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How do you socialize?

Old 08-28-2013, 10:24 AM
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How do you socialize?

Today is day 50 for me. My problem with alcohol was primarily in my social life. I wouldn't drink alone. My drinking was normally on weekends, with friends, and very heavy. Part of why I've not drank for 50 days is because I haven't gone out, other than a movie, dinner, etc. with my fiancé (who is amazingly supportive of me giving up alcohol) and although not a drinker herself (other than an occasional glass of wine) has given up even that small amount of drinking as a show of support.

Part of my success this far has been "seeing the drink thru" and realising that one drink will inevitably lead to many more. I'd like to go out with my mates, but I don't want to risk that temptation and to be honest, the time away from going out with my crew has certainly diminished my desire to even go to pubs and bars to hang out. The whole bar scene has really lost its appeal. My mates respect my decision to stop drinking. However, they're not the type that want to hang out at Starbucks for a coffee and catch up. Our time together has always been at a bar or pub, laughing, talking sports, etc.

I'm at an interesting crossroads....I don't want to put my sobriety at risk by hanging out in bars, nor do I even really want to do that anymore anyway. These last 50 days have really been an eye opener for me in that I'm so much happier without alcohol in my life. Going forward my social life will continue to change, and one thing I'm certain about is that it won't involve alcohol.

Curious how others' social lives have evolved without alcohol?
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:34 AM
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Ya, one of the things I have realized is that I kinda WANT the friends who hang out at coffeehouses now ..rather than bars. I have gone to two alcohol centered events in my sobriety and was pretty much bored out of my mind. The first hour or so was alright but after folks started to get their "buzz" on..the social aspect deteriorated rapidly. I couldn't relate with anyone anymore. When my life was alcohol centered I hung with others devoted to it as well. In sobriety, I want to hang with those who find fun, enlightment and social connection that does not require alcohol. I'm working on that.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:45 AM
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Ditto on Nuudawns post.

Unfortunately, you find that once you remove the alcohol you find you had far less in common with the people that you used to hang with.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:49 AM
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I socialize just fine.
It's just not with folks in pubs or bar rooms.
I don't think I could ever call anybody that I spent afternoon after afternoon drinking with a friend.More like associates.

And I can tell you that like bar flies,they begin to die off as the years go by.
Most from alcohol related issues. So do I miss socializing in bars,hell no.

I'm 33 days sober and have in the past been 14 months. During that 14 months away I was shocked to find out who and how many ole associates in the drinking world had checked out.

It's also sad to walk my dog by this establishment and see folks waiting at 11:00 am on Sat-Sun morning for the place to open.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:49 AM
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I've learned that more people do things socially without drinking than while drinking. So in that respect, there's actually quite a bit MORE to do sober. The alcoholic mind tries to trick you into thinking that you need to be someplace where alcohol is around to have fun, but in reality the opposite is true. There are also many events/gatherings/etc that take place that do have alcohol available, but it's not the main focus of the event.
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Old 08-28-2013, 10:52 AM
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I do more of my socializing during the day - up till dinner. This usually means it involves some sort of activity. Hiking, frisbee, sports, outdoors activities are great fun! I take the initiative to do more planning and organizing.

My friends don't like to over drink - so I'm lucky in that regard.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:12 AM
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Congrats on fifty days!

I've always been sort of a hermit, but decided that I need some social assistance with the cure for my addictions. So I go to AA meetings, and work the steps with a sponsor.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:22 AM
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I'm married. I don't have a social life.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Oldselfagain View Post
My mates respect my decision to stop drinking. However, they're not the type that want to hang out at Starbucks for a coffee and catch up. Our time together has always been at a bar or pub, laughing, talking sports, etc.
They are drinking mates, not friends. Big difference. Stay sober 50 more days and that will become clear to you.

Congrats on 50. Stay strong.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
There are also many events/gatherings/etc that take place that do have alcohol available, but it's not the main focus of the event.
This, for me, has been key in my recovery. Like others on this thread, I discovered that hanging out sober with people who are getting drunk is pretty boring. However, after I was relieved of the compulsion and obsession of active alcoholism, I starting being able to (very occasionally) go out to events where alcohol is consumed, and hang out with people consuming it, without being in danger myself. Normies can afford to be a little *socially lubricated* by alcohol in moderation, and I can be around them when they are. My socialization opportunities are really only limited when it comes to events that center around drug use or drinking.

Not being hung over and feeling like crap about myself for drinking again definitely makes me more likely to have a good time hanging out with people, too. However awkward it may feel sometimes (I'm not great at socializing yet, but I'm working on it!), sober socialization is much more fun than having to get a couple drinks in me asap at a party (or before one) so I didn't have to feel like crap. Now I'm free to learn to do the things that drinking prevented me from learning to do, however hard they may be. It's called character, and I'm a better person for it.
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Old 08-28-2013, 12:41 PM
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I found that once I became comfortable in my sobriety I was able to be around drinking situations no problem. I threw myself in the deep end a bit early on and I was incredibly uncomfortable at first. I remember going to a party after 8 months sober and feeling pretty good about it, and that being around alcohol didn't bother me, but the fact I made such a big deal out of it shows that it was still a challenge of sorts.

The thing I have found is that whether the social occasion is around alcohol or not, it has to be genuinely fun for me to tolerate it now. I think I put up with a lot of boring conversations and events just to have an excuse to drink (like I needed one, but I felt less guilty if it was with people). I have found that people I thought were just drinking buddies are true friends and others who I thought were true friends are less interested in me now I am sober. I don't know if that is because I amuse them less now or if I made them feel better about themselves before... The thing is people may surprise you and only time will tell. You may find your friends are happy to do other things than hang out in bars, and in time you might feel it's okay to hang out with them and not drink. Or you may be bored sh;tless and need new friends I recommend not stressing about this and just seeing what happens. Do what you need to do day by day to get by and stay sober and everything else will fall into place x
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Old 08-28-2013, 02:43 PM
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I don't like hanging out in bars anymore either - I found (or rediscovered) friends who felt the same way - we do lots of things, and alcohol is not the reason we all get together

D
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Old 08-28-2013, 05:46 PM
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I had to make a lot of changes, and one of those was not going to bars or hanging out at drinking events of any kind for awhile. This included sports games, weddings, clubs, etc. It wasn't fun and I was "bored" more often than not, but I had to recondition my brain and body not to rely on alcohol for 100% of my fun. After awhile I enjoyed events more that had nothing to do with alcohol and have started to find peace in living a quieter life, with a focus on things more important that socializing.
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Old 08-28-2013, 06:31 PM
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Great question, I guess that is my concern on how will i deal with my sociality because I'm an Alpha male who enjoys catching up with the boys and talking sports, life, love, music, cars, job, etc. That is usually done at events and i'm a big music lover and that has mostly taken place with alcohol involved. How do I still involve my love for these things and their sociality without alcohol being present. Any advice?
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Old 08-28-2013, 06:39 PM
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To Hypochondriac, great post and very well put.
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Old 08-28-2013, 07:37 PM
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Good post OP. I'm not like hypochondriac or some of the other posters here - I can't hang out in pubs or bars nor do I chose to socialize with people at alcohol-themed events. Aside from a wedding, a couple ball games, and some other low-key functions I've pretty much avoided being around alcohol all together. My social life has suffered greatly.

The problem with just meeting people out for coffee, is that none of my old friends would have ever done that. They were drinkers, they don't go out for lattes and mochas, they go out for beers. Another problem with coffee is that it's a morning activity - you don't follow the crowd on Thursday nights after work and head to the coffee shop. Even weekend brunches and breakfasts, with my old friends, are punctuated with bloody mary's and screwdrivers.

I was lucky enough to travel and live in some adventurous places in early recovery, so I got a lot of my socializing done during mountain hikes, beach excursions, and waterfall climbs. Being back in the north and with autumn looming, I'm once again faced with the same dilemma you face.

I have found a few new friends, and continue to revolve my social life around the coffee house for now. It's better than nothing, but I'm craving more, just like you. Hopefully some helpful suggestions will follow, I'm all ears!
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:05 PM
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I don't see the point in goingto a bar or pub if it's not to drink.

I can be around people drinking now -it doesn't trigger me but it doesn't interest me either. I'd ratherbe elsewhere.I've left 2 dinner parties early because Ijust can;t and don't really want to relate to people getting sloshed. That's my issue,I understand but I'd rather be alone or with people doing sober things.

I never realized so many people didn't drink after 5pm Now I see them everywhere
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:20 PM
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I think real friends would meet anywhere without the need for alcohol.
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Old 08-28-2013, 11:27 PM
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I feel that I socialize just fine being sober. I actually feel I'm a lot more receptive and in in-tune with conversations. It's actually quite pleasant.

I've gone to bday parties, clubs, football drafts, etc and the people drinking around me wasn't a problem. If I enjoy being in an particular environment sober, I won't let alcohol existing there stop me from going.
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Old 08-29-2013, 06:02 AM
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Some very interesting input here from you guys giving me some perspective that its possible to attend functions and not be effected by alcohol drinking activities. i really believe for me its all a mindset perspective.....all in the mind. Because alot of our problems truly reside in our minds and manifest themselves in our lives. Day 4 and feeling great. have a great one people
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