Self Preservation

Old 08-31-2013, 07:33 AM
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Self Preservation

Dear all-

This is something I am working out/on so bear with me. Sorry this is long.

Overall life has been pretty good in the last four months especially. I got out of a toxic job and into work that I love. I have a routine that I am comfortable with and a lot of my recovery from my own addiction (eating disorder), and living with a loved one with the disease of addiction (alcohol) is starting to be part of that routine.

The last few weeks have been hard emtionally. Nothing out of wack in my outside environment so it has made me look pretty hard inside.

I had a therapy session yesterday where it all kind of came together for me.

As life has calmed down around me, and a lot of the toxic behaviors of others have been removed from my life I am starting to realize how much of my life is a knee jerk reactions to what another person thinks of me, especially when they don't want to think of him/herself.

A person is behaving inappropriately. I try all sorts of contortions to make it OKAY for them. It might not have anything to do with me but I do this anyway. Their behavior, words, emotions etc do not improve. I try harder.

The worst part of this I am coming to realize though is the part seperate from the behaviors, but it is how I feel about them and how I feel about myself.

I am SO afraid of inappropriately judging another person that even though their behavior is wildly off base I decide it is my fault and judge myself instead. I am like an elastic band, I stretch myself for others, but then end up snapping back on myself.

I realized in my session yesterday that I learned to do this when I was a kid. I also learned that though as an adult it can be manipulative, controlling, and judgemental, it did not start out that way.

It started out as a way to keep myself safe. It was self-preservation. It started out as a way to keep myself in touch with my family, to not see the chaos that enveloped us. It started out as a way to stay connected to those around me given the task of taking care of me.

I actually stood up in my session in the corner of the room, in what felt like a way I did it as a kid, watching all the nutty stuff going on around me. Hyperalert, paying attention to the shifty moods. I also visualed in the corner wearing a backpack chock full of rocks with ALL the times I have taken stuff of someone else on (thanks to that post a few weeks ago)

This has caused a lot of havoc in my adult life, this way of being.

It was a pretty smart thing to do as a little kid though, and a pretty smart way to stay "safe." I don't do this because I am bad, stupid, unable to change etc. I do it because at some point it saved my life.

I am writing this for myself. Through the tears as I write this though I am realizing I am also putting it down to encourage ALL of us that keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....that change is possible. Also with a little perspective there is probably a darn good reason why we are doing what we do. I feel like I have known about what I do for years, but today I get a chance to change it in a way I could not have before.

I am so grateful for the gift of recovery. Thanks for letting me put this down.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:58 AM
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Sounds like you accomplished a lot a lot in therapy. That's awesome!
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:09 AM
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Thank you!
My honor to read this.
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:43 AM
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This meant a lot to me. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 08-31-2013, 11:00 AM
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P.S. I think I will get a chance to do the amends I need to do around my behavior now...in a way I could not have previously.
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Old 08-31-2013, 12:16 PM
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Simply beautiful, thank you SO much for taking the time to share these thoughts!
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