milimom5

My husband has been sober for 3.5 years. We have had our ups and downs and many counseling sessions. I am at a fork in the road right now due to his inability to admit when he is wrong. I'm the one who comes to him after fights/arguements EVER SINGLE TIME. He avoids me for days and when he has to interact with me because we have a busy life and three kids, he acts like his blowups should be brushed aside. He goes after me personally that he does everything around here and I am selfish and only think of myself. His communication skills are horrible and have been for years. Even friends of his get confused with his inability to connect and give information.

After an hour long discussion yesterday about how he isn't communicating and expressing his displeasure with my actions in a kind way, he literally did the exact same thing 10 minutes later. It is stupid **** like putting the milk away when I got distracted. He has stepped up like a machine with our three kids and if I falter at all (leave a load of laundry in the dryer, forget to put away the dishes in the dishwasher, he lets it be known how selfish I am and how good a dad he is.... I know he works hard for a living, but this constant need for me to be perfect will end this marriage. He is hurtful even after we have calm discussions about it and it is like there never was some sort of resolution. I am by far not perfect but I try to let things cool off and find him to taik it out. He would let things simmer for weeks. I just don't get the whole Martyr thing and why I let him keep going at my achilles heel, which is whether or not I am a good mom. I am and it is so hurtful. Since counseling I have learned to avoid certain criticisms and let so much go... He cannot do the same. He is ruining our marriage because he always has to be right and never is the one to apologize or talk it out.

I was just wondering even though he is working a program, is this common characteristic or are we just not compatible?

Hammer

The inability to admit that one is wrong, let alone apologize or amend for it, is one of the hallmark signs of some of the Mental Illnesses that go along with Alcoholism and other Addictions.

Not saying that is the case with your A, but it is not uncommon, especially if you are dealing with more than just Alcoholism, with the Mental Illness component hidden below the surface (think of an iceberg). In those cases, the Alcohol is being used to self-medicate the Mental Illness. Think Alcohol is a problem, wait until you see the rest of the iceberg come up.

We are sort of living that. As Mrs. Hammer's dad says of her -- She rarely says Thank You, and NEVER says she is sorry.

honeypig

milimom, I have a question for you: Are YOU working a program?

Alanon might offer you a lot, both as far as coping w/this behavior and as far as deciding whether you want to live this way.

Just something you might want to think about, even though it might not be what you want to hear...

milimom5

What type of mental illnesses go along with alcoholism? I am unaware of the most common. I recently thought about this as being a reason but can't put my finger on it. ADHD is certain. Thanks in advance. I would love to know why after 25 sessions with a marriage counselor he is able to evade her detecting skills. We spend most of the time talking about my faults or how we can heal our marriage. There is no healing when there is criticism.

healthyagain

I guess that's why they call them King Babies. Never wrong, pouting, it is always someone else's fault, then they expect you to be able to read their minds and fulfill their dreams.

I do not have any kids with my AH and I can only imagine how hurtful that must be, being criticized like that.

Hammer

The personality disorder level Mental Illnesses (aka, Cluster B) are the more common

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Speaking specifically towards the combo pack of Addiction + Mental Illness = what is often called Dual Diagnosis (if it is even correctly diagnosed).

Dual Diagnosis: Mental Health America

Dual diagnosis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dual Diagnosis - The Problem

As far as the T stuff . . . . not a lot of sharp tools in that shed, at times.

Addiction T's are not usually the top of the line, and the T's who are the top of the line often do not do addictions.

Some of the Personality Disorder level diagnosis is actively avoided as it nulls insurance claims, as there are no recognized "cures."

pinkdog

Hi mom, I have to wonder about his childhood. Children of alcoholics often become alcoholics too. They also have a need for perfection. He needs counseling to work out his perfection issues and identify where it came from. I don't think it is about you. It's his need to control and have everything perfect. Best wishes to you.

Bubovski

I think the idea of others being wrong (me right) to varying degrees is quite prevalent.
While your husband does come across as a control freak, given the other good features it seems a shame. What fellowship does he belong to?

The books Rational Emotive Therapy by Albert Ellis or Games People Play (Eric Berne) might just help a bit..........if you could get him to read them.

milimom5

@pinkdog- Funny, the perfectionism came after getting sober. It never existed 20 years before. I often think it is his preventive measure so that nobody has time to discover or look at his faults. Since becoming sober his sensitivity is off the roof.

dandylion

Dear milimom5--If he has been steady sober for 3.5yrs and you have been to many counceling sessions with no improvement--then I think you might want to think if this is the way you want to l ive. It does sound like he may have a personality disorder or is at least very neurotic--or possibly narcissistic (especially if he seems to have n o empathy for your feelings)

I feel that constant, unrelenting, put downs erodes one's self-esteem and confidence and can be an actual form of abuse.

I divorced my children's father because of this very thing (not an alcoholic). At a certain point--I just couldn't live with the brow beatings any more.

Not all marriages survive sobriety. When you sober up a horse thief--what you have is a sober horse thief (old AA saying).

You could go to alanon to find out if this is what you want to live with.

This must cause awful tension in the home for your children!

dandylion

AnvilheadII

does it really matter if it's been 3.5 years of him being sober, or he wasn't like this once up a time? how he treats you is abhorrent - you can find more civility on an elevator. to live with this day in and day out squashes YOUR soul...to hear nothing but negativity, to be told everything is your fault. NO ONE should have to hear that kind of crap.........ever.

whatever you choose to do, make sure you put YOUR first....is this good for ME? is this healthy for ME? will this make MY life better?

Dublin

Dear milimum5 I can relate in some respect. RA just 9 months sober but similar behaviour. Never patches up arguments it is always me and arguments frequently about how I didn't wash the dishes or did but did it wrong or left laundry until too late or got the wrong shopping. Things I couldn't care less about not real life issues for me. My parenting another big point of discussion and he made me think I was a bad mum but since alanon and counselling I know now that is not the truth. I was always jealous of those on here who got huge apologies and grovelling, i never got that he was always right and i was wrong. We started couple counselling but I asked him not to come anymore and I see the counsellor alone now and I work on me and building myself up. In the last week there was a massive change. He praised my parenting and admitted to some faults of his own. Huge. Still a long way to go but I love him and I want this to work. I know for a fact that the change in him is because I got stronger and healthier through alanon and counselling. I started these to make him change but along the way it became about me and the change I wanted but his recovery is moving along and I pray we can get to a good place. Wishing you strength and happiness.

Diva76

It sounds like he could be Narcissistic.....
Never taking responsibility for anything and expecting you to be perfect, yet he doesn't hold himself to the same standards...

I'm surprised he hasn't quit going to counseling yet...
I bet the minute the counselor starts pointing out his part in things, he's suddenly not going to be available to attend more sessions...

I'm not sure if this would be appropriate or not, but if I was in your position, I might ask this counselor (in a private conversation) if they have any experience with those who suffer from personality disorders...

If what I am suspecting is correct, then do yourself a HUGE favor and drop him like a bad habit....

I am speaking from experience on this one...
When I first left my Narcissistic ex almost 5 years ago,
I was a shell of a person....
Being around someone like this over an extended period of time will erode your self-esteem and self-worth...

It took years for me to get better and let go of the guy I thought I met and fell in love with...

I thank God that I don't have children with him, so there is no reason for me to ever see his sorry azz again....

Just to add to what Hammer said....
My narcisstic ex abused alcohol for an anxiety disorder, so believe it or not, the alcohol abuse is almost secondary...

The sad thing about Narcissism is many of these personality types don't seek help...after all, why should they? It's everyone else's fault...

Alcoholism is one thing (not that it's any better) but when it comes to personality disorders, believe it or not, it's the lesser of two evils...

As you probably already know, it takes rigorous honesty to kick alcoholism and a Narcissistic Personality simply lacks the ability to be self-reflective and most certainly will not EVER admit fault of any kind...

I can understand how you fell for him though...in the beginning they seem like a godsend and little by little their true character emerges...

It is such an insidious process, you don't even realize it is happening until you end up where you are right now...

Do you find yourself questioning your own judgement?
Doubting yourself more often?
Feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough?

When I finally left him, I would have found solace living in a ditch, then spend another moment in our home that felt more like a prison to me...

I wish nothing but the very best for you...
I realize my post was a bit winded, but the things you mentioned in your post really resonated with me...

Can you tell?!?

Linda

thislonelygirl

Some A's are selfish and un cooporative sober.
Probably the years if drinking frying his brain and hus inability to cope coreectly
Or hes narcissist lol btw
My ah had done the same. Ive heard one too many times that because I left a few things in the sink....or supper wasnt what he wanted or I washed his "clean" clothes that looked dirty and were on the floor im incompetent.
My a however behaves like that actively using and not so much sober but my take is that hes just nit mentally sober which isnt the same as being physically.
Hes not willing to see his Po art abd thats a s b ane.
I dont blame you fir being fed up. I would be too

pinkdog

Hi mom, I guess that means he is what they call a "dry drunk". Someone who doesn't drink but is not happy about it. Have you heard that phrase? I think he needs counseling and I'll be curious to know what they say. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

dandylion

milimom, I would l ike to say that I underline every word that Diva said. That was what it was like for me living with the children's father. When I left that marriage--I felt like I had walked out of a top security prison--and I have never regretted the decision. I haven't talked to him in a couple of decades--but, I am told (by the kids) that he has not changed one little bit!!! Trust me--they don't have to be an alcoholic to be miserable to live with.

I tried the marriage counseling route. He dropped out as soon as the counselor suggested that he might be part of the problem. I continued for an additional year with the counselor. The counselor finally said: "He is never going to change".

All that I am saying is: It may not be the alcohol--especially after 3.5 yrs. sober and working a program.

dandylion