Risgard

Thought I would give this site a shot and see what you think. I am home right now after leaving my wife at our lake house yesterday after she lied to me about drinking. I went to Home Depot for some things, came home and noticed she was clearly intoxicated. Knowing this is a sensitive issue for us, I treaded lightly but was trying to look around for evidence that she had been drinking. I could find none but I noticed a bottle of wine missing (I had just stocked up the day before for our Labor Day retreat). I could find no sign of it, when I took out the trash I noticed the empty bottle. When I came back in I asked her what she had to drink, she stood there paralyzed just staring at me. She started to lie and then attack me for questioning her. I asked why she felt she had to hide and lie about it she became furious, telling me because I am always watching her and judging her.
I should clarify a little here - it's the weekend, if I had come home and she had been sipping on a glass of wine I would have thought nothing of it, it's kind of what we do at the lake. But she was acting so strangely and then lying about it and then attacking me about irrelevant issues, sidetracking the main issue of the drinking and lying. Anyway, I could tell her level of intoxication was such that I was going to get nowhere with her so I left. All last night she has been sending me very mean and nasty text messages, "Like it or leave it!!!!", "You don't support me" and criticizing some landscaping I had done at the lake to improve the look of things. AAAaaarrrgh! I don't know what to do. She won't acknowledge this, she knows she has issues and has asked for my help, then I make a comment and she attacks me and derails the conversation. I could go on but I don't want to bore you. Help!

dandylion

Risgard, you know, of course that if you already knew she was drinking, there was no point in asking. If you put an acoholic who has been drinking on the spot--they have no other logical choice but to lie. Denial is the hallmark of this disease---the denial is a lie to themselves so that they can keep on drinking (logical). They are lying to themselves--as well as you because they have a disease and they can't control the powerful compulsion to drink. If they could--they wouldn't be an alcoholic.

Blame shifting onto you to take the spotlight off of her drinking is typical---anything to keep the focus away from the drinking. Anyone or anything that comes between the alcoholic and the drink is viewed as the enemy--and will be treated as such.

Tough, I know.

dandylion

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Risgard. Hope you find this as helpful and supportive a place as I have. Take some time and do as much reading as you can here, and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. You need to understand alcoholism and what alcoholics do, or you'll be butting your head against a wall. Expecting logical behavior and honesty from an active A is going to be fruitless.

Please consider getting to an Alanon meeting sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find one: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Sorry for what you're going thru, but you are not alone, and the folks at Alanon as well as here at SR have stood in your shoes. Educate yourself, listen to what others have to say, and you'll gradually see which way to go.

Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity going forward.

AnvilheadII

stocking the place with wine when she has prior to said she has a problem and needs help, and YOU think she has a problem with drinking it kinda counterproductive. you left her home alone with a bunch of wine....she drank it. no surprise. she tried to hide it. no surprise. when confronted she denied it. no surprise.

she can't SIP and enjoy A glass of wine anymore. she won't be able to go back to that. her only solution is to NOT drink, period.

soberhawk

I understand the psychology behind lying and attacking others to hide your weaknesses, but it is not acceptable.

Risgard you are behaving rational here – it is the response that is unacceptable.

And in reality indicates a lot of denial on her part.

What if she is confronted by this as sober, what is the reaction?

Hammer

Risgard . . . yeah . . . please do not feed the drunks.

Other fun things to do at the lake on Holiday weekends . . . other than argue with a drunk, that is.

1. Drink a bunch of beer, yourself, lay on your back on the dock, and see how high you can pee in the air.

2. Argue with a drunk. Whoops, we took that one OFF the list.

3. Hang your head off the dock, sticking your head underwater, and try to figure out how many motorboats you can hear. Best done after drinking all the beer in #1, above.

4. Argue with a drunk. Nope, still OFF the list.

5. Shoot the flare gun at your neighbor's dock. You will at least have beer excuse from #1.

6. Argue with a drunk. Let's just stop the list here.

Point is you can have LOTS of fun at the lake . . . without . . . arguing with a drunk.

Risgard

Thanks so much - yes, I knew she drinks and drinks a lot. She knows it too, there have been rare moments when she has acknowledged it, in fact she has at times asked for my help i.e., "When I say I this is all I will drink tonight, don't let me have any more". Of course this is just setting me up for another attack.
At any rate, THANK YOU for the response, you totally get what I was trying to say, glad to be able to get this off my shoulders to someone who not only listens but understands!!

Risgard

Thank you. Yes, I guess the way things stay calm around here is to go out to the lake, relax, have a drink (or two or three) and enjoy each others' company. We both know she drinks and drinks too much so I don't understand why she has to hide it when we both know. If I had come home with her drinking a glass of wine, I wouldn't have thought anything about it, I got myself a drink myself when I walked in the door. No big deal. I would have thought a whole bottle in an hour was a little excessive but I have gotten used to that.
She says I am always watching her and judging her. I probably am watching because I know it's an issue but I try not to judge, at any rate - she feels judged so I guess that is important to know.
Here's the $10K question: "How do I not watch or count what she has been drinking"? If I don't, who does?

Risgard

Thank you for taking the time to respond. When she is sober, she is often rational and acknowledges the problem and even wants to take steps to get better, for example:
1) "Lets not drink during the week, just on the weekends" I agree and I try to support her and even discuss the health benefits and money savings to take the pressure off of her "problem". This usually only works through Tuesday and she is stressed out and wants (and purchases) wine. To be fair though, I don't try and stop her. Half the time I feel like I could use a drink too - lets face it, I would prefer relaxing with her in a calm mood after a drink than enduring her bad moods each night because she doesn't have a drink, the other half of the time I am afraid that staying strong and not "letting" her buy anything will incur the wrath again...kind of a catch 22;
2) She found an AA meeting locally and I went with her, we were not impressed (this is a complete different discussion but I felt like it was mostly a place to complain and not get answers - but that was just my first and only visit - I realize these meetings are a vital link and lifeline to many - I intend on exploring this avenue more).
3) She is reading several books, "Controlling you Drinking; Alcoholics Anonymous (about the 12 steps); and The Cure for Alcoholism".
I guess this shows that when sober - she knows there's a problem but not sure she would classify herself as an alcoholic.
What really bothers me about her drinking is the hiding incident and then the attacks when I confront her. Then another issue is when she drinks there is no "off" button and sometimes she gets ridiculously silly. I hope I gave enough info here, seems like it's just flowing out of me now that i have someone to listen. THANK YOU

lorelei

She's hiding it, and probably has done for a while, because she needs a drink, she's ill. For me, if there is a drop of drink in the house it will trigger non stop drinking. She wants to stop, she knows she has a problem, but then shes being enabled to carry on by you, ultimately tho it has to come from her, she has to want it enough to stop completely, if theres no off switch there can be no on one, so just drinking at weekends is impossible if she can't stop at 1 or 2...

Risgard

Hammer - thanks for the comedic relief. Yes - tons of stuff to do there, ski; Waverunner; boat cruising; fishing; relaxing... the point here is that just going to the lake without alcohol or recommending we don't bring alcohol starts a fight. I would rather stay home (where I am now) and leave her to enjoy herself alone. Funny thing is, after I left - all of a sudden amidst the ugly attacks she texted to me she accused me of running away from the issue, cowardly. Bottom line here is that I may be a coward but I seriously don't know how to confront her or have a logical discussion after she is drunk. Kind of like debating philosophy with a 1st grader (although at least a 1st grader would make some sense.

Risgard

Yes, I often feel like an enabler. I probably am - just seems easier than fighting all the time, especially with a teenager at home. I am finding that you are right, drinking on just weekends is impossible. She hasn't really made it past Monday or Tuesday.

lorelei

It doesn't mean its your fault, but if she knows you wont disagree with having drink in the home, it means she knows she can carry on, even if deep down she does want too, is it something you can talk calmly about?

Risgard

Yes, we always have that conversation - like slowing down, no drink during the week, etc. Never seems to last though, when she is not drinking she is usually upset and frustrated at everyone and everything, although she would say I am overreacting.

lorelei

Quite often, being upset and frustrated then throwing accusations comes from her (most prob) feeling so out of control, I can only speak from my experience, but if someone questioned my drinking all my defense mechanism s would go up and it would be battle time, it may well be she just isn't ready to give up, not yet, she needs to know you would be able to support her if she chose to be sober. Unfortunately its a tough journey, but if you can do it together you'll be stronger for it.