BWalt

Ok, here’s my story, bear with me as this might get long.

I met my wife about 14 years ago in TX, we dated for almost two years before getting married. During this time I began to understand she tended to imbibe a bit too much on occasion. I also found out that she got divorced previously due to drinking and lost custody of her daughter after an accident and DUI with her daughter in the car.

We talked about this and I knew she desperately wanted to get better. She came from a good supportive Christian family with no issues, so I knew this was possible. I knew she was a great person when sober, we’d had plenty of sober periods, so we got engaged. Before we could get married, my job took us to another state so we ended up getting married there. Before we got married, she spent a week in detox, trying to get some sobriety and we both went to our respective recovery programs. After getting married, this stopped and things went way off course. Lots of blackout drinking, fighting, etc... She ended up going to a month-long recovery center back in TX and she came back a new person, the great person I knew she wanted to be and could be. Life was good.

Next we moved back to TX, had kids, good jobs for both of us. After a few years in a big city, I was getting a little stir crazy so we took another assignment out of state.

Things were good in the beginning, but some abuse of diet pills arose and within 3 years, the drinking was back in full force. I started working out of town through the week, getting ready for a new job assignment in yet another state. One Friday afternoon, I received a call from the school principal, she'd caught my wife with empty bottles in the car picking up our boys after school. She couldn't get her to stop, but didn't call the cops since she knew I was out of town and didn't want our boys to end up in state custody. Of course I rush home, 3 hour trip in 2 hours to a passed out wife. No bus was available and no one in town was close enough to bring in to help, so my mom and her mom teamed up to watch over her & the boys until I could get the family back together. She decided she needed to go back to the 30 day rehab again, this was 2009. A week after getting back, she was drinking again, just as hard as before. A few weeks later, we're back together as a family in a new home in a new state. Things are bumpy at first and slowly settle down, at least until I leave on a business trip for a few days. The day I'm heading back, she's unreachable on the phone after arguing with me so I call the church we started going to and they find someone to help out. They call to tell me they're at our house, door was open and she was passed out inside, luckily school isn't out yet, so she hides the keys and I catch a flight and call her when I land so she can go home to her AH and kids.

A little more time goes by and she starts spending time with a retired pastor, a great gal who helps counsel her and gets her involved with church activities. She ends up having an epiphany and stops cold turkey out of fear that satan himself will end up with our sons. Things are good for the next couple years until we return to our prior state where again I'm working out of town often.

Finally, we relocate to be near her family so she can have some support which is good for me because I've been overseas quite a bit lately, each time it seems with an incident where I need to call in support from family. The latest incident was the last day of school where she picked the boys up from school, came home and minutes later her parents arrived and she was passed out. Another time during the week, she came home in a blackout state, fighting, screaming & cursing in front of our boys who ran & hid behind their beds, of course I took the keys & dumped the half-full cup of wine in the van.

Fast forward a couple months to today. I'm fed up, (yeah, finally right?), trouble is that I love this woman, she's great when she's sober, a great wife, a great mother and a great woman for the community at large. She really has a knack for bringing folks together, taking on projects at church and using her creative vision to do good.

Friday she left to get pizza, I found 3 small empty wine bottles and when she got back, she had alcohol on her breath. I took her keys & locked em up, she didn't fight about it all weekend until today when she asked for the keys back and I told her no, not until I'm assured that you won't financially ruin our family due to your drinking and I'm taking a hard stance on this. She's not been pulled over in 15 years so she believes things will be fine, however it just takes that one time and I'm tired of her risking everything we have. She's not working and has no real reason to drive except to get groceries, doctor appointments, etc...

A few things I didn't put in above, I signed us both up for a cell phone locator so we each can check on the other person's whereabouts. I find out she was leaving the boys at home alone when they were 7 & 8 to drive an hour away to pick up the vyvanse she abuses on occasion. The vyvanse is now locked up and metered out weekly. Also, we have security cameras around the house that I use to check to see if she's home or not, of course she can use these as well and they're hopefully a burglary deterrent. These were purchased during a period of sobriety if it matters.

I do attend a weekly church based recovery group when I can, it's non alanon, but it's close, it's church based and it's all men. I've attended hundreds, but not quite a thousand Alanon & AA meetings over the years. It's tough to find a good alanon group, especially one with men near my age (40s).


Got a few questions, some I think I know the answer to, others I don't know.

1) Am I crazy here? Likely
2) Will she ever change? Only she knows
3) Can we live together but be divorced to ensure I can't be sued if she has a wreck due to drinking?
4) Can I make it on my own with two boys aged 9 & 10 with no family (of mine) within 3 hours from home? I might need to.
5) Am I wrong for taking the keys away?
6) How do I know when I can give the keys back?

Thanks for any thoughts or advise.

BWalt

hisimage48

Don't know how to respond to this, I'm fairly new at all of this. Not at being married to an A, but admitting, surrendering, and meeting up with people of the like. Thoughts and prayers for you dear "family", after all, it is something we have in common.

I would say that since you've already taken away the keys, why give them back? She has yet to prove that she has the strength to not drive. Those children are the most precious possession that you have. Not only is she a danger to herself, but a danger to you and your children. It is okay for you to want to protect your name, home and money. She has given you no other choice. It won't make her think twice, apparently, to go out and pick something up for her to consume. It may, however, slow the process down a bit.

Prayers for you..

Recovering2

Dear BWalt, are you her spouse or her parent? Your attempts to control her drinking, ie keeping the keys etc, are doomed to failure. Learn the 3 C's: We don't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Most of us struggle with the control part. I am guilty of hiding keys, wallet, etc to keep my BF from the exact same thing. It is short lived, and does nothing to stop the disease. It only makes us crazy in our behaviors.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to stop her if she wants to drink. She is an adult, and has the right to make choices, however bad they may be. All you can do is decide what your boundaries are. What will you tolerate for you and your children? This disease is progressive, so it will only get worse without treatement.

Too often,those of us who love an A get in the way by trying to control what they're doing. I had to learn to leave my A to his Higher Power. Then I had to get....out....of ....the...way. As long as we step in to take care of things...we are in the way of letting them experience the true consequences of their choices.

My best advice....find an AlAnon meeting near you and start attending. They suggest you attend 6 before deciding if it's for you or not. Some area have Men only meetings, a lot have child care. Everyone in those rooms has been in similar shoes, there is no judgement. Only experience/strength/hope.

All the best....

BWalt

Her driving a vehicle while intoxicated that has my name on the title with insurance & gas paid by me is my boundary. I'm well aware of the 3 C's - she can ride her bike to the liquor store like she has in the past. I'm not looking to cure or control the drinking, only to control the drinking & driving.

We've been through this same cycle maybe a few dozen times in the last year: she comes home after drinking & driving, I take the keys, she apologizes, I give them back, she comes home after drinking & driving. One of these days she's going to hurt someone. A year ago in the area, a gal had 20+ drinks at a bar, drove the wrong way down the highway & killed 3 people. Everyone is getting sued and I don't want to have something like that on my shoulders.

If you are the sole provider for your family, what would you do? She has no reason to drive, when she did attend AA / recovery groups, she'd often drink before, after or skip all together. She's also been in detox twice this year - not progressing well at all.

limbogal

I say let her ride the bike. You are not able to save her life (clearly she has chosen alcohol over everything else) but you are capable of saving someone else's if she doesn't drink n drive.

Skymitchg

I say keep the keys. I'm all for the a's suffering the consequences.. But if it is your car, your insurance why should you have to pay for it if she gets in a DUI or accident? After my ah's DUI I made him sign a letter and did up a form for the insurance company, he is not allowed to drive my car, ever. He has not driven since then, 6 years ago. It is "our" car, he helps pay for it, but sober or not he cannot drive it. I need the car for transportation, and like you would not want to be responsible if something happens. My ah could get his license back, could have got the charge pardoned, could get his own car, these are the things he could do but has no motivation to do so, and can continue to wait cuz Im not doing it for him.
So good for you for taking the keys, I wouldn't give them back.

NWGRITS

This is where we cross the line from the A hurting themselves to potentially hurting innocent people. Absolutely keep the keys. And think about what is best for yourself and your children. Living with an A is so damaging to children (I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic), and undoing that can take a lifetime. With enough courage and determination, you can do anything. Keep reading and posting!

Recovering2

I'm not saying don't keep the keys. I'm just asking if this is the role you want to take in your marriage. You can't watch over her every minute of every day. You shouldn't have to.

wellnowwhat

I never thought my AH would drink and drive with our children. When I discovered I was wrong I put a breathalyzer on his car. He does not have access to my car keys.

I agree that the thought of him possibly killing someone because he needs to learn the consequences of his action is just too much.

I feel that this way I am not deciding if or when he drinks and drives. The car decides whether he drives or not. If he can't start his car, he doesn't drive, that's his consequence. I never step in and help, and he knows better than to ask. Even if it is morning-after alcohol levels that are too high and he has to get to work, it does not matter. That is a consequence of his drinking - he's on his own.

This has ended a lot of arguing. If he wants to have the breathalyzer taken off his car, I will divorce him. This is not an ultimatum, but a boundary. I will not be financially, morally or legally tied to anyone who drinks and drives.

Not a perfect solution, or even a permanent one, but it helps me sleep nights for now.

OnlyOneProblem

Can I make it on my own with two boys aged 9 & 10 with no family (of mine) within 3 hours from home? I might need to.

Yes, you can absolutely make it on your own, and it sounds like everyone would benefit.

My daughter has worked as coordinator for Cultural Care Aupair. It is a cultural exchange program and a childcare program. A wonderful program.

I am unable to post the link. If you google Cultural Care Aupair you will find all the information on their website.

Like many have posted before, please protect your children and save yourself from the heartache that your alcoholic wife is determined to bring to your family.

FireSprite

1. No

2. No clue - if she WANTS to, then yes.

3. Sounds possible if you find that to be acceptable, might be worth checking with an attorney though. I would also guess that this would mean getting the car & insurance switched to her name as an individual in order to remove yourself from liability fully. It follows then that you'd want her name removed from any equitable assets that could be liened or taken if she were to get sued (bank accts, house, etc) .... again, worth asking an attorney.

4. Yes, absolutely, you can. We women don't have a corner market on the single-parent game.

5. Yes & no. No because I think putting innocent people in harm's way would eat away at me too, having known someone who lost her kids & husband to a drunk driver. Yes, wrong in the technical sense that this IS definitely an attempt to control no matter your intentions. Taking this action definitely places you between her & the natural consequences of her decisions.

6. You have to decide that for yourself. When she places a 6-month chip from AA in your hand? A year? 2? (There's that control thing again!)

AllieB

I love wellnowwhat's idea. It's only a partial and temporary answer, but it's a really clever stop gap measure. (Of course, the kids would need to be prepped on how to say "no" when AW asks them to blow into the device for her.)

I'm popping in on this forum from the recovery rooms, so I can't speak as a family member of an alcoholic, but, as a person, I'd say: Absolutely take the keys away. Forget about financial liability (though I understand that concern); your kids lives and the lives of innocent strangers are at risk. Even if you were never sued, if there were an accident you'd spend the rest of your life feeling guilty for not taking steps to prevent a dangerous criminal (driving drunk is both dangerous and criminal) from endangering people.

brownhorse

Those poor kids! Only gets worse as they get older and realize what is happening. I say sell the car. It is not worth the risk!

Hammer

Now that everyone has the car stuff sorted out for you . . . .

Celebrate Recovery? Looks like good stuff.

Back in Texas? Plano Legacy Group. 7:30 pm Thursday. Alanon Men's Meeting. I am *still* too big a p*ssy to show up, but know that I should.

BWalt

Totally agreed, I've got to spend time being a better dad, which I can't if I'm always worried about what she's doing.

BWalt

Found the website, thanks! Bookmarked and we'll see if that becomes necessary. The only issue I see is if I'm away on a business trip and need more than 45 hours/week.

BWalt

Ok, but I do plead guilty for arguing & trying to reason with her when she's been drinking


She's agreeing to this, just not to an interlock.

Yep, I grew up with my dad, mom left when I was 5 or 6, he got remarried when I was 10. Grandma was about a half-mile away though, so I spent quite a bit of time there.

For this reason, I'm wanting her to choose to install the interlock.

I want out of this being in control thing, bringing me nothing but heartache & anguish.

Thanks for the thoughts - I'm feeling better about things

BWalt

Yep, that's the one. Went tonight, used my alias that I use here, the guy running the group asked me if I was new to the group which has about 5 regulars and 20-30 that attend sporadically including me. When I smiled he remembered my name. Always a good feeling. He was floored what I've been going through, especially when out of town, spent a little time talking with me afterwards. I owe a lot of my sanity to the guys who have already been through these feelings of desperation and have come out on top. His son is recovered from his addiction and is now a youth pastor in the same church. All by the Grace of God.

Thanks to all for the support, responses & prayers -it's a roller coaster ride. Tonight, she says she'll sign a legal separation to ensure I retain no liability for her actions, we'll possibly fund her with some cash and she'll get to see the boys. When it gets to the boys, that'll be a sticking point in that she'll need to have an interlock (thanks for reminding me wellnowwhat!) or it'll be supervised at her mom's house where I'm pretty sure she'll end up for a bit. We tried an interlock years ago, couldn't get it installed right so they wasted a day of our time working on the minivan. Hopefully we can get a better installer this next time.

The plan is for her to be away for a few months because according to her: "I can't get better with you trying to control everything I do, I have no self confidence anymore, you've taken all that away and I can't get that back under the same roof as you". Also "If I have the interlock installed, I'll always be mad at you everytime I have to use it and that will stop me from focusing on myself and my recovery". And last but not least "I'm so angry at you and negative that I can't get into therapy until I have some time to myself to sort things out". The end goal is for her to stop drinking, gain her self-confidence, happiness & spirit again that she's had before so she can come back and be a part of our family again. If she stays with her mom, I believe this will happen. If she gets an apartment nearby, I have my doubts as she'll have no one to talk with during the day so she'll drink and sink further into depression and we'll lose her.

Hoping for the best - B

Lulu39

My kids are a little older than yours but I just wanted to tell you that I have made it on my own with no family of mine within 3 hours from home.

The only "family" I have in this city are the XAH's and they are all drunks or enablers or co-dependents in denial themselves. Oh and they hate my guts because I am the b*tch who made him leave and (still) makes him drink and take drugs (I have magic b*tch superpowers - I can make XAH drink even when we have no relationship!) and now he is their problem MWAH HA HA HA HA!

It's hard and it sucks sometimes. I have one friend and one work colleague/friend who I could call on if I needed help in an emergency, I haven't yet but I have made the list in my head.

You can do it. If it's what you need, you can.

Lulu39

I'm glad you found some peace and hope at Al Anon.

Translated that means "You make me drink, it's all your fault."

I want to translate all the drunklish she has quacked at you into English so you might better understand it. However, you might be better off just reading the QUACKERS threads. Here's a link to the most recent:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

She is just quacking at you. Pay attention to what she does and not what she says she is going to do.

I'm afraid for you that the agreements you reached with her tonight might be forgotten by her in the morning. I hope not. Fingers crossed for you and hope you get more peace in your life soon.