Mentium

I’ve posted a bit this last few days but I feel the urge to tell my story now. I’m sure it isn’t unique or special in any way and most of you will have heard it one way or another here I am sure. So this is as much for my benefit as anything. I won’t be offended if you scroll on!

The first drink I took was when I was 11 years old. I got drunk. It was my mom and dad’s Christmas party – about 30 people around for drinks in the morning and then Christmas lunch with the family’s best friends. I wrecked the Christmas pudding I was so drunk by sticking a big spoon in and swishing it around. I can still remember it. That was the fault of the adults who kept giving me sips all morning but that’s about the only time it was anyone else’s responsibility than my own. By the age of 14 I was going to bars (there are no age limits where I grew up in Asia – my parents were expats from the UK).
I was a shy only child and booze loosened me up and made me less shy. I was the only 16 year old I knew though who had to be regularly taken home by his friends. I loved to drink. I adored it.

The wonder was that I never became a two bottle of spirits sort of alcoholic at an early age. Instead I drank regularly (every night) at a relatively manageable level, got through university, got a decent job, functioned more or less normally, with the help of strong beer and then wine and went through life being effectively a secret alcoholic. Nobody really knew, except the partners I have had. I got noticeably drunk now and then at a party or dinner out, but usually if we were going out I would eat as little as possible and get stuck in when I got home.

I relied on alcohol for everything and convinced myself I needed it to sleep, to work, to relax, to function. I drank to celebrate and I drank to commiserate. I drank really because I needed to because guess what – I was addicted.

Every so often I would get so ‘toxified’ that I actually managed to take two or three days off. It would be teeth clenchingly difficult and it only happened when my brain was screaming to the point where I felt at the end of my tether. I would dry out a bit and off I would go again. Finally I tried last year to quit but failed.

This pattern has gone on all my life and I am now close to retirement age.
I never crashed a car. I never lost a job. I never landed in hospital. I never had a fist fight or even a drunken argument to speak of. I was a quiet and desperate alcoholic wasting his life and suffering mental agonies the likes of which no non drinker could appreciate I am sure. All this without landing in the gutter and despite many outward signs of so called ‘success’. It has been hollow though and could have been so much more.

I went to AA eight days ago and have not taken a drink since. I very much hope to continue on that path.

Thanks if you lasted to the end!

sleeper1203

Thank you for sharing. You are quite brave for sharing your story. I came to SR almost 2 months ago and have yet to share my story. I find inspiration in your evolution and relate SO much to your final thoughts. I, too, am a success by definition but have pissed the living right out my life. I am dealing with the shell that is left. Hang in there. Knowing the WHY is crucial to sobriety. You have a healthy head start. Good luck.

FourSeasons

Welcome, Mentium!!

Renarde

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so glad for you that you are here.

13unluckyforsom

In a strange way - and an almost wrong way... I'm in awe at how you've managed to sustain that. I know it sounds like a compliment but its not but I'm dumb struck as to how u managed it.


I'm really glad you shared your story with us and your hope shines - 8 days sober after all those years is brilliant - I'm sure it wasn't easy and it won't be easy in future but your doing it so far and if you can do it once u can do it twice thanks and all the best wishes

Bubovski

Hi Mentium.
Your story rang a few bells.
After decades of extreme drinking I spent the last 18 as a 'moderate'.
Some improvement, prior to a crash, but still quite miserable and in ultra control mode.
This year back in AA AND CAN'T RECALL FEELING BETTER...........

Mentium

Thanks to those who have commented. As to this point - I think that many of us, far from being weak willed and spineless, as we often think of ourselves in our worst moments, we are in fact strong purposeful people. How else would we manage to keep doing something with so much commitment and effort, all the while knowing how much harm we are doing to ourselves!?

least

Congrats on your sober time. Keep on keepin' on.

MythOfSisyphus

Congrats on getting off the ride! It's never to late to make a change in your life. In your case the so-called "Golden Years" might be aptly named!

Dee74

thanks for sharing your story Mentium

D

Ornithology

Mention, we have a lot in common. I started drinking in college and ended up sitting on the sofa drunk every night for 34 years. Today is Day 9 for me and I'm trying to understand why I spent a lifetime drinking?

TucTee

There's no reason to hit "rock bottom"; you can surely achieve motivation for abstinence without the unpleasantness. Good luck and keep coming back. This is a wonderful place for support.