I can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 8
I can do it.
Last May (2012) I finally flipped. I was traveling with my wife, son, and two close friends to take a mini-vacation. We were going to visit a brewery. Somehow I got completely blotto in the hotel room after the brewery tour... I completely lost my mind, was violent, insanely angry, etc. I'm not completely sure why.
The cops came. My wife and son left with my friends... it was horrible. I really acted insane... out of my freaking mind!
That was a bit of a wake up call for me, and I quit drinking immediately. It had been getting pretty bad, but this was a serious **** up. My plan was to not drink for exactly one year, and guess what? I did it! Great!
During that year of sobriety from alcohol, I managed to increase my weed intake, smoking every single day after work. I didn't drink, but I was still messing with my motivation, creativity, and memory. It wasn't a great year for me, even though I wasn't drinking.
I was sooooo looking forward to "being able" to drink again. How stupid I was.
The year passed, and I decided I'd start drinking again. I'd "proven" to myself that I could "control" my drinking. In fact, all I'd proven was that I could stay sober if I really wanted to. My drinking problem was still there.
Anyway, I was unhappy. For a long time I'd been getting more negative and pessimistic about everything. I'm not saying I constantly vocalized pessimism, but my thoughts were just dark, and negative. It was affecting my relationship with my wife, and restarting drinking didn't help that.
Finally, I got laid off from my job of 12 years. I was devastated; it was like loosing a family member (almost that bad). My wife was there to support me, but I was a total wreck.
I'd begin drinking again, and it wasn't helping. I felt totally hopeless.
And then the other shoe dropped: my wife left me. I'm not 100% sure it was because of the drinking. It may have been fear; I was making wild plans to move to the UK where we could start a new life, etc. I think she was scared that I was getting out of control with the booze again: I was drowning in self-pity and white wine.
So, two weeks after I lost my job, my wife leaves (taking my son).
Here I was, completely alone in my big apartment, unemployed, but surviving of of my severance.
I'd never been so depressed in my life. I laid on the couch, didn't see anyone, and completely lost all hope. I did this for three months solid. My wife didn't come back She didn't communicate with me at all, actually, other than to arrange for me to care for our son half of the time.
I finally reached out to a friend who'd offered me a job a few months before I got laid-off (I'd declined out of loyalty to my old employer... stupid me).
I negotiated a serious increase in my salary. I figured, "**** it. I've got nothing to loose". I basically got myself a 120% raise, more than doubling my salary!
Awesome? Sure, it was great. I was able to pay off all of my bills, and blow cash on new crap that I didn't need.... But none of it; not one damn bit of it made me happier. At this point I was still drinking, though not very heavily.
My new job allowed (still allows) me to work from home, which has it's own issues. I really didn't have face-to-face contact with people the majority of the time. I became more isolated than I had been. The money was rolling in, but I wasn't any happier.
I made a few business trips out to California and Pennsylvania, and that's where things started to crack; I got way too drunk with my new coworkers. I made an ass of my self a few times, and my boss saw it. He's cool, so he chalked it up to the split with my wife. It was not what I wanted to do, and not how I wanted to portray myself to others. I was embarassed, and felt like a fool.
The problem was my drinking problem; I can't stop once I start (a common drinking problem). I kept telling myself that I'd be in control "the next time". I never was in control. I was lying to myself.
This burdened my mind greatly, and only added to my depression and stress. So, as a typical idiot would do, I started drinking more at home (alone, of course).
This went on for a while. Months. I started drinking a "little bit" during the work day.
Then I started drinking a little more. Finally, I found myself ****-faced in a teleconference with our Asian team. I insulted someone (don't remember who), and others in the meeting began to think that maybe I was drunk! I spoke with the boss... we chalked it up to a misunderstanding. Of course I never admitted to being drunk in the meeting.
On the next business trip I managed to make an ass of myself, again. My boss took serious note of it this time. He knew I'd quit drinking for a year in the past, so I guess he suspected what was happening. I told him I was going on the wagon again. I lied.
I started drinking more and more. I was basically drinking a pint of Absolut every day, and smoking weed constantly all day. My work suffered greatly. I was totally unproductive, but able to ******** my way around it all.
This went on for months. I kept getting further and further behind in my work responsibilities, but managed to ******** around it, though my BS was getting less effective. I was letting my apartment turn into a ********. I didn't go out, visit friends, do anything at all. All I did was "work", drink, and smoke weed. I had my son half of the time (he's seven), which I know is wrong, but in some strange way, when he was here and I was drinking, it felt almost like my family was still whole. I could ignore the fact that my wife was gone, and that I was totally alone. My parents are both dead, as is my sister. My remaining sister and I don't really get along, so family was an absent quantity.
My lack of productivity finally caught up with me; last week my boss asked me to give hourly timesheets for what I'm working on. I realized that I was on my way out. I didn't expect the job to last forever since I'm a consultant, and my whole role at the company is to get it sold. But, I'd hoped to hang on to it for as long as I could.
This was pretty serious news for me. But wait! There's more!
I got a message from one of my sister's friends on Facebook, telling me that my sister was turning into a raging alcoholic. She relayed some pretty sad stories to me. WTF? I knew my sis had some drinking issues, but not as severe as what was being described.
I hadn't visited my sister in five years. Not since I spent three months giving hospice care to my father as he died from prostate cancer. We talked on the phone with some frequency, but I hadn't seen her. My father's death was very hard on me, and the thought of visiting that house where my sister lived and where my father died wasn't something I wanted to do.
Anyway, here I was; totally depressed, lacking in any motivation, a compete drunk and pothead, with an alcoholic sister who's life was also spinning out of control. How was I supposed to be able to help her if I couldn't help myself?
That night, last Thursday, I figured, "**** it", and bought a fifth instead of a pint. I finished the fifth, with my son in the apartment. This was my last hurrah.
The next day I decided that I was done with the booze and weed. I've proven to myself that I can abstain. Now I know that it has to be forever, and not with some future goal of drinking again.
I look back on my life, and when I remember the worst things I've done, they've all been when I was drunk, without exception. I won't be able to be there for my son or my sister if I continue in that direction.
I've been sober for six days now (I hadn't gone more that three days sober for months). This time it's not a "break" from drinking; it's a change in my life. I want to be the person I know I can be, and not the drunk who makes a fool of himself.
I've been cleaning up my apartment for days, and it's getting better. The weed is gone. The booze is gone. I know I can do it since I have in the past. The difference is that my reward for doing it this time is not to drink again; it's to have a better, more fulfilling life.
I'm going to pull myself out of isolation next. If I don't get dropped from my client, I'll make more of an effort to do my best. The fog is not gone yet, but I know it will clear up. Getting rid of the weed is making a difference already.
So, while I was cleaning under the couch, I found two empty bottles of Jim Beam. Not surprising. I also found a half-full bottle of Bullit (bourbon). I'd been drinking iced tea while I was cleaning. I put the empties in the trash, but for some reason, the Bullit stayed on the table.
I poured it all into my glass of iced tea and looked at it. I was excited at the thought of the alcohol warming my mouth, throat, belly, and mind. Then I carried the glass into the kitchen and pored it down the sink.
Never again. Not "just one". Not "only tonight". Not "just until" some future time.
I am done.
I have one friend, an old friend, very close, who is there for me when I need him. He's 500 miles away, but you get my meaning. I've told him what I'm doing. Its a good thing to have someone proud of you. Doing it totally alone is tough (not impossible), so it helps to have a friend.
Now I have this board as well, where we're all on a journey to take control of our lives.
Hello.
The cops came. My wife and son left with my friends... it was horrible. I really acted insane... out of my freaking mind!
That was a bit of a wake up call for me, and I quit drinking immediately. It had been getting pretty bad, but this was a serious **** up. My plan was to not drink for exactly one year, and guess what? I did it! Great!
During that year of sobriety from alcohol, I managed to increase my weed intake, smoking every single day after work. I didn't drink, but I was still messing with my motivation, creativity, and memory. It wasn't a great year for me, even though I wasn't drinking.
I was sooooo looking forward to "being able" to drink again. How stupid I was.
The year passed, and I decided I'd start drinking again. I'd "proven" to myself that I could "control" my drinking. In fact, all I'd proven was that I could stay sober if I really wanted to. My drinking problem was still there.
Anyway, I was unhappy. For a long time I'd been getting more negative and pessimistic about everything. I'm not saying I constantly vocalized pessimism, but my thoughts were just dark, and negative. It was affecting my relationship with my wife, and restarting drinking didn't help that.
Finally, I got laid off from my job of 12 years. I was devastated; it was like loosing a family member (almost that bad). My wife was there to support me, but I was a total wreck.
I'd begin drinking again, and it wasn't helping. I felt totally hopeless.
And then the other shoe dropped: my wife left me. I'm not 100% sure it was because of the drinking. It may have been fear; I was making wild plans to move to the UK where we could start a new life, etc. I think she was scared that I was getting out of control with the booze again: I was drowning in self-pity and white wine.
So, two weeks after I lost my job, my wife leaves (taking my son).
Here I was, completely alone in my big apartment, unemployed, but surviving of of my severance.
I'd never been so depressed in my life. I laid on the couch, didn't see anyone, and completely lost all hope. I did this for three months solid. My wife didn't come back She didn't communicate with me at all, actually, other than to arrange for me to care for our son half of the time.
I finally reached out to a friend who'd offered me a job a few months before I got laid-off (I'd declined out of loyalty to my old employer... stupid me).
I negotiated a serious increase in my salary. I figured, "**** it. I've got nothing to loose". I basically got myself a 120% raise, more than doubling my salary!
Awesome? Sure, it was great. I was able to pay off all of my bills, and blow cash on new crap that I didn't need.... But none of it; not one damn bit of it made me happier. At this point I was still drinking, though not very heavily.
My new job allowed (still allows) me to work from home, which has it's own issues. I really didn't have face-to-face contact with people the majority of the time. I became more isolated than I had been. The money was rolling in, but I wasn't any happier.
I made a few business trips out to California and Pennsylvania, and that's where things started to crack; I got way too drunk with my new coworkers. I made an ass of my self a few times, and my boss saw it. He's cool, so he chalked it up to the split with my wife. It was not what I wanted to do, and not how I wanted to portray myself to others. I was embarassed, and felt like a fool.
The problem was my drinking problem; I can't stop once I start (a common drinking problem). I kept telling myself that I'd be in control "the next time". I never was in control. I was lying to myself.
This burdened my mind greatly, and only added to my depression and stress. So, as a typical idiot would do, I started drinking more at home (alone, of course).
This went on for a while. Months. I started drinking a "little bit" during the work day.
Then I started drinking a little more. Finally, I found myself ****-faced in a teleconference with our Asian team. I insulted someone (don't remember who), and others in the meeting began to think that maybe I was drunk! I spoke with the boss... we chalked it up to a misunderstanding. Of course I never admitted to being drunk in the meeting.
On the next business trip I managed to make an ass of myself, again. My boss took serious note of it this time. He knew I'd quit drinking for a year in the past, so I guess he suspected what was happening. I told him I was going on the wagon again. I lied.
I started drinking more and more. I was basically drinking a pint of Absolut every day, and smoking weed constantly all day. My work suffered greatly. I was totally unproductive, but able to ******** my way around it all.
This went on for months. I kept getting further and further behind in my work responsibilities, but managed to ******** around it, though my BS was getting less effective. I was letting my apartment turn into a ********. I didn't go out, visit friends, do anything at all. All I did was "work", drink, and smoke weed. I had my son half of the time (he's seven), which I know is wrong, but in some strange way, when he was here and I was drinking, it felt almost like my family was still whole. I could ignore the fact that my wife was gone, and that I was totally alone. My parents are both dead, as is my sister. My remaining sister and I don't really get along, so family was an absent quantity.
My lack of productivity finally caught up with me; last week my boss asked me to give hourly timesheets for what I'm working on. I realized that I was on my way out. I didn't expect the job to last forever since I'm a consultant, and my whole role at the company is to get it sold. But, I'd hoped to hang on to it for as long as I could.
This was pretty serious news for me. But wait! There's more!
I got a message from one of my sister's friends on Facebook, telling me that my sister was turning into a raging alcoholic. She relayed some pretty sad stories to me. WTF? I knew my sis had some drinking issues, but not as severe as what was being described.
I hadn't visited my sister in five years. Not since I spent three months giving hospice care to my father as he died from prostate cancer. We talked on the phone with some frequency, but I hadn't seen her. My father's death was very hard on me, and the thought of visiting that house where my sister lived and where my father died wasn't something I wanted to do.
Anyway, here I was; totally depressed, lacking in any motivation, a compete drunk and pothead, with an alcoholic sister who's life was also spinning out of control. How was I supposed to be able to help her if I couldn't help myself?
That night, last Thursday, I figured, "**** it", and bought a fifth instead of a pint. I finished the fifth, with my son in the apartment. This was my last hurrah.
The next day I decided that I was done with the booze and weed. I've proven to myself that I can abstain. Now I know that it has to be forever, and not with some future goal of drinking again.
I look back on my life, and when I remember the worst things I've done, they've all been when I was drunk, without exception. I won't be able to be there for my son or my sister if I continue in that direction.
I've been sober for six days now (I hadn't gone more that three days sober for months). This time it's not a "break" from drinking; it's a change in my life. I want to be the person I know I can be, and not the drunk who makes a fool of himself.
I've been cleaning up my apartment for days, and it's getting better. The weed is gone. The booze is gone. I know I can do it since I have in the past. The difference is that my reward for doing it this time is not to drink again; it's to have a better, more fulfilling life.
I'm going to pull myself out of isolation next. If I don't get dropped from my client, I'll make more of an effort to do my best. The fog is not gone yet, but I know it will clear up. Getting rid of the weed is making a difference already.
So, while I was cleaning under the couch, I found two empty bottles of Jim Beam. Not surprising. I also found a half-full bottle of Bullit (bourbon). I'd been drinking iced tea while I was cleaning. I put the empties in the trash, but for some reason, the Bullit stayed on the table.
I poured it all into my glass of iced tea and looked at it. I was excited at the thought of the alcohol warming my mouth, throat, belly, and mind. Then I carried the glass into the kitchen and pored it down the sink.
Never again. Not "just one". Not "only tonight". Not "just until" some future time.
I am done.
I have one friend, an old friend, very close, who is there for me when I need him. He's 500 miles away, but you get my meaning. I've told him what I'm doing. Its a good thing to have someone proud of you. Doing it totally alone is tough (not impossible), so it helps to have a friend.
Now I have this board as well, where we're all on a journey to take control of our lives.
Hello.
to SR! I'm glad you joined the family! 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dear Keep, welcome. It's really great that you are being so honest. I wish you the very best. Although I'm sober, I find it very helpful to remember just why I don't drink. If you ever feel weak, re-read your post here. Good job on 6 days. I'm sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Uk
Posts: 1,190
Thanks for letting us in on your life. That's very admirable and brave. What's more brave is that your doing this - your on day 6 and things can only get better - you more than likely have some amends to make but if people see you are serious about changing then 99% of people will be satisfied with that as long as you trying every day then you can do no more. Keepittogether as your name says 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Welcome! When I made the decision to quit drinking and take my life back it was like a cloud lifted. You should be so proud of yourself, you made the hard decision and are sticking to it.
I am not sure who posted that "sobriety is a decision not an event", but it was a very important concept to me during the first few weeks.
Those white knuckle moments like you just had with the Bullit are the moments that are the most difficult, but doesn't it feel good to have made the healthy and wise choice even though it was so tough at the time? Those choices are the ones that keep you sober.
It is normal to feel anxious when you are changing a habit. Knowing that you will feel anxious is a way to plan ahead, so that when you encounter something like a craving or a bottle of booze, you can say "oh there is that feeling". Now what am I going to do about it.
When the moment and the craving passes, acknowledge the fact that you have just made a huge and very important stride towards really changing your life.
Your very authentic post outlines the things you wish you had done differently in the past. Props to you for starting to put money in the bank of good decisions!
I am not sure who posted that "sobriety is a decision not an event", but it was a very important concept to me during the first few weeks.
Those white knuckle moments like you just had with the Bullit are the moments that are the most difficult, but doesn't it feel good to have made the healthy and wise choice even though it was so tough at the time? Those choices are the ones that keep you sober.
It is normal to feel anxious when you are changing a habit. Knowing that you will feel anxious is a way to plan ahead, so that when you encounter something like a craving or a bottle of booze, you can say "oh there is that feeling". Now what am I going to do about it.
When the moment and the craving passes, acknowledge the fact that you have just made a huge and very important stride towards really changing your life.
Your very authentic post outlines the things you wish you had done differently in the past. Props to you for starting to put money in the bank of good decisions!
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome to SR KIT. Congrats on 6 days sober. Well done on pouring the Bullit down the sink. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through but 6 days sober is huge. It sounds like your life is already beginning to turn around - in fact, it started doing so from the second you put down the drink. It's great that you've come here for support and have also reached out to your close friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
Fella,
I put the cork in the bottle, left it there and made the changes i needed to. Some ways to go yet. I got support. AA ,friends and medical people if needed. I gave up doing it my way. After all, my BEST thinking found me drunk, alone, bereft and sometime suicidal.
WE can do what is needed to live a long and happy life sober.The key is in the WE! I finally accepted that without help it would ALWAYS be too much for me.
See you again on the sober road.
Be safe.
G
I put the cork in the bottle, left it there and made the changes i needed to. Some ways to go yet. I got support. AA ,friends and medical people if needed. I gave up doing it my way. After all, my BEST thinking found me drunk, alone, bereft and sometime suicidal.
WE can do what is needed to live a long and happy life sober.The key is in the WE! I finally accepted that without help it would ALWAYS be too much for me.
See you again on the sober road.
Be safe.
G
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: oz
Posts: 164
hey and welcome,
I love the title to your thread, yes you can do it, we all can. Making the decision to be a non drinker is the first step to what can be and will be a wonderful more fulfilling life. Is it easy no....is it the best decision that you will ever make for yourself...hell yeah.
I have only 2 people in my life I trust to tell, they are both proud of me, but there is nothing like that feeling of being able to come to a place, here or for some others AA, where you can share and people truly understand. again welcome.....
I love the title to your thread, yes you can do it, we all can. Making the decision to be a non drinker is the first step to what can be and will be a wonderful more fulfilling life. Is it easy no....is it the best decision that you will ever make for yourself...hell yeah.
I have only 2 people in my life I trust to tell, they are both proud of me, but there is nothing like that feeling of being able to come to a place, here or for some others AA, where you can share and people truly understand. again welcome.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
Hi KIT. Thank you for sharing. It is stories like your that helps keep me focused and hopeful. I know now I can't have just one either. I'm starting day 4. Congtatulations on making that tough decision to stop. I'm looking forward to my new life. I'm done too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
That's a moving story, and I say that as someone who can very much relate, in many, many ways.
Do you have a plan? Have you read or tried Rational Recovery?
Stay strong brother, and check in here as soon as you need to.
Do you have a plan? Have you read or tried Rational Recovery?
Stay strong brother, and check in here as soon as you need to.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Welcome Kit and hang on one day at a time, even a minute at a time. To me a profound friend at the beginning of my journey in AA said "if we don't pick up the first drink, we don't have to get sober AGAIN!" It worked for me for many years. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by KeepItTogether 
I've been sober for six days now (I hadn't gone more that three days sober for months). This time it's not a "break" from drinking; it's a change in my life. I want to be the person I know I can be, and not the drunk who makes a fool of himself.
Thanks again for your post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Brooklyn
Posts: 8
Wow! Thanks for all of the words of encouragement! You guys really give me hope that I can make it through this time.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I called my sister today.
She was drunk, and it's only 1PM. I totally understand this, since it's exactly what I was doing.
I spoke with her about her drinking. She was open to talking about it.
She's going to stop tomorrow (stopping right now would be a ridiculous prospect, IMHO).
I told her to go ahead and drink today.
She asked if I would help her (I already help her financially) with quitting. "Of course I will! I'm your brother!", said I.
I know exactly what she's going through. I've proven to myself in the past that I can stop, so I know I'll make it this time, but she's never proven this to herself. I'll do anything I can to support her.
I gave her the option to come live with me (I have a big place), and we can work on it together. We may end up doing that if she can't get it together.
I have to explain to her (when she's not drunk) that she can't do this with the thought of some future reward of drinking again. She has to understand that this has to be a permanent change.
We spoke about change; she said "I have to make a big change. I have to change everything". I told her that no, she doesn't have to change everything, and that if she tried that approach, she'd probably fail. She just needs to stop poring beer down her neck!
She's 48, 100lbs, and drinks 4-5 24 oz beers every night. She's completely depressed and hopeless about life.
I know in my bones that I'm done with it, so I think I can help her, but she has to take the first step. I expect her to trip up, perhaps, but I think that may be normal.
I hope I can help her enough to actually change her.
I told her that she only has to stop drinking completely. She'll never have any hope if she keeps ingesting depressants. I told her this, and I think she understands.
What she doesn't know is that by helping her deal with this, I'm helping myself. I'm reinforcing my resolve.
---------------------------------------
Anyway. I actually got some good work done last night; the first real work I've done in a while.
My head is starting to clear more, from the lack of weed and booze.
I have hope again.
I know that I have no guarantees that problems and obstacles won't appear in my life; I know they will. But I also know that the only way I'll ever be able to really deal with them is by being clear in my mind.
I fear my reaction to stress, as I know I'll get "the urge", but the part of me that wants to be alive is stronger now than my "urge". I'm gonna slap that "urge" in the face, and call it a b*tch. It will not control me.
----------------------------------------
So far, I'm doing well. It's day six. I'm glad you're all here, because I know that at some point I'll think about giving in to my "urge" again. I'm glad you're all here for me, when that time comes.
Thanks for listening.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I called my sister today.
She was drunk, and it's only 1PM. I totally understand this, since it's exactly what I was doing.
I spoke with her about her drinking. She was open to talking about it.
She's going to stop tomorrow (stopping right now would be a ridiculous prospect, IMHO).
I told her to go ahead and drink today.
She asked if I would help her (I already help her financially) with quitting. "Of course I will! I'm your brother!", said I.
I know exactly what she's going through. I've proven to myself in the past that I can stop, so I know I'll make it this time, but she's never proven this to herself. I'll do anything I can to support her.
I gave her the option to come live with me (I have a big place), and we can work on it together. We may end up doing that if she can't get it together.
I have to explain to her (when she's not drunk) that she can't do this with the thought of some future reward of drinking again. She has to understand that this has to be a permanent change.
We spoke about change; she said "I have to make a big change. I have to change everything". I told her that no, she doesn't have to change everything, and that if she tried that approach, she'd probably fail. She just needs to stop poring beer down her neck!
She's 48, 100lbs, and drinks 4-5 24 oz beers every night. She's completely depressed and hopeless about life.
I know in my bones that I'm done with it, so I think I can help her, but she has to take the first step. I expect her to trip up, perhaps, but I think that may be normal.
I hope I can help her enough to actually change her.
I told her that she only has to stop drinking completely. She'll never have any hope if she keeps ingesting depressants. I told her this, and I think she understands.
What she doesn't know is that by helping her deal with this, I'm helping myself. I'm reinforcing my resolve.
---------------------------------------
Anyway. I actually got some good work done last night; the first real work I've done in a while.
My head is starting to clear more, from the lack of weed and booze.
I have hope again.
I know that I have no guarantees that problems and obstacles won't appear in my life; I know they will. But I also know that the only way I'll ever be able to really deal with them is by being clear in my mind.
I fear my reaction to stress, as I know I'll get "the urge", but the part of me that wants to be alive is stronger now than my "urge". I'm gonna slap that "urge" in the face, and call it a b*tch. It will not control me.
----------------------------------------
So far, I'm doing well. It's day six. I'm glad you're all here, because I know that at some point I'll think about giving in to my "urge" again. I'm glad you're all here for me, when that time comes.
Thanks for listening.
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