irisgardens

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves--

I am so full of fears...fears that I will be left alone in my troubles...and yes, it happens time after time after time...as I open my eyes to the # of drinkers and people who have done drugs in my life who I have tried to help, assist, support and save...many of them really dislike me as I started to set boundaries and tell the truth...my mother, my sister, my son, my daughter, my other daughter who enables the two others...I am weak, but I am standing alone with the Lord and I told them the truth about hubby's drinking and father's drinking and I am surviving and getting things done...one minute at a time.

I keep giving in to those I love...when it is bad for them and bad for me. Not on all all the time...I finally set boundaries on my mother (after she turned on me 13 years ago after I helped her with my dad's final stroke and illness for 13 years and after my baby son died...to give service and to take the spiritual path) while I went through enough therapy to start to wake up and realize that I needed help for myself.

When she turned on me, I continued to do recovery because my oldest daughter was doing drugs and I started to confront my husband's lifetime drinking since I met him...and my middle daughter became a crystal meth addict. I continued to spend my considerable savings (at that time) to help my daughters, to do my own work, and to confront myself...through alanon and naranon...and rehab and detox's and seeing the reality of life that I had blinded myself to through eating disorder from age 16 and shopping compulsions.

I woke up and realized that dad and mom and dad's family were full of addicts...alcohol, prescription pills, etc. That mom told me about all of them...while her family was perfect...realized that that was not true...but that she was more toxic than any of my dad's family...many of whom opened up and were honest about the addictions...and helped me understand more of the history. Mom just got mad and started calling me crazy and when Dad died...turned completely away...and I went down for the count.

Kept on going...I was told that losing a child was a trauma...and over time came to understand that my mother's abandonment once she no longer needed me...and supported by the sister that was my best friend until the moment Dad died (probably not, but I thought so) and then the two male siblings...none of whom ever called me again after his death...although I managed and coordinated his critical care plan for the three operations and after care over the 11 years after son died and Dad had his stroke.

Was told what mom and sister really believed about me when Dad died...it was pretty awful...and they don't seem to remember what they spent the previous 45 years talking to me about each other. Kept on going and doing recovery...middle daughter on crystal meth...was shunned...and mother told everyone I was crazy. Pretty sure they believed her although I stayed in contact with one brother...and over time...the younger brother was nicer as his own life didn't pan out 'perfectly'.

Learned about 'don't feel, don't talk, don't ...', but it was too late...had already written my feelings to my mother and one brother read it...it was in healing from my son's death...mother read...before Dad's death...I had no idea until he died how much she really hated me...but learned and started on overcoming the guilt and self blame...and sister just kept calling me selfish, narcissitic and something else...learned about black and white...the whole time working and making enough money to give the kids what they needed...to 'get over' the sibling death...but ultimately it was me that needed to feel better.

Well...I gave too much...and they do not appreciate me or even care about me. I am letting go, letting God.

I finally went no contact with mother in February...was in such a bad place physically without enough money to buy a hot water heater for showers and living on a construction site my hubby was building but couldn't finish as ran out of money (again) and she simply told me that I am mentally unstable...believes that antidepressants are drugs and told me that I needed major medical help and that she cannot believe I am telling the truth unless hubby calls. He wouldn't, but it isn't necessary...there is no return for her...she has been drinking my whole life...there is no return from that kind of negativity and blame and scapegoating.

I stood up to husband, insisted on getting to a doctor to get my meds evaluated...he wouldn't give me money (because we were out but as usual, he wouldn't admit to it)...I went...was told I was super normal...and doing well, stood up to him...told the kids the truth over email...that hubby hasn't made any money in at least 15 years and my substantial savings is gone...they are pissed and don't believe me...but I am glad I said it.

I also told hubby that it was time to do something drastically different...no more blame, no more not taking responsibility...that I had a Skype job interview...and that I would stay if he insisted...and he insisted I take the job.

Took the job...still manipulable...and a pleaser...and although the cravings for contact with mother have finally broken...I do think of her in positive thinking...but she has treated me like dirt since my son died...and my sister since my Dad died 11 years later...and my ex crystal meth daughter is emotionally abusive, so I set a boundary with her and told her no more verbal abuse...she hasn't changed...she is black & white, selfish...and ultimately didn't let me stay in the apartment my hubby and I got for ourselves when we lost our home and business...says we left and it is hers now...so I am cutting contact...for God's sake...she and her two twin girls lived with us for 7 years before we lost everything.

God...I definitely am doing things wrong. I need to be more firm...and not take care of these toxic people...and set boundaries...and I am now anxious I will lose this job if I get too emotionally so am resting so that I can breathe more easily...staying away from the people who just tell me to get over it or talk about their own problems...and I always listen...but I need to stop Lord...because when it is my problem they don't listen...they don't stand by me.

Hubby is now taking meds for depressions and antianxiety...came to find us a home and did...I am working...and doing ok at staying calm...not the best...paranoid about making mistakes and I have made them...but I am good at what I do...they are the small detailed mistakes, but as a perfectionist in recovery, I get afraid when they happen...that I will get fired.

I am working very hard not to enable my heroin addict daughter on the streets of SF...although I know where she is now...and I am working to accept that the two middle kids are out of contact with me and called me crazy (because I was emotional which is normal for these situations) and I am letting Go, letting God...but it is so much to face again...I have faced two previous addictions with daughters head on...but now need to let them make their choices to not be in contact with me or heroin addict daughter.

I am struggling to stand up and hold onto my own dignity and in humble prayer know that God is standing by me as I learn hard and harsh lessons.

I am trying not to take in people who talk to me and tell me so many of their problems but don't want to know anything about me but the pleaser, compassionate heart that listens to them and cheers them up. I am spending some time alone in my apartment when things get overwhelming and i am going to look for a meeting that might meet.

I get hurt so easily...mother always said I was too sensitive. Dad loved me although he was an alcoholic...and had rages...but when he died...my make-shift, make believe world fell apart...because it was an imaginary world. I was brought up by a conservative religious family...they do not forgive anyone but themselves...survivors all.

I am really in trouble...not because I am bad...but because I am too sensitive, too giving to those in need and who are incapable by personality or attitude of giving back, I am a pushover for a sob story and honestly believe that my friends will stand by me when I am in trouble...not...I am too nice...and I am scared of people...believe they will hurt me when I am vulnerable or take advantage because most do.

I see the good in everyone...but do not see the less positive traits...and that seems to be a downside. I get really really sad and tired and have very few people I can call on in a crisis...although in previous years I did...but my 'mothers' and 'sisters' who were able to be there for me before are in trouble themselves and I need to support them back or respect their inability to go deeper.

My sister says I am 'too deep' while she and mom are shallow and superficial and this has become the family saying since Dad died. I am really happy to have had the strength, finally, to go no contact in February. They are all in denial...and there is absolutely nothing I can do but continue to work on my own life.

I am going to need to work on this step for a while...but at least I am doing it and I feel like a wreck of a life...except for taking care of all my loved ones to the point where I have lost everything and am always anxious (right below the surface) and get triggered easily by the smallest things.

I am a perfectionist in recovery...for many years...codependent in recovery, ACOA and naranon and alanon in recovery...but this relapse this year and truly hitting a bottom that I almost couldn't come back from...thank you God for your help...has me spinning...and wondering what I can do to do the work I need to do now.

I am currently not enabling the heroin addict and I am working and have a place to live. I am not going too overboard on shopping or eating which were my DOC before...but it is leading to anxiety...and I need to process it out.

Not fixing anything or anybody...well...I am being honest and just working on dealing with each day as it comes up. Trying to face life as it is...and doing much better on leaving the past behind...although have some good memories.

Ok...well...I didn't explain anything well and I am a mess...but this is my best honest assessment I can come up with right now...will keep on working on it.