, you get help or were done.
Why am I waiting and what am I waiting for? I don't know. I will say I am like Flavia2. It just gets worse.
Be well,
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
Hi there,
I'm someone who has hidden many many bottles, the first time I was confronted I went into a rage, how dare he tell me he had found my stash how dare he tell me I had a serious problem, normal people don't hide bottles...
If Im honest with you, it took another few times of bottles being found, it took a lot of tears and a lot of heartache on both parts for me to wake up and see, I am an alcoholic...
Noone can justify hiding bottles, they are hiding because they know its out of control, they are scared someone will take away this safety net of drinking, they need to know they are loved and they will be ok without alcohol. They need to break the cycle, but it has to come from them. It takes time, in the meantime keep yourself strong and safe. Sending love and prayers xxx
I'm someone who has hidden many many bottles, the first time I was confronted I went into a rage, how dare he tell me he had found my stash how dare he tell me I had a serious problem, normal people don't hide bottles...
If Im honest with you, it took another few times of bottles being found, it took a lot of tears and a lot of heartache on both parts for me to wake up and see, I am an alcoholic...
Noone can justify hiding bottles, they are hiding because they know its out of control, they are scared someone will take away this safety net of drinking, they need to know they are loved and they will be ok without alcohol. They need to break the cycle, but it has to come from them. It takes time, in the meantime keep yourself strong and safe. Sending love and prayers xxx
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Lorelie, thank you for your input. May I ask you, really... did you feel that you were not loved that you would not be okay without the alcohol? Was it a sincere fear for you that would have to face the fact you were not a person who was loved?
For some reason I always thought that it's just us co's who think that way and that the A just wants to be able to continue to drink and be left alone.
For some reason I always thought that it's just us co's who think that way and that the A just wants to be able to continue to drink and be left alone.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
Honestly, I drank because I didnt feel I was loveable, not necessarily that I was unloved. We drink for different reasons then find excuses to continue. I would have been quite happy if my then husband would have gone, so I could have carried on, in fact that would have proved what i thought all along .... I was unlovable.
Im just one person tho your partner may drink for different reasons, just because he seems quite happy to carry on drinking doesn't mean that's what he necessarily wants, it could well mean hes stuck, how does he get out, can he get out, what will life be like without the drink, what issues will he have to face if he no longer drinks, whats going on in his head that fuels the drinking. Obv I don't know, but I'm just giving you my slant on what it can be like for the drinker xx
Im just one person tho your partner may drink for different reasons, just because he seems quite happy to carry on drinking doesn't mean that's what he necessarily wants, it could well mean hes stuck, how does he get out, can he get out, what will life be like without the drink, what issues will he have to face if he no longer drinks, whats going on in his head that fuels the drinking. Obv I don't know, but I'm just giving you my slant on what it can be like for the drinker xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2
Thanks for all of the replies. It is nice to be able to talk to other who can relate. I agree with what some of you said about futility of questioning him about hiding the bottles but I don't know what else I can do. I'm a "wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve" kind of person so I don't know if I would be able to great him when he gets home from work with a kiss and act as if everything is good. I think he would suspect that something is up. Also I have to admit, and this is embarrassing, but there is a small part of me that thinks there could be a simple explanation and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know this is foolish but honestly I haven't noticed any behavior from him that would indicate he's been drinking. Aside from the hidden bottles of course!
So if I don't confront him, what do you suggest I should do? Bide my time and watch from more clues? I have researched Al Anon and there are a couple in my area but would obv have to tell my husband where I was going and discuss it eventually
Thanks so much for all your feedback and support
So if I don't confront him, what do you suggest I should do? Bide my time and watch from more clues? I have researched Al Anon and there are a couple in my area but would obv have to tell my husband where I was going and discuss it eventually
Thanks so much for all your feedback and support
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello kkhope, Welcome!
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but happy that you found us! I don't think it comes down to ignoring what is happening, it comes down to a question of "what are you willing to accept?"
The brutal reality of the situation is that your husband will not stop drinking unless and until he is ready. I found SR one night in a frantic search because of my alcoholic and crack addicted stepson. This thread is one that I found very helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will keep coming back to SR. You will find so much support here, and learning about alcoholism and addiction really help. Welcome, again!
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but happy that you found us! I don't think it comes down to ignoring what is happening, it comes down to a question of "what are you willing to accept?"
The brutal reality of the situation is that your husband will not stop drinking unless and until he is ready. I found SR one night in a frantic search because of my alcoholic and crack addicted stepson. This thread is one that I found very helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will keep coming back to SR. You will find so much support here, and learning about alcoholism and addiction really help. Welcome, again!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I would strongly agree w/the recommendations to get to an Alanon meeting (here's a link to help you find one http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ ). This can be a really important first step, as you'll learn a lot about alcoholism and what you can and can't do for/about your AH. Also, it's important to have some face-to-face support. SR is a truly wonderful place, but there are times when an online forum simply can't deliver all the help you need.
Alanon also has many really useful books; you can go to Amazon and search "Alanon books" to see a listing. Many are available used, to save you some $$. Also your local library may carry some of the titles or be able to get them for you on interlibrary loan. The reading material can do a LOT for you as far as understanding what Alanon is and what it can do for you.
Another recommendation I would make is to read thru the posts on the forum and to especially check out the stickied threads at the top of the page. Again, you'll learn a lot, and you need to know these things in order to make good decisions regarding your situation.
You're likely feeling kind of stunned right now, but as you read, learn, post and go to meetings, you'll feel the fog start to clear and see your path appearing before you. Really, you will.
Alanon also has many really useful books; you can go to Amazon and search "Alanon books" to see a listing. Many are available used, to save you some $$. Also your local library may carry some of the titles or be able to get them for you on interlibrary loan. The reading material can do a LOT for you as far as understanding what Alanon is and what it can do for you.
Another recommendation I would make is to read thru the posts on the forum and to especially check out the stickied threads at the top of the page. Again, you'll learn a lot, and you need to know these things in order to make good decisions regarding your situation.
You're likely feeling kind of stunned right now, but as you read, learn, post and go to meetings, you'll feel the fog start to clear and see your path appearing before you. Really, you will.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Khope33---I had the same situation when my adult son was living with me for a period of time. I had learned that confronting about the "hidden" bottles was futile--and, of course, he denied drinking! Actually, I could tell if he had had only a sip of bear!!!
So, based on this, I waited until he was sober to tell him that he had been drinking. When he protested---I told him that this was a STATEMENT and not a QUESTION. I told him that: "I know what I know--and I will not debate you on this". I then talked to him about my boundaries. (it wasn't as smooth as this--but, this is basically how I handled this).
My thoughts on your situation are this: There is no point in hiding the fact that you know he is drinking; at the same time, don't get into an endless argument about whether it is true or not---don't listen to his blame-sifting and making you the "problem".
If it were me--I would probably say that this is an issue for ME because it tears at the foundations of our relationship and I can't have you watching our son anymore. I am going to alanon for myself because I need some support. End of story (in a nutshell, of course).
That is what I would do. Maybe this will give you some food for thoughts.
I understand, very well, how difficult this feels, right now.
dandylion
So, based on this, I waited until he was sober to tell him that he had been drinking. When he protested---I told him that this was a STATEMENT and not a QUESTION. I told him that: "I know what I know--and I will not debate you on this". I then talked to him about my boundaries. (it wasn't as smooth as this--but, this is basically how I handled this).
My thoughts on your situation are this: There is no point in hiding the fact that you know he is drinking; at the same time, don't get into an endless argument about whether it is true or not---don't listen to his blame-sifting and making you the "problem".
If it were me--I would probably say that this is an issue for ME because it tears at the foundations of our relationship and I can't have you watching our son anymore. I am going to alanon for myself because I need some support. End of story (in a nutshell, of course).
That is what I would do. Maybe this will give you some food for thoughts.
I understand, very well, how difficult this feels, right now.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: AL
Posts: 9
I can really identify with what you are going through, and from others' comments as well. It is the hiding and the attacks back on me that really scares me. She says she hides it because I am "controlling" and I will get mad and judge her. We just had this conversation this morning after spending labor day weekend apart. It always comes back to me - I cause her to feel this way, I am controlling, etc. Glad I am not alone but sorry we all have to go through this.
Welcome to the site!
Welcome to the site!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Québec Canada
Posts: 46
This is exactly what I've been going through for too many years now. When I first discovered hidden bottles (over 10 years ago) I asked why he hid the bottles when we had beer in the fridge and wine/liquor in the cupboard, and I got the same answer as all of you: "because you'll get mad if I have one too many..." He still doesn't get it (nor do I, I guess 'cause I'm still there)- just 2 weeks ago, he promised that he stopped drinking, forever, just like that...guess what I found in the trunk of his car yesterday? I won't even mention it, because he will say" Oh that? I forgot it was there". Yeah right!
It's not easy, find your limit, set your boundaries and courage to you. It's not easy, we all know how you're feeling right now and I'm right there with you.
It's not easy, find your limit, set your boundaries and courage to you. It's not easy, we all know how you're feeling right now and I'm right there with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I am in a similar situation. My AH is a closet drinker. It started out the same-early marriage just social drinking with him being a little too much. Didnt think anything of it, at that time in our lives everyone drank socially or with dinner and I just didnt recognize it as a problem. We settled down, had kids and his drinking would come and go- he'd cut down then get worse after a few months. I would confront him, he would deny then cut down for years. Then I found hidden bottles in the garage etc. I confronted him again. It did no good. He denied again repeatedly and just found better hiding places. I found this website and Alanon and started reading their literature and attending meetings. I have slowly recognized the extent of his illness and how it has affected our family over the years. It all makes sense now. Why he likes to stay home. Why he doesn't eat dinner with us. Why he isn't as active in the kids lives as most dads are. I learned how to detach from his drinking and I focus on myself and my kids. No one can stop them from drinking or change their habits until they are ready. So no matter how much you beg, plead, threaten give ultimatums etc. Its not going to change until HE is ready to change. Focus on improving yourself. Join Alanon if you can it will offer tremendous help. They even have online meetings which I find easier since I dont have to leave the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Seems like finding the hidden bottles was a wake up call for a lot of us & those that confronted them with the fact did not fare well. Also when you confront they take their hiding places to more hard-to-find places and still deny a problem. So it seems it makes sense to watch the amount they are drinking but don't disturb it or confront it and instead spend the time on yourself.
In my case I did not find the bottles until after I confronted and I only made a suggestion he cut back so he would be able to go back on his arthritis medication and boy did the tables turn--he got mean, nasty, told lies about me, told me I was controlling. So during inhouse separation prior to divorce is when I found all the hidden bottles and they were probably there all the time, I just never discovered it.
You get help for yourself first and then decide where to go from there--stay and live with it in a much healthier way for you or end the relationship. Good luck to you.
In my case I did not find the bottles until after I confronted and I only made a suggestion he cut back so he would be able to go back on his arthritis medication and boy did the tables turn--he got mean, nasty, told lies about me, told me I was controlling. So during inhouse separation prior to divorce is when I found all the hidden bottles and they were probably there all the time, I just never discovered it.
You get help for yourself first and then decide where to go from there--stay and live with it in a much healthier way for you or end the relationship. Good luck to you.
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