nostalgia for the never-was
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
nostalgia for the never-was
Home from work today and I passed my neighbor who was on his stoop, talking on the phone, sitting next to a tall glass of beer. It’s muggy here in Gotham. There was some lovely condensation going on there on the mug. He took a long, lingering swallow as I passed.
And then later in my bedroom, getting out of my suit, I felt a breaking in my belly. A wistful ache, a longing. It was a strong emotion – a real sadness. All I want, I thought, is to have that drink, that one cold, crisp glass of wine, to sit on the couch and open a new magazine in the numbing thrall of alcohol as it begins the long descent. It was a sentimental sadness, same as thinking about a dead family dog or a lost friend.
What a terrific lie! My relationship with alcohol soured years ago. At the end of my drinking days, I only drank to get smashed – sweet, bottomless, total oblivion. There could never be enough. The true image is not of a lovely glass of pinot with the new Atlantic Monthly – it’s me retching yellow bile late for work, or passed out on a Saturday at 5pm unable to see my kid, or forgetting again what was said, what wasn’t said, what happened at the end of the movie, what was ordered for dinner. The beast wants what never was to convince me to drink again. Nostalgia for the never-was…
That said, there is something about the sadness of not drinking anymore that isn’t false to my experience, and I imagine others out there. Sobriety takes the sheets off the bed we’ve made for ourselves – there’s no more hiding. And it can be scary at times to see that life can really be what we make of it. So, like a kid missing the responsiblelessness of past summers, I think sometimes I’m sad that I had to grow up in this way.
Here I am though, sober as hell.
And then later in my bedroom, getting out of my suit, I felt a breaking in my belly. A wistful ache, a longing. It was a strong emotion – a real sadness. All I want, I thought, is to have that drink, that one cold, crisp glass of wine, to sit on the couch and open a new magazine in the numbing thrall of alcohol as it begins the long descent. It was a sentimental sadness, same as thinking about a dead family dog or a lost friend.
What a terrific lie! My relationship with alcohol soured years ago. At the end of my drinking days, I only drank to get smashed – sweet, bottomless, total oblivion. There could never be enough. The true image is not of a lovely glass of pinot with the new Atlantic Monthly – it’s me retching yellow bile late for work, or passed out on a Saturday at 5pm unable to see my kid, or forgetting again what was said, what wasn’t said, what happened at the end of the movie, what was ordered for dinner. The beast wants what never was to convince me to drink again. Nostalgia for the never-was…
That said, there is something about the sadness of not drinking anymore that isn’t false to my experience, and I imagine others out there. Sobriety takes the sheets off the bed we’ve made for ourselves – there’s no more hiding. And it can be scary at times to see that life can really be what we make of it. So, like a kid missing the responsiblelessness of past summers, I think sometimes I’m sad that I had to grow up in this way.
Here I am though, sober as hell.
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
Congratulations on your sobriety. It is tough sometimes we start to think about the "good times" and its good to remind ourselves of all the horror alcohol can bring.
I find it helps to have some other beverages available after work for the evening. I drink mostly water but in the evening I just need something different so I find different things at the store and try them.....things I'd never have drank before but all alcohol free!!
I find it helps to have some other beverages available after work for the evening. I drink mostly water but in the evening I just need something different so I find different things at the store and try them.....things I'd never have drank before but all alcohol free!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
It's definitely a loss, and I know that at the end of my drinking days, the bottle of wine was the only friend I had left. That's why it's so hard to let go. But, you will be surprised how you will get over those feelings and enjoy your sober life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
What a terrific lie! My relationship with alcohol soured years ago. At the end of my drinking days, I only drank to get smashed – sweet, bottomless, total oblivion. There could never be enough. The true image is not of a lovely glass of pinot with the new Atlantic Monthly – it’s me retching yellow bile late for work, or passed out on a Saturday at 5pm unable to see my kid, or forgetting again what was said, what wasn’t said, what happened at the end of the movie, what was ordered for dinner. The beast wants what never was to convince me to drink again. Nostalgia for the never-was…
That said, there is something about the sadness of not drinking anymore that isn’t false to my experience, and I imagine others out there. Sobriety takes the sheets off the bed we’ve made for ourselves – there’s no more hiding. And it can be scary at times to see that life can really be what we make of it. So, like a kid missing the responsiblelessness of past summers, I think sometimes I’m sad that I had to grow up in this way.
Here I am though, sober as hell.
That said, there is something about the sadness of not drinking anymore that isn’t false to my experience, and I imagine others out there. Sobriety takes the sheets off the bed we’ve made for ourselves – there’s no more hiding. And it can be scary at times to see that life can really be what we make of it. So, like a kid missing the responsiblelessness of past summers, I think sometimes I’m sad that I had to grow up in this way.
Here I am though, sober as hell.
But like you I miss the "ritual." I couldn't help but notice that Sam Adam's Octoberfest is just now appearing in stores! For just one second I got excited, then I just chuckled to myself. The first sign of fall, and it's something I always used to enjoy. The release of new batch of Beaujolais Nuvea was the same thing for me, a big event that marked the season. I miss that fantasy of drinking...the one where all your handsome friends are sitting at the bar in a semi-circle, impeccably dressed, discussing sports over a snooty micro brew. Or the single glass of a nice Cabernet Sauvignon with dinner.
Of course, those are just fantasies. I used to have than one or two glasses of wine at dinner but it just warmed me up for the three bottles I knew I was gonna drink when I got home.
The last thing I miss now is the illusion, that fantasy that I knew just what I was and where it was going. Getting plastered was the fixed point in my life, that North Star that tied my whole existence together. It's a fumbling awkward process sometimes, feeling my way forward without that star to guide me. But it's a lot better than sitting in the dark.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It's sometimes referred to as "euphoric recall" within the addiction treatment industry. Alcohol affects the same pleasure centers in the brain in which memories are created and consolidated, steering the mind to emphasize all the great things we thought came with our drinking. Sorta like former president Bush's claim to have "misremembered" certain important facts.
For many of us, at around the same time we began our drinker careers, we were also at a time in our lives when we were young, optimistic, and believed that anything was possible. Together with alcohol destroying our minds and bodies, experience and time did violence to our youthful enthusiasm, later rising from the dead as hopelessness, cynicism, and dread.
This is why what is often required to heal is a complete reworking of our way of thinking, managing our sobriety with hard work and TLC, and helping other people who are suffering, regardless of their drug and alcohol use.
For many of us, at around the same time we began our drinker careers, we were also at a time in our lives when we were young, optimistic, and believed that anything was possible. Together with alcohol destroying our minds and bodies, experience and time did violence to our youthful enthusiasm, later rising from the dead as hopelessness, cynicism, and dread.
This is why what is often required to heal is a complete reworking of our way of thinking, managing our sobriety with hard work and TLC, and helping other people who are suffering, regardless of their drug and alcohol use.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
I think you hit it right on the head. The longing for booze is homesickness for a home we never really had. My 25 years of drinking wasn't great, and it got increasingly more terrible as it went along. By the time I walked away it was mostly pain with very little pleasure. I'm glad to have left those days behind.
But like you I miss the "ritual." I couldn't help but notice that Sam Adam's Octoberfest is just now appearing in stores! For just one second I got excited, then I just chuckled to myself. The first sign of fall, and it's something I always used to enjoy. The release of new batch of Beaujolais Nuvea was the same thing for me, a big event that marked the season. I miss that fantasy of drinking...the one where all your handsome friends are sitting at the bar in a semi-circle, impeccably dressed, discussing sports over a snooty micro brew. Or the single glass of a nice Cabernet Sauvignon with dinner.
Of course, those are just fantasies. I used to have than one or two glasses of wine at dinner but it just warmed me up for the three bottles I knew I was gonna drink when I got home.
The last thing I miss now is the illusion, that fantasy that I knew just what I was and where it was going. Getting plastered was the fixed point in my life, that North Star that tied my whole existence together. It's a fumbling awkward process sometimes, feeling my way forward without that star to guide me. But it's a lot better than sitting in the dark.
But like you I miss the "ritual." I couldn't help but notice that Sam Adam's Octoberfest is just now appearing in stores! For just one second I got excited, then I just chuckled to myself. The first sign of fall, and it's something I always used to enjoy. The release of new batch of Beaujolais Nuvea was the same thing for me, a big event that marked the season. I miss that fantasy of drinking...the one where all your handsome friends are sitting at the bar in a semi-circle, impeccably dressed, discussing sports over a snooty micro brew. Or the single glass of a nice Cabernet Sauvignon with dinner.
Of course, those are just fantasies. I used to have than one or two glasses of wine at dinner but it just warmed me up for the three bottles I knew I was gonna drink when I got home.
The last thing I miss now is the illusion, that fantasy that I knew just what I was and where it was going. Getting plastered was the fixed point in my life, that North Star that tied my whole existence together. It's a fumbling awkward process sometimes, feeling my way forward without that star to guide me. But it's a lot better than sitting in the dark.
Here's to another sober, stronger day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Totally true! I can relate - with football season around the corner I've been putting that "game & a beer" on a pedestal. Ahhh, to kick back, put your feet up, have a beer and watch the game. Nothing more 'Merican than that.
Bunch of BS. When I was drinking, game days were a blur. I was blind drunk at kickoff and passed out by halftime.
Bunch of BS. When I was drinking, game days were a blur. I was blind drunk at kickoff and passed out by halftime.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Uk
Posts: 1,190
It's all about re-training your brain. Here I was today ironing three sets of school uniforms and I'd hoovered and washed floors done washing etc and then there was the dangling carrot - the excuse - the reward I deserved 'I deserve a drink tonight I've done so well'
HOLD THE EFFFFF UP LOL .... I need a new reward system and as I continued ironing and doing my daily chores I decided that the reward is the fact that I've a clean house - my kids are going to look like new pins going to school tomorrow and that's satisfying enough in itself. I don't need to drink till I pass out to congratulate myself - to wake up with a hangover and struggle through the whole next day. I used to look at chores like 'sheeeesh this is such a burden I HAVE to do all this stuff' the truth is I don't HAVE to do anything not if I don't want to. But I do. I want my kids to look good and my house to be a home and all that other stuff. It's a different perspective I need and I'm working on it daily
I love the way some of you can just be so clear cut and your words nail it every time - you say the things that I think but don't know how to explain. I'm greatful for everyone here who shares their stories and lessons learned because it helps me. Thanks
HOLD THE EFFFFF UP LOL .... I need a new reward system and as I continued ironing and doing my daily chores I decided that the reward is the fact that I've a clean house - my kids are going to look like new pins going to school tomorrow and that's satisfying enough in itself. I don't need to drink till I pass out to congratulate myself - to wake up with a hangover and struggle through the whole next day. I used to look at chores like 'sheeeesh this is such a burden I HAVE to do all this stuff' the truth is I don't HAVE to do anything not if I don't want to. But I do. I want my kids to look good and my house to be a home and all that other stuff. It's a different perspective I need and I'm working on it daily
I love the way some of you can just be so clear cut and your words nail it every time - you say the things that I think but don't know how to explain. I'm greatful for everyone here who shares their stories and lessons learned because it helps me. Thanks
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
great post fantastic.. stopping drinking is like splitting up with a partner you start only remembering the good and not the bad.. you forget the real reasons why you are parting ways!!
Was alcohol my best friend?? no way it was my worst enemy disguised as my friend it only wants death and destruction..
alcohol the cleverest illusion known to man!
Was alcohol my best friend?? no way it was my worst enemy disguised as my friend it only wants death and destruction..
alcohol the cleverest illusion known to man!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Amen to all that you said lessgravity. That's exactly the way I feel. I long for the euphoria it once brought me - but to find it I'd have to go back 30 yrs. It was only manageable for such a short time. Then came my destruction. It's hell to dig our way out of it - but we're doing this thing.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Weasel1966
I found that moving. It allowed me to romanticize it but not buy into it. Look at what was lost.... And what it made me lose.
Great post!
K
Great post!
K
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