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Old 08-31-2013, 07:00 AM
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I am back

So, I have failed again at staying sober. Back to drinking a bottle of wine at a time, though not daily. Really seeing how I have no control once I start, even if I tell myself it will be just a glass or two. I need to be sober for my health. The drinking is not overwhelming my life outwardly, but destroying me inwardly. Thinking about it all the time and wanting to drink, not wanting to drink, trying not to drink, because I just know I am healthier without it.

The struggle I need to overcome is living with a drinker and socializing with drinkers and a drinking extended family. I want to be sober, and wish we could do it together. he will never give up drinking beer. I do notice he cuts down if I do, and he ramps up when I am back to drinking as well. I feel like if I were in a bubble, I could do it.

Anyway, I realize I need support. A place to come when I am craving a drink where you all can talk me out of it in the moment. I really enjoy drinking wine, but I do not feel well when I do. I wake in the night and get insomnia and anxiety, and the racing heart. And I cannot stop at 2 glasses, which would take care of that. My problem is when I "quit" i think i always have a thought in my head that it is for awhile, not forever.

I need to get to it being forever.

Anyway, I thought about registering a new name, but figured I am being more honest with everyone and myself coming here as my original user name. Here is my walk of shame.

Last night, I had about a bottle and a half of wine, and eventually dumped out the last glass, knowing I had too much and would have a restless night. I actually feel okay this morning. Just a bit tired. Guess I will jump start the September group tomorrow, or if it is up and running today.

I have actually been on a healthy eating kick, and this seems like a good time to take the next natural step. I have lost a few pounds, given up brains, especially wheat, and feel good. Last night was a binge, wine *and* potato chips! Bleh! But they are grain free, lol.

Hoping to run into some old friends and get some love and support.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:06 AM
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Great to see you back. Most of the posts I have read lately reinforce the idea of staying in the "now". I will not drink now. Forever is a big thought and it may be best to let go of that thought for today. I look forward to sharing this journey with you!
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:09 AM
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It isn't about the number of times we fall, but the number of times we get back up. Welcome back!
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:12 AM
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Hi rochelle, welcome back. I understand everything you are feeling. I think everyone who wants to quit does. Maybe you can find some non-drinkers to socialize with for awhile until you feel stronger. Forever is impossible to imagine. Take it a day at a time. We are rooting for you. It's great not to feel sick. Best wishes and hugs.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:13 AM
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I want to cry after typing all that out. Cry, because I do not *want* to stop drinking. That is my struggle. I really need to find a way to want it, and to reconcile that and feel happy and new about it.

I can get through a month or two at times, even as much as 4-5, once, and my pregnancies, etc... but always knowing I will celebrate that with a glass of wine in the end. I usually rally up some strength when I know I have a check up or bloodwork to do for my cholesterol and diabetes, or for my liver panel. I need to find a different motivation. Something that does not have an end, where I feel like I deserve something. Or maybe I need a new reward.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:22 AM
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I want to cry after typing all that out. Cry, because I do not *want* to stop drinking. That is my struggle. I really need to find a way to want it, and to reconcile that and feel happy and new about it.



I know that it took a lot for you to type that and I applaud your sincere honesty. I think that most of us, at least I, didn't truly "want" to stop drinking. I knew I had to though. All roads led back to the same place when attempting to drink. Repeating the same old crap over and over again but still tipping that can/glass to my mouth. I got sick and tired of trying to prove that I could manage.

Something that does not have an end, where I feel like I deserve something.
Alcohol is a great reward isn't it? That was me too. I made it through the week, got all the housework done, no responsibilities left. I DESERVE it!

I know that there's no way that I can prove this to you but sobriety will become a reward. That's really hard to see in the beginning.

There is no walk of shame on this board, just a lot of people trying to find their way just like you are and who understand exactly where you're coming from.

I'm so glad that you decided to come back, that's what important.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:22 AM
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Finding sober friends is a problem. It is not like I hang with a bunch of lushes, but all of our friends do drink, and every gathering offers a glass or two of wine, or more. There are some groups of friends that are more challenging than others. Family gatherings with dh's family involve a lot of drinking.

Hubby is a problem. Once, when he knew i was trying to be sober and had been for most of 4 months, but for one party and Christmas, he works it out that we all go on a brewery tour with free samples on a vacation. Ugh. And he always wants to go to a brew pub in a new area of vacations. He veils his drinking(which I think is too much and a dependency) under the guise of enjoying beer as a "hobby."

I cannot ask him to stop for me. He just won't. He just avoids me when he does drink, if I come out with my plan. Stay on the computer in the basement all night, and I am isolated. When i am successfully sober, I really dislike his drinking. Weeknights are typically 2 beers(but more often 3 of late, since I had increased my consumption), but weekends he will down 6-8 beers. I need to just fix the guest room and go there on those nights. No anger, no fight, no demands, but just make a safe place for me to sleep well and enjoy my sobriety on those nights where he is grossing me out with his drinking.

I need new plans for dealing with it all, basically. The old anger and frustration does not work.

Sorry to just dump it all out. I need to talk myself into this!
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:30 AM
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I picked a great weekend to challenge myself, huh? Hubby will be drinking every night, like 6 beers minimum this weekend.

But I just cannot keep polluting my body. Others who knew me before know i had initially had a stretch of sobriety after getting diagnosed with diabetes and quite a liver health scare. I was fat, diabetic, cholesterol issues, liver fibrosis from all of that and from the drinking too.

I have maintained a 50 pound weight loss and controlled my diabetes with good eating and exercise(I am slacking on the exercise due to the drinking making me tired many days).

A few weeks ago, I began a new eating plan, giving up wheat and grains and am feeling pretty good and lost a few pounds. So, I feel more motivated to do this to step up my healthy streak. I do feel the rewards of that, so hopefully, I will feel even better without drinking. Obviously I will!

My struggle lately is getting through the evenings, especially weekends evenings. I can go a few days, even all week(rare these days), but then the weekend is reward time. If I open a bottle, I empty it. No matter home much I say I will stop. And we all know that song.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:35 AM
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My thinking was very much like yours just the other day! So I Goggled "stages of readiness" and found that I HAD to get out of the contemplation stage so that my action stage could have a chance at success. I wrote down a list of the reasons I wanted to quit, and that list was FINALLY greater than the list of reasons I wanted to keep drinking my wine. I keep the list in my wallet.

You can do this! You can find ways to work around all obstacles...including hubby's behavior...

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Old 08-31-2013, 07:40 AM
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Hi Rochele. Welcome back.

You seem to be struggling...not sure if you want to stop....need a reward...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts right now so honestly.

There are physical and tangible rewards you can set for yourself, but the reality is, what do you want to achieve?

I think it's the thought of forever and society's acceptance of drinking that put additional pressures on us.

Maybe you could take it to its simplest form. You don't like drinking anymore and today you want to be the healthiest you possible. You say you are eating healthy, now seems like a good time to cut out the unnecessary calories of alcohol and the terrible sleep disturbances it gives you. To be honest...if you aren't sleeping properly, then your body isn't renewing itself properly anyway, so eating healthy is kind of being cancelled out by drinking. Not to mention interfering with your absorption of food.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:49 AM
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Going to make a list.

Croissant, I am absolutely struggling. But, I have thought about the health aspect. How strong I have been in so many other ways for my health, and that is is rewarding. So, I am trying to tap into that feeling for strength in this next hurdle.

Being sober will give me better sleep, after a few days, as I know I will be restless for a few nights. It will give me more energy to exercise and to cook better meals. That is my focus.
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by rochele View Post
Going to make a list.

Croissant, I am absolutely struggling. But, I have thought about the health aspect. How strong I have been in so many other ways for my health, and that is is rewarding. So, I am trying to tap into that feeling for strength in this next hurdle.

Being sober will give me better sleep, after a few days, as I know I will be restless for a few nights. It will give me more energy to exercise and to cook better meals. That is my focus.
Yes, sorry, I didn't see some of your other posts til after I posted mine. My suggestion was more about trying to be gentle to yourself and simplify your choice not to drink as a start. Ie, 'I want to be healthy today, so I won't drink', rather than overwhelming yourself.

It's tough with so many external influences around you. You have support here and everyone wants you to find that happiness without drinking.

Hugs.xx
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:03 AM
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I could totally have written your entire post! You are not alone. I'll be joining the September group with you. So glad to see you here today.
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:28 AM
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Haha! Reading back my first post and too late to edit it.

I have not given up "brains", but have given up grains, lol.

I have diabetes, and control it with diet. Read a book called Wheat Belly and decided to try giving up wheat and most grains. It makes eating low carb easier, really, and that is good for managing blood sugar.

Anyway, I have had to re-invent myself after having to give up my old way of eating, so I am always trying new, healthy ways of eating and cooking, to keep my love of food and cooking alive in a new way.

Just a little bit about a good side of me! We are not all just about the booze, right?
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Old 08-31-2013, 08:41 AM
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Hi Rochele,

Sorry you are struggling, but I totally understand. I didn't *want* to stop drinking either. I was/am mad that others can do what I cannot. But, I quit looking at it as something I want versus something I need.

I may not WANT to quit drinking but I NEED to quit drinking
I may not WANT to look for a new job (im unemployed atm) but I NEED a job
I may not WANT to pay my bills but I NEED to pay my bills.

There are some things in life you need to do, even if you don't want to. I'm sure there are plenty of examples in your own life you can and do apply that to daily.

For me, drinking became one of needs rather than wants. I may not have wanted to, but I certainly needed to, quit drinking.

Today I've got a family cookout, lots of beer and booze will be around, I may want it, but I don't need it, and won't have any. Luckily, my family doesn't pressure. There are non drinkers among them. Few, but some.
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Old 08-31-2013, 09:12 AM
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Rochele, I LOVE William Davis, the author of Wheat Belly. He has an amazing blog called the Heart Scan blog, which was his primary thing before Wheat Belly. Have you seen it? I follow a lot of it and it has changed my life. tell me about going grain free. I have similar health issues to you, so health is also a big motivator to me.
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Old 08-31-2013, 05:04 PM
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Renarde, I changed up my diet a few weeks ago, but was already lower on the carb consumption. But, like with the drinking, I fail at times. But, I have given up wheat for now, and most grain, but for some gluten free crackers and quinoa I have only modest amounts. I think I feel better. I should not have felt as good as I did today, after drinking last night, frankly. I think I have had more energy. They say it is similar to kicking addiction, and you can get the brain fog, and all of it. I was a grouch for a good week.

Here we go again! Now I will have a grouchy week from giving up my wine. My poor kids! Getting grumpy now, because I want a drink. Hubby is 3 beers in. And a cold brew would taste good in the absence of any wine in the house. But not going to do it. I have lost a few pounds the last weeks and beer will only ruin that, and not good for my blood sugar. I have a good book I have been reading and new Amazon Prime membership with movies and TV series. will find stuff to keep me busy.
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Old 08-31-2013, 05:06 PM
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Welcome back Rochele

D
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Old 08-31-2013, 06:14 PM
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it's not about drinking too much, it's about being able to stay stopped. no shame in this.

alcohol was my solution until I found a new one.

Glad you are back!
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Old 08-31-2013, 06:41 PM
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Glad to see you again Rochele! I'm happy you wanted to come here to talk it over. Never give up trying for a better and healthier life.
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