nbay2013

I feel like I am burning out my friends. Addiction affects not only friends/family, but friends of ours also. They have to see our suffering, our often poor decisions, sometimes made repeatedly, and endless conversations. My relationship with my EXABF lasted about 5 1/2 years. Three were not good. So for three years, and especially for an intense two; it's been drama. And even though I have had no contact for over 30 days now (yay!) my friends hear about this part too!

I try to spread the need for support around, but I know it wears thin. Hey, I KNOW how it feels. I have been on the other side more than a few times, and it does take patience and sometime avoidance. I am thinking maybe I should start "No Talking" about him in a similar way as "No Contact" Like one day at a time. Except for of course, here and my therapist.

Suggestions?

Thanks guys

Hammer

Yep. Alanon.

And here.

We are pretty much been there or doing it.

Most have qualified for the T-Shirt, as well.

Other folks -- not so much. Give them a break.

Impurrfect

Got to agree with Hammer. I lost a very dear "normal" friend because I was always going on and on about XABF#1 (yeah, I had 3...slow learner). I always thought I'd be able to make it up to her, but she died of a heart attack at 32 before I could.

I strained a LOT of friendships talking about what was wrong with our relationship yet not taking anyone's advice.

I wish I had gone to al-anon way back then. I wish I had listened to friends that saw what was going on and tried to help me. I'm fortunate that I've gotten back some of those friendships (over 20 years old) but we don't always get a 2nd chance.

Al-anon folks understand. They all walk similar paths. "Normal" people will not get what you are going through (in my experience) and will get burnt out.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Seren

When I had a bad breakup with a particular ex....I began to wear out my welcome with certain friends. I realized that if my friends are important to me, I need to call them and ask about them and their day and their life, not just talk about mine.

So that's what I began to do. And you know what? It helped me, too! I was able to think about and talk about something other than my own pain and hurt, and it helped me to get past it. It helped me to get out of my own head, so to speak.

allysen

It sounds like a lot of your identity has perhaps become wrapped up in someone else and their addiction, which is maybe why you talk about it so much. I guess you could ask yourself, "If I wasn't always thinking about EXABF, what would I be thinking/doing/talking about?" If you have a hard time coming up with an answer, it's time for some self-discovery! Time to get out more, start new hobbies, see some movies, read the newspaper, go on a road trip, so that you have other aspects of your life that excite you and that you want to share.

In the past, I was the friend who got burnt out. My friend of many years was going through a divorce, and the way she went on and on about it, I started to think she might as well stay with the guy if she was this obsessed with him. Even now, I still keep my distance. She seems to derive some satisfaction playing the role of victim/martyr. Its very draining when it becomes repetitive.

nbay2013

Thank you all for much needed advice. I have reached a point that I am even sick of myself thinking about him all the time. I do have great hobbies and a good job. But, my mind is in a state of obsession about his man and is not pretty.

I bike, a lot. It takes discipline. Starting today, I will use the same discipline and stop talking about my ex with friends; even if they ask. I will say, "thanks for asking; it's getting better". And change the subject.

I love this forum. Here I trust I will get advice served "REAL"

Love and respect

Carrie

spiderqueen

I have also had to consciously NOT talk about XABF, and keep it short even when my concerned friends ask. Which is really hard to do. Because it helps so much to vent and cry.

Like you, I have a therapist, SR, and the occasional Alanon mtg (though I do not attend regularly) where I can unload.

I agree that one solution is getting busy with all the things we love and finally have time for now, without the drama of the alcoholic X.

Love the "No Talking About Him With Friends" pledge! Where do I sign up?

SQ

nbay2013

LOL...you sign up here SQ! I am going to view my commitment to not talking about him with friends the same as No Contact. This will be "No Talking", NT.

atalose

When I first broke up with my addict boyfriend in 2004 all I did was talk about him, think about him until eventually he was right back in my life.............kind of like him with drugs, the more he talked about them, thought about them eventually he was doing them again.

Use outlets that really do understand, like posting here, al-anon, therapy and save your friends for friends. Going no talking with your friends really does help, it doesn't mean you can't when you have to just talk with the right people.

I must say that this time around I did request from my friends that THEY not talk about him. That they NOT ask any questions and to also NOT discuss what they may hear about him with me.

It's really helped except for my one friend who works at the court, she has advised me of his situation but that was ok we didn't go into details just general.

Yurt

I have read that the things/people that you focus on, are what/ who you bring into your life. A bit Wayne Dyerish, but it certainly couldn't hurt to focus and think about what you really want.

Hammer

o

good, good, good stuff.

Sort of like a kid learning to ride a bike?

Where you look is where you go?

====================

Let me see if can apply this properly?

So you are saying that I should start hanging out at bikini bars and strip clubs?

Hot Chicks, there and all.

Yurt

Well, if it's hot chicks you want, then...


BTW, I am also signing up for NT. I need to be able to keep my current circle of friends.

trixie56

I'm glad you posted this question, because I've been thinking about it , too. For the past couple of months since I went NC, I had a strong need to talk about the whole thing...a lot. Probably too much. I'm grateful for my friends, but I could tell that a couple of them got tired of my re-hashing, 'how could he do this to me?!' thing. I don't blame them. Lately I started thinking about all the other things I could be doing with my time/life rather than thinking about someone who treated me like total crap and is most likely not thinking about me right now! Ugh.

Totally going for NT, too.

Hammer

I see Hot Chicks as a major life improvement over Crazy Chicks.

I guess you follow I am joking?

Sort of an old running joke around here that I find rather plain, simple dress, no-make-up Mennonite style wimmen folks as attractive. Probably early life imprinting on me. Mrs. Hammer used to drift that way. Ponytail, sandals, and cut-offs being the modifier.

Since rehab she has been trying to "copy" her mom's style. She even gets up an hour early for war-paint/make-up. MIL even did her clothes shopping. Not so keen on any of that.

dunno about the NT thing. I sort of have a fan-base at work who all laugh at my mis-adventures. Big boss looked all concerned at me one day, and said (a John Wayne western guy, this being Texas, and all) -- "This sounds like a Psychological Problem, then?"

Got pulled off my major projects the next week. Can't have a guy with a Crazy Wife running multi-million dollar projects. (no joke on that part).

nbay2013

Yay! We can have a NT support group! My first is today. I am hanging with a friend, who is the least burned out by me, because I don't see her much. I will make her my first NT practice.

I will practice in my head..."So Carrie, how ARE you?" Me: "Doing ok; I went to Oakland yesterday and saw an awesome demonstration and cops in riot gear! " (true story) I will report back.

When I was with my EX-ABF I used constant venting as a way to sooth me. It allowed me to tolerate an untenable situation. As opposed to another type of crisis; my daughter had a critical illness starting in February of this year. She is much better, but people turned out in droves to support me with that situation. That was a very different situation where people gladly gave me and her, loving support.

The Ex-AB situation is different. I thinking my complaining, venting, crying, or even telling dark humor jokes kept me engaged longer in the relationship and people (normies) rightfully so, tire of the same 'ol s**t. It seems to be the opposite of detachment.

Yurt

Well, I hope so...

This is why I haven't "shared" with the principal at my school. She only wants to hear about happily married teachers. When she asks how my H is; I smile and tell her that he is about the same..

I will start today also. I had the urge to pick up the phone and call a friend that I lean on, and because I know that the subject will come up, I will just wait until I see him next week. It is easier to "not" talk about it in person.

stella27

I very much don't wish to be identified by my (X)AH's problems, so I rarely bring him up. I want to be valued and loved for who I am and I don't want to be associated with his craziness.

Plus, when he starts ranting and raving about how terrible I am, people don't think we just don't get along because they don't hear the same crap from me.

Javajoetoes

I have been fuming for the last couple of days because , I've had friends not picking up or answering my texts, rain checking visits and I wanted to VENT about their lack of support in my hour of need....................I've clocked up a lot of hours over the years and seeing this is my higher power telling me that its time for me to shut up!!! Starting counselling on Monday and have started back at al anon. Also planning to get a life!!! so I have something to talk about other than my problems.
Also planning to get started on my return to work training.

Sueski

I'm on board with the NT support group. Constantly talking about the AH, and the AH's problems, and how the AH affects me (which we all know is about my theories of how he needs to change), etc., etc., keeps me obsessing about him instead of keeping my focus where I know it ought to be - right on myself.

My new therapist calls me on it, so that's good. I practiced it today with two close friends when they checked in with me - told them all about MY weekend, and asked about theirs. Only incidental mention of my husband. Baby steps, right?

Thanks for starting this thread, nbay!

nbay2013

I saw my friend on Monday evening. She asked about my ex. Since I don't see her often I answered (briefly) and told her of how I need to stop talking about him to friends; that talking about him to friends isn't going to help me feel better faster. And then we went on to other things in life for a couple hours and we had a good time.