love4menotu

Writing this morning to ask if any of you have tried using another relationship to fill the void left by an abusive relationship?

My therapist warns me to stay away from new relationships for at least a year before dating again.

Stbx had some wonderful qualities, but had anger issues that he just refused to acknowledge and never will. The blame game... blame others for everything wrong in his life. Really, just a small, frightened little boy on the inside. Although I understand why stbxh does what he does, it does not excuse the abuse that took place. And I know that the cycle will continue for his next relationship, and the next and the next. Maybe someday he will get some help, I just don't know. It's not my place anymore to hope that he gets well... it's all on him.

I've never had a relationship just to fill a void within myself before. And perhaps I'm just trying to get through the pain of what my stbxh did to me and the kids.

He's still blaming me for everything, not taking any responsibility for what he has done. I however, have reached deep inside to figure out my part in the demise of this relationship and am in therapy. I find myself taking on the emotional burden for both HIM and ME. Which is ridiculous when your partner is abusive and wants to hurt you with every move he makes. I am finding it harder and harder to feel sorry for stbxh, as I begin to see him more clearly, the more distance and time I have away from him.

Therapist says that the abuse I endured was only going to get worse.. that over time the stbxh would have stepped up the verbal and emotional abuse in order to get me to be / do what he wanted. That I would never have been happy in that relationship, I would never have been able to be me and be loved for just being me.

The reason I'm asking this question is that there is someone who wants to be with me and is not willing to wait. He wants it now, and I keep putting him off. I don't want to use him, I don't think that's fair... but he says it's ok. But is it ok when you love someone else and are still working on healing and mending a broken heart? Is it forcing the "moving on" process... does it delay the real work I need to do on the inside? To figure out why I still love someone who was abusive to me?

I think I've answered my own questions here. But thanks for letting me get this out. The gentleman who wishes to date me cannot understand where I am at right now. And I can't share it with him, because it is too painful, ugly and private.

Tuffgirl

No "gentlemen" will push you into something you have stated you are not ready for. No "gentlemen" would say he is ok with being "used". This guy is an a$$clown. I'd hit the eject button, and fast, if I were you.

I agree that you need some time to figure yourself out - because from just the few things you've said here above, it sounds like a pattern repeating itself.

Believe me - the journey to your own self discovery will be worth it.

lillamy

I think apart from everything else, a person who comes on very strongly (wants to be with you NOW, isn't willing to wait) has a behavior that would raise lots and lots of red flags for me.

One risk you run by heading into a new relationship immediately is that you'll end up in one that's just like the one you left.

Saying "if you want to be with me, it's got to be NOW, I'm not willing to wait until you are healthy and balanced" is manipulative and controlling. And the fact that you're even considering a relationship with that person shows that you're not ready for it.

A healthy person's r reaction to that kind of pressure would be "OK. See ya!"

If this person loved you, he would want you to be happy and healthy and choose him under those circumstances. It sounds to me like he would prefer that you're off balance and unhealthy because... Maybe he knows you wouldn't choose him if you were healthy and balanced in your thinking & emotions?

And I'm saying that with a lot of love because I've been where you are.

new beginnings

I'm sorry for your pain. IMO you did answer your own question. In my own experience, I went from one abusive man to a worse one. I didn't take the time to heal my codependence. I would give anything to do that!
From your statement that this man is refusing to wait and doesn't know what you have been through. It doesn't matter to someone else what your reason is. If he was a kind person and if this was a healthy prospect, he would wait and he would respect your need to take time. Please walk away from this person. Go exercise or do something you were not able to do for yourself while you were with stbxh. Take this time and have a relationship with yourself!!! You are worth getting to know and worth remembering why you are worth loving and worth waiting for. Any man that puts any kind of pressure on you is no kind of man. Please get away from him. I would hate to see you end up where I am!

love4menotu

Oh thank you all so much for replying.

I am feeling pressured. I was so sure that I would never be in another relationship or have anyone attracted to me again that I was somewhat dumbfounded that this man was interested. I don't put out any signals... I am so focused on healing that I barely communicate with others besides my trusted circle. My parents, my friends, and my wonderful children.

This man does know what I've been through the last few months... and he's been going through something similar so we talked through a few of our most painful realizations about our ex's. I felt at the time that he was a friend.

I'm going to try harder to focus on me, the last thing I want is another relationship right now. My kids need me, I've been painting the inside of the house room by room, playing with my puppies and registering for classes at the local university. My oldest son has just started college and it is so wonderful to see him really engaging in life, I learn a lot from him.

Deep down I can tell you folks that I know how easy it is for my stbxh to move on. He has no problem shutting down / ignoring things that he feels. He's probably already out there dating the next one. And I compare my healing to his, I suppose.

Why can't I have the blessed ability to ignore what I feel on the inside? Or to feel completely empty... as I know he does.

I am just taking it day by day. Trying to work through the pain and figure out why I fell in love and married a man with a serious personality disorder. Thank goodness for my therapist... she brings me around to reality very quickly and won't let me think for one moment that I could have saved the relationship.

It takes two people to do that... and he was not willing to stop raging.

Hugs,

Lyn

DreamsofSerenity

I agree with the others about the red flags. Trying to move on by entering a new relationship is one thing, doing it with a control freak is another. I can't see how it would do anything for you but cause you pain. IMO, he is already disrespecting you by pressuring you and telling you it's now or nothing. If he cared about you for the right reasons, he's be okay with a friendship.

Be kind to yourself. Your ex is moving on so easily because he is hiding from his feelings. Actually experiencing your feelings, and taking your time to heal is going to serve you in the long run.



HUGS

love4menotu

Oh my word. He just suggested that we "use" each other to heal faster.

What is wrong with people. I swear I am going to go through this next year with blinders on and not talk to anyone of the male species.

Dreams of serenity... how is it possible to hide from feelings. How do they do it?

Ugh.

DreamsofSerenity

I think they do it in new relationships or substances, just like this new guy is proposing you do. It works temporarily until everything you are running from starts to eat you from the inside. I used to hide from all my pain by seeking out abusive relationships--I've got some experience with this.

I can't believe he said you two should "use" each other. Well, you have to give him some credit for being upfront and honest. He could have tried to manipulate you by pretending it was a serious love affair. He's still shrouded in red flags though.

spiderqueen

Hi Love;
Speaking from experience, another reason to avoid the re-bound thing is that even if the guy is nice and sweet and attentive - not controlling or abusive or addicted - it might not work out. Then you've gotten your hopes up, you are all re-invested in someone else and their happiness, and once again, you are left with YOU.

I agree with the others that taking a healing break, and re-discovering yourself and your passions is much healthier - AND, with luck, you will meet the next guy while doing something you both love (think book group, hiking club, community work, etc.).

My heart goes out to you this morning!
SQ

love4menotu

DreamsofSerenity and spiderqueen...

Yes, my friend is nothing if not honest, which is why I like him. No love there. Not really sure I can even do that again.

What I really want is to be happy and whole again. Not fix anyone, not try to help anyone, not twist myself around trying to make everybody else happy but myself.

That's what leads me to these bad relationships, and lose who I am.

Baby steps forward....

healthyagain

Using a relationship to fill the void is a very wrong thing to do. I've seen other people doing it and I have seen them fail, many many times. And think about it, it is kinda "normal" thing to feel: I need love, I need attention, I need care, I need intimacy. My loved one does not give me any of those. So, to satisfy this urge, people start new relationships. They think it is an easy way out. The thing is, if you are messed up inside for any reason and do not fix yourself and heal first, there is a gigantic chance that you will attract another "messed up" person. And the urge is very very hard to resist sometimes.

So, I am with your therapist on this one. Your happiness is hidden somewhere within you and waiting for you to find it.

DesertEyes

Been there, done that. In my first months in al-anon I met a wonderfuly lady, who was going thru a divorce just like me. Our "story" was almost identical. We were both hurt, lonely and lost. _Everybody_ told us to take at least one year before "scratching" on that "wound" of relationships. We fell "madly in love" anyway, which is the un-treated codie definition of "rebound"

It was a mess. The good news is we were both in recovery up to our eyeballs, had solid support groups around us and were completely aware of how blind we were. It really hurt way more to try and keep that rebound going than it would to follow directions and heal.

After we broke up.... for the last time.... we spent some effort re-building our _friendship_. Today we are best of friends, but we came very close to causing serious emotional hurt to each other. The slogan I have heard on the subject is "You cannot heal a relationship with another relationship".

Mike

fluffyflea

You have just answered your own questions.

If he REALLY cared for you he would be willing to wait and not be pushing you. He would just be a friend to you.

The reason it is a good idea to wait is it gives us a chance to heal and make better choices for ourselves,otherwise we end up right back in the same mess as before.

love4menotu

I wonder who I would be if I did not need validation from others that I exist and am a worthwhile human being.

And I wonder if it is right for me to say this out loud.

But I do think this is at the core of everything that had led me down this path for the last two years.

honeypig

Wow, I think this is a huge realization for you, love4menotu!

Totally it is right for you to say it out loud. It sounds REAL, or at least to me it sure does.

LifeRecovery

A saying that one of the writer has on her sign list is

Dating is NOT a treatment modality. I love that. I have to repeat it to myself sometimes to stay centered.

Diva76

Thank you for sharing so honestly with us....
From what you're describing, I agree 100% with your therapist that entering another relationship right now, would NOT be in your best interest.....

Already, this "gentlemen" is not considering you or your needs...and,if your need at this time is not to be involved romantically with anyone, then he would respect that and leave you be until you're in a healthier place...

I suspect as you continue working on yourself, you will be in a much better position to recognize and steer clear from any person who disregards your boundaries....

I think if you "give in" and go out with him, you are basically telling him, "I don't honor my own boundaries, so why should you?"

As I began improving the boundaries I set with myself and others, I started paying closer attention to those who kept "pressing the issue" and those who simply replied, ok, I understand....

I see it this way, any person who disregards someone else's boundary is far too self-absorbed to care about any one else but themselves....

I would think you have had ENOUGH of that given you are in the process of dissolving a relationship with an active alcoholic....

Peace to you....


Linda

P.S. I think many of us have been "guilty" of hooking up with another person to fill the void...I've done it myself and I have also been on the receiving end of this, as well.....
It usually never works out because neither person is truly present and in the end, you're not really over the thing you tried to push away with the new person and in short, it all ends up being one hot mess.....

In other words, Don't do it!

ZenMe

Love4menotu

A lot of people on here, me included have debated this very thing. I think it's safe to say we totally get you and this is a place where you can share anything.

I'm a guy btw, nothing good can come of you trying to distract yourself with a guy who has already shown you a HUGE red flag. This is (as I like to call them) a life defining moment where you say "hell no, i'm breaking the cycle", you read the red flag and act on it appropriately.

Obviously even if there was a nice guy like previously mentioned before, still not a good idea.

Quite a few of us have had our X's go off on start dating immediately (or already were...) and become involved with a new partner. Yes it's totally annoying that they don't have to suffer the pain and loss that we go through. I mean how could they do that to us when we are so distraught and heartbroken? Easy cause they have some real issues going on, alcohol or otherwise. They are the ones who are suffering and unfortunately will continue to suffer if they don't turn it around.

I miss my xagf, the pain hurts, the sadness hurts but instead of picking a new relationship(as a new drug), starting to drink, overeat, etc. I'm working on feeling my feelings, owning my sadness, feeling it, and letting it go and moving on to becoming a healthier person. A plus is later I will attract healthy people =). Let's be real for a sec, there will be other guys, the entire scarcity thing "no one will ever love me again, there aren't any guys left, i'm not good enough..." is our unhealthy voice talking, let's look at the FACTS, you've met guys, it will happen, but what kind do you want later? and will you be in a position where it will work?

All the best and keep coming back.

fourmaggie

I agree with with someone who said this is a RED FLAG....
use your gut....

fluffyflea

Good question! You are making progress.