Who sed SURRENDERING was easy?
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: QUeeNz,NoOYaWk
Posts: 205
Who sed SURRENDERING was easy?
Okay...some people say the first steps the easiest..Yea to say it is..But to actually believe it in your gut is a whole other story..
As the days and months go by..And im more a recovered addict then a junkie..I find more and more out about myself and this disease...And I was always looking down the list of steps..And thinking how am i gonna do that..And accepting a higher power..How was I to do that and why do i have to when i dont want god to be apart of it...Although ive learned to accept that a higher power doesnt have to do anything with god..It more or less about finally giving up control..And allowing somethings to be taken up by fate or as you can say a higher power..
But besides all that..I realized the first step been the hardest..Cause although i have sed Im an addict..and im powerless when it comes to my DOC..And i must surrender...I havent totally excepted it inside...Because i continue to fight it,...I continue to try and control...And that aint surrendering in my book...Surrendering..Is when you totally let go...And realize you cant fix it or work with it..and you move on and heal...But when you keep on going back...And trying to explain...And saying to yourself oh but if it gets to hard ill use..But just alil bit so i dont get out of control...That aint surrendering...And it doesnt have to be as easy and simple as that..I found signs more complicated...In the way i try and control how my loved ones except me and feel about me...And so on...I found out..it aint in our nature to lay down and give up..Especially us americans..Were raised to keep on fighting till our opponent is laying out cold...But with addiction it dont work that way..Everything we've learned and have done in the past must now be switch over to the exact opposite of what we would of done in response to that problem...So instead of knocking it cold..We must fight it without fighting it..allowing it to win...And saying i just cant compete...And for someone like me who has a dominating personality problem..HEHE..That is Fing hard to do..
But im learning..And as my counselor would say..At least you now know what the problem is...Ugh yea ive known of many problems..But the problem is i dont know how to change it..Or im too damn lazy...and hey i like running and hiding..Dope feels good to me..Its the consequences that get me turned off..If i could have my cake and eat it too..i wouldnt be sitting her typing...I wouldnt be on a methadone program..i be out using..and ignoring all that makes me uncomfortable..But life dont work that way..So here i am..Trying to figure out how to live now that I aint an active addict anymore..Who will i talk too..What will i do...? I still havent found answers to that after 2 yrs...It aint that easy making new friends when your an adult..Especially when as an addict you tend not to trust many people..Because in the past so many people have burned us..Gosh i couldnt even count how many times i found out someone stole bags from me...Knowing i be sick in the morning...Or people jippig me out of money..Or stealing my BF...Talking behind my back..Telling my secrets..And the list can go on...So how am i suppose to start trusting now..Although i know them friends were sick...And didnt mean it..and there are good people out there...And so on...I havent found any yet, I sometimes think i give off some vibe that says all weirdos and people who wanna hurt people and walk all over them..Come be my friend..Ahh..I just dont know theres too many problems..Too many things i wish i could change..
I know one thing at a time...And life is only bad if you allow it to be...Im not this negative usually...Its just my life hasnt been a bed of roses these past 2 yrs..its been an up hill battle..and not one i struggle alone with..I have my BF who was my using buddy..but followed me into recovery..Except to fall back into using but another drug...More dangerous then the first i feel...And through that i deal with my father whos an alkie...And abusive...And then theres myself..and everyone else that i deal with in the course of a day...So its very easy to get pissed and upset in my life..But if you spent time with me..Im quite happy and cheery..I dont want you to view me as some depressed miserable person...Im just having a hard day...
I been craving to use..and i get so pissed when i get into that feeling..But i cant stop it..So i try and ride it out..Sometimes it goes quickly this time its taking awhile to leave..I desperatly need a hobby..im knitting..Amd excersing..So thats helping..But because im still in my 20's..Im 23..I feel i should be living my life up and im not..I live a life of a 60yr old,..I sit all day at home...I only leave to see my bf or go to my meetings..and PG..The rest i sit and watch t.v. and knit my scarf...I just joined a gym..Which will take only a hour up...See my problem is im a really hyper person..Thats why i loved heroin so much cause it calmed me down..Doctors have sed we do try and self medicate because something is off chemically in our bodies..And i think i might suffer from add..Cause im always bouncing off the walls..And i hardly sleep..Look its almost 3 am..And im still typing...I think its also pent up excitement and thought since 7 yrs i was in a nod...Ugh..Im a basket case..i hope my post made you guys feel like you aint as crazy or bad as you thought..HEHE..I wish you guys a good memorial weekend and a sober one...I will shut up now....And i hope you aint asleep because of my long post..Ahh im just playing around...Feel free to PM me if you need someone to lisiten...And to all the newbies WELCOME..You found the perfect place..Keep coming back..
As the days and months go by..And im more a recovered addict then a junkie..I find more and more out about myself and this disease...And I was always looking down the list of steps..And thinking how am i gonna do that..And accepting a higher power..How was I to do that and why do i have to when i dont want god to be apart of it...Although ive learned to accept that a higher power doesnt have to do anything with god..It more or less about finally giving up control..And allowing somethings to be taken up by fate or as you can say a higher power..
But besides all that..I realized the first step been the hardest..Cause although i have sed Im an addict..and im powerless when it comes to my DOC..And i must surrender...I havent totally excepted it inside...Because i continue to fight it,...I continue to try and control...And that aint surrendering in my book...Surrendering..Is when you totally let go...And realize you cant fix it or work with it..and you move on and heal...But when you keep on going back...And trying to explain...And saying to yourself oh but if it gets to hard ill use..But just alil bit so i dont get out of control...That aint surrendering...And it doesnt have to be as easy and simple as that..I found signs more complicated...In the way i try and control how my loved ones except me and feel about me...And so on...I found out..it aint in our nature to lay down and give up..Especially us americans..Were raised to keep on fighting till our opponent is laying out cold...But with addiction it dont work that way..Everything we've learned and have done in the past must now be switch over to the exact opposite of what we would of done in response to that problem...So instead of knocking it cold..We must fight it without fighting it..allowing it to win...And saying i just cant compete...And for someone like me who has a dominating personality problem..HEHE..That is Fing hard to do..
But im learning..And as my counselor would say..At least you now know what the problem is...Ugh yea ive known of many problems..But the problem is i dont know how to change it..Or im too damn lazy...and hey i like running and hiding..Dope feels good to me..Its the consequences that get me turned off..If i could have my cake and eat it too..i wouldnt be sitting her typing...I wouldnt be on a methadone program..i be out using..and ignoring all that makes me uncomfortable..But life dont work that way..So here i am..Trying to figure out how to live now that I aint an active addict anymore..Who will i talk too..What will i do...? I still havent found answers to that after 2 yrs...It aint that easy making new friends when your an adult..Especially when as an addict you tend not to trust many people..Because in the past so many people have burned us..Gosh i couldnt even count how many times i found out someone stole bags from me...Knowing i be sick in the morning...Or people jippig me out of money..Or stealing my BF...Talking behind my back..Telling my secrets..And the list can go on...So how am i suppose to start trusting now..Although i know them friends were sick...And didnt mean it..and there are good people out there...And so on...I havent found any yet, I sometimes think i give off some vibe that says all weirdos and people who wanna hurt people and walk all over them..Come be my friend..Ahh..I just dont know theres too many problems..Too many things i wish i could change..
I know one thing at a time...And life is only bad if you allow it to be...Im not this negative usually...Its just my life hasnt been a bed of roses these past 2 yrs..its been an up hill battle..and not one i struggle alone with..I have my BF who was my using buddy..but followed me into recovery..Except to fall back into using but another drug...More dangerous then the first i feel...And through that i deal with my father whos an alkie...And abusive...And then theres myself..and everyone else that i deal with in the course of a day...So its very easy to get pissed and upset in my life..But if you spent time with me..Im quite happy and cheery..I dont want you to view me as some depressed miserable person...Im just having a hard day...
I been craving to use..and i get so pissed when i get into that feeling..But i cant stop it..So i try and ride it out..Sometimes it goes quickly this time its taking awhile to leave..I desperatly need a hobby..im knitting..Amd excersing..So thats helping..But because im still in my 20's..Im 23..I feel i should be living my life up and im not..I live a life of a 60yr old,..I sit all day at home...I only leave to see my bf or go to my meetings..and PG..The rest i sit and watch t.v. and knit my scarf...I just joined a gym..Which will take only a hour up...See my problem is im a really hyper person..Thats why i loved heroin so much cause it calmed me down..Doctors have sed we do try and self medicate because something is off chemically in our bodies..And i think i might suffer from add..Cause im always bouncing off the walls..And i hardly sleep..Look its almost 3 am..And im still typing...I think its also pent up excitement and thought since 7 yrs i was in a nod...Ugh..Im a basket case..i hope my post made you guys feel like you aint as crazy or bad as you thought..HEHE..I wish you guys a good memorial weekend and a sober one...I will shut up now....And i hope you aint asleep because of my long post..Ahh im just playing around...Feel free to PM me if you need someone to lisiten...And to all the newbies WELCOME..You found the perfect place..Keep coming back..
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((WishIsedno)))))
Yea surrender is for those of us who can finally addmit that their a$$ has been thourghly kicked and some of us have to lay face down in the dirt with a 1000 horses trampling over their back and then some still keep digging. I know I did. After a while I got tired of breathing the cesspool I landed in. I am terrible and stubborn boy the hard lesson I had to learn. Have I learned to identify smell yet? Sometimes I go all the way to the edge before the stench starts burning my nose and turning my stomach. I am trying to build a fence of barbed wire around my cesspool cause some how it calls to me and I still want to go there.
I am working the 11th step again and it is my favorite one I think cause it always makes me happy to work it and talk about it in group.
Alot of people try to put their HP in some kind of bag. I found my HP at a very young age. My HP loves me and is always there for me. It is the will of my HP that I be well. Can you imagine that kind of HP for yourself? Or what kind of HP do you want?
I agree the 1st step is the hardest.
Yea surrender is for those of us who can finally addmit that their a$$ has been thourghly kicked and some of us have to lay face down in the dirt with a 1000 horses trampling over their back and then some still keep digging. I know I did. After a while I got tired of breathing the cesspool I landed in. I am terrible and stubborn boy the hard lesson I had to learn. Have I learned to identify smell yet? Sometimes I go all the way to the edge before the stench starts burning my nose and turning my stomach. I am trying to build a fence of barbed wire around my cesspool cause some how it calls to me and I still want to go there.
I am working the 11th step again and it is my favorite one I think cause it always makes me happy to work it and talk about it in group.
Alot of people try to put their HP in some kind of bag. I found my HP at a very young age. My HP loves me and is always there for me. It is the will of my HP that I be well. Can you imagine that kind of HP for yourself? Or what kind of HP do you want?
I agree the 1st step is the hardest.
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
wishIsaidno. i have never taken the horse i am primaraly a booze hound. i have used many other substances and most of them were very addictive to me. i am so damn lazy that booze was just the easiest drug to get. i am not new to all of this being sober and all. i did have had 12 years of being sober. then i blew it all and allowed myself a mistake that i have mostly regretted but kept on drinking anyway.
now i am battleing myself all the time. the addict is a very strong opponent and i lack in self confidance. i have been able to put a week and a few days sober together. it is not easy it is a daily struggle and as i am writing this i am feeling its urge to just give in and throw in the towel.
i am really tired of all the pain that i cause myself when i drink. i dont want it any more and at the same time i would just love to have a bottle open and drink and drink. no that is a lie. that is not true i would rather have a cup of hot tea then a drink. the addict that is i likes to confuse me all the time. i got to count my blessings. today my biggest blessing will be to go to sleep sober. my addict says the day is long. i get the last word though. today i will not drink.
now i am battleing myself all the time. the addict is a very strong opponent and i lack in self confidance. i have been able to put a week and a few days sober together. it is not easy it is a daily struggle and as i am writing this i am feeling its urge to just give in and throw in the towel.
i am really tired of all the pain that i cause myself when i drink. i dont want it any more and at the same time i would just love to have a bottle open and drink and drink. no that is a lie. that is not true i would rather have a cup of hot tea then a drink. the addict that is i likes to confuse me all the time. i got to count my blessings. today my biggest blessing will be to go to sleep sober. my addict says the day is long. i get the last word though. today i will not drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by splendra
(((((WishIsedno)))))
Yea surrender is for those of us who can finally addmit that their a$$ has been thourghly kicked and some of us have to lay face down in the dirt with a 1000 horses trampling over their back and then some still keep digging. I know I did. After a while I got tired of breathing the cesspool I landed in. I am terrible and stubborn boy the hard lesson I had to learn. Have I learned to identify smell yet? Sometimes I go all the way to the edge before the stench starts burning my nose and turning my stomach. I am trying to build a fence of barbed wire around my cesspool cause some how it calls to me and I still want to go there. Snip...
Yea surrender is for those of us who can finally addmit that their a$$ has been thourghly kicked and some of us have to lay face down in the dirt with a 1000 horses trampling over their back and then some still keep digging. I know I did. After a while I got tired of breathing the cesspool I landed in. I am terrible and stubborn boy the hard lesson I had to learn. Have I learned to identify smell yet? Sometimes I go all the way to the edge before the stench starts burning my nose and turning my stomach. I am trying to build a fence of barbed wire around my cesspool cause some how it calls to me and I still want to go there. Snip...
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: QUeeNz,NoOYaWk
Posts: 205
I know about alcohol all too well..I started with alcohol...I use to drink non-stop..Me and my friend would fill baby bottles filled with bacardi straight..I would be drunk and think i was normal..But my friends started seeing the problem..And they didnt like it...And because they were so important to me i stopped but substitued it with pot...And then i moved quickly down the line of drugs..Till i got to heroin..
Now i deal with my father whos a drunk..A bad one at that..And he drives me insane..All day long he drinks..Now that my mom doesnt allow alcohol in the house he goes to the bar...He comes home usually around 10pm..Stubbling and yelling and cursing about something he dont like..Ugh hes coming in now..Cause he wants money...My mom went to go get some at the bank...He stood up all morning making noise and bitching cause he wanted her to get up and give him money for more alcohol...It makes me cringe a 58 yr old man who wasnt like this as i grew up...To sit there and make excuses why hes pension check is gone...And why he needs 50 bucks from her...It reminded me of the days when i was active and i be saying anything to get money from her..But i was 18 and hes 58...I didnt have a pension check for 2000 coming to me every month...He spends 1200 in 2 weeks on nothing but alcohol..and gambling on the horses..He also still works in construction..We dont see a dime of that..he bitches about no dinner...and why she dont buy him clothes anymore..Well since he doesnt want her to touch his money and shes footing the bill for the house and everything else without his help..He should be able to take care of himself instead of sitting around drinking it away...And the drinking wouldnt be so bad..I know what its like to fall in the whole and cant get out..But its the way he treats us..We've always loved him..He was always my favorite...But now he tells me what a bitch i am..How fat and bad i look...How im always gonna be a junkie and i should just go and kill myself since im doing it anyways...He dont even acknowledge that ive been clean and in a program for 2 yrs..But when i was using he treat me good...my mom was the only one pulling her hair out...Its like he enjoyed it when i was using because he wasnt looked at..Now im clean we see how weird hes acting..i think hes been drinking for a long time its just we never saw it..He was a cop for 21 yrs..He would work weird hours we hardly ever saw him,,Only on the weekends..But then from his gambling he took a secound job as a cabbie and thats when he became even more distant too us..But still when he'd be home he was nice at least most of the time..He did have fits from time to time..but we thought people need to let off steam sometimes..But since hes retired 7 yrs ago..Hes been hell..Gets worse each year that goes by...
Now dont think im just hating him...I love him..And i know what its like to be addicted and to hate yourself..And been regretful and wanting to forget your past..or whatever makes you feel pain..But were the only ones who love him..I dont get why hes so mean..For no reason either..Its like he just wants to make us hurt like him..I just dont get it if he hates us so much he should leave...But he wont..I think its cause its more comfortable to be able to spend your whole check on yourself and your DOC..Then having to spend it on rent and such...So hes getting a free ride here..And bring us down with him...
I feel so torn..Cause i know what its like to be an addict..And having people treat you like crap..and feel misunderstood..And want to change but cant...And then i now know what its like to love someone and have them destroy themselves and be stuck in denial...and treat you like sh*t...Ahh i just dont want any of it...Its all a bunch of crap...Well im off I dont wanna sit here much longer hes already bugging me why my moms taking so long...I remember being in his spot..But i use to go with my mom to the cash machine cause i couldnt wait...Its crazy..Me and him are both sick in the head..At least i know i aint alone in it..Jackie
Now i deal with my father whos a drunk..A bad one at that..And he drives me insane..All day long he drinks..Now that my mom doesnt allow alcohol in the house he goes to the bar...He comes home usually around 10pm..Stubbling and yelling and cursing about something he dont like..Ugh hes coming in now..Cause he wants money...My mom went to go get some at the bank...He stood up all morning making noise and bitching cause he wanted her to get up and give him money for more alcohol...It makes me cringe a 58 yr old man who wasnt like this as i grew up...To sit there and make excuses why hes pension check is gone...And why he needs 50 bucks from her...It reminded me of the days when i was active and i be saying anything to get money from her..But i was 18 and hes 58...I didnt have a pension check for 2000 coming to me every month...He spends 1200 in 2 weeks on nothing but alcohol..and gambling on the horses..He also still works in construction..We dont see a dime of that..he bitches about no dinner...and why she dont buy him clothes anymore..Well since he doesnt want her to touch his money and shes footing the bill for the house and everything else without his help..He should be able to take care of himself instead of sitting around drinking it away...And the drinking wouldnt be so bad..I know what its like to fall in the whole and cant get out..But its the way he treats us..We've always loved him..He was always my favorite...But now he tells me what a bitch i am..How fat and bad i look...How im always gonna be a junkie and i should just go and kill myself since im doing it anyways...He dont even acknowledge that ive been clean and in a program for 2 yrs..But when i was using he treat me good...my mom was the only one pulling her hair out...Its like he enjoyed it when i was using because he wasnt looked at..Now im clean we see how weird hes acting..i think hes been drinking for a long time its just we never saw it..He was a cop for 21 yrs..He would work weird hours we hardly ever saw him,,Only on the weekends..But then from his gambling he took a secound job as a cabbie and thats when he became even more distant too us..But still when he'd be home he was nice at least most of the time..He did have fits from time to time..but we thought people need to let off steam sometimes..But since hes retired 7 yrs ago..Hes been hell..Gets worse each year that goes by...
Now dont think im just hating him...I love him..And i know what its like to be addicted and to hate yourself..And been regretful and wanting to forget your past..or whatever makes you feel pain..But were the only ones who love him..I dont get why hes so mean..For no reason either..Its like he just wants to make us hurt like him..I just dont get it if he hates us so much he should leave...But he wont..I think its cause its more comfortable to be able to spend your whole check on yourself and your DOC..Then having to spend it on rent and such...So hes getting a free ride here..And bring us down with him...
I feel so torn..Cause i know what its like to be an addict..And having people treat you like crap..and feel misunderstood..And want to change but cant...And then i now know what its like to love someone and have them destroy themselves and be stuck in denial...and treat you like sh*t...Ahh i just dont want any of it...Its all a bunch of crap...Well im off I dont wanna sit here much longer hes already bugging me why my moms taking so long...I remember being in his spot..But i use to go with my mom to the cash machine cause i couldnt wait...Its crazy..Me and him are both sick in the head..At least i know i aint alone in it..Jackie
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