I am to Blame!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
I am to Blame!
The perfect day spent with my son went to hell as soon as my AH came home. He prances in the house and greets me with his typical song... " Hi Honey I'm HOME"! It was no surprise that he had been drinking.. I would not expect anything less. I was determined that tonight would end as peaceful as it started. I give him a hug and we start to chat about our day as he chugs his 20 oz malt beer. As long as I don't nag on him for his massive consumption I am sure to be able to have a restful night sleep right? WRONG!! He starts to bring up my nagging from a week ago.. He goes right in to defense mode.. even though I am not feeding into this negative turn to our conversation. I am just listening and trying hard to just validate his feelings... It just keeps getting more negative. I try to redirect the conversation... "We are both hurting in very different ways" I said. Well... That was the wrong thing to say... He goes on and says "My life is just too BIG for you". HUH? What exactly does that mean? I ask. He says that his life is just very busy... and he tells me how he gets up for work every morning at 3 am and works hard all day. (He says this to me almost every day) "I know you do" I said.. "We both do".... He continues and says that he works hard all day and comes home, drinks very fast and passes out and all I do is b!tch about it. He tells me that he does not have any intention to stop this because it is not "hurting anyone" Now he tells me that he has come up with a solution... "You have 2 choices" he tells me.. 1) Separation.. so I can keep health insur. OR 2) Divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face "EVER AGAIN" Now he is getting loud with me and demanding that I choose right NOW! He keeps saying "WHAT DO YOU WANT" over and over. I asked him to please let me process this. He seems to be having a hard time with my calm and quiet demeanor so he starts to tell me that he drinks on his way home from work every day just to be able to come home to me... and that [I am to Blame] for his drinking!
Sooo... here I am up at frickin midnight... wide awake, stressed, and still in shock how easy all of that crap came to him. Meanwhile he is cozy and snoring in bed.
What am I going to do? He seems to have this all planned out! I always saw this the other way around.... I would ask for a separation as a last resort when I felt strong enough.
I am so scared. Do I give him a divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face... or do I get the separation so I can keep my health insur??
Sooo... here I am up at frickin midnight... wide awake, stressed, and still in shock how easy all of that crap came to him. Meanwhile he is cozy and snoring in bed.
What am I going to do? He seems to have this all planned out! I always saw this the other way around.... I would ask for a separation as a last resort when I felt strong enough.
I am so scared. Do I give him a divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face... or do I get the separation so I can keep my health insur??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
counseling would come in handy for you
Originally Posted by Marfayjo 
so he starts to tell me that he drinks on his way home from work every day just to be able to come home to me... and that [I am to Blame] for his drinking!
sorry to hear that
he comes across as an inconsiderate, unloving fool who is also a drunk
to be honest I'm not sure what you should do
I just sent a prayer out for you
don't know your beliefs and or faith
but
a local Pastors counseling would come in handy for you at this time
Mountainman
he comes across as an inconsiderate, unloving fool who is also a drunk
to be honest I'm not sure what you should do
I just sent a prayer out for you
don't know your beliefs and or faith
but
a local Pastors counseling would come in handy for you at this time
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I am sorry for your situation. Read some posts on her and you will gain strength and hopefully insight. Obviously I am up at this hour also, while my AH is asleep in bed and I on the floor, in another room as usual. I wish you peace and am sending positive thoughts and prayers.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Marfayjo
The perfect day spent with my son went to hell as soon as my AH came home. He prances in the house and greets me with his typical song... " Hi Honey I'm HOME"! It was no surprise that he had been drinking.. I would not expect anything less. I was determined that tonight would end as peaceful as it started. I give him a hug and we start to chat about our day as he chugs his 20 oz malt beer. As long as I don't nag on him for his massive consumption I am sure to be able to have a restful night sleep right? WRONG!! He starts to bring up my nagging from a week ago.. He goes right in to defense mode.. even though I am not feeding into this negative turn to our conversation. I am just listening and trying hard to just validate his feelings... It just keeps getting more negative. I try to redirect the conversation... "We are both hurting in very different ways" I said. Well... That was the wrong thing to say... He goes on and says "My life is just too BIG for you". HUH? What exactly does that mean? I ask. He says that his life is just very busy... and he tells me how he gets up for work every morning at 3 am and works hard all day. (He says this to me almost every day) "I know you do" I said.. "We both do".... He continues and says that he works hard all day and comes home, drinks very fast and passes out and all I do is b!tch about it. He tells me that he does not have any intention to stop this because it is not "hurting anyone" Now he tells me that he has come up with a solution... "You have 2 choices" he tells me.. 1) Separation.. so I can keep health insur. OR 2) Divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face "EVER AGAIN" Now he is getting loud with me and demanding that I choose right NOW! He keeps saying "WHAT DO YOU WANT" over and over. I asked him to please let me process this. He seems to be having a hard time with my calm and quiet demeanor so he starts to tell me that he drinks on his way home from work every day just to be able to come home to me... and that [I am to Blame] for his drinking!
Sooo... here I am up at frickin midnight... wide awake, stressed, and still in shock how easy all of that crap came to him. Meanwhile he is cozy and snoring in bed.
What am I going to do? He seems to have this all planned out! I always saw this the other way around.... I would ask for a separation as a last resort when I felt strong enough.
I am so scared. Do I give him a divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face... or do I get the separation so I can keep my health insur??
Sooo... here I am up at frickin midnight... wide awake, stressed, and still in shock how easy all of that crap came to him. Meanwhile he is cozy and snoring in bed.
What am I going to do? He seems to have this all planned out! I always saw this the other way around.... I would ask for a separation as a last resort when I felt strong enough.
I am so scared. Do I give him a divorce so he never has to hear my voice or see my face... or do I get the separation so I can keep my health insur??
If that's a$$ wants a divorce . Don't cry.he's a drunk jerk.
Don't be scared though he's trying to bully you.
I couldn't tell youthe numberof times my ah told me he didnt want to be with me. Get out of the house . Go f someone else .
It's bologna!
He's drunk and nothing he says drunk or activelyusibg has any validity.
He's just a dumba$$.
Don't think for a second you should be scared ...know he should be scared.
Your too good and sane to put up with him. It's not the other way around.
My ah has said the same. He works so hard. I just nag all the time . He's gods gift to me and I'm the crazy one. He should be able to drink. He drinks because of me. If nobody made it a problem it wouldn't be a problem.
It's crap. All of it.
Don't let that bag of crap bring you down
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Perfectly said thislonelygirl! Mine told me tonight he often thinks what a mistake I am. We were not even arguing. Just calmly talking. He tells me several times a week that he wants a divorce. But has yet to take action.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I agree with thislonlygirl.
The man is acting like an idiot, you should not give him anything.
Whether you should give your self the rest of separation from him, well I would be considering that if I were you.
People that attack others to hide their own weaknesses is very unsympathetic, do not let that get to you – it has nothing to do with you, it does tell a lot about him though,
The man is acting like an idiot, you should not give him anything.
Whether you should give your self the rest of separation from him, well I would be considering that if I were you.
People that attack others to hide their own weaknesses is very unsympathetic, do not let that get to you – it has nothing to do with you, it does tell a lot about him though,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Just have a moment, so will be brief - others will come along with lots of support soon.
Go to a lawyer - or three - and get a free consultation and find out what your rights are legally if you separate or file for divorce. He is not the law. There are many protections for you and your son legally.
When people first come to SoberRecovery, we tell them the 3 C's about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The best thing to do is detach. Co-dependent No More is a great book by Melodie Beattie which helped a lot of us.
Thoughts and prayers are with you,
ShootingStar
Go to a lawyer - or three - and get a free consultation and find out what your rights are legally if you separate or file for divorce. He is not the law. There are many protections for you and your son legally.
When people first come to SoberRecovery, we tell them the 3 C's about alcoholism:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
The best thing to do is detach. Co-dependent No More is a great book by Melodie Beattie which helped a lot of us.
Thoughts and prayers are with you,
ShootingStar
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Thanks SugarBear for that perspective. It is also my experience that no matter what I said, or didn't say, or how I looked, or didn't look, or how hot or cold the house was, or what we had to eat, whatever...it didn't matter. If my ex wanted to get drunk and have a go at me, he would find a reason. No, let me rephrase that - he would make up a reason.
I can say being away from that behavior has made my life far more peaceful and enjoyable. I would rather gouge my eyeballs out with a dull butterknife that be in that situation again.
But this is your life, not mine! Like ShootingStar says above, remember the three C's. I carried them around on an old receipt in my purse for a long time. Learn how to not engage at all with him. And know chances are highly likely he won't remember much of this conversation in the morning. So just ignore it and let it go. And go get some much needed sleep!
Take care,
~T
I can say being away from that behavior has made my life far more peaceful and enjoyable. I would rather gouge my eyeballs out with a dull butterknife that be in that situation again.
But this is your life, not mine! Like ShootingStar says above, remember the three C's. I carried them around on an old receipt in my purse for a long time. Learn how to not engage at all with him. And know chances are highly likely he won't remember much of this conversation in the morning. So just ignore it and let it go. And go get some much needed sleep!
Take care,
~T
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Hi Marfayjo-
My perspective is not much different than the other responses you received.
I can share with you that I have been exactly where you are. The fear, the panic that sets in when you realize that you have no choices here, no options. NOTHING you do here will change the outcome. Because we really do not have any leverage here....
When it comes to alcohol, it will always be put first. And you? You will not be heard. Not your most honest truths that come from your soul, not your crying and begging... none of it will stop the behaviour of another.
The only person you can control here is yourself.
I've lived it. I've tried everything you can imagine to control another person's behaviour, only to have it thrown back in my face.
I've been raged at for buying the wrong kind of detergent, not coming fast enough when he called for me, not being blah blah blah enough....
It's not about you honey.. it's about him. And his need for control. And to scare you into staying and being his enabler. It's all BS. He probably doesn't mean any of it.
I'm so sorry... please take care of YOU. In whatever way you need to.
Hugs,
Lyn
My perspective is not much different than the other responses you received.
I can share with you that I have been exactly where you are. The fear, the panic that sets in when you realize that you have no choices here, no options. NOTHING you do here will change the outcome. Because we really do not have any leverage here....
When it comes to alcohol, it will always be put first. And you? You will not be heard. Not your most honest truths that come from your soul, not your crying and begging... none of it will stop the behaviour of another.
The only person you can control here is yourself.
I've lived it. I've tried everything you can imagine to control another person's behaviour, only to have it thrown back in my face.
I've been raged at for buying the wrong kind of detergent, not coming fast enough when he called for me, not being blah blah blah enough....
It's not about you honey.. it's about him. And his need for control. And to scare you into staying and being his enabler. It's all BS. He probably doesn't mean any of it.
I'm so sorry... please take care of YOU. In whatever way you need to.
Hugs,
Lyn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Thank you!
Thank you all so much for taking the time to support me.
Here is the UPDATE:
He got up early this morning... He makes so much damn noise even though I am clearly sleeping! So I just get up.. He obviously made a plan because he is going to him moms house. He asked me to help him with something quickly and the tone in his voice was cold and sharp.
I have thought long and hard about what I need to do ... I feel that the best decision is to go through with the divorce. We don't have children together.. I have a son from my past marriage.. and he has 4 kids from 2 past marriages. In a nut shell all 4 of his kids stopped coming around a long time ago... They will call to say hi or ask for money but that is it.. His daughter will not come around unless I am here!
I am not feeling sad right now... I am feeling determined and hopeful. I think I am ready to cut all ties.. Be done and free again.. I am scared but that is ok.. Time to take care of me!
Here is the UPDATE:
He got up early this morning... He makes so much damn noise even though I am clearly sleeping! So I just get up.. He obviously made a plan because he is going to him moms house. He asked me to help him with something quickly and the tone in his voice was cold and sharp.
I have thought long and hard about what I need to do ... I feel that the best decision is to go through with the divorce. We don't have children together.. I have a son from my past marriage.. and he has 4 kids from 2 past marriages. In a nut shell all 4 of his kids stopped coming around a long time ago... They will call to say hi or ask for money but that is it.. His daughter will not come around unless I am here!
I am not feeling sad right now... I am feeling determined and hopeful. I think I am ready to cut all ties.. Be done and free again.. I am scared but that is ok.. Time to take care of me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Too often I see people who would rather live in the chaos that has become familiar, than to risk walking past the fear towards an unknown future. I can promise you this: No matter how hard it was for any of us here to make the changes and take our lives back...not one of us who did it would go back again for anything!!!
You are being abused right now. I agree with you, if you don't have kids together then there's nothing holding you there. Talk to a lawyer, and find out what your rights are. Don't say anything until you have your ducks in order. Try to remain detached from his behavior, don't take any of it personally. Remember, he says what he says and does what he does because he is an abusive drunk. It is NOT about you.
Are you in AlAnon??? If not, find a meeting near you. You will benefit tremendously from the support as you move forward to a healthy new beginning.
You are being abused right now. I agree with you, if you don't have kids together then there's nothing holding you there. Talk to a lawyer, and find out what your rights are. Don't say anything until you have your ducks in order. Try to remain detached from his behavior, don't take any of it personally. Remember, he says what he says and does what he does because he is an abusive drunk. It is NOT about you.
Are you in AlAnon??? If not, find a meeting near you. You will benefit tremendously from the support as you move forward to a healthy new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
My husband went as far as to leave and live with this mother for 3 months and after 5 weeks of him being gone and threatening to take our daughter,I filed for separation. As soon as he got the papers, he went to an attorney to file for divorce after the 60 day waiting period, just to, "Hurt me the way that I hurt him." All because he didn't want to get sober and that was my fault. He has since, stayed sober and is working on himself through counseling but he has a ways to go. Don't listen to the drunk talk. Even when they aren't physically drinking, their minds are still in a fog so it's usually not even" them" talking.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
If it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck. I am glad you are taking it comely and you are lucky he is the one initiating the separation when it's us it is really hard to get rid of them. 
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
If my ex wanted to get drunk and have a go at me, he would find a reason. No, let me rephrase that - he would make up a reason.
We are selfish and manipulative when we are engaged in our addiction. Making the other person feel bad, makes us feel better and really is meant to manipulate YOU, make YOU feel bad and is kind of a distraction from our bad behaviour. And the bonus is that we can blame YOU for our drinking and not take responsilibty for it! It's a win win for the alkie.
So sorry you are going thru this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Swimming in Misery!!!
Update:
He wakes up Saturday morning and starts drinking right away.. Gets dressed and leaves... comes back at 230 and mows the lawn.. Takes a shower and asks me if I want to go with him out to eat... I say no thank you... Gets dressed and is gone again by 530pm.
So my nerves are going all night wondering if he is coming back here and if he will be hammered! By 10pm I am pretty sure he won't be here. This would be the first time since the day we met that I am clueless as to where he is or what he is doing and I am not sure why but it HURT like hell!!
This is a man who begged me a month ago not to leave him... He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me and now he is gone like THAT! Leaves me here with no money to pay the bills not even $40 for gas for my truck!
So here I sit sad... feeling sorry for myself because I am isolated myself from all my friends... Stressed cause I am broke.. I had to borrow money to feed his animal.. WOW!
I am lonely and sick to my stomach... For a while I was thinking maybe I should say sorry to him... This sucks.. I feel like I am swimming in misery!
He wakes up Saturday morning and starts drinking right away.. Gets dressed and leaves... comes back at 230 and mows the lawn.. Takes a shower and asks me if I want to go with him out to eat... I say no thank you... Gets dressed and is gone again by 530pm.
So my nerves are going all night wondering if he is coming back here and if he will be hammered! By 10pm I am pretty sure he won't be here. This would be the first time since the day we met that I am clueless as to where he is or what he is doing and I am not sure why but it HURT like hell!!
This is a man who begged me a month ago not to leave him... He said he loves me and can't imagine life without me and now he is gone like THAT! Leaves me here with no money to pay the bills not even $40 for gas for my truck!
So here I sit sad... feeling sorry for myself because I am isolated myself from all my friends... Stressed cause I am broke.. I had to borrow money to feed his animal.. WOW!
I am lonely and sick to my stomach... For a while I was thinking maybe I should say sorry to him... This sucks.. I feel like I am swimming in misery!
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
I'm so sorry for you . Really I am. Some of this sounds familiar to me. I feel like whenever my ah starts feeling me gain a bit if strength this is what happens. Maybe this is the case for you? I think if your ah was really tired of hearing your voice he'd be gone. If he was really tired he'd have those papers ready insurance or not. My thought is its part of the manipulation. Hang in there hugs to you
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