Sunshine888

Today is a rough day. It has me doubting all that I have done to separate from my AH. I haven't seen him since July 27th. Since that time, his birthday has passed, my birthday has passed, but the fact that today is our wedding anniversary is what I can't get passed. I refuse to see him for the very reason that I know he can manipulate me. He even showed up at my house today to drop off a card. We didn't interact at all. I had no idea he stopped by. He just left it on the front porch. In the card was a letter that stated he knows alcohol has ruined everything, but he just doesn't care any more.

I want to cry. I love my husband very much. I will always love him, but the life we had together was just going in a downward spiral. I won't fall down the rabbit hole with him. I just wish that my head and my heart matched. I know I am strong enough to want more for myself, but my heart just aches for him. It is hard to know that I am doing the right thing when this isn't what I want at all.

Hammer

Yeah, I get that part REAL CLEAR.

Strange thing, isn't it?

Suppose a caterpillar really wants to become a butterfly?

Or does life and nature just force that on them?

pravchaw

You are doing the right thing. He has to sort out his life on his own and you need to get on with your life. Its hard, but this is reality.

pookielou

Thanks for your post sunshine. I couldn't have said it better. No one asks for or deserves to go through these challenges. My heart goes out to you.

netta1966

[QUOTE=
I want to cry. I love my husband very much. I will always love him, but the life we had together was just going in a downward spiral. I won't fall down the rabbit hole with him. I just wish that my head and my heart matched. I know I am strong enough to want more for myself, but my heart just aches for him. It is hard to know that I am doing the right thing when this isn't what I want at all.[/QUOTE]

I can fully relate with you. I'm not staying at home with my AH since July 3rd and I felt the exact same way as you did. I started going to Al-Anon soon after i left and i can say it has miraculously helped me and refocus on myself instead of him. I still love him and I pray every night for him. The posts on this site have been very very helpful and have helped me see things i didn't see before. Hang in there, it will get better, believe me. I hope he decides to get the help he needs knowing he may lose you. I wish you the best and please take care of yourself which is the most important thing you can do right now. The thing that works for me is not to think too far ahead, just live for today. ONE DAY AT A TIME> Netta

netta1966

I want to apologize for my posts. I haven't quite grasped the "quote" part of editing a message. newbie.

Skymitchg

I don't know what to say, I am still with my ah,maybe, for now. But want to send you hugs.

ShootingStar1

There is so much grief in loving an alcoholic. I am sorry for your sorrow.

ShootingStar1

Wavy

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough day. (hugs) XABF and I used to celebrate every month's anniversary, even after eight and a half years, and the first anniversary after we broke up, when the reminder popped up on my screen - BAM that hurt. Like you, I knew it was the right thing, but still love XABF very much. So I can't begin to imagine how tough it must be for you with your wedding anniversary and your husband leaving you that card.

Are you attending AlAnon? There are lots of people there that will understand the feeling of your head and heart just not being in the same place, who will listen to you and give you hope. There is a book they do called "opening our hearts, transforming our losses" that is about about dealing with all the many things we lose through alcoholism, and the grief that those losses bring. I've found it wonderful for processing the things I'm feeling after the break up and, for me, loss of my childhood to alcoholism as well.

spiderqueen

Hi sunshine; hope you feel better today.

I have not seen XABF in 6 weeks; like you, I love him still, but had to let go.

The anniversary of our reconnecting after 20 years just passed, and I feel sad, too. He actually did text me reminding me of the beautiful camping trip we took (we are not strictly No Contact), and I smiled at the memory, but didn't reply...

Heart wrenching, gut wrenching. (((hugs)))
SQ

Flicka57

I am crying right along with you--I know that pain as so many of us here do. If you love your husband then you are doing the right thing--this may make him stop and save his life. . .it is what you must do as his wife. . .But oh so hard! My thoughts are with you and the heavens are shining down on you now as you have to deal with the feelings from your sacrifice. But I'm hoping things will turn around for you because he at least recognizes alcohol caused this. . .so there is hope. Hang in there!