Kimmieh

My ABF and I have now been in long distance relationship for over a year and today I have decided that I cannot go back. It is peculiar because he is looking to begin detox followed with outpatient rehab soon. He has settled into his own place and is doing fairly well. It's all I always wanted.

But I can't do it. When I talk to him and he appears even slightly buzzed (and he might just be tired and not buzzed at all), I have to fight off a panic attack. Even if he works on getting sober, I can't live with the fear of relapse. It was a good and important relationship for me and I love him, but I cannot live with even a trace of alcoholism anymore. I have had such a peaceful and quiet home for the past year.

I have also met someone. Or rather, I have connected on a deeper level with someone who I have known for years. He is also far away and he is not the reason why this relationship is over. But he brought back my spirit and excitement. He also does not drink (which of course is just an added bonus). It's all very tentative because I am not a cheater.

I have to do this and I know this now and I cry as I type this because I know ABF loves me a great deal and will be so so heartbroken over this. He always parted on good terms with previous relationships and perhaps there is potential for friendship.

I just need to let him know that I don't see a future with him anymore, which he very much still sees with me. Do I do this when he has started out-patient rehab and has a support system? The exact timing does not really matter and I don't want to make it any harder on him than I have do. He loves me, the dogs, and misses our life together and now I have to do this novel thing of looking after my needs first...

This is so hard....

Tuffgirl

It's ok to end relationships that aren't working for you. That is always your right.

You talk a lot about him - how he will feel, etc. How do you feel?

And timing doesn't matter, in the end. Your delivery does. Do it with kindness and respect, even if he was a jerk. Do it in a way that 20 years form now, you look back and feel good about the way you handled yourself. And do it before you get involved with someone else.

Kimmieh

Thank you for your response, Tuffgirl. This is my age-old problem of putting other people's needs above mine I suppose.

I feel that I am not in love romantically with him anymore. I don't miss him. I miss parts of our lives together, but I have reached a point where I know for sure that they are not worth the stress and heartache of living with an alcoholic.

I have been feeling peaceful and recently, much more alive. If he wants to be friends, great. From a distance, that's fine. I don't feel like I am losing a great love - perhaps we were never a great match. I appreciate the relationship for many things - he has boosted my confidence and he was great support in times of crisis. He was very rarely a mean alcoholic. But I am not in love with him anymore.

The other guy won't be in town until Christmas at the earliest, so I feel very relaxed about this. I don't have to make decisions in a rush, but I don't want to drag this along either.

In the end it boils down to me not wanting to hurt my ABF. If he broke up with me today because he met someone else, I would be relieved and happy for him.

Tuffgirl

I think you have your answer. You aren't doing him any favors by staying with him out of pity or guilt.

It's not your responsibility to protect him from the hurts of life. It's only your responsibility to be respectful and kind about it. That's all.

And it is your responsibility to live your own great life! If its not with him, cut him loose asap.

Good luck - let us know how it goes.
~T