Plenny

Two days ago I thought to myself that I was doing really well and even had no desire to drink. I wondered to myself how it is that people give in to the desire to drink even after many months of abstinence. I thought it wasn't possible for my mind to change.
Then yesterday I woke up in a really weird mood and I was tired all day, and the scale has not shown that I've lost any weight, and I wondered why I had even quit. I went out with my husband and ordered drinks like nothing had ever happened. Cut to 6am this morning, I was drunk out of my mind, on the couch in the living room bawling my eyes out and thinking about leaving my husband after fighting through the wee hours.
Neither one of us had had that much to drink in two months so we were pretty loaded.
I am extremely hung over and didn't do anything today. I shook worse this morning than ever. I had a beer at lunch. I don't intend to have any more drinks.
I certainly remember now why I quit. The wine wasn't THAT good, and I got wasted and fought all night with my husband and got nothing done all day. I ate way too much. And I'm wasting time and anxious and I used to feel like this EVERY day.
Ugh.

drunkyjules

Don't beat yourself up so much about it. Many of us have been where you are, I know I have. Unfortunately its a hard lesson to learn and I had to fall down a few good times and suffer the horrible consequences to really learn that I can't drink anymore. Not one, not a couple, not any.

To me the shame and beating myself up about it didn't really work. Take the experience and learn from it. Talk to your husband, say your sorry, kiss and make-up. Then move forward with even more resolve and a plan of how to stay sober no matter what comes. You can stay sober, sometimes its just really hard. A lot of old timers told me that they had to come to believe drinking was not an option for them "no matter what", even if your a$$ falls off so they say.

Bruce292

I'm sorry you're feeling terrible

Write down how you felt this morning. The next time you wonder why you quit read what you wrote. My mind is really good at telling me that drinking will be just awesome. In reality I know that it'll be a train wreck. But you've figure this out already. As you said, the wine wasn't that good and you ended up fighting.

I have no real wisdom. I just see my reflection in what you're saying.

Hang in there, be strong, do you best, and take care of yourself.

Plenny

Thank you drunkyjules. I have been bummed out. I wasn't feeling any more energetic or blissed out recently. My sobriety wasn't really feeling that great and I let the AV just drive. It sucked. Luckily my man and I were able to patch it up. I hope I can get back on track and keep enjoying my sobriety. I want it back pretty bad now. Can't believe I lived like this for so long. Seriously, I woke up desperately sick, heart racing every day??? How did I live! It really scares me.
This situation is exactly what I fear when I get stressed out. I am so good at sneaking up on myself and sabotaging. I thought I was in control. But I will try to be easier on myself. The guilt just drives me deeper too

drunkyjules

I agree with what Bruce said too. I kept a journal in the beginning and would write, pretty much started after a big blackout night I had and through my early sobriety. It helped get out frustrations but I could go back and read it and see progress. So when I thought life was horrible I'd go back and read and see that I was really having mostly good days with just a bad couple hours or so here or there, the bad didn't even last that long but sometimes its hard to see past it.

Plus I couldn't lie to myself about it with it being in black and white. My head always wants to forget those horrible hang-overs! I'm scared to forget them....then I might start thinking I'm "normal" again and think I might have just one or two........bleh!!

Get a couple days back on the wagon and you are going to feel so much better. I hate the aftermath of my drinking........

Take care!

Plenny

Totally. Usually I am able to reassure myself that I can get through the rough patches and that they pass pretty quickly.
Journaling is great. I should go write now. Journaling was how I got started back in July. It helped a lot.
I just wish I had gotten myself through that one yesterday.
Once the hangover passes I know I'll get my good attitude back... It's always so much better the next day.
Remember everybody!!! It feels like my nerve endings are frayed. I am weak and craving the worst foods. I feel anxious and paranoid. I feel unattractive. I feel like I have little to no brain power. AND I DIDN'T HAVE THAT GREAT OF A TIME LAST NIGHT. It wasn't worth it. It never is. I didn't even feel that different all night. But all the demons came out. Bonus!
Let's never forget why we quit feeling this way!!!

Hevyn

Hi Plenny. I'm sorry you went through that awful time. I think it can be useful though - I had to go through that same thing a few times to really convince myself that I was finally done with it. It was never going to give me what I needed - was not my friend - and there was only misery in the bottom of that bottle. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to learn that.

I'm glad you wanted to discuss what happened. Sounds like you're ready to stay with it this time - you don't need it Plenny. Life is so much better & peaceful without it - you can get free and stay that way.

bigsombrero

So you decided to quit drinking all together...and didn't mention this to your husband? Could you go vegan without telling your husband? Gluten-free without mentioning it? Could you even get a haircut without him noticing? Why not tell him about this, it's a really big deal and he needs to know. This is not just a "phase", it's a completely new way of life.

Plenny

Hi bigsombrero, not sure where you got that I hadn't told my husband. He knows what's going on with me. It's just that I convinced the hell out of us both that I could have a couple drinks last night. I'm really good at that. That's the part I mentioned about sabotaging myself. My husband and I used to be heavy drinkers together. After a few drinks last night, neither one of us monitored anything. That's how it goes. That's how it went down.
Now I'm nursing myself back to my healthy state of mind, the one that I hope to continue to cultivate. And I'm trying not to chastise myself, as I often have an adverse reaction to scolding.

Plenny

Also, not once have I let on that I'm not taking recovery seriously, bigsombrero. I appreciate that you thought you saw some holes in my story and you felt you should call me out on it. But, I'm a person who is struggling with some very intense triggers and a very manipulative AV, and I stumbled. So, that's just reality.

bigsombrero

Really sorry - I made the mistake of assuming you hadn't told him. I haven't read all of your stories from Day 1, I was just responding to the information given on this thread. It sounds like you're in a tough spot right now. I sympathize - AND, I empathize. Do you have a plan to get things together? You have my full support.

I said nothing regarding how seriously you're taking sobriety. Perhaps you are the one wondering how seriously you're taking it?

Cryptic messages aside, I am pulling for you. Sounds like right now you just need a hug and a pat on the back. Consider this a virtual version. Rest up, get your strength back, and get back to 100%. Fretting and worrying when you're feeling so terrible doesn't help anything, the ball of yarn will be there to untangle when you feel better - and it won't get any bigger as long as you're sleeping, resting, and taking care of yourself. Treat yourself right and rest up.

bblackbirdflyy

Thank you for posting this valuable lesson plenny. It could happen to any of us in early recovery. By sharing your experience you keep What it was like fresh in my mind. Keep on keeping on! Again, thanks!

Dee74

It can be a minefield for sure Plenny - what else are you doing for your recovery besides SR?

d

Plenny

Hi Dee, I'm pretty pressured right now with family issues, so I'm getting slammed against the glass quite a bit. Trying to stay inside the insulated box. When I feel agitated or stressed I try to exercise when I can. I eat what I want generally and try to enjoy lots of other things. I have a therapist I can call on an as needed basis, and I know it doesn't sound so much like it, but my husband is really supportive at home. I think last night I also could have called a good buddy of mine in AA and just had a few words to turn it around. All in all, staying busy and, frankly, being kind of broke have made it pretty easy to stay sober.
I'm about to deal with more family stuff over the next month so I'm really feeling vulnerable. I guess my plan is to amp up my minute-to-minute mentality and try to stay present. It has helped before.... I tricked myself last night

LadyBlue0527

Hi Plenny, YOU CAN DO THIS! You fell of the wagon but you learned by it. You came back here. I understand that you have a lot of stress but realistically, you know that drinking isn't the solution for anything. It may temporarily allow you to say "the heck with it" but when the morning comes you're back right where you started. I have faith in you that you can do this. Own it, make it yours!

Soberpotamus

Hi Plenny, sorry you are stressed and feeling vulnerable. I think the journaling is an excellent idea. My therapist has been trying to turn me onto the idea of it too. I just started journaling in earnest lately, and I think it may help Too early to tell yet, but I think if we can journal our way through the worst of times, there may just be something to it.

Hang in there

Plenny

Thanks so much! I'm on I think day 2 (although I kind of don't like the counting thing but it functions for gauging my anxiety in relation to the distance from the last hangover), and just feeling still really weird today. I can't tell everyone how helpful it's been to stay connected today. For some reason I shut down and felt I couldn't do anything at all... Couldn't get in the studio, couldn't wash my hair, couldn't clean my bedroom, couldn't work out. Just frozen and fixating. That's my favorite way to sabotage myself. Hopefully tomorrow will be better
Thanks again xoxoxo

FeenixxRising

Plenny, I've been where you are right now far too many times. The last time was almost overwhelming. But I renewed my commitment and moved forward. You'll feel better tomorrow, but for now you should renew your commitment and think about what you can do differently to avoid the next relapse.

Soberpotamus

Frozen and fixated, yep same here. Frozen, fixated, angry... lol. Those are mine.

Stay on SR, we are here to help And find the little things that make you happy and try to focus on them. Even a cup of coffee or tea. Or brownie or cookie Sometimes, coaxing ourselves out of the darkness works. It's what I'm doing lately. Cause it sure is a yucky place to be, under the rock in the dark and feeling isolated.

I think we are really good at pushing away the good for us things, you know? I push away all the things that I need to help me. SR is my one lifeline that truly is there all the time, no questions asked.

Plenny

So true. Gotta have a plan. But I have seen lots of people today post what I'm pretty sure I'm gonna post next time: "Helllp!!" I've done it before and it was so helpful.
Haha so now I just made some tea and actually rubbed tiger balm all over my neck just to feel something. I do actually have a sore neck, and yes I WAS one of the kids in the schoolyard spinning around to get 'high,' hahaha!