chainfree

I love attending group meetings, but when there is a conflict between two of the group members and they speak out against one another when the other is not present, how do you know who is being truthful?
In my home group, there are two women who recently lived together (against group rules). One of them exposed their secret while announcing the other had relapsed. The one who supposedly relapsed, had not been present for two weeks. When she returned, she talked recovery to the extreme...overkill. I was the only one who spoke up and stated that I heard she had relapsed...She denied of course, and throws out comments that I know are directed at me. Now I'm left feeling like I did something wrong...I did call her out, but I offered supportive words at the same time. One of these girls is not telling the truth, and I am uncomfortable with the setting now, it feels like I am in the middle of drama and the bad one. Should I have not called out what was said in group for the past two weeks? It is so difficult to pour out my honesty when it seems others are just talk. Has anyone experienced this group drama before? Any suggestions on how to resolve this strange change that has occurred? Thanks

EndGameNYC

What kind of group are you talking about that places restrictions on living arrangements, and that seemingly does nothing to discourage open criticism among its members?

visch1

"In my home group, there are two women who recently lived together (against group rules)." ???????????????? I've been active in AA for 30+ years and never heard of that being part of the traditions. Is this meeting AA? OMG

GracieLou

I am not sure what group you are attending but in AA I/we would never call someone out even if we/I new they had a relapse. That is between the member and their sponsor or if they don't have one then that is for them to handle unless they speak up and admit it and ask for help.

There is one person that cuts my grain the wrong way and there are many that feel the same way. Something is really off about her. I don't think she is drinking. I want to say she is not an alcoholic. The way she speaks about the past and the last time she drank just does not fit. Many people know her and she has went through many sponsors. She is also very self-centered. Everything is about her. Either way though I don't say anything to her and I have started to pray for her. It has helped me to get over my difficult feelings towards her.

There is a lot of drama that goes around and I try my best to stay out of it. If I hear something my only response is "huh, interesting" and leave it lay. I try my best and I admit I am not always successful, not to add anything or encourage more talk/drama.

Dave42001

... tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints ... BB There Is A Solution, p.19
Most of us sense that real tolerance of other people's shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others.

DG0409

I would say try not to worry about it. It seems like the lady you called out is the only one that is saying anything about it, probably because she is embarrassed about what happened. Some people have a very hard time admitting to relapsing so instead just lie about it. I don't think it's worth making it your problem though.

Does it really matter which one of them is being truthful?

Are you there to be the relapse police or to work on your own recovery?

Why would you want to be any less honest just because somebody else is lying? Why not just set a good example and make it a reason to not want to be like them?

soberhawk

It is impolite to talk about people not preset in any group whether it is true or not.

Why would one do that?

Lightning Bug

Concentrate on your own recovery.

Dave42001

Well said..Concentrate on your own recovery.

Stay on your side of the street, keep it tidy and clean..

tate9685

This post is interesting. I just started group therapy. I also go to AA. Since I am new, I dont know of any rules regarding living with a member of the group. But, I will say that I was surprised that the facilitator/counselor of the group talked about one of the members who refused to take a urine test. The next week she was absent and he went on to talk about her not taking the test, the excuse she gave and why he knew that the excuse was a lie. I was shocked really. I didn't think that was very professional. Other than that, I like the group alot and think I will really benefit from it. My opinion of group therapy though is that it is more confrontational and that you are encouraged to challenge other group members to open up and be honest and take a good look at themselves. So..... I see absolutely nothing wrong with your saying what you said. Im curious as to why the other group members didn't back you up because I assume they were there when the other lady was telling on the one who relapsed. (?) Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it, just keep being honest and maybe talk to the counselor if it continues to bother you or you feel that you are being treated unfairly. Be well.

ScottFromWI

You can't control what others say or do, i'd ignore it concentrate on yourself and others in the group who are trying to have a relevant discussion.

Carlotta

I don't think the OP's "home group" is an AA group.
And whatever it is, it is costing someone (whether the taxpayers, a loved one or herself) good $$. All this time and $$ should be put to good use in getting better yourself rather than meddling into other people recovery or lack of.
Yep, you put yourself right into the drama. What business is it of yours whether she is lying or not? Your business is to focus on YOU and get better.
I have noticed that when I start minding other people's business it is often because there is something wrong in my own corner which I do not want to address.

ClearLight

You should not have called out what was said.

ClearLight

I'll just add this: if you can concentrate on your own recovery and resist the urge to help others by pointing out others shortcomings you'll minimize the dramas.

Good luck

LadyBlue0527

I went through AA (although never did book work) my 2nd attempt at sobriety. I went to a LOT of meetings.

This time through and 91 days sober I have at least doubled that amount of meetings.

Never, not once, ever, have I been part of any meeting, open, closed be whatever it may, where more than one person spoke at the same time outside of the entire group at once. I've never heard a question asked or a comment made. To add, I have not once, ever heard a person in group ever make mention of another person in the group. The only time I ever heard a question was during announcements with a quick answer.

I didn't realize that this format wasn't followed everywhere. What I've witnessed is common decency and respect for whoever is talking.

I think what was more being referred to by the OP was a group therapy session.

Nattythreads

And therein lies the rub. I'd probably start by perhaps going up to the member in question and apologize for overstepping the mark.

LadyinBC

I do my best to leave my judgement at the door when I go to meetings. It isn't up to me to call someone out. If someone relapses and doesn't want to own up to it, that is their call and their own issue. The only one they are hurting is themselves. They aren't hurting anyone else.

I have to agree with Carlotta once I start worrying about what someone else is doing I better take a look at myself. I check myself alot as I can be and use to be very judgemental.

Putting yourself in the middle of this drama does nothing for your recovery.

Anna

Step away and focus on your recovery.

Tamerua

I am curious to know if this is group therapy or something else. All you can do is focus on you. That's great though when you think about it, you only have to be human!