fml23

I am tired if my AH trying to manipulate and lock me into the same patterns. It's so painful!

I have retained an attorney and we're meeting to file the petition for divorce sometime soon. My AH still has keys to our condo (both owners) and has been watching our daughter (he's unemployed) while I am at work. It's not a pleasant situation but there is an end in site.

He is really angry at me making a change. He's spent the past week since I clearly and firmly stated I was filing for divorce, cycling through every manipulation tactic he can think of. I've been seeing it as that, manipulation. But today (and a few other times) he really hit the nail on the head and said things that instantly spiral me into self doubt. I need to put it on (Internet) paper because journaling isn't helping and I don't want to be reacting to this and playing it over and over.

So here goes:
He has been insisting that I am bluffing and won't divorce him. I had given him an ultimatum (I know! I know! But this has been a process and I've made mistakes!) 6 months ago and consulted an attorney. I had told him 'last chance' and things have not improved and now I am following throughs. So he's nagging and nagging and saying he won't sign and I'm just trying to hurt him and blah lab. Finally I caved and said 'I'm not trying to hurt you or give you an ultimatum or power play. I accept 100% you are going to keep drinking and I can't deal with the situation and I want a divorce.' Explosion. He's accusing me of breaking up our family, of being discontent and chronically dissatisfied, basically saying, I will never be happy. Almost like 'you are destined to be miserable and if I am you have to be too.' Then he tells me 'talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. You're never going to change, and this is just one last ultimatum to hurt me.' WTF?!? He literally just outlined EVERY SINGLE FEAR I have about breaking the cycle. How do they do that?!? An entire conversation and he 100% side stepped his drinking. Nothing about how he spent the night out with his dad getting wasted and was hung over when he came to watch our daughter. Ugh.

SparkleKitty

In my experience with both the A's in my life, projection is a huge defense mechanism. If you are decided on this course of action, then you do not need to engage in debate over why. You can't make him stop trying to manipulate you any more than you could make him stop drinking, but you can stop engaging with it. I know how hard this is, I'm sorry. Sending you strength and patience.

dandylion

fm123, alcoholics are usually master manipulators---and believe me, they will know where your hot buttons are!! They know where our weaknesses are--and when they are desperate to maintain the status quo or to protect their drinking--they will go for the soft underbelly. This is why trying not to engage and not listening to them is so important.

they love to get us flustered and throw us off balance, because that is when we start to doubt ourselves.

With practice, it becomes easier to let them roll off our backs.

dandylion

healthyagain

Why don't you ask him, if you are so bad, why does he want to stay with such a "hurtful" person? But you know what? You are doing great, you are strong, and he feels it. Don't fall for these little games. And it is good to be like a brick wall from time to time, especially when dealing with alcoholic babble.

Recovering2

I think he actually DOES believe you this time...and that's why he's trying everything he can to pull you back in. Any time we gain any type of independence, when we start to get healthier, when we start to set boundaries...the A is going to have a reaction. I was taught by my counselor that it's perfectly okay for them to have their reaction....doesn't mean we have to respond or change anything we're doing.

Try really hard to ignore his ramblings. Say "uh huh", "oh" , "okay" etc and no more. Remind yourself "Just because he says it, doesn't make it true". You're changing, he is not. Stay on your path. You'll look back and be glad you got through this phase. Keep posting, we're here for you.

fml23

Thanks everyone!! I cannot explain how helpful posting and reading all ur responses is!!! I went to a new al anon (different group) meeting today. I was hoping it would feel better. I had horrible anxiety and couldn't bring myself to share or talk to anybody. I feel like I'm doing it wrong!

My AH is like a yoyo today. He is like battling back and forth. It's being sooooo hard to detach. I do good for a bit and then he says something and BAM! I get that horrible feeling like I HAVE to respond. Like I will DIE if I don't explain, defend, subdue. I am re-reading codependent no more (full disclosure first time through I liked it but had trouble seeing myself). I don't understand. My a coworkers provokes me I don't feel this way. If my friends raged at me I would detach. But my AH is pushing my buttons and it physically hurts! It's exhausting. I'm so exhausted from riding it out (normally I rage right back at him and it seems cathartic in a sick way). Practice practice practice.

I really like what you said Recovery. Of course he's going to react, and that his issue not mine. I have changed the status quo and its not like he's gonna roll over and play dead. I dunno how the hell two ppl can get so locked into this crap. This codependency stuff is just the damndest thing. He drinks like a fiend and I just spin my wheels right alongside him. I dont want to be legally divorced and emotionally locked in. Grrr...

I downloaded this little worksheet to work 'step 4'. I don't feel ready. The first three steps I didn't have to do anything. This 4th one leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think I need a sponsor, but I just have to get to more meetings. I keep reading 6 meetings to feel it out. Maybe I'm rushing things. I just want to feel better. Sometimes when I get up in the morning I feel like I'm gearing up to do battle.

fml23

And healthyagain- I have learned to never ever ask him logic questions or try to catch him up. It's mind boggling how amazingly he'll just spin it all right back to me. I think what u said is so right. Sometimes I NEED to be a brick wall and shut out the ramblings. But it hurt so bad to hear him accuse me of that because I am someone (I am the perfect Codie!) who prides myself on being a great listener and cheerleader for ppl! I am a Feely kinda person and to be accused of being cold is so far from who I am it's painful.

NWGRITS

I started imagining my AM as Charlie Brown's mom every time she would start quacking (wah wah wah, wahwahwahwah). She would get upset at me for laughing, but it kept me from really hearing whatever it was she was spewing to me and/or the family. Or sometimes it would be the circus music (think the Afro Circus song from Madagascar 3). It worked for me, so maybe give it a shot next time he starts in on you.

Spinner-007

Yes, projection. Anything to sift it away from the real reason of the split: alcoholism and addiction.

My wife was good at it for a while, but I stayed here on this site, and thanks to so many here who provided really good information, I picked up on her tactic.

I now keep to the issue, which is my wife's addition, and won't respond to her barbs/insults/red herrings, etc. I won't acknowledge that we can talk about the other stuff later, because it lends to the idea that there is something I need to be doing before we can talk about her addiction.

The only thing I need to be doing is to take care of me and the kids.

I'm glad to see your on your way out. I'll pray for you.

Recovering2

Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out today. It's okay not to share in AlAnon, there are some in my meeting that never share. They come every week, and listen. So it's whatever works for you. You're new enough to it, it's okay to take your time getting used to the meetings. I would suggest you not work the steps without a sponsor. A sponsor will give you things to read and an "assignment" if you will that makes the step look different than you may be thinking on your own. I was in AlAnon for 4 months before I felt ready for a sponsor and steps.

Remember: Progress...not Perfection. You're doing great.