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Not even sure where to begin...

Old 08-29-2013, 12:05 PM
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Not even sure where to begin...

I don't want to do a medical detox. I don't want it to be permanently on my medical record that I am an alcoholic. I also don't want to die of alcoholism and continue drinking. I believe that if I truly want to make a change, I can do it (I did it with a severe opiate addiction). I might fail multiple times, but I am determined to make a change and not wallow in my liquid despair. Even with my lifelong struggle (I'm 40) with alcohol, I have managed to stop for significant periods of time (in excess of a year). I'm committed to doing it again. I have never been so worried about the physiological impact that self-detoxing would make on my body, but this time I am truly afraid. I really hope someone actually reads this and is willing to respond with any words of encouragement or support.

It has taken me until this moment for me to figure out that I need to stop drinking. Sure, I've said it hundreds and thousands of times. Then, in the last year or so, I've finally resolved "I AM AN ALCOHOLIC" and that gave me a newfound freedom to just stop worrying about starting or stopping. About six months ago, I was diagnosed with chronic Hepatitis C genotype 1B. Back in April of this year, I finally had a liver biopsy. Two weeks ago, my doctor finally managed to read my report correctly (he forgets who I am every time I have an appointment and makes mistakes constantly when discussing my medical history). At the beginning of the appointment, he told me that I could wait for another year or so to start treatment and there would be more medication options to help me clear the virus or put it into remission. He asked if I had a liver biopsy and that made me want to wring him around the neck. I've been in there almost biweekly since APRIL! So he looks at the pathology reports and determines that he had overlooked how bad my condition was and that I am currently between Stage 3 and 4 (end stage liver disease) with steatosis and bridging fibrosis and insisted that this was my only window of opportunity and that I must start a 48 WEEK triple therapy of Incivek, peg-Interferon and Ribavirin IMMEDIATELY (for those of you that aren't familiar - THIS IS CHEMOTHERAPY). I am already in severely poor health condition. I have severe malabsorption syndrome (due to a total of 6 GI surgeries for small bowel obstructions and resections), non-specified seizure disorder, IBS, chronic nausea and vomiting, etc., etc. For anyone that chronically abuses alcohol like I do, obviously, I am making the problem rapidly worse. I think my GI specialist is overlooking my health history, and I still am unable to admit to my health providers that I abuse alcohol in large quantities daily. My liver and pancreas hurt every day. My skin burns and I feel disoriented. I can tell the alcohol is definitely making this worse. Typically I drink between 1/2 pint to 1-1/2 pints of 100 proof vodka daily. Some days, when I become depressed about my drinking, I might skip a period of 12-18 hours, or I might drink 2-3 beers and feel like I've made a huge cut back. It needs to change now though. I was hospitalized for surgeries and rehabilitation from them two years ago (total period of nine months). At the end I lived in assisted living facility. Towards the last part of it, when I resumed driving, I started bringing alcohol into my room. So, I have not stopped drinking since about September 2011. Before that hospitalization I was drinking up to 1/2 pint (3 pints on binge days) for approximately 2 years. Prior to that I was in recovery from opiate addiction and drank occasionally (once every week or two, maybe a half a bottle of wine). I started my drinking career when I was about 11 or 12, and have gone back and forth from no use at all, to it just being a weekend thing (with small to moderate consumption), spattered with 6 months to 2 years of daily excessive drinking. I have never stopped cold turkey during such a heavy period, but it also looks like tapering might not work. As of this moment, 3PM, I have not had a drink in 13 hours, and yesterday, just 3 beers.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:20 PM
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Welcome to SR,Joy2.
Glad you found this site.I have been here for only a month and this place has helped me a lot with sobriety.
I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so much with your health.
It's also good news to hear that you have stopped and plan to do what you can to never drink alcohol again.
When those cravings come along this is a really good place to ride it out.
Was there anything that your doctor could give you to help with detox?Do you think you'll be okay going through it?I hope you have somebody there to keep an eye on you while you're going through it.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:30 PM
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Joy I hope you can hang in there. I found out that it didn't matter what I did or didn't like or want as we need to accept certain things. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is controlled simply by NOT drinking one day at a time without all the BS we convince ourselves of. If needed whether we like it or not a detox MAY BE needed for our own safety as this substance is in no way a health drink and destroys body tissues. A very important thing is getting honest about our drinking as we have a very strong tendency to lie to ourselves and our drinking, like it wasn't that bad, I'll only have 1, I'll only have one at dinner and on and on. There is a lot of help on these pages for those willing to get sober for themselves. BE WELL
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:33 PM
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Do you have any other doctors or specialists you could talk to? This doctor you've been seeing - is it a family practitioner? I would want a liver specialist to determine a hep C regimen. Have you hidden your alcoholism from your physicians? That's something they need to know. I don't have a lot of practical advice, other than perhaps try to get in to see a new doctor who is competent. I'm glad you are posting here.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:34 PM
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Joy2every1 - you have to tell the truth. If this doctor never asked he's an idiot, and if he asked and you lied, well we alcoholics are brilliant liars. But now it is time to tell the truth. Before you start radical treatments like chemo, you need to detox. Find another doctor if this guys is an idiot. I'd get a second opinion about the chemo anyway, so you might as well do some research, find another doctor, and tell the truth. You clearly realize you could die. The truth could save your life.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:34 PM
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Welcome to SR. You have been given some real struggles to deal with.

Originally Posted by joy2every1 View Post
I don't want to do a medical detox. I don't want it to be permanently on my medical record that I am an alcoholic.
I hope you will reconsider a detox. Medical records are private, so what is your worry?

Look at it this way. Would you rather have alcoholic on your medical records or on your death certificate? Because a bad detox can lead to the latter.
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Old 08-29-2013, 01:04 PM
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I'm so sorry that this is going on. You must be a strong person to have survived all that you have so far. Doggonecarl is right though, it's time to go through a medical detox. At this point, who cares what anyone thinks...your LIFE is at stake! Believe me, the fact that you've been hiding this monster won't matter one bit when you're DEAD!

You've been sober for some long stretches before, so you must know what a different life living without alcohol is. Have you thought about what it is that makes you return to drinking? Unfortunately, I think your decision has been made for you though. You must know in your heart that you either give up alcohol or give up completely. You've got some life changing medical knowledge about yourself now, and a condition that dictates a sober life, or no life.

Of course people are reading your story! That's what people do here. And they care, too! I hope that you will choose to surrender and walk away from alcoholism. Please keep writing!
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Old 08-29-2013, 02:14 PM
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welcome Joy

I think Carl makes a really great point - I hope you'll decide to be honest with your Dr.

If your current Dr is not satisfactory to you, find a new one - it's your life in their hands, y'know?

D
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