grateful6982

I know that the response I am going to get is "what are you doing for you" and "are you seeing a therapist/going to meetings". So before I ramble on about my problems, let me say that I am seeing a therapist. I am reading daily and trying to do me the best I can.
OK...as many know, my husband was in jail last month for stealing pills from his aunt. The case was dismissed and he was let go 2 weeks after turning himself in. We are waiting for charges to be filed any day in the county we live in due to him stealing checks from my mother. We know they are coming, and he has an attorney that is trying to help him avoid having felony theft charges on his permanent record. Well, this morning, I found out that the charges that were dismissed last month have been picked up by the county and he has been indicted on 4 charges of felony theft of drugs. I was not expecting this and it has taken all the wind out of my sails. I feel like when things start to look up, we get slammed back into the reality of what his drug use has done to us.
I am trying to be strong for myself and I know that I didn't do any of this. How do you not worry about it all? He is my husband and I want him to be able to get a job and provide for his family but his poor choices are making that impossible. I guess I am heartbroken because I know he is trying to get his act together and I am scared that it is too late. I am scared that I am going to end up having to take my kids to see their dad in prison and the effect that will have on them for the rest of their lives. He is a good person with a demon that took years of his life and I just am feeling so lost. I know there is nothing I can do but take care of me and the kids, but I am TERRIFIED. I am so mad and hurt because I didn't do any of this, yet I am suffering horribly because of it.
How do you you live your life when it is in such utter chaos? I am sorry this is so scattered, I am just completely lost and need to vent. Please refrain from bashing me for staying with my husband when he couldn't stand by himself. That is a choice I made and I don't need the negativity thrown my way.
I appreciate your thoughts and time. Thanks.

lizwig

I'm sorry you are dealing with this....it must be extremely overwhelming. I remember the various waves of emotion I encountered when my son, 18 at the time, was facing nearly 20 separate charges for graffiti. I finally came to believe it was all part of a bigger plan...which apparently is still being worked out. I do believe in consequences. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do at this point in time but wait it all out. On the other hand, your husband could use this as an opportunity to appeal to the courts that he needs real help. By showing them he is working a solid program NOW vs being told to....He can show them how committed he is to change. They may mandate treatment with probation etc. These are discussions he should be having with his attorney. He could write letters preemptively to the judge...but these things need to be done by his steam....not yours. The courts are savvy...they can tell the difference. Again I'm sorry you are dealing with the fall out...casualties of war is what I call it. Hang in there...sending you strength today.

DecBaby

I agree with Lizwig. If he is truly clean and working a program get documentation. Have proof that he is taking steps to remedy himself. Just take these things as they come. Don't worry about what is going to happen until the time comes. You'll beat yourself up over worse case scenario.

Kindeyes

High anxiety.......I can only imagine your trepidation. Lizwig had such excellent suggestions.....but unfortunately, they were suggestions (as she so aptly put it) that need to be accomplished under his own steam.

It's difficult to stand back and watch someone you love face the consequences for their addiction. Your situation is no different from anyone else's here on SR.....your love for your husband is not greater or lesser. We all love the addict in our lives.....and we've had to make difficult decisions.....and each of us get to own the outcome of the decisions we make. Unfortunately, as a spouse, the consequences of your husband's addiction affects you as well.....and the children. Incredibly difficult. But those consequences may be what he needs to truly seek help.

I now choose to live my life not in utter chaos. But I didn't know HOW to do that for a very long time. Chaos was my normal.......until I realized that I didn't have problems.....I just had solutions I didn't like.

You, your husband, and your children will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

MiSoberbio

These are consequences of his actions, and he may have to go to jail. This is reality, and I know you don't want it to happen, but you are engendering more suffering by fighting it. This may happen - you cannot go back and alter the countless decisions that he made to bring him to this point, nor can you alter your own long list of past choices; this is where you are, right now.

However, "right now" is only that - it's not forever, and that's part of the reality equation that many of us struggle with: accepting reality does not mean that "now" will be "forever." Let go of the fear of the future and concentrate on the present. Accept that this is happening as a first step. No, it's not pleasant, but you are powerless over it, are you not? Is there anything you can really do to change what happens, whatever does eventually happen? I think not.

Please don't jump away from what I write because it stings -- I've been through this, others here have been through this, and most of us know that the pain doesn't go away until we let go of it.

Ann

Good suggestions above. Try not to "awfulize" what may or may not happen. This will unfold as it may when the time comes. Maybe embrace the good days now and pray that his actions toward recovery and hopefully a commitment to remain on a good path, may help him in the long run. He may not get off these charges, but he may get probation until such time as he proves he is now making responsible decusions...or not.

One day at a time, just breathe and relax, none of this is going to happen today.

Hugs