irisgardens

Turning my will and life over to you...I can't do it alone...never have been able to do so.

I can take care of so many people in their hardship, but when I am down or sad or upset...there aren't very many there for me.

I am much older than 7 now...58...and realize that there have been so many addicts in my life...and that the 'friends' I thought I had when I was less healthy are not my friends...they just like me when I listen to all their problems and what they have to say...they don't listen.

I am overcome with worry and fear today...after doing well for a few months...almost like it all came from somewhere deep down...and no one wants to know anything about my life...my fear for my heroin addict daughter on the streets of SF...even the two previous daughters I stood by and stood there for and started my downward spiral into poverty and joblessness.

I have come to realize that I don't have the people they had...me...who stood by them...I have been rejected and talked badly about...my life has been so hard...and people just shut down, go away...don't want to hear...but I listen to them and stand by them.

I am turning my life over to you again and again, Lord...I cannot do one minute without this. I know that you are in control and that when the fear and anxiety comes in and I am triggered by things I don't even know...that I need to turn it (and whatever it is) again.

I am walking one minute at a time...working...thank you God for the job...two months now and the anxiety of feeling like I will get fired is overwhelming but I am getting it done.

A place to live after my FOO and my kids turned me down and I had to stay with hubby's friends for two months until he could travel here and get us an apartment...thank you God...after two weeks of sheer turn downs due to bad credit report...you showed him mercy...and he is convinced that you did a miracle for him.

Hubby's friends who allowed me to stay and work while I saved enough money for the apartment and the deposit and first and last...thank you God.

The reach outs from bf and a friend of daughter's that daughter is alive, if not well, in the streets...and now I know where to find her...after looking in the streets for two months (when I felt well enough). Also, with hubby showing me the section of the city where he looked for her for the two previous years before leaving for his home country to work...when he had no job...and I was working.

Thank you God for the word that she is alive...after she cut contact in April...making it possible through the job to bring me back and finding me a place to live.

So many blessings...but today the fear and worry hit...and I hit bottom and had no hope...and it had nothing to do with things being bad...think I just got too exhausted and tired and with the 3 day weekend...unwinding...

I am turning these worries and fears over to you...the feeling that now that good things are happening...something really bad...worse is going to happen...that is me...not you.

Turning over my daughter, my kids who are not supportive despite my years of support in their own addiction...my hubby who is doing better than he was as he started antidepressants and antianxiety and is not drinking. Turning my life over...and doing my very best to be healthy...and to take care of my own needs...even though it has always been so much easier to take care of others...from childhood.

I ama turning this over God..I can't do it myself...never could, but apparently I thought I could...but it was not conscious and now I am learning that when everything goes down...you are the one that I can depend on...like the message I got from you last year...as I left for Chile...full of dreams and hopes after so many broken years with so many things...and the message said...when it is only you and God...God is enough.

I know that I am not.

Thank you...I have left so much baggage behind already...there is more...so I am leaving it here.