Not Sober!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Exeter
Posts: 60
Not Sober!
Hi I am new here and feeling very down. I happened upon this site when looking up the damage I am doing to myself drinking two bottles of wine every night. I have drunk like this since I was about 25 and met my husband who is a very heavy drinker.
I don't remember going to bed EVER. Every morning I wake up wondering if I had an argument with my husband again. In the last few months my drinking has turned me into a nasty person. Someone I don't like. My only memory of last night was yelling at my poor husband because he wanted to make dinner and I thought he was being selfish because I wanted to carry on sitting with him and talking and couldn't be bothered to do dinner yet. It was 11.00 and he has to get up for work at 6 in the morning. However I thought HE was the one being unreasonable because I wanted to drink for longer. Many times he tells me in the morning of the horrible things I have said to him and of which I have no memory at all. My poor husband puts up with a lot from me.
I often wake up still dressed because I must just throw myself into bed and pass out
The only person who knows about my drinking habits is my husband, no one else knows. Although my stomach is so big now which is mainly down to the drinking and the takeaways that often go with this as I cant be bothered to cook! The people who know me would be shocked because I hate going out to the pub and get very nervous about drinking in public!
I know I am damaging my health, I want to change for my children. I am aware that they see mum and dad drinking and that this may lead them to also be heavy drinkers. They don't realise how much I drink because they are in bed but that is no excuse. What if there was a fire. Would I be able to save my children or would I be too drunk. These thoughts scare me, I want to change and used to think that I could easily stop if I chose to but now I am coming to see that it is not as easy as I thought. Every morning I wake up feeling rough and say tonight I wont drink but by about 4 I start giving myself reasons why today it will be okay for me to drink. I also try to say that I will only buy one bottle and when that is gone I will stop but sadly it doesn't seem enough for me. I drink very fast and can get through one bottle in a very short amount of time
I really don't know what my next step is but I know it has to change. I feel very sad today. I seem to have the kind of personality that I overindulge. I am also struggling with binge eating that has seen me put on 3 stone in a year but I think if the drinking stopped it might help the bad eating. On a positive note I have given up smoking for 7 months now
I don't remember going to bed EVER. Every morning I wake up wondering if I had an argument with my husband again. In the last few months my drinking has turned me into a nasty person. Someone I don't like. My only memory of last night was yelling at my poor husband because he wanted to make dinner and I thought he was being selfish because I wanted to carry on sitting with him and talking and couldn't be bothered to do dinner yet. It was 11.00 and he has to get up for work at 6 in the morning. However I thought HE was the one being unreasonable because I wanted to drink for longer. Many times he tells me in the morning of the horrible things I have said to him and of which I have no memory at all. My poor husband puts up with a lot from me.
I often wake up still dressed because I must just throw myself into bed and pass out
The only person who knows about my drinking habits is my husband, no one else knows. Although my stomach is so big now which is mainly down to the drinking and the takeaways that often go with this as I cant be bothered to cook! The people who know me would be shocked because I hate going out to the pub and get very nervous about drinking in public!
I know I am damaging my health, I want to change for my children. I am aware that they see mum and dad drinking and that this may lead them to also be heavy drinkers. They don't realise how much I drink because they are in bed but that is no excuse. What if there was a fire. Would I be able to save my children or would I be too drunk. These thoughts scare me, I want to change and used to think that I could easily stop if I chose to but now I am coming to see that it is not as easy as I thought. Every morning I wake up feeling rough and say tonight I wont drink but by about 4 I start giving myself reasons why today it will be okay for me to drink. I also try to say that I will only buy one bottle and when that is gone I will stop but sadly it doesn't seem enough for me. I drink very fast and can get through one bottle in a very short amount of time
I really don't know what my next step is but I know it has to change. I feel very sad today. I seem to have the kind of personality that I overindulge. I am also struggling with binge eating that has seen me put on 3 stone in a year but I think if the drinking stopped it might help the bad eating. On a positive note I have given up smoking for 7 months now
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Welcome to SR Aislin!
There is a lot of information and support here. I understand. I was where you are. Our stories are similar.
The first step is admitting you have a problem and to reach out for help. It seems you have faced that. That takes a lot of courage.
The way I have to look at it is one day at a time. I will not drink today. I don't look at yesterday or tomorrow. If you want to drink tomorrow, then okay, but do not drink today. That is how you start out. We all started with day one.
There is a lot of information and support here. I understand. I was where you are. Our stories are similar.
The first step is admitting you have a problem and to reach out for help. It seems you have faced that. That takes a lot of courage.
The way I have to look at it is one day at a time. I will not drink today. I don't look at yesterday or tomorrow. If you want to drink tomorrow, then okay, but do not drink today. That is how you start out. We all started with day one.
Pa**ot Momma
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 149
Welcome Aislin,
I too understand that feeling....some of the things my hubby will tell me I did when I was in blackout mode are horrible and I wonder why he is still here....I guess it is his Karma. That said, yes, we all start at Day 1 and one day at a time.. Focus on today not what you did yesterday or what you will do tomorrow, just today.
Bern
Bern
I too understand that feeling....some of the things my hubby will tell me I did when I was in blackout mode are horrible and I wonder why he is still here....I guess it is his Karma. That said, yes, we all start at Day 1 and one day at a time.. Focus on today not what you did yesterday or what you will do tomorrow, just today.
Bern
Bern
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Aislin. Welcome.
I only found this website about a week or so ago, and am currently 33 days sober for the first time in about 10 years. I think other than that, I've had a couple of weeks sober in those 10 years and maybe a day or 2 sober here and there.
All I can say is no matter how helpless or bad you feel right now, you can change and it is possible. There are lots of resources here and I hope you come back soon!
I only found this website about a week or so ago, and am currently 33 days sober for the first time in about 10 years. I think other than that, I've had a couple of weeks sober in those 10 years and maybe a day or 2 sober here and there.
All I can say is no matter how helpless or bad you feel right now, you can change and it is possible. There are lots of resources here and I hope you come back soon!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 43
Hi there
Great advice here. The only way I can do it is saying each morning "Iam not going to drink today", don't think about tomorrow.
AA mtgs REALLY help as everybody is in the same boat and you will not be judged or anything.
When it comes to 4pm how about trying to do something to keep you occupied.
Well done on the giving up smoking
Jackie xx
Great advice here. The only way I can do it is saying each morning "Iam not going to drink today", don't think about tomorrow.
AA mtgs REALLY help as everybody is in the same boat and you will not be judged or anything.
When it comes to 4pm how about trying to do something to keep you occupied.
Well done on the giving up smoking
Jackie xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
Welcome to SR Aislin. Reaching out and asking for help is a great first step towards getting well. I think its important that you are being honest with yourself by admitting that you know that you cant just cut down. Try and not feel bad about what has gone on. Focus on getting well and making sobriety your priority.There is lots of support and advice here. Wishing you the well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA Virginia
Posts: 294
Hi Aislin my story is much like yours. I would drink till I passed out and not remember any of the stupid things I said or the arguments we would have. I've had to apologize for so many things. I would fall into things and break things andend up with bruises all over. You are not alone and this site is helping me. I'm still new and bitmap is solo right just focus on one day at a time or even one hour. I had an after work end of day habit too. I'm having to learn to come straight home no stops by the Abc store. This is a big deal. You might tell your husband what you are planning to do..whatever that is. If he's still drinking heavy then it might be harder but he sounds supportive. Good luck. You CAN change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Hello, I can so relate. I am only on day 48 and one day at a time is not just a saying. I quit smoking a long time ago and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Anytime I think of drinking I think how much easier it is to not drink then it was to not smoke and that helps me. I am loving being sober and loving remembering the night before. My hubby was also my drinking partner, and he still gets drunk every night, but I don't join him. One day it is my hope he will join me. Any way, you have found a great place with lots of support. One day at a time you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Aislin,
You mention wanting to change for your children, your husband and yourself......good for you! It is simple, but not easy, to stop drinking....but worth it. In sobriety you'll rediscover yourself, a gift to you and your family
BTW, I too was a wine drinker....but no more!
You mention wanting to change for your children, your husband and yourself......good for you! It is simple, but not easy, to stop drinking....but worth it. In sobriety you'll rediscover yourself, a gift to you and your family
BTW, I too was a wine drinker....but no more!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Welcome,
Today can be the a very big first step in living a life where you are free. My very first post had almost the exact same line as yours
"Every morning I wake up feeling rough and say tonight I wont drink but by about 4 I start giving myself reasons why today it will be okay for me to drink."
You can do this you need to do this. This site is a tremendous tool to have post away when you are struggling we really care and there is always someone to offer help, advise or compassion.
Take care and best wishes
Today can be the a very big first step in living a life where you are free. My very first post had almost the exact same line as yours
"Every morning I wake up feeling rough and say tonight I wont drink but by about 4 I start giving myself reasons why today it will be okay for me to drink."
You can do this you need to do this. This site is a tremendous tool to have post away when you are struggling we really care and there is always someone to offer help, advise or compassion.
Take care and best wishes
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Welcome, Aislin. You've come to a place of great understanding and support. Many of us have been where you are. You CAN do this. It won't be easy but it could well be far less difficult than you imagine (it certainly has been for me) and the rewards are HUGE.
Hang in there. We're all behind you
Hang in there. We're all behind you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Exeter
Posts: 60
Thank you all so much for your replies. It is wonderful to here from people who understand. I feel so embarrased about what I have become and annoyed that something can have such a hold over me!
It is hard when my hubby drinks too but I did manage to give up smoking before he did (he then followed suit which was great) I worry about his drinking and have the audacity to lecture him about how bad it is (what a hypocrite!!) He tends to ignore me however
I find myself feeling anxious and stressed when I cant have a drink and I end up feeling angry and annoyed. I guess that is part of the addiction!
It is hard when my hubby drinks too but I did manage to give up smoking before he did (he then followed suit which was great) I worry about his drinking and have the audacity to lecture him about how bad it is (what a hypocrite!!) He tends to ignore me however
I find myself feeling anxious and stressed when I cant have a drink and I end up feeling angry and annoyed. I guess that is part of the addiction!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 17
I have a similar story. I'm not up to two bottles of wine, but I have started to put one down every night. It used to be a couple of glasses. I can't believe I am drinking a whole bottle. I have kids and I don't want them to see me getting drunk every night. I have just stopped smoking two. I almost two months smoke free. I can't imagine alcohol being easier. I wanted to quit smoking so bad. I enjoy drinking - well, I enjoy the first two glasses of wine - after that, I just drink because I have trouble stopping.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Hi Aislin,
Your story sounds just like mine, even down to the two bottles of wine every night. I just wanted to tell you that a different life is awaiting you...happier, better for your husband and kids, more fulfilling...it will take some hard work, but you CAN do it. I did, and its been over four years since I had a drink. Life is so much better now, because I no longer live immersed in shame. Welcome!
Your story sounds just like mine, even down to the two bottles of wine every night. I just wanted to tell you that a different life is awaiting you...happier, better for your husband and kids, more fulfilling...it will take some hard work, but you CAN do it. I did, and its been over four years since I had a drink. Life is so much better now, because I no longer live immersed in shame. Welcome!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Not quite 3 months ago I woke up feeling just like you feel today. Reading your post today reminds me of where I have come from. So thank you Aislin. Thank you for reminding me that I too drank myself to the pass out in my clothes state time and time again. Thank you for reminding me how argumentative and obnoxious I would become if ya wanted to end "my party" before I was ready. Food/dinner/well..freakin everything could wait if I was getting my "drunk on". That was my priority..and everything else could go to hell in a handbasket for all I cared. When drunk I didn't care bout anything or anyone...didn't worry bout nuthing..that was both the attraction and the problem of it. Welcome. I hope you stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Exeter
Posts: 60
Thanks so much for all your support and well done Petra on the giving up smoking. I tell myself that if I can do that I can do this too but alcohol has always been a bigger thing for me than smoking
I have signed up for a diet starting tomorrow to try and tackle my weight and you are not supposed to drink for the first two weeks. I have tried this diet before and always failed on the drinking side. I am really going to try and see if I can do this and it could be the first step for me. I am hoping that tomorrow and Thursday will be okay but the weekend will be really hard.
Just to show you my way of thinking. I ordered a horror film off lovefilm to watch with hubbie and I just got a message saying it is on its way. My first thought was that I would need to be drinking to watch that! Why I don't know, it just seems to go hand in hand, watching a scary movie and drinking. I have a lot of habits based around drinking and these all need to be tackled.
My diet starts tomorrow so I am going to start a drink free streak tomorrow if I can. ( I know it should be today but I feel like I need just one more night!) When I gave up smoking I did it by doing streaks. At first I would manage only a couple of days and then I would break my streak but as time went on the streaks got longer and longer until one day I really didn't want to break the streak because I had got to 20 something days and although the craving was really strong I seemed to get past it and then the longer the streak became the easier I found it. I am going to try the same thing with the drink. Tomorrow will be day 1 Alcohol free. I think I might start a thread to try and keep myself accountable!
Nuudawn I just read your post, it must have come in as I was posting and you have summed up exactly how I feel when drinking. I guess another reason to drink is that I love the feeling of not really 'being there' but being more in a dream land!
I have signed up for a diet starting tomorrow to try and tackle my weight and you are not supposed to drink for the first two weeks. I have tried this diet before and always failed on the drinking side. I am really going to try and see if I can do this and it could be the first step for me. I am hoping that tomorrow and Thursday will be okay but the weekend will be really hard.
Just to show you my way of thinking. I ordered a horror film off lovefilm to watch with hubbie and I just got a message saying it is on its way. My first thought was that I would need to be drinking to watch that! Why I don't know, it just seems to go hand in hand, watching a scary movie and drinking. I have a lot of habits based around drinking and these all need to be tackled.
My diet starts tomorrow so I am going to start a drink free streak tomorrow if I can. ( I know it should be today but I feel like I need just one more night!) When I gave up smoking I did it by doing streaks. At first I would manage only a couple of days and then I would break my streak but as time went on the streaks got longer and longer until one day I really didn't want to break the streak because I had got to 20 something days and although the craving was really strong I seemed to get past it and then the longer the streak became the easier I found it. I am going to try the same thing with the drink. Tomorrow will be day 1 Alcohol free. I think I might start a thread to try and keep myself accountable!
Nuudawn I just read your post, it must have come in as I was posting and you have summed up exactly how I feel when drinking. I guess another reason to drink is that I love the feeling of not really 'being there' but being more in a dream land!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
I had tons of things like watching a film, going to dinner, seeing certain people that i associated with alcohol. It takes time to change thought patterns and habits. With sober time you will come to associate such things with something other than drinking. Or i have at least. Maybe be careful that you are not tackling too much with starting a diet and getting sober all at once. Best of luck with everything.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
If you haven't started drinking today why not start now? You can wake up and start that diet tomorrow without a hangover or bloodsugar levels that are up and down. When we plan for "tomorrow" we are often already putting of for a tomorrow that never comes.
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