new beginnings

I read the posts in this forum and for the most part it sounds as if each and everyone of these people was either married/ dated or was my AH. I do ind comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my experiences. But my question is this, if there are so many of these horrible abusive liars out there, are there any good ones? Is it only A ad the codependents left in the world? I'm beginning to wonder if there are people out there that treat people with kindness and actually do love you when they say they do. And honor the commitment of marriage.

Flicka57

I ask the same question--I have family members, close friends and co-workers who have stabbed me in the back whether they are an addict or not. It saddens me that it seems all too prevalent--no empathy for our fellow humans.

new beginnings

Not the respond I was hoping for but honesty is appreciated anytime! I guess all of us codependents need to stick together. And if we are the only ones that care about other people's feelings and are kind and try to lift people up then I am proud to be a codependent!

Flicka, I am sorry for people not being kind to you! You deserve to always be treated with kindness and respect!

BlueSkies1

That's black and white thinking.

Read up on it.

There is every imaginable version of mankind on this planet, and a whole lot more versions that even the most imaginative person on the planet couldn't come up with the real, non-fantasy, variations that are out there.

Florence

I asked my counselor once if there were people out there who didn't live like this. She laughed and assured me there were and that I could learn to be one of them.

Key: LEARN.

Since we grew up with bad relationship scripts, betrayal and dishonesty and anxiety and denial look normal to us. So unfortunately, we have to do the work to unlearn all the stuff we knew up to this point, and learn something new.

I'm getting there. I'm not there yet, but I at least see the way.

new beginnings

Thank you Florence! I have to recommit to learning to be healthy regardless of my marital situation.

Tuffgirl

I absolutely believe there are kind, compassionate, empathetic people in the world. I know many personally. But I will also acknowledge it seems there is more anger in the world today. Or maybe our global connection via the media and the internet allows us to easily see it far more often.

I absolutely believe I will meet a man with integrity, because I already know men who have it and live it every day. But in order to be able to recognize that, I have to live with integrity myself first.

I also believe when we focus on fixing whatever inside us that may need some work, we begin to attract healthier people.

DreamsofSerenity

I agree with TG that there is a lot of anger and stress in our society, and that standards for decent behavior have deteriorated. Just take lying for example: Politicians lie to us. The media lies to us. Expert witnesses lie in court for money. Everyone lies, and it's become practically socially acceptable. Or what about greed? Greed is almost thought of as an admirable quality in a person, and is often confused with ambition.

It's not really surprising we feel like we are surrounded by people we can't trust, but I also agree with TG that there are a lot of decent people . There really are everyday heroes living among us. I think the first step is to do what Ghandi recommended: Be the change you wish to see in the world. It's all we really can do anyway.

healthyagain

It is not bad to care. It is not bad to help people. I think this is what makes us human. But if you care too much and are not capable of saying "now, that's enough," you may get really really hurt. It is nice to have an inner filter and know what to let in and what to leave out. Healthy communication is very important too. Codependents sometimes want to help even when they are not asked to, as if they are buying love or something. If you know your values and your strengths, you do not need to prove anything to anyone. People should accept you and love you for who you are. If they do not, well . . . there is always someone in this world who will.

There are many many sweet people out there.

funkynassau

I am one of the lucky ones, and yes there are plenty like me. I am not the spouse or partner of an alcoholic, my run-in with one was as a friend. He was looking for someone to play guitar with, and I am a bass player, so we started our friendship based on music. Didnt take me long to figure out something was really wrong, but I'd had no interaction with a drunk on a consistent basis, so I didnt really understand it. Time taught me all I needed to know and I found myself regretting having ever met him.

He has just about all the characteristics that others here talk about, and it was beyond stressful and draining for me to have anything to do with him. Same crap different day, and I reached overload and found myself avoiding him and not answering the phone when it was him. Finally we had it out in a series of emails where I tried to be polite and explain that I was having trouble coping with his drinking. He got all defensive and told me there was no problem (!) and as much as it's not my personality to hurt anyone, I know I hurt him by not wanting anything to do with him. But I am more important to me than he ever was to me. We have had no contact since June. I made it a priority for me to keep reading here and learn to understand what alcoholism is all about.

I have a wonderful husband, we've been married for 31 yrs and have 2 great grown up kids. Hubby sometimes has a beer when it's hot outside, but he isnt much of a drinker and I dont drink much. He treats me like gold, and I feel the same about him. There are plenty of good men out there, you just have to look for them!

NYCDoglvr

Never say never, never say always. Active (and some recovering) alcoholics come with a lot of problems. As far as men in general there are some very good ones around, but certainly not enough.

new beginnings

Thank you funkynassau!! That is a wonderful inspirational love story! I'm glad you are happy! A wow what an amazing friend you truly are. Even though you don't have contact with him at this point, you have been dedicated to learning about his disease. And I don't know, but it sounds like you did exactly the best thing for him in his interest with the email. Thank you for sharing and giving the rest of us hope! I have witnessed amazing men and marriages in my foo. My parents have been married for 57 years! They are very much in love. My da is ten years older than my mom and treats her like a queen. My aunt and uncle were married 51 years before they passed. My grandparents on both sides the same. But it just seems lately I only hear about problems and not just on this site. Infidelity, abide, substance abuse etc. I was wondering if lasting and true love in a committed long term relationship was an old fashioned idea.

wiscsober

FYI Facts for Features — Unmarried and Single Americans Week Sept. 18-24, 2011 - Facts for Features & Special Editions - Newsroom - U.S. Census Bureau

There are tens of millions men who are emotionally well-rounded, sane, not addicted or alcoholic, responsible, have great work histories, decent relations with their families, own a car, haven't been arrested...and also looking for women with similar interests and histories.

According to the U.S. census there are 88 unmarried men to every 100 unmarried women.

Best to you....love will find a way.

spiderqueen

Also don't forget, as others often point out on SR, this forum is a crisis management platform for many, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't exactly mirror the normal, healthy population's relationship patterns.

There are many wonderful men and women out there, all looking for peaceful, loving partnerships. *she said with hopeful conviction!*

new beginnings

Well said spiderqueen, thank you!

JessicawithHope

My husband is an alcoholic and I can honestly say that we have never cheated on each other, don't have physical or mental abuse in our relationship, and have a deep meaning full love for each other. We have been married for 12 years and I will do whatever it takes to see him get healthy. He has a disease that needs a cure. He is his cure. I am his supporter. Not all people going through this have horrible relationships. We are just fighting to live with a horrible disease.

funkynassau

NewBeginnings - all of my family and hubby's family have remained married to their spouses, most people I know are in long term committed healthy relationships. The relationships that have an addict in them seem to me to be so very unhealthy and miserable in so many ways. One partner does not function like a normal human being, so the relationship is strained and brings everyone down that is in it.

I dont mean this in a mean way, but the majority of people on here are in a crisis of some sort and are mixed up with (usually) men who are just not good for them and they are trying very hard to sort out their lives. It's not normal stuff that is written about here, and sometimes it's hard for me, who is in a stable healthy relationship, to put myself in their shoes and try to understand it all.

My ex alkie friend was a real eye opener for me, I learned a lot in a hurry thanks to his lifestyle. I feel sorry for his elderly mother who lives with him and has to put up with his boozing and negativity etc. He would be no picnic to live with! I think he's doomed to a miserable life because he has no interest in quitting drinking. The downward spiral he's on just gets bigger and faster all the time. He is an intelligent, funny, clever person, who is fun to be around for the 2-3 hours per day he's sober, but holy cow is he unbearable once he pops the cap of that first beer. I had to break contact with him, and I know he has no other friends on the planet. He chases people away with his drinking. It's all so very sad.

LifeRecovery

New Beginnings-

As time went on, I had to realize that the problem was me.

I was attracted to those in crisis, to emotional ones (because I had not grown up with a lot of emotion), I confused emotional with emotional depth.

I strongly believe that "When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive." One of my best teachers has been the breakdown of the relationship that got me here.

Not because it was not hard, tumultuous and challenging, but for just those reasons.

I have not liked the lessons, but I have benefitted so much from the learnings.

I am learning about how I do it, what I do with it, and how I get to do it differently next time. I am grateful for recovery, because I now have a choice on who I meet and what to do with the red flags I see. I did not have a choice before because I could only see one path.

I have started to learn that I see what I am looking for in the world.

NWGRITS

This. I used to look at people in healthy relationships (happy families, happy partnerships) and think that I would never be able to achieve that, because that wasn't who I was. I didn't know how, so I didn't think it was possible.

I actually left my boyfriend (now husband) in the beginning because he was good to me and good FOR me. I freaked out, picked up my skirts, and RAN as fast as I could into an unhealthy relationship with someone who used me and cheated on me repeatedly. But that was comfortable for me, so I stuck it out for a whole year. I joke that my husband is the poster boy for detachment because that's exactly what he did with me. He knew that I needed to leave and hopefully find my own way, so he told me straight that he would be there whenever I decided I was done being treated like crap, but that he couldn't follow along with me. And he didn't. He let me go and then came to me when I had admitted I'd had enough of being beat down by life and started working a recovery program in Al-Anon. No "I told you so." Just pure compassion and love, and a real desire to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have gone No Contact with my AM, detached from my family, and worked on getting myself healthy and providing a great life for my kids.

So yes, there are good people out there. I still look around some days and wonder what I did to deserve all of this. Happiness and healthy relationships are possible. You have to do YOUR work first, though.

LifeRecovery

I should clarify also that I don't mean the only problem is me.

Even in the worst of it I don't deserve the behavior of another in the midst of the worst of their stuff.

I stayed there though...as long as I needed to because I believed I did deserve it, and that was mine to change.