DS777

Hi All

Yesterday, I spent some of the day with my cousin, we get on just fine but all of a sudden I started feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. Because of having this big deep dark secret inside, I feel I can't be my true self. I don't want to shout from the rooftops to my cousin, hey by the way I'm an alcoholic. So its like hiding half of myself and that's really bloody hard.

I can't act all happy and jolly all the time because I don't feel like that, I'm dealing with this beast right now and its taking all of my energy.

Anyway I spent a lot of that time feeling really uncomfortable, inferior, insecure, a failure, pathetic and very very tense, meanwhile repeating to myself in my head, relax, relax, relax!!!!

I so desperately don't want to be hated by people and I feel if I ever opened up they would change their view of me and that would make my self esteem head even lower than it already is, which is pretty low by the way. I also feel that way when they ask me things like, not married yet, no children, no boyfriend? It makes me feel horrendous. I just don't know what to say. It makes me feel like there is something really wrong with me. I hate those conversations.

I spent the rest of the evening sort of trying to talk myself out of the anxiety, I know that sounds weird, but by saying to myself, you're an ok person, you're not a bad person, you're ok the way you are, but I don't really believe it.

The anxiety I have is always there lurking!!!! Its the pits!

I used to be so confident and so self assured, where has all that gone???

Sorry, I just needed to get this anxiety I have about just about everything off my chest this morning and share, helps me feel a bit better!!!

Thanks all

D x

ZoeM

Hi DS It's still very early days for you and me and we're still getting used to this ourselves. Go easy on yourself. You are NOT a failure or any of the other things you wrote - a failure, would not have faced up to the problem would they?

As for the family asking about relationship status - we ALL get that! I choose to live alone these days and they can't seem to get their heads around it lol
At the end of the day though, it's what makes me happy and it's my life

Your confidence will come back as time passes and you realise what a strong person you are to have dealt with this horrible addiction

Dee74

Anxiety is a part of most peoples early recovery D - it's hard to be out there, in public, without that safety net we all used, but most of us find it does get better

You never have to tell anyone anything you don't want to - and remember you're a good person - a good normal person, battling an illness

D