Thinking a plan would have been a good idea....
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Thinking a plan would have been a good idea....
I think I did a no no tonight. I got sucked in and joined in an argument with a drunk a. Whoops.
Friday he went to band practice, which ended at 9.. But didn't come home drunk till 12:30. Had gone to a bar. Was very proud of himself because he came home.
Saturday, I told him that his actions hurt me, that I was tired of it. That I don't think he does it on purpose or to hurt me, but it is not acceptable. He was playing at a backyard party and took ds9. I thank my higher power that I decided to go a little later for a bit. There could of been a really bad situation and I now have a new boundary, ds will not be going anywhere with him again. This was a buffet, family kind of party. It was getting dark, the police had showed up out the front for a noise complaint. The kids were playing with plastic and nerf guns, I saw ds pick up a toy plastic shotgun and go to run out the front with it. I yelled across the yard stop do not go out front and amazingly he listened. I don't know what the police would have done but I don't think it would have been good, and at worst it could have been a rookie and he could have got shot. He is very tall and could easily be mistaken fir a teen. Ah had no idea even though I was on the other side of the yard. He had no idea what the kids were doing, hadn't talked to or checked on him since they got there. Was a teaching moment for ds on the way home as I explained to him. We left at 9. Ah said he would be home in half an hour, called at 11:40 to say 15 minutes, then came home. At 3am. He said it took him 3 hours to figure out how to dial a taxi.
I took ds to visit a relative Sunday, did not invite ah. Ds and I had a wonderful peaceful time. Ah got drunk Sunday and of course Monday.
Swore at my mother this morning and kicked her out of our house. She is disabled, mobility impaired, and has no where to go and no one to call. She did do something wrong but he went overboard.
So I came home and got in an argument with him. He said he is stung that I didnt invite him. I told him that his liver is dying. That he becomes drunk with only a few beers. That his appologies don't mean anything because he does the same thing the next day. He said he will love me forever, he is not doing anything wrong, he is not cheating, and I kinda lost it, how can you love me when I tell you you are hurting me and you do it again and again.
Anyways I am calm now, wasn't really yelling just talking heatedly.
I came upstairs and his ring is on my dresser. So I guess he is making my mind up for me.
So I don't really have a plan, and am too tired to come up with one. My name is on the lease here, next step figure out how to afford it.
Please tell me I will be better off, because I do love him and my heart is breaking, but this is not the way I want ds and my life to be.
Friday he went to band practice, which ended at 9.. But didn't come home drunk till 12:30. Had gone to a bar. Was very proud of himself because he came home.
Saturday, I told him that his actions hurt me, that I was tired of it. That I don't think he does it on purpose or to hurt me, but it is not acceptable. He was playing at a backyard party and took ds9. I thank my higher power that I decided to go a little later for a bit. There could of been a really bad situation and I now have a new boundary, ds will not be going anywhere with him again. This was a buffet, family kind of party. It was getting dark, the police had showed up out the front for a noise complaint. The kids were playing with plastic and nerf guns, I saw ds pick up a toy plastic shotgun and go to run out the front with it. I yelled across the yard stop do not go out front and amazingly he listened. I don't know what the police would have done but I don't think it would have been good, and at worst it could have been a rookie and he could have got shot. He is very tall and could easily be mistaken fir a teen. Ah had no idea even though I was on the other side of the yard. He had no idea what the kids were doing, hadn't talked to or checked on him since they got there. Was a teaching moment for ds on the way home as I explained to him. We left at 9. Ah said he would be home in half an hour, called at 11:40 to say 15 minutes, then came home. At 3am. He said it took him 3 hours to figure out how to dial a taxi.
I took ds to visit a relative Sunday, did not invite ah. Ds and I had a wonderful peaceful time. Ah got drunk Sunday and of course Monday.
Swore at my mother this morning and kicked her out of our house. She is disabled, mobility impaired, and has no where to go and no one to call. She did do something wrong but he went overboard.
So I came home and got in an argument with him. He said he is stung that I didnt invite him. I told him that his liver is dying. That he becomes drunk with only a few beers. That his appologies don't mean anything because he does the same thing the next day. He said he will love me forever, he is not doing anything wrong, he is not cheating, and I kinda lost it, how can you love me when I tell you you are hurting me and you do it again and again.
Anyways I am calm now, wasn't really yelling just talking heatedly.
I came upstairs and his ring is on my dresser. So I guess he is making my mind up for me.
So I don't really have a plan, and am too tired to come up with one. My name is on the lease here, next step figure out how to afford it.
Please tell me I will be better off, because I do love him and my heart is breaking, but this is not the way I want ds and my life to be.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Could anyone else share their views on the backyard party incident? Am I over reacting? I am feeling stressed and anxious, but I am really mad, I really think that the police could have pulled their guns. They see someone running out in the dark with a gun ... I don't think they would stop to figure out it is a child, to figure out if the gin is real. Or am I just throwing it out of proportion?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Sky,
You reacted as I would have, whether or not it is "wrong" I don't know. But, these days the police just don't mess around. I think you are just using your wisdom.
I don't know your stories and I don't think I have to in order to understand. Most of us are pretty much in the same boat.
Personally I think the ring on the dresser is just a bit of a manipulation, that is just my opinion. I think he is being dramatic, hoping you will apologize to him, hoping you will give him permission to continue to saturate his liver and keep on - keepin on-- just drink to his hearts content. Again, my opinion. My AH will occasionally throw me a "I guess I just ruin everything" or " well- we could sell the house and split it since I've made everyone so miserable". Those moments are few and far between, usually its just me ragging on him. After all, he should "be able to enjoy a drink in his own house."
You mentioned you want someone to say you will better off. Well, you just might be better off emotionally, I don't know that either. I've read a lot on here and I'm amazed at the spouses who pull themselves together and make it happen. Really. I know you could do this, I can just tell by the words you've written. You are determined to live and be sure your child is safe emotionally and physically. You've got the drive that's for sure.
I'm sorry your heart is breaking. I've read that a lot on this board. I'm scared to admit that I am waaaaay beyond that point. In my opinion if your heart is breaking because you love him so much, that means you are going to be okay. It's when you get to the point that you just can't care anymore because it takes too much out of you.
Be well, you can do this. Keep coming here, it has helped me so far.
You reacted as I would have, whether or not it is "wrong" I don't know. But, these days the police just don't mess around. I think you are just using your wisdom.
I don't know your stories and I don't think I have to in order to understand. Most of us are pretty much in the same boat.
Personally I think the ring on the dresser is just a bit of a manipulation, that is just my opinion. I think he is being dramatic, hoping you will apologize to him, hoping you will give him permission to continue to saturate his liver and keep on - keepin on-- just drink to his hearts content. Again, my opinion. My AH will occasionally throw me a "I guess I just ruin everything" or " well- we could sell the house and split it since I've made everyone so miserable". Those moments are few and far between, usually its just me ragging on him. After all, he should "be able to enjoy a drink in his own house."
You mentioned you want someone to say you will better off. Well, you just might be better off emotionally, I don't know that either. I've read a lot on here and I'm amazed at the spouses who pull themselves together and make it happen. Really. I know you could do this, I can just tell by the words you've written. You are determined to live and be sure your child is safe emotionally and physically. You've got the drive that's for sure.
I'm sorry your heart is breaking. I've read that a lot on this board. I'm scared to admit that I am waaaaay beyond that point. In my opinion if your heart is breaking because you love him so much, that means you are going to be okay. It's when you get to the point that you just can't care anymore because it takes too much out of you.
Be well, you can do this. Keep coming here, it has helped me so far.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I don't think you over reacted with respect to the party and your son. Better to error on the side of caution. And I think you set a healthy boundary if you decide your son won't go anywhere with him since he has proven to be unreliable.
I also think the ring on the dresser is manipulation....drama. He's looking for attention, wants to drag you into it. I personally wouldn't even comment on the ring...leave it there.
You don't have to come up with a plan right now. I have shared this before, I learned a new twist on an old saying when I was new to AlAnon. "Don't just do something...Stand there!" Meaning, if we're confused sometimes it's best to do nothing right away. Take the time to learn all you can about this disease. Find an AlAnon group near you and start attending, lots of support and experience there for you.
Most of all, take care of you and your son. (((hugs)))
I also think the ring on the dresser is manipulation....drama. He's looking for attention, wants to drag you into it. I personally wouldn't even comment on the ring...leave it there.
You don't have to come up with a plan right now. I have shared this before, I learned a new twist on an old saying when I was new to AlAnon. "Don't just do something...Stand there!" Meaning, if we're confused sometimes it's best to do nothing right away. Take the time to learn all you can about this disease. Find an AlAnon group near you and start attending, lots of support and experience there for you.
Most of all, take care of you and your son. (((hugs)))
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I think you responded properly at the party. A guy from my church just started 15 years for shooting an unarmed man while working security at a nightclub. Someone shot at him and he shot this guy because he was sure the shot came from that direction. He admitted to not knowing if that guy was the one who actually shot at him. It's crazy. I drove by some kids earlier today who were pointing Nerf guns at cars passing by. My first thought was hoping they didn't end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. We live in one of the most secure gated communities in the country (a Navy base), and a gun of any type in the wrong circumstances could spell disaster. I couldn't imagine losing a child, but to that kind of mistake? Even more heartbreaking.
In re: the ring, A's are mega drama queens. I wouldn't put much stock into what you saw. I can just about guarantee that he will change his tune in the next day or two and be singing along the lines of loving you more than anything in the world and how much he needs you in his life. Or some bs like that. It's how they work. Keeping working on you and leave him to wipe his own butt. You are worth so much more than an alcoholic manchild.
In re: the ring, A's are mega drama queens. I wouldn't put much stock into what you saw. I can just about guarantee that he will change his tune in the next day or two and be singing along the lines of loving you more than anything in the world and how much he needs you in his life. Or some bs like that. It's how they work. Keeping working on you and leave him to wipe his own butt. You are worth so much more than an alcoholic manchild.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Sky---in regards to the backyard incident---I'm right with you on that. Any situation with a gun is worrysome--plastic or not. Same with dogs who bark at policemen--could get the dog shot in the right circumstances. Shudder....
About the ring--I agree with those who feel like it is a bit of dramatic manipulation---kind of taking a dramatic "victim" role to throw you off your mark.
I hear you when you say you love him. The sticky wicket, with that, is---love, alone won't be enough to conquer this disease. If that were true--he would already be in recovery, wouldn't he??
What it will take, at this point, is for you to start working on you. Go to alanon; get yourself sorted out--cause, there is nothing you can do to change him--until he decides that he wants recovery, he will see you as one of the enemy. This disease is already affecting your life negatively (and your son).
I agree, you shouldn't have to live like this. And, you don't have to. It stops when you say it does.
dandylion
About the ring--I agree with those who feel like it is a bit of dramatic manipulation---kind of taking a dramatic "victim" role to throw you off your mark.
I hear you when you say you love him. The sticky wicket, with that, is---love, alone won't be enough to conquer this disease. If that were true--he would already be in recovery, wouldn't he??
What it will take, at this point, is for you to start working on you. Go to alanon; get yourself sorted out--cause, there is nothing you can do to change him--until he decides that he wants recovery, he will see you as one of the enemy. This disease is already affecting your life negatively (and your son).
I agree, you shouldn't have to live like this. And, you don't have to. It stops when you say it does.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
I didn't say anything about the ring, but I did put it away. Ugh and yes he did get up this morning and be all la de da. Have a good day blah blah blah. Thank you for pointing out the ring was manipulation, I didn't get sucked in. Also thank you all for your views on the party, I am so so glad ds is ok, I'm so glad something made me go when I really wanted to be on the other side of the earth from ah
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
To Skymitchg:
You did the right thing--you saw something that could possibly happen--you had the foresight to stop it. Whether it would have played out that way or not, it matters not. You protected your son. If you had not and something did happen you would regret it the rest of your life--you saved yourself from regrets--you are a great parent!
You did the right thing--you saw something that could possibly happen--you had the foresight to stop it. Whether it would have played out that way or not, it matters not. You protected your son. If you had not and something did happen you would regret it the rest of your life--you saved yourself from regrets--you are a great parent!
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