keepurchinup

I am so disgusted by my husbands behavior & yet he doesn't know I know.

He complains we are going bankrupt (his company has been non profitable for 5 years & has exhausted all our savings) but doesn't hesitate to buy hard liquor & hide the bottles; openly buys cases of beer every week & has me believing that's all he's drinking to "relax" him, along with his pot smoking which I detest!

Now I know his 19 year old daughter has been supplying him with papers & lord knows what else for his weed. This is so sickening to me it is so stressing me out & yet I can say anything! Why? He & she will deny it. They both agree smoking is not a big deal & pot is not as bad as I think it is.

I swear on my kids I have never done an illegal drug in my life & have no intention of starting.

Everything is funny to them, he brags about how young he was (12) when he started drinking, got arrested once, partied hard etc... Where were these stories before we married?

I swear he acts like a buddy to his girls (the 21 year old lives elsewhere & does the drugs & the drinking) Last time she was here visiting she brought a bottle of vodka for him & yet they know he's an alcoholic as well as their mom & because it upsets me they do it! I don't understand their way of thinking? What is so funny about getting drunk with your kids? Having your kid get your drug supplies is OK?

I must have missed the boat on this. I am NOT OK with the excessive drinking, smoking, sneaky crap! I am only hanging in there till my daughter & husband buy their 1st home & move out of the house my husbands renting to them (should be soon) My kids are disgusted as well & it's no secret to our close friends & neighbors either.

I was raised in an alcoholic family & wanted better for my children & they got that. My X never abused drugs or alcohol so my kids never saw this type behavior.
A lot came to the surface after I married my 2nd husband & I am so disgusted beyond words. Each day is a chore to put a happy face on in front of him & his daughter. Our relationship has been over for some time, at least in my eyes it has.

I figure if him & his daughter want to play games I can too. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for listening.

Hammer

Two Words?

1. Alanon.
2. Go.

You follow how deep this is bothering you? I think you do.

This will warp and twist your guts if you stay in it and even after you leave.

The very best game is No Games. Everybody comes out a winner in that one.

honeypig

To elaborate on Hammer's very to-the-point post, here's a link to find Alanon meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon will help you adjust your view to remove the craziness from your life and find some peace (remember what peace feels like?).

and here are 2 selections from the stickied threads at the top of the page that may be appropriate now http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

and http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I see you're pretty new, wondering if you are well-informed about alcoholism and other addictions? Reading the stickied threads here and doing whatever else you can to learn what you're up against is a good start. You also might want to check the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers part of the forum, in case there's additional help for you there. Also there is a section for Adult Children of Alcoholics, and it appears you qualify there, too.

Welcome to SR. Hope you find support and learning here!

keepurchinup

Thank you I sincerely appreciate the advice.

I have been to Alanon & found the group simply repeated their weekly lives of how it is living with the addict but never any real solutions as to how to survive that lifestyle & then I asked myself "Why would I simply want to try & survive this when there is so much more to life?" My God what's wrong with me?

Been to therapy too after a year in half I stopped because I know at the end of the day I am responsible for me & my happiness. It is just frustrating, I am a control freak, surprise? (that comes from my survival mode as a child)

I know it is I who have to change & make decisions as to what is best for me & lord knows I'm working towards that goal.

It's nice to know I'm not alone & there are others facing very similar if not the same dilemma's. I am not in a position to pack up & leave yet but I'm getting there. I have the love & support of family & friends who have repeatedly said I could move in with them & I'm going to do just that. All in good time. He is not an evil man just a man with a serious problem who refuses to seek help.

Thank you once again for sharing & caring I will remind myself to go back & read & re-read the post as you stated.

If you know of any books that might help I love to read.

keepurchinup

Just found the sticky thread for the books, already read a few but will continue to find & read the others listed. Again

overit263

I just saw the divorce attorney today. Get out now!!! You will be thankful you did. Go to an Al Anon meeting but please remove yourself from the situation. There's always someone around to help.

honeypig

Keepurchinup, do you have more than one Alanon meeting to choose from? What you describe as your experience w/Alanon is most definitely NOT what an Alanon meeting should be like, w/people telling war stories and complaining about their A's.

The usual recommendation is to try 6 different meetings before deciding it's not for you--you might find a very different feel at a different meeting.

I mention Alanon again b/c you are a self-described "control freak", and one of the central tenets of Alanon, as far as I can see, anyway, is that we can (and should) control no one but ourselves.

It's great that you found the stickies for the books and so on--there's a lot of good stuff there. A surprising number of those books will be at your local library, and if you choose to buy them, Amazon has most of them available used, which will save you some $$.

Keep reading, keep posting!

keepurchinup

[QUOTE=honeypig;4147791]Keepurchinup, do you have more than one Alanon meeting to choose from? What you describe as your experience w/Alanon is most definitely NOT what an Alanon meeting should be like, w/people telling war stories and complaining about their A's.

That was exactly it! After 6 meetings I was very discouraged & in fact couldn't believe that's all it was? Everyone would just nod & move onto the next person. One young lady took a stand with her addict; I slapped my hand on the table & shouted "Good for you"!!! Think I shocked a few

I will look for another location & trust me Overit263, I have no intention of staying in this relationship. I hope to be gone within the next 6 months & it will come as a shock to no one.

Thank you all

honeypig

I'm not sure if I was clear--I didn't mean 6 meetings of the same group, on the same day and time, I meant 6 completely different meetings, like one on Monday afternoon and oe on Tuesday night and one on Saturday morning. They can have VERY different vibes from each other.

But the choice is surely up to you, and good for you for at least trying it.

LexieCat

Just to clarify, nobody looked shocked because you approved of someone "taking a stand", and the fact that people simply nod and go on to the next person is how sharing works in Al-Anon (as well as AA). Responding directly to someone else's share is considered "cross talk" and is usually not allowed/approved of at meetings. You can certainly talk directly to other members before and after and in between meetings, just not during the meeting itself. People share about their experience, strength, and hope--what they, themselves, may be struggling with, or the solution to those struggles (which usually involves working on changing ourselves, since that is the only person we can truly change).

WeTheLiving

I know how you feel. After he got out of 28 days Rehab, my ex-ABF started smoking pot which I don't approve of. If I wanted a druggie I would have found myself one. Besides I am a professional with a license I could lose, so I don't smoke pot and don't want to be around it. Who was his dealer? Why his 27 yr old kid. So my ex he would smoke it and act so weird I swore he was drinking again. I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I told the kid please would you stop giving him pot, he said he thought it would help his dad stay off the booze!

keepurchinup

No, I understood, I was told during the first meeting I went to, to give them 6 good sessions to see if you fit so I did & then I realized it wasn't for me. Plus the 45 min drive was a bit much at 7:30 in the evening & not getting home till 10.

I will start my search again but last I recall they were pretty far out & I believe there was only one other church here that held them in the afternoon which wouldn't work since I work 8-6 M-F. But I'll keep looking, thanks

Croissant

from what you posted, I am wondering why you are staying? It sounds like you are exhausting yourself in a very ugly situation you don't want to be in.

It doesn't sound like you have any love for your husband.....possibly because he presented himself as something different when you married him?

keepurchinup

I have to get my affairs in order before I leave. Making arrangements as to where to stay, my job, etc. I have been downsizing through a lot of my belongings as I don't want to have to take 50 years worth of stuff with me.

I'm taking care of me now & not concerned about him because I know he will not get any kind of help. He's made that very clear to me & I have made it clear to him that I will not stick around to watch him drink himself to death.

As far as the Alanon meetings I went to they did nothing for me. Like I mentioned earlier, everyone was repeating the same story just different week & I felt no kind of moving forward with anyone, I was looking for the "Well now what do we do"? In fact I always felt more depressed after I left & realized after the 6th time I just couldn't go back.
I will however try to seek out another location & see what they are like.

Thank you for the advice & insight