PrincessJasmine

Hi. I posted yesterday for the first time. Thanks for your responses. Today has more troubles. Although I feel good: went to church without the shame that usually accompanies a hungover visit to church, I'm scared about what sobriety means for my marriage.
My husband is also a drinker. While he is better at not drinking during the week than I am, he still enjoys and drinks too much on the weekends. This is the first weekend in I have no idea how long that I'm not drinking and I think its making him irritated with me.
All week he kept talking about getting beers on Friday. I told him I wouldn't be joining him this time. I don't think he believed me at all as I've said this kind of thing before only to buy a bottle of wine that very same night. Friday went smoother than expected. Yes, he drank his beers. I didn't have anything and that seemed fine with us both. Yesterday was the big test for me of going out to a restaurant. It was easier than expected and he even just ordered iced tea in order to make it easier on me, I believe. However, when I thanked him for that he let me know that he would be getting some beer on the way home. I said ok. That plan was derailed in part I think when I completely blew up at my son in the car on the way home. DH mentioned to me more than once yesterday about my irritability. Which, yes, I think I'm more irritable than usual. So, he never did get that beer last night I think because he didnt want me to turn my irritability on him. But, I don't think he was happy about it.
Now, today after church, I showed him an email I got from a local wine store/restaurant for a wine and dinner night this week. I showed it to him and told him how that kind of stuff gets to me (because even though I may like to be drunk, there's also another part of me that truly enjoys wine tasting. Just the taste. The experience is even more enhanced when its paired perfectly with food. I truly enjoy these types of events and usually prefer to remain sober during them so I can fully appreciate the complexity of the tastes) so I shared with him my struggle there. He then proceeds to tell me that the new local brewery we were excited about is now open. He THEN says "I'll have to go with (insert his friends name here)". I know he says this to not tempt me into going into a brewery but it just makes me feel isolated and left out. I tell him this. He then tells me with an exasperated tone "listen, I get what you're trying to do but I'm not ready to never drink again. On the weekends I'm still going to want beer!"
I can tell he's not happy with me. I can tell he's worried that my NOT drinking will infringe upon his way of life. I can tell he might be ok with me not drinking as long as I'm always shiny and happy about it rather than moody and irritable. I'm scared that I'll either stay sober and there will be a wedge between us OR that I will fail due to the lack of support in my home.
Anyone else out there who's dealt with similar issues? How did you get past it?

hypochondriac

I have dealt with this sort of things with friends so not as important in a way. But I really feel like everyone is extra sensitive and confused as to how things will work out early on. I think some of my friends had a harder time adjusting to my sobriety than I did! But it will settle down and I am sure it won't drive a wedge between you. Keep at it and I am sure it'll all work out x

jdooner

I am on day 7 too. First congratulations on the week of sobriety. If you journey has been like mine this is a big milestone.

I am going through issues at home too. While different (my wife is an alcoholic that does not want to change or admit her addiction) I understand the difficulty with a spouse that is unwilling to go through this process. I am fortunate to have a friend that has been a guiding light for me. You can't fix others or change them. You have stopped bc like me you have realized your life/path has become unmanageable with alcohol. My only advice is don't worry about how things will change at this moment. Focus on getting well and staying sober. Later in the process these other issues can be dealt with.

My guess is if you husband is like my wife he probably does not believe you are sincere about staying sober. After 60 days or 90 days he will understand this is not fleeting and may choose to join or may choose not too. Either way you will be able to deal with the situation better.

For what is worth from another drunk that has been dry 7 whole days.

pinkdog

Hi Princess, he offered to go with his friend. That's good. Let him. Keep working your plan. A day at a time. You can do it. I'm rooting for you.

Dee74

Getting sober is not only an upheaval for us, it's an upheaval for those we love too....it may be even more difficult for them if they can;t really understand why you're doing what you're doing.

My advice is try as much as you can to focus on your own recovery...you can;t change someone else but who knows you may end up as an influence for them to change if they like the positive changes they see in you.

and on that note...early recovery sucks, but it can suck for everyone around us too.

Think about the things you have to be grateful for - write them down if necessary...it always tended to knock the irrits right out of me

D

firstymer

Day 7 here too, PJ. I have been downplaying (almost hiding) my sobriety from my fiancee, who still drinks. I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it to her in case I fail.

We are going to be spending most of the next week together, starting tonight. I intend to tell what I know now to be true: I can't drink without getting drunk. I can't stop at 1 or 2, or even 6 or 7. She can. I can't. I intend to tell her that, while I will try not to keep her from doing the things she likes to do, including drinking, I have a drinking problem and think I have to stop. Completely. And for good. I hope she can accept that. And I hope your husband will support you, too.

If my fiancee won't support me, I guess I will have to rely even more heavily on all of you here at SR. Good luck.

least

What Dee said. Give yourself time to settle into sobriety. Early days can be rough emotionally. Your husband is trying to get used to the 'new you'. It can be hard for the partner when one person makes a big change. Give him time and love and he may come around.

LadyBug66

I am kind of going thru the same thing. My husband drinks beer everyday but he doesn't get drunk. When I drink, I drink until I pass out. I am on day 24 and he hasn't said anything ... although I think he is just now noticing I haven't been drinking. LoL. He even asked me to go get him some beer a couple of days ago and I did and held strong. I haven't come out and publicly told anyone I have quit yet. The only people I talk to about this is here on SR

PrincessJasmine

Thanks everyone. I talked to him. He admitted he feels like this decision of mine was out of nowhere (it definitely was...it's all news to me too!) and that now he feels like because I made this decision that he can't drink. And that makes him mad. I was honest and said that yes, of course, his drinking around me will absolutely make it harder for me not to. With that being said, I also told him that I'm not asking him to stop nor am I holding him responsible for whether or not I drink. I am in charge of me. The truth is he might be an alcoholic too. But, I'm too new to this to make that judgement call. I hope that like someone here said, I can show such positive changes that it will encourage him to maybe jump on the wagon as well. Either way, you all are right. I should just focus on staying sober myself no matter what he does.
Firstymer-I considered not telling him or downplaying it as I had a feeling it would bother him. But, I'm an open book. I always have been. I'm too talkative and open to keep a major thing like this from him even if it bothers him. Btw-I recognize your name, you're the one who went to the Italian restaurant last night and didnt have wine? Amazing! Good for you! I don't think I've not had wine with Italian food since before I was 21 (except when pregnant of course!) Italian food and wine go together like peanut butter and jelly for me so bravo!

Eleni58

My husband is also a drinker. While he is better at not drinking during the week than I am, he still enjoys and drinks too much on the weekends. ..I can tell he's not happy with me. I can tell he's worried that my NOT drinking will infringe upon his way of life.

I am in the same situation and just posted about it.

PrincessJasmine

Really eleni58? Where? I'd like to read it.

Anna

Jasmine, I think you are focusing way too much on your husband and his drinking plans.

I know it took all my energy focusing on myself in order to get and stay sober. I chose to not talk to my husband about my feelings, moods, etc. He was already upset with me for the havoc my drinking had caused in the family. So, I felt it was my responsibility to get better and be healthy. I had to depend on me to make it work.

Allow your husband the space he needs to live comfortably and know that you can make choices. You can choose to be in a different room when he drinks, or to call someone, or go out for a walk. There are lifestyle changes to be made for sure, but it's worth it.

Bebetter

It sounds like you are both just irritable because of all the change, and it will take some getting used to. My husband drinks everyday (well, I can think of 2 days he hasn't drank since I quit 60+ days ago). At first, it was hard for us to connect - drinking together was something we did every night after the kids went to bed, and it was like our "date" time, when we chatted, planned, sometimes got drunk and goofy and danced. And then, I got sober and those nights went away immediately. I was stressed, irritable, insomniac, and we stopped connecting at all. I knew that I couldn't throw that time away, and that not drinking was not going to stop me from spending that time with my husband. So, we slowly started getting together on the deck again - me with my seltzer and him with his beer. And he slowly started drinking less over time, meeting me somewhere in the middle. And we spend time together every night again - not as much as we used to, because we're actually DOING more things rather than sitting and drinking. But he still drinks, and he still occasionally drinks more than most people would call healthy, but the tough early days are behind us and we're settled into a new pattern.

I guess that's the long way of saying that you guys may find a new pattern too. It took us both some work to meet in the middle, and to recognize that while we share a life, we don't share personal histories, and we each have our own path - but that we continue to choose to merge our paths together.

LadyBlue0527

I can completely identify with this. My husband isn't a big drinker. He can take it or leave it. However, he does have one friend where if he hangs out with him the sum total of the evening is throwing back the beers. I used to drool when I heard the name during the week because I knew we would be going there and that was an acceptable place to get trashed. Within the first two weeks of my quitting he said that he was going to go there but would only be drinking water. He knew that I didn't want to go. However, it didn't matter to me, I felt left out and I knew that he was going where there was going to be drinking. I sucked it up and told him that it was fine. There's that female word for "you're going to pay for this!". He thought about it and decided against going. I appreciate that he did that to support me with the understanding that I needed to be realistic that he eventually would be going there.

I get that we can't expect that other people won't drink and that we must recognize that it's our own problem. However, it helps in early sobriety to have a spouse who will abstain even if it's just for a little while.

Can you find something really fun to do when he goes to the brewery?

PrincessJasmine

I think I just realized, just this second, that at least for a while there's really no way to avoid at least one of us feeling resentful. All day today my hubby was mad at me because he felt like my newfound sobriety was disturbing his right to drink. I didn't want him mad at me and I recognize that I decided to quit without consulting him (we've been heavy drinkers together since the beginning of our relationship 11 years ago) so I recognized that I couldn't really expect him to magically be on board with me. I told him to go ahead and get his beer, that we're all grown-ups here and need to be in charge of our own selves. I said this and really meant it...until he did exactly that. Until just this moment when I feel every one of my tense muscles and I feel every one of my nerves on end this was the precise moment that I heard the first "crack" of him opening his first beer of the evening and I'm flooded with resentment. Like, why can't he be supportive and abstain at least for a little while??? Why do I have to be the bigger person? Does he really care more about that beer than me?? Ugh! Now I know I'm just venting and ranting but these are my feeling right this second. Either he resents me for "keeping" him from drinking or I resent him FOR drinking. I really, really don't know if I can do this alone. In my home I mean. I know there's this awesome online community and I thank you all. It's just, how do you stop when the person you're living with continues?
Sorry. I'm totally venting. I had a diet drink and some sugar. I never drink diet anything (chemicals) and rarely have sugar because I'm such a freak about diet and exercise (I know, ironic isnt it? Its actually one of my motivations for quitting because I'm not reaching my fitness goals due to excessive alcohol) so I think the diet soda and sugar are making me feel weird. I'll just have to hope this passes...SOON preferably! Sorry for the rant.

sherman23

Princess Jasmine, I can totally relate to you. One difference in my situation is that the drinking was causing such major problems in our relationship that we both decided we had to stop. I love wine tasting, and food pairing and don't have to get completely wasted, but that being said, I have been drinking too much for too long. My fiancee however is a "mean" drunk, so it was fun to drink together until it wasn't..until, that one time out of the month he would inevitably go outer space on me. Before we hit bottom though, there were times when I would try not to drink, but he would get beer, or....he would want to stop drinking for a bit, but I would be stubborn and want my wine.....everyone here seems to have great advice, in that, I seem to be hearing that the focus needs to be on you and your commitment to sobriety. It's hard when you have had a pattern of drinking together for so long. I have not been sober long, just 10 days now, and my fiancee since the 13th of last month. We just take it day by day, and keep the lines of communication open. He has told me he feels like he's the one with the problem, and that if I want some wine that is ok if it is outside the home. Sometimes I feel like he is saying this just to test me, but I actually am sick of drinking and want to not only support him, but to try to live life sober and deal with things without a crutch. I have mentioned here before, I have not gone as long as a week without drinking for the last 25 years. Daily drinker. It always was a social thing, but let's get real....it is definitely a pitfall in certain circles. Anyway, I'm rooting for you! I spoke with another friend of mine who is still in contact with an ex friend that I used to always drink with, and she has a child now, still drinking and smoking just as heavily in her 40's. He said she just looks wrecked. You are doing the right thing taking care of yourself emotionally, spiritually and physically. Keep it up!

Bebetter

Princess - do seltzer, maybe with some lime or mixed with just an ounce or two of good juice. Seltzer with some orange slices floating in it is great too. I sometimes do the diet coke thing and it often ends up making me feel really weird, mentally, and it definitely makes me crave more diet soda or sugar. I love my coffee too... I too am really into diet/exercise, and am glad to have said goodbye to all those days in the gym feeling slightly hungover. Can't say I've reached any of my fitness goals since quitting, though, which is a downer...

PrincessJasmine

Thanks Sherman23. Sounds like many similarities. I'm glad you were both able to recognize the problem and now you're in the solution together. Good for you! Awesome! That will make for a much stronger relationship. I'll be looking out for your posts as I'm rooting for you too!
BeBetter-I saw one of your other posts yesterday (can't remember if I responded) but I saw that your diet and fitness goals were important to you too. Isn't it crazy how we can watch what we eat, how much, how often, work out hard at the gym, ten sabotage it all with drinks? You may not be hitting any concrete fitness goals just yet but at 10 days I'm sure you're looking and feeling better. I know for me, the bloating and puffiness is starting to diminish. That in itself is quite a motivator to keep on this track.

Thank you to everyone that has replied. You all helped me get through a rough night. And I can happily report that I made it, woke up sober to day 8, AND hubby said this morning he'll "try this sober thing for a while" so it's a ray of hope.
God bless you all!