fml23

I am very down at the moment and have the same thing replaying in my head over and over that I CANNOT shake. I have retained the attorney and am filing for divorce from my AH. My living situation is up in the air (still working through finances and custody and practical arrangements because its only been a few days) and I generally am just trying to detach and start 'emotionally' divorcing my AH while the practical stuff unfolds.

My AH and I have had a really tumultuous relationship. He drinks, I rage and manipulate, try to get away, come back for more. We have both been verbally and physically abusive to each other. I suppose on my part I 'excuse' my behavoir because I feel so victimized and mistreated myself. But I have this arguement we had last week when I said I was hiring an attorney ey and filing for divorce ringing in my ears. I was trying to be clear and concise and say 'I want a divorce' he kept asking if I was serious and blah blah blah. And when I said 'yes I'm serious because you are an alcoholic and are abusive of me.' He sneered 'and what do you call yourself?' I know the answer is 'codependent and abusive' but I have this gloom and disgusting feeling settling over me. I feel so ashamed that this is my life and this situation has unfolded. I feel like its my fault for not picking a better partner, for not getting out sooner, for not doing things in a healthy way. I just feel awful. And I'm scared my AH is going to drag my dirty laundry out to manipulate me through the divorce process.

Sorry for rambling. I am just so down right now I can't even explain. Now that the train for divorce is in motion I am looking at the wreckage and its just horrific. And it takes two to tango so of course it's partial my responsibility, regardless of how sick my husband is clearly I am too.

Flicka57

fml23
Let's try & cheer you up--I know that dark place you're in
If your raging at him was when he was drinking and causing you problems--forgive yourself right now for that--we all do that! One year out & I still have guilt for some of the things I said but I remind myself that even though I lost it, I was finally standing up for my rights and not taking the abuse any longer.

You said the divorce is in the works? Is this so? Take baby steps here if all you did was threaten. Work on yourself right now but if you do feel divorce is best, please seek an attorney to find out your rights-Lawyer UP! In the meantime, work on you and distance yourself from him. Get out to support groups and get back in touch with friends and family. Somehow we all start to alienate ourselves when in this situation. Once your emotions settle decide what you want to do. Keep posting & stay strong!

honeypig

fml23, your last line is "regardless of how sick my husband is, I clearly am, too."

Do you have any idea how HUGE that realization is? This is something that was posted here a few months ago that I saved b/c it seemed so incredibly important to me; seems it might carry some weight for you, too:

"For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me."

You have admitted and accepted that you are part of the problem, which means that you also have the power to heal yourself and your life--how mighty is that?!?!

Yes, you feel awful right now, but maybe just tuck this bit of knowledge away like a bright shiny penny, and take it out and look at it to remind yourself of your power when you feel ready. You'll see your way clear in the end.

fml23

My raging at him is always over the drinking or over some lie or abuse stemming from his drinking. Countless nights of finding him passed out cold on the floor or blowing off a commitment because he was drunk. My AH is generally not a mean drunk. Meaner when sober actually. It took a long time for me to piece together how angry and abusive he was. Very passive aggressive- stone walling and days of silence, glares, small humiliations, and denials of affection were his MO. So when I finally realized I was being abused I started raging and screaming and saying all the things I had ever held in. But once it started I couldn't stop the pattern. I would rage for both of us until I got a reaction. I am so ashamed it took so long for me to understand this process. I am so ashamed of the things I have said or done because I reacted to him.

I dropped the info papers off at my attorney's and reatined her. we meet to draft my petition next week. I don't know the how's but I know this time I want to get the process started and get out of this situation for good. For once I wasn't bluffing but I am scared. I am even scared that I am 'divorcing' him wrong. W/o enuf clarity or in the 'right' way. I thought defining my future was going to feel good. But right now I feel empty. I want to look at my AH and say 'is this how we end?!? After all the trips down to hell and back you take the booze over me?!?' I know that's Codie and unhelpful but its how I feel.

firebolt

I'm so sorry that this all was and is a part of your life, BUT - you're changing it!

It's not going to last forever the way is was, because YOU are doing something to make it better. give yourself a HUGE pat on the back - your future is a lot brighter!

healthyagain

Let me jump in. Some three weeks ago, AH and I had a pretty bad fight, and there were some things that came out of me that I really should have never let out. I was shocked how my reaction to his drinking got worse with time (just like his drinking), and I thought, This is not who I want to be. This beast is not me. I do not want to get in trouble because of him. He is not worth it. I made a promise to myself that I will not let him provoke me again. I know all his tricks, so I will not give him what he wants.

So, in alcoholic relationships, bad things happen. Bad words happen and sometimes even bad moves happen. If those relationships were sweet, we would not be here on this board. However, you have the power to control your words and moves. You really do. As Flicka 57 said, forgive yourself and try not to lower yourself to your AH's level again.

Tentindependent

Oh it takes two, does it? From my experience it takes two to have a healthy relationship but only one to turn it into a living hell.

From your post, I detect regret and shame from you but absolutely none from him.

If it helps you feel any better you're not the only only one who feels bad looking back at their behaviour. I do too. I've been separated over two years but didn't break contact with my AH until 6 months ago. Since then, I feel like I've got me back and I hardly recognise the person I was at the end of the marriage.

The horrible thing about addiction is that is drags down everyone around the addict. I was terribly sick and though I'm still recovering, I no longer beat myself up about things. I became a horrible, overly anxious shrew and though I never physically attacked him, I did damage things in the house to get my rage out.

I can't recall any links to share with you but I remember reading information on the internet that gave me a different view of shame and regret. I now look on it as a mental pain that works exactly like a physical pain. Its alerting me to the fact that something is wrong and I need to change something.

Maybe this marriage was meant to teach you who you don't want to be.

It is absolutely possible to pick yourself up from this. Go forward, get to know yourself and use your current feelings to motivate you to create your best self.

Incidentally, my ex is very passive aggressive too. Reading up on this behaviour helped me understand that a lot of my anger was actually his, projected onto me so I'd rage on his behalf.
Saved him that messy job and allowed him to paint me to mutual friends as a 'crazy b***h'. A double win for him *sigh*.

fml23

Thanx everyone. Ur posts helped me dust myself off and get out of the bathroom stall and back to my cubicle. all my good mood that I felt after dropping off the papers to my attorney evaporated today. Its hard to acknowledge how many ways I have been part of this alkie dance. Sometimes it literally makes me feel filthy!

This whole making my own choice and facing the consequences feels scarier than staying my AH. It's the strangest thing I have ever felt. And everytime I lurch forward and make another choice I almost feel like I have to recover and work through a bit of a depression.

Healthyagain, those exact thoughts have crossed my own mind. If I had a video camera and watched how I raged I think I would not even recognize the beast that comes out. And I don't want to ever again let this man and this diseases make me something I am not.

honeypig

It is only human to feel afraid of launching into the great unknown instead of staying w/your AH. Whoever made up the saying "better the devil you know than the devil you don't" knew what they were talking about!

Regarding the depression, I have heard it said that in situations like this, when logic says we should be dancing a jig of happiness b/c a really $hitty situation is coming to an end but yet we feel like the sun will never shine again, it's not b/c we are actually mourning a bad marriage, an abusive relationship, and so on--we are mourning the death of that particular set of dreams. All the hopes and fantasies we had about life w/that person, all the wonderful things we imagined when we married them--all that has vanished in the cold hard light of reality.

When you think about it like that, it makes perfect sense to feel depression and to mourn. And it will pass in time, but the feelings need to be felt and worked thru before they can pass.

Hope that helps you understand a possible cause for the depression, even tho it would seem there's no logical cause for sadness.

Danae

Hey,

Give yourself a big pat on the back for making progress! You dropped off the papers for the attorney. You are working to get yourself out of an unworkable situation.

As a veteran of divorce I can say that there will be dark days. Focus on where you are hoping to get to eventually. Good work!

dandylion

fm123, you are doing the right thing--the thing you have to do to save yourself. This disease can also make the ones close to the alcoholic act and feel like we are going "crazy". Those of us who have been there ourselves understand, beyond words, what this is like.

For right now, restrain from beating up on yourself too much and focus on putting as m uch distance between this disease as you can. Face forward and continue to do "the next right thing".

Remember that this is short-term pain for long-term gain. It will not always feel like this. Persevere and you will see that sun shine again!!!

sincerely,
dandylion

Recovering2

I looked back at my behavior when my BF was active, and didn't recognize that person. I could be as mean as he was. I could rage at him too. That's why they say it's a "contagious disease", most of us get as sick as the A does. But I know now that a lot of my behavior was based in pure fear. Everything felt so out of control, and I was spinning right along with it.

Don't be hard on yourself, we've all been there. The great thing is you recognize it, so you can change your reactions and behaviors, even if your A never changes. You're moving forward to a healthier, happier you.

fml23

Thank you sincerely to all of you for your own experiences and kindness. I am finding it so painful to think about my behavoir and how I fit into the big picture. I feel 'different' from the friends and acquaintances who are trying to be supportive. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I can't separate the alcoholism and its dysfunction from regular marriage problems. I don't want to carry this shame with me forever. It's hard enough facing a divorce and failed marriage and all the grief. And in addition as I'm reading more and more on here and feeling less Codie I just realize how NOT normal or ok these behaviors and abuse are. I need to find an al anon group I feel like I fit with because I need a sponsor. I am not ok and I don't want to be like this forever.

fml23

And one more for the night because getting it out helps me sleep! I just read thru the thread I started when I first found SR. I am proud because even tho I'm going really slow I think I am making progress. I can see in my post how many excuses I was making for my AH and how nice I was making it sound that he had hit me. Not ok. Instead of feeling guilty for my behavoir I am going to take it as u all said. It's part of the disease. At least I feel enough to know this is not ok! I'd love to understand why it takes so long to break the cycle. Seems like the most obvious thing in the world. So grateful for this forum and everybody who takes the time to post.

Springs

fml - so glad to read your update on this post. And for progress. Hugs. If your username initials were meant to stand for what fml usually stands for, would it help to pick three different positive words in your head for what they can stand for? If so, to start the brainstorming - focusing on my life? fantastically marvelous life?

Jazzman

How old is your child?

fml23

Lol the fml is actually not for the usual meaning! Lol!! Can't post the reference but it has a very positive personal meaning! Ironic that I never thought of the negative reference

Jazzman- my daughter is 2 1/2. She's at an age where she is starting to empathize and understand emotions and its time for something better. When I read that first thread I started when I found SR, I can see that basically her entire life I've spent cycling through the abuse. Reaffirms my choice to end the marriage!

Springs

fml - Oh good! Probably says more about my current outlook that I thought of that phrase

fml23

Springs- I actually LOVE that u pointed it out! I almost feel like its the perfect analogy for this whole mess! Many different ways to interpret it all. Kinda profound if u think about it

Shining~Again

fml - I just wanted to add a different perspective on how things could of been different had you not raged at him.

I didn't fight back with my partner. She'd throw things, call names, hit, punch, slap, ruin things, shove, threaten and follow me...always would follow me, and yeah, she just did everything one can do to another person while in a rage (the actual term the hospital used to describe her actions).

I could not retaliate. I could never hit back, could never feel the rage she felt. I just felt a deep hurt and sadness. A lot of anxiety. I'd do anything to settle her down....say or do anything to stop her words and hands. Which meant compromising everything I thought or believed in. To say yes to everything I was supposed to. Or no. Or just sit till she was done.

In the end, she died. I definitely think all that anger and pain she was in just broke her inside. A lifetime of hurt inflicted on her as a child and then by her as a adult to others. She had a lot of different problems...and knowing that also kept me extremely passive with her.

I'm left with many different types of feelings, even after a few years. One of the most powerful thoughts is "I wish I would slapped the **** out of her. I wish I would of broken some of her things, like she did mine. I wish I never met her."
Some of that is me feeling she wouldn't be dead now had I stopped her long before she got completely out of control. Other parts are about me still feeling the shame of allowing it to continue. The rest, plain old left over anger.

So there's the flip side. In certain situations, there is no win.
When someone dies, there's also no win.
I blame myself for so many things, on a bad day. I rarely have those days any longer. It's been a rough week as my DD was in hospital so I'm exhausted and reliving some things. I rarely post and stopped sharing about my past quite a while ago. If any of this helps, good. If not, ignore.

I didn't read the replies to you, but did just catch your last post.
I'm glad you're doing better. Truly.