Blindsided
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: flower mound tx
Posts: 2
Blindsided
My abf of 18 months recently moved from another state to live with me and my boys. I knew him 20 plus years ago and never forgot about him. We had recently reconnected about two years ago. He has been here now 3 months and all he does is drink, sleep and watch tv. At the end of the 2nd month, he asked me to take him to rehab which I did. He went through detox and came home a week later. He stayed sober two weeks. Now he is drinking like he was before he decided to go to rehab. He is the sweetest guy and highly intelligent but when he drinks, he is impossible to deal with. My kids have heard us argue over this and I have asked repeately for him to leave which he does for a night or two and then comes back when I am at work. I get home and he is either passed out or barely able to speak to me clearly. And legally I cannot change locks because he has been here over 30 days and is now a "tennant" although he has not paid any rent or helped with any bills since he got here. I told him last night that he needed to find someplace else to stay because he could not live here like this. He is still here now the next day as I am typing this passed out in the bedroom. I feel like a fool for allowing him into my home with my kids not even knowing this about him. I love him very much but I can't get him sober enough to get him out of my house. I do not buy him anything and I have cleared out my entire liquour cabinet and gave to my friend to keep. I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
I agree, do what you need to do. Another idea is to wait till hes really drunk and passes out. Once the cops come to your place it will be even easier since he will smell like alcohol.
Get him out now, worry about the legal fallout later, he's going to have to prove he lived there and all that other stuff. Heck he may not even try.
If you feel like you are in danger please call the authorities.
Get him out now, worry about the legal fallout later, he's going to have to prove he lived there and all that other stuff. Heck he may not even try.
If you feel like you are in danger please call the authorities.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
So sorry for the nasty situation you find yourself in KLE.
My XABF was also the "love of my life" from 20 years ago. We reconnected after my 15 yr. marriage ended. And he failed to tell me that he had developed a horrible alcohol abuse problem in the intervening years. He relocated to be near me. He wanted to move right in with my daughters and me, but thank god, he didn't.
3 years later, lots of heartbreak and embarrassment for everyone...well you are living the same story so you know.
Please get him out, however you need to. I agree with the others that you can just give him the boot. Being drunk and disorderly as a way of life, he has forfeited his "tenant's rights" IMO.
I hope you have good support - friends, therapy - they will help you figure out the practical stuff.
My XABF was also the "love of my life" from 20 years ago. We reconnected after my 15 yr. marriage ended. And he failed to tell me that he had developed a horrible alcohol abuse problem in the intervening years. He relocated to be near me. He wanted to move right in with my daughters and me, but thank god, he didn't.
3 years later, lots of heartbreak and embarrassment for everyone...well you are living the same story so you know.
Please get him out, however you need to. I agree with the others that you can just give him the boot. Being drunk and disorderly as a way of life, he has forfeited his "tenant's rights" IMO.
I hope you have good support - friends, therapy - they will help you figure out the practical stuff.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Please ! Take it from someone who has children with an alcoholic. shared life and home and baby on the way. You do NOT want to go there. I promise you.
I've been going around in loops with my hubs and sobriety has only last a bit long . like a penny in a dollar. It's not worth it. Please think about what I'm saying to you.
I Am stressed unhappy and there is no communication and no trust. not what others have.
I feel guilty everyday that I Am a mother to children who's father is an alcoholic. Ky children. All children are never really shielded and my kids sadly feel the effects of their fathers addiction.
I worry if he will die go to the hospital go to jail cheat on me and if he will even come home.
He will intend to go straight to the store and back or come him straight from work but there have been so many times he disappeared for hours from what should have been a twenty maybe thirty minute trip and be gone even as long as eight hours. He's stayed up all night. Not made any sense and ive even caught him talking to himself.
By all accounts he is a trustworthy wonderful loving intelligent person sober but when he drinks he will lie and manipulate to do so and all bets are off.
You deserve a normal relationship and so do your children.
Listen.... the reasoning you will tell yourself will he hopeful but not reality.
You will tell yourself the person he was or is sober is too good to give up on and you'll hope thats enough while ignore the reality that it very much may not be. That he very much could be just the drunk and only the drunk you've seen.
Don't let him suck you back in. Fight any legal way get him out and move on.
Don't let him manipulate you. Stick with your feelings of today
I've been going around in loops with my hubs and sobriety has only last a bit long . like a penny in a dollar. It's not worth it. Please think about what I'm saying to you.
I Am stressed unhappy and there is no communication and no trust. not what others have.
I feel guilty everyday that I Am a mother to children who's father is an alcoholic. Ky children. All children are never really shielded and my kids sadly feel the effects of their fathers addiction.
I worry if he will die go to the hospital go to jail cheat on me and if he will even come home.
He will intend to go straight to the store and back or come him straight from work but there have been so many times he disappeared for hours from what should have been a twenty maybe thirty minute trip and be gone even as long as eight hours. He's stayed up all night. Not made any sense and ive even caught him talking to himself.
By all accounts he is a trustworthy wonderful loving intelligent person sober but when he drinks he will lie and manipulate to do so and all bets are off.
You deserve a normal relationship and so do your children.
Listen.... the reasoning you will tell yourself will he hopeful but not reality.
You will tell yourself the person he was or is sober is too good to give up on and you'll hope thats enough while ignore the reality that it very much may not be. That he very much could be just the drunk and only the drunk you've seen.
Don't let him suck you back in. Fight any legal way get him out and move on.
Don't let him manipulate you. Stick with your feelings of today
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I was like you in certain regards. I had been in a 15 year marriage with three children. I had always loved my AH since I was 8. We dated in college and always kept in touch. But somehow went out separate ways and married other people, each staying married 15 years and each having three children. We reconnected while we were each divorcing and fell in love again. Unfortunately I made some very poor judgement calls. I moved to be with him and have up everything financially to do so. I believed him when he said he would take care if me and my children, I believed all of the lies he told me about his life. And as soon as I got here, the abuse was immediate. But I kept hoping that the person I knew was somewhere in there. I kept making excuses and then it got to the point that I became pregnant and he finally married me after two months of limbo and him telling me to have an abortion. I miscarried three days after we went to the court house and got married with my kids. And then it was too late and I had lost all financial security and was in too far and couldn't move out. I ha no where to go and no way to get there. And I'm still stuck. Please get him out while you can! My AH has done things I never would have allowed with anyone else. He has put his hands on my oldest daughter in anger. He has abused my children emotionally and abuse me physically in front of them. Please get this man out now. Don't end up like me! Please see the reality of what it is not what it could be. It is the reality he is showing you. And e is sponging off of you and taking away from you and your kids. Please call the police when he is passed out ad get him out. The police will help you get a restraining order also. Please!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm still struggling w/something you said about this person being a "tenant" and you can't change the locks on him b/c he has been with you more than 30 days? I'm certainly not knowledgeable about the law, but I absolutely cannot believe that legally you can't kick someone out of your house simply b/c they have been there more than 30 days.
If I understand correctly, his name is NOT on the mortgage/lease or anything, right? So he is not a "tenant", he is just a houseguest who has outstayed his welcome! Again, I don't see how he could possibly have any legal right to stay in your house w/o your permission.
Not sure where that information came from, but I'd highly recommend getting a second opinion about that, and then kicking his a$$ out of YOUR home. I would bet my next paycheck that you owe this guy NOTHING, legally or otherwise!
If I understand correctly, his name is NOT on the mortgage/lease or anything, right? So he is not a "tenant", he is just a houseguest who has outstayed his welcome! Again, I don't see how he could possibly have any legal right to stay in your house w/o your permission.
Not sure where that information came from, but I'd highly recommend getting a second opinion about that, and then kicking his a$$ out of YOUR home. I would bet my next paycheck that you owe this guy NOTHING, legally or otherwise!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by kle2012 
My abf of 18 months recently moved from another state to live with me and my boys. I knew him 20 plus years ago and never forgot about him. We had recently reconnected about two years ago. He has been here now 3 months and all he does is drink, sleep and watch tv. At the end of the 2nd month, he asked me to take him to rehab which I did. He went through detox and came home a week later. He stayed sober two weeks. Now he is drinking like he was before he decided to go to rehab. He is the sweetest guy and highly intelligent but when he drinks, he is impossible to deal with. My kids have heard us argue over this and I have asked repeately for him to leave which he does for a night or two and then comes back when I am at work. I get home and he is either passed out or barely able to speak to me clearly. And legally I cannot change locks because he has been here over 30 days and is now a "tenant" although he has not paid any rent or helped with any bills since he got here. I told him last night that he needed to find someplace else to stay because he could not live here like this. He is still here now the next day as I am typing this passed out in the bedroom. I feel like a fool for allowing him into my home with my kids not even knowing this about him. I love him very much but I can't get him sober enough to get him out of my house. I do not buy him anything and I have cleared out my entire liquour cabinet and gave to my friend to keep. I don't know what to do.
You are not a fool.. but your are right that you cannot live like this. Your kids deserve better.
Make a plan.
I have some ideas here... rent him a motel room. Take all of his things there. Leave a note on the door of your apartment where his things are and leave him the hotel room key.
I think the possible "litigation" is just holding you back from what you know you need to do?
It's hard to let go of someone we love, even when they are horrible to us... and believe me I know how much pain you are in and how you are beating yourself up for the decision to let him move in.
Forgive yourself, but take action to make it better. You can do this. You are strong.. we are here for you.
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He is not a "tenant". If his name isn't on anything, and he hasn't paid you a dime, he is not a "tenant". He is a free loader, who's time is up. You can explain that you let him stay with you temporarily until he got himself situated, but now he's refusing to leave. What argument does he have? Tell him to get out, and as soon as he's out have the locks changed. If he refuses, call the cops. When he's out get a restraining order so if he comes back you can just call for help. You have kids....that's a deal breaker IMO. You have to protect them first and foremost. He certainly isn't concerned for their welfare.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Recovering2
He is not a "tenant". If his name isn't on anything, and he hasn't paid you a dime, he is not a "tenant". He is a free loader, who's time is up. You can explain that you let him stay with you temporarily until he got himself situated, but now he's refusing to leave. What argument does he have? Tell him to get out, and as soon as he's out have the locks changed. If he refuses, call the cops. When he's out get a restraining order so if he comes back you can just call for help. You have kids....that's a deal breaker IMO. You have to protect them first and foremost. He certainly isn't concerned for their welfare.
A tenant is clearly on the lease otherwise is a houseguest .
Sounds like maybe the jerk told her that bs or someone whos unfamiliar with such things.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
In some states, a person becomes a tenant and receives certain tenant rights after living at a residence for 30 days. Texas may be one of those states. Unfortunately, kicking him out may not be as easy as changing the locks.
I don't envy you this situation at all. Most people don't even know these types of laws exist until it's too late. (((Hugs)))
I don't envy you this situation at all. Most people don't even know these types of laws exist until it's too late. (((Hugs)))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I can tell you with certainty that, here in Virginia, if you have willingly allowed a person to stay in your home---you have to go through the eviction process. I have tried to kick someone out---and the police came and said that I had to let them stay. I could have been arrested for Not allowing this person access to his "home". It sucks--but, that is the law in Virginia.
However--he may not know this?? You can try changing the locks. All that will happen is that the police will come and tell you that you must let him in. Hopefully, he won't want to call the police!!!
dandylion
dandylion
However--he may not know this?? You can try changing the locks. All that will happen is that the police will come and tell you that you must let him in. Hopefully, he won't want to call the police!!!
dandylion
dandylion
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by dandylion
I can tell you with certainty that, here in Virginia, if you have willingly allowed a person to stay in your home---you have to go through the eviction process. I have tried to kick someone out---and the police came and said that I had to let them stay. I could have been arrested for Not allowing this person access to his "home". It sucks--but, that is the law in Virginia.
However--he may not know this?? You can try changing the locks. All that will happen is that the police will come and tell you that you must let him in. Hopefully, he won't want to call the police!!!
dandylion
dandylion
However--he may not know this?? You can try changing the locks. All that will happen is that the police will come and tell you that you must let him in. Hopefully, he won't want to call the police!!!
dandylion
dandylion
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
In some states, a person becomes a tenant and receives certain tenant rights after living at a residence for 30 days. Texas may be one of those states. Unfortunately, kicking him out may not be as easy as changing the locks.
I don't envy you this situation at all. Most people don't even know these types of laws exist until it's too late. (((Hugs)))
I don't envy you this situation at all. Most people don't even know these types of laws exist until it's too late. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Do you own or rent your house?
Where did you hear that thing about thirty days and changing the locks?
You might want to look up lawyers that deal with eviction and ask for a free phone consultation if you are unsure of your rights or what steps you need to take. Call a few and ask. I wonder if "tenant" would even apply to a boyfriend whose name isn't on the house. If you rent, and his name is not on the lease I would wonder the same, legally speaking. Do check though, as oral agreements are covered under the law. Just find out your rights, and what steps you need to take legally to get this ball rolling right out the door. Also find out your rights as far as his possessions. You probably have to give him notice about a time frame in which to collect his belongings, and if he fails to, you can THEN discard them. If this is the case, make sure to create a legal paper trail documenting that you gave him notice and opportunity to get his crap out of your home.
But just Google "Texas eviction lawyer" and call around to put your mind at ease. If all you need to do is tell him to get out under your circumstances, they can advise you of that and you can relax knowing legally there isn't a problem.
You can always get the cops to escort him out.
Do it now before it gets more complicated.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Where did you hear that thing about thirty days and changing the locks?
You might want to look up lawyers that deal with eviction and ask for a free phone consultation if you are unsure of your rights or what steps you need to take. Call a few and ask. I wonder if "tenant" would even apply to a boyfriend whose name isn't on the house. If you rent, and his name is not on the lease I would wonder the same, legally speaking. Do check though, as oral agreements are covered under the law. Just find out your rights, and what steps you need to take legally to get this ball rolling right out the door. Also find out your rights as far as his possessions. You probably have to give him notice about a time frame in which to collect his belongings, and if he fails to, you can THEN discard them. If this is the case, make sure to create a legal paper trail documenting that you gave him notice and opportunity to get his crap out of your home.
But just Google "Texas eviction lawyer" and call around to put your mind at ease. If all you need to do is tell him to get out under your circumstances, they can advise you of that and you can relax knowing legally there isn't a problem.
You can always get the cops to escort him out.
Do it now before it gets more complicated.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
From PROPERTY CODE**CHAPTER 92. RESIDENTIAL TENANCIES
"(6) "Tenant" means a person who is authorized by a lease to occupy a dwelling to the exclusion of others and, for the purposes of Subchapters D, E, and F, who is obligated under the lease to pay rent."
"(3) "Lease" means any written or oral agreement between a landlord and tenant that establishes or modifies the terms, conditions, rules or other provisions regarding the use or occupancy of a dwelling."
"(2) "Landlord" means the owner, lessor, or sublessor of a dwelling, but does not include a manager or agent of the landlord unless the manager or agent purports to be the owner, lessor, or sublessor in an oral or written lease."
"(1) "Dwelling" means one or more rooms rented for use as a permanent residence under a single lease to one or more tenants."
It would seem if he is not paying rent he's not a tenant, but please do a few phone consults with lawyers to be sure. And even if he isn't considered a tenant and all you have to do is order him to leave, still find out what the legal process is regarding his possessions.
From that same link, further down the page, Sec. 92.0081 REMOVAL OF PROPERTY AND EXCLUSION OF RESIDENTIAL TENANT might also be of interest.
Peace.
"(6) "Tenant" means a person who is authorized by a lease to occupy a dwelling to the exclusion of others and, for the purposes of Subchapters D, E, and F, who is obligated under the lease to pay rent."
"(3) "Lease" means any written or oral agreement between a landlord and tenant that establishes or modifies the terms, conditions, rules or other provisions regarding the use or occupancy of a dwelling."
"(2) "Landlord" means the owner, lessor, or sublessor of a dwelling, but does not include a manager or agent of the landlord unless the manager or agent purports to be the owner, lessor, or sublessor in an oral or written lease."
"(1) "Dwelling" means one or more rooms rented for use as a permanent residence under a single lease to one or more tenants."
It would seem if he is not paying rent he's not a tenant, but please do a few phone consults with lawyers to be sure. And even if he isn't considered a tenant and all you have to do is order him to leave, still find out what the legal process is regarding his possessions.
From that same link, further down the page, Sec. 92.0081 REMOVAL OF PROPERTY AND EXCLUSION OF RESIDENTIAL TENANT might also be of interest.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's not that he's considered a tenant after staying with you for 30 days.
It's not that YOU CAN'T change the locks on your own house.
It's not that you won't call the police and have this guest removed who is causing you and more importantly your children emotional harm.
It's simply your co-dependency and the inability to let go of this person.
Please put your children first in this situation and seek help in helping YOU get strong enough to let go.
It's not that YOU CAN'T change the locks on your own house.
It's not that you won't call the police and have this guest removed who is causing you and more importantly your children emotional harm.
It's simply your co-dependency and the inability to let go of this person.
Please put your children first in this situation and seek help in helping YOU get strong enough to let go.
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