Sadangry81

I'm the sister of an addict. I've known about the problem for about 10 years, but he's been addict for close to twenty. It started with pain pills, but now is a general substance user. About 7 years ago, my dad (the enabler) cut off my brother and he ODed and almost died. He was able to move forward and even held a job or two over the years. He's now living with his girlfriend and her kids and even though he's been unemployed for the past few years I thought he'd been stable.

Well. I went into one of my bank accounts and realized someone was draining it by taking out the maximum every day. I called the bank and realized my dad was still on the account and that my brother was impersonating him to take the money. I called my dad, he apologized and reimbursed me. A week later, my brother had cleaned my account out again.

My dad played it off like it was a complete accident and the bank has made a mistake and pulled from the wrong account. When I suggested we call the bank, he freaked out and made me promise not to do that. I realized at that point 1. My brother had stolen from my dad, but accidentally stolen from me. 2. My dad was completely supporting my brother and had been for quite some time. 3. My brother had probably relapsed given the thousands of dollars he'd stolen.

I called my brother and he won't speak to me. I'm planning my child's baptism and when my mom asked about this sibling, I matter of factly said given the recent incident I would not be including him.

Cue the call from my father. He said my brother was just about to get on his feet and the last thing he needed was a cold-hearted sister giving up on him. He was depressed and going to a new therapist and on new meds and needed all of our love and support. The money had been replaced and my brother hasn't even intended to take it from me, so what was the big deal? I told my dad I was being kind by not calling the police and that I needed boundaries - he basically told me how disappointed he was that I was giving up on my brother and breaking up my family. How dare I make them choose between siblings. I'm still a little shocked. I'm angry at my dad for enabling him all these years - also he's spent huge amount of money doing so. Both my parents are near retirement, but I don't know if they can ever afford it while supporting my brother.

I don't want to break up my family, or ruin my relationship with my parents - but the thought of being around my brother - or even my dad at this point stress me out to the extreme.

Any advice would be welcome.

lizwig

Sad and angry....I'm so glad you found this forum. You are exactly where you need to be. I'm sorry your brother has stolen from you....and that his intended victim wants you to ignore it. That totally sucks. Unfortunately your parents are co-dependent on your brother. They are addicted to him...the chaos and the misery. They still, after all these years, believe they are going to say the right thing or make the right choice that will then prompt him to see the error of his ways. They never will be able to do that....they just haven't arrived at their own bottoms yet. We all get there eventually....where we know in our guts that something absolutely has to change of we'll be going down with them. I would suggest removing your dad from your account. If you have to share an account for some reason keep the bare minimum in it and make sure the banker knows not to issue any cards on the account. You are doing the right thing by setting some boundaries. You may need to do the same thing with your parents. I finally had to tell my son I would no longer talk to him about the chaos caused by his addiction...anything else...but not that. Apparently he has nothing else to talk about...go figure. Hang in there. Others will be by to welcome you.

Sadangry81

Thank you so much Liz. I'm very upset by all of this because I'm so close with my parents, especially my mom - who doesn't agree with the enabling but doesn't have any control. This incident also opened her eyes at how much my dad had been supporting my brother.

I immediately removed my dad from the account. He agreed and was humiliated that it had happened twice. He told me that my brother has had a horrible life, and I'll never understand because everything I've ever wanted I've gotten (and worked really hard for). So the guilt was laid on really thick. It's deeply saddening to hear my dad so desperate to "keep everything together." He also insists that my brother is clean, just down on his luck.

Lastly, when I told him I didn't agree with his enabling and supporting my brother he said that it was none of my business. The details are none of my concern. He'll never give up on any of his children

Katiekate

Lastly, when I told him I didn't agree with his enabling and supporting my brother he said that it was none of my business.

As hard as it is to hear this, it actually is the truth. What is your business is when it has a direct effect on you. So you need to protect yourself. Your Dad is not going to change what he is doing , he is fully co dependent, he can not see it, he is hurt, and sad, and doing the co dependent dance. He has to come to it on his own.

There is a lot of betrayal in co dependent families, it is the fallout of addiction. Your bother has a disease, your dad is trying to fix him, he still is in denial about your brothers issue. Honey, you can save yourself , but you can not save your Dad.

I hope that you continue to post and educate yourself about addiction and co dependency.

So glad you posted. Katie

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. My son is the addict in our family (he is currently in recovery) and I also have a daughter who is not addicted. Perhaps sharing some of my story will help you.

I am the enabler in our family dynamic. Like your father, I tried to control the addict (my son) and his sister....and their relationship. I tried to control the relationship between my husband and our son. That's what codependents do....and we see nothing wrong with it. It is denial at its finest.

I would guilt my daughter into contact with her brother. Berate her for not wanting to come to family functions he was going to be attending. What I didn't realize is how much damage I was doing to our relationship. She eventually began to pull away from me (we were very close) for her own self preservation. She detached with love but detached nonetheless. She distanced herself from her brother (zero contact) and limited her exposure to me. It hurt me deeply but it was exactly what I needed in order to wake up.

She didn't do this in a verbal manner. She didn't threaten to detach. She didn't make me feel guilty. She just did it. I "heard" her actions louder than I would have ever heard words. She showed me HOW to detach with love.

I did all of the things your father is doing. I understand his position (codependent) very well.......too well. And he's not going to change until/unless he becomes aware of his own involvement with the dance of addiction.

The best thing that happened to me was watching how my son's addiction was causing me to lose the people I love in my life. They (most specifically my daughter and my husband) made me realize that I was sacrificing my healthy relationships for one very unhealthy one. They helped me see how my behavior was part of the problem by taking care of themselves FIRST.

Melody Beattie wrote a great book called "Codependent No More"....it has helped a lot of people open their eyes to their own codependence and the destructive force of the behaviors associated with it. It was one of the resources that helped me. It also helped me to attend Nar-Anon meetings and to hear addicts from NA speak about how their family's codependence contributed to their addiction.

Don't feel guilty for distancing yourself from your brother.....or even your parents if you need to do that. It may be the kindest thing you could do for them. I am so very grateful for my dear daughter's strength and self awareness......by taking care of herself......she helped me. She taught me how to take care of MYSELF and detach with love from my addicted son. Changing the family dynamic may have been very instrumental in my son getting clean and sober.....he is in recovery today.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Sadangry81

So how do I move forward? My dad wants me to act like nothing has happened. Do I invite my brother to my child's events? Show up at holidays and give everyone hugs? How in the world I could do that and not lose it on my brother and/or dad is beyond me. It would feel like I'm saying "hey, I know you abuse OUR parents emotionally and financially" but its cool we can just ignore it for the sake of this family holiday.

lizwig

It's a difficult balance for sure. It's okay to say you have opted to put boundaries in place with your brother. Tell your brother what they are if you are able. Just like your dad is telling you his relationship with your brother is his business...the reverse is also true. Your brother has hurt you deeply. Maybe tell your dad you need to see through your brother's actions, not his words, that change is taking place. If nothing changes nothing changes. Of course you'd like your parents at your child's christening but maybe tell them you understand if they can't be. You deserve to be angry and you deserve to have serenity. I'm glad Kindeyes posted...She has talked before at how her daughter taught her this important lesson. Meadowsis had also posted before about the chaos caused by her brother's addiction....if you can search by user name she may share with you how she worked to establish boundaries. Sending you strength today.

interrupted

I was in a very similar situation. My sister is a heroin addict. Back before anybody knew this as fact, when my mother was still deep in denial (before the possession charges forced her hand) my sister stole a great deal of things from me. She basically robbed me blind while I was away, selling my appliances, everything, it was a disaster. When I suggested that she needed to face some consequences for her theft, my mom freaked out on me - she said that I just didn't understand, she said that I had forgotten where I came from and that she didn't know how I had ended up so cold. It hurt me tremendously. I started to withdraw from my family at that time - trying to remove myself from all of the chaos of their codependent, enmeshed addiction behaviors.

I still regret allowing my mom to shame me into not pressing charges or standing up for myself. Things went downhill for my sister, of course, when someone has an enabler of that caliber things rarely go well. My relationship with my mom took a really huge hit. She accused me of abandoning my sister, saying that if I had never left my sister never would have gotten involved in drugs, etc. None of that is true. It still hurt, but working on my own recovery has allowed me to understand that none of that is true. I eventually apologized to her to smooth things over several years ago. I didn't mean it in the way that she understood it. Our relationship is tenuous but I'm not totally no contact at this point. I have several boundaries in place to protect myself and my recovery at this time, and one of them involves not getting involved with her and my sister. I don't talk to my mother about my sister or their ongoing drama.

What I had to realize is that not only could I not save my sister, but I couldn't save my mother either. She was going to do whatever she had to do just like my sister was, and all I could control was myself and my own actions/reactions to their drama. As of now my sister is not allowed in my house. I'm comfortable with my decision to not allow anyone using drugs or early in recovery into my home, and so whether my mother approves of my boundary is really a non-issue. I mean this literally, not harshly: her judgement is not my problem.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want your brother at the baptism. That's a really special moment for your family and your child and keeping it free of codependent enmeshment and chaos is a healthy decision to make. I would make the same decision. As far as what your dad thinks about it, it's not really any of his business. He won't understand that, but until he finds his own path to recovery, that's just how it will be.

As for the holidays, I skipped them for a while. I made my own little family Christmas with my healthy fiance and friends. Same with Thanksgiving. It was actually really nice and peaceful, I didn't have any of the stress and dread that always accompanied holidays previously. It took a bit of time before I was able to be around them without getting pulled back into the storm. After a period of healthy detachment, though, it gets easier. It really does.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, I know how tough it is, but you sound like you have a good, healthy view of the situation - just continue to put yourself and your child first, it's really all we can do.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to the forum.

I've been re-reading a book published several years ago by John Bradshaw titled "Healing the Shame That Binds You." There is much in the book about shame-based families and the roles they play or are forced to play and about how the shame continues from one generation to the other. All the feedback you have received so far is very good, very recovery-based approaches to dealing with a family of addiction which is thick with shame.

Your risk is that in trying to have healthy relationships with unhealthy people, and inevitably failing again and again, and becoming a target for their projections of guilt and shame, you will yourself start to feel deep shame yourself...about displeasing your father, about being unable to help your mother, about reacting with boundaries toward your brother. And this shame can affect your own intimate relationships.

Highly dysfunctional families produce people who feel deep shame. It is so important to realize this and to find some help for yourself. Either a recovery support group or a counselor or even a discussion group about spiritual growth within a church setting. Any form of inner work which can allow you to look realistically at your challenges and in doing so, come to more awareness and better emotional and psychological health. If you just keep trying to adjust again and again to the unpredictability in your family, you will twist yourself so many ways that you could lose your authentic self entirely. That could be the price you pay to be "allowed" to participate in the family.

So where you are today is a kind of turning point for you: toward better emotional health or away from it. You deserve to be free of the burdens placed on you by individuals you cannot help. They must help themselves. Try to avoid the role of rescuer. Not only does it increase the dysfunction, but it is a false way of life. Many of us here know. Rescuers are really just rescuing themselves. It is really about wanting to make ourselves feel better by trying to control others. It looks like compassion. But it enables others to stay sick. And makes us sick.

So you might take a look at that book I mentioned, as well as "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Your challenges in your family will be lifelong, so starting the road to health for yourself right now would be very good for you and for your future relationships.

Sadangry81

I've ordered the book. I've found a Narcanon meeting for Wednesday. I've tried to get my parents to go, but my dad doesn't want other people in the community knowing or judging what's going on. It's private and those meetings would "reveal too much."

If this recent incident hadnt happened, I really wouldn't know what had been going on. I don't see my brother that much, but when we're around him (and gf and kids) they are normally okay to be around. We just avoid the obvious questions like, "why haven't you gotten a job" and "are you clean?" My dad says he's only been unemployed for 12 months max, and its been almost 3 years. My dad says its IMPOSSIBLE for him to find a job - which I don't agree with. There is SOMETHING you can find to support yourself. My dad blames everything except my brother, because he has a mental disease.

I wish this hadnt happened, because ignorance is bliss. But now I know, and I'm so angry this is still going on. Plus, this is a serious criminal offense - he went to a bank a dozen times and stole money. Sometimes I wonder if calling the police would be worth it, but I know my dad will never forgive me and they'll just end up with more attorneys fees.

With that amount of money, I assumed my brother had relapsed. But my dad insists he now has a spending addiction - which either way he wouldn't have the $ to support these habits if my dad wasn't giving it to him. Ugh. This feels good to vent some of this ridiculousness to people that understand, because my dad makes me feel like this is all my fault. I need to have a big enough heart to forgive my brother and not hold any of this against him.

interrupted

My mom says the exact same things. She can't get or keep a job because of the economy, the authorities are all out to get her, nothing is her fault, every single bad thing that happens to my sister is the result of something besides her own poor decisions. It used to make me really angry, but realizing that my mom was exactly as sick as, if not sicker, than my sister helped a lot.

Your brother probably has relapsed, when an addict can't keep a job and is stealing money the simplest explanation is usually the right one. But your brother owns that. Your dad not wanting to admit that there's a problem, throwing blame externally, and generally shutting down anyone that doesn't buy into the denial, he gets to own that. All you can do is keep your own side of the street clean.

I was never able to convince my mom to go to a meeting or even read a book about codependency. I know that trying to change her opinion and behavior with words and arguments about my sister never changed anything, so instead I worked the recovery that I wished they would. It is the only thing I can do.

pravchaw

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To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. (Lewis B. Smedes). Forgive them for your own health. You know you cannot change them, only they can. But boundaries in place for your protection, not to punish them.

You have already cut off your brother from your life (for good reason and very understandable), do you want to do the same with your father? After all you father is an addict too. On the other hand you can detach from his addiction and engage with him in other aspects of his and your life. Its your life and your choice and there is no wrong answer.

Kindeyes

Unconditional love does not mean that we have to unconditionally accept inappropriate behavior. There is no doubt that stealing from you (even if he thought he was stealing from your father) is absolutely inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. There is no shade of gray on that.....it's pretty straight forward. You have a right to feel angry and it is no less inappropriate for your father to try to shame you for being angry about the situation. All of that is part of the dysfunction of the disease of addiction. Until someone changes the dynamic....it will continue.....indefinitely.

If nothing changes....nothing changes. And there is no doubt that it takes great courage to change.

It's ok to love your father and your brother.....from afar if necessary......limiting contact....establishing boundaries......stating your truth clearly.......without emotional emphasis.......detaching with love. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. You're dealing with two addicts....not one.....as a well seasoned codependent, I can assure you that I was as addicted to my addicted son as he was to meth and heroin. I needed to be dealt with in the same way an addict needs to be dealt with....with firm boundaries.

To thine own self be true.

gentle hugs
ke

KariSue

Well I have been through the same kind of situation with 2 of my adult children who are not addicted and my addicted son.

The AS has gotten most of the attention over the years and, for that, I apologized to my other two children.

My daughter and I had a 'heart to heart' and she told me that being a single mom was about all she could handle. She couldn't handle any of her AB's drama anymore. She said she still loves him though and felt bad for him. I admitted that I was expecting certain things from her regarding her brother but I would no longer do that. I never knew it was bothering her. She always seems so together but looks can be deceiving I guess. Now I know so I will do better. I also feel I have helped her a lot because I know she has it rough being a single mom.

Maybe have a heart to heart with your dad and tell him that it isn't that you don't love your brother or him but that you just have enough to deal with with your own family and can't handle feeling like you are in the middle anymore or expected to do anything where your brother is concerned. Ask him to respect that you have to define your own relationship with your brother and you respect his right to do the same with your brother. Just as it is none of your business what your dad and his son do it is none of your dad's business how you choose to have a relationship with your brother.

If you don't want your brother at the Baptism then you have that right. On the other hand, dad has the right to ask all of his children over for Christmas and if you decide not to go because brother is coming that is your right to refuse. Just don't make dad feel he has to choose between his children and not ask brother or you will be upset. Your dad should also respect that you don't want your brother at the Baptism. I wouldn't want him there if I were you. He shouldn't make you feel guilty for not wanting brother to come either.

My daughter even said she was considering leaving town to get away from it all. How many times have I thought of leaving town myself!!!!!! except I have my house paid for now....

It is rough all the way around.

Also what my daughter might not see is her dad and I trying to right things as time goes on and we realize things. It has been a long ride and it is rough. She doesn't even know the half of what we went through really.

I hope it all works out for you.

Hugs, Kari