lookinahead2

so hear is my issue: my AH does not like my sponsor. my AH is still using fyi. I dropped my sponsor because I just can't put up with all drama and friction that is going on my life. my sponsor and i have worked steps 4 & 5 together. I'm not sure if AH is ticked off because i'm getting better or if he really dosen't like her. I just had to let her go, I did't want to but my serenity level is in the toilet right now. we were just married in june and now i'm not sure if he wants to be married. he wasn't using before we got married. he was such a happy guy the guy i feel in love with. but overnite he changed. he says i'm to "smothering" if a hug and kiss a couple of times a day is to much i guess it is. so i have backed off. he says he is overwhelmed by all that has happened. the only thing that has changed is we got married. thats the only thing!! I no I can be overly affectionate but thats me. And it kills me to not give affection, or care for somebody when they are hurting I have kept my expectations low, because I have been hurt to many times. all i do is cry, because we don't even sleep together anymore, I don't know if this marriage is gonna work!! we haven't even been married two months. the one thing that scares the crap out of my is my anger..i can't believe how bad its getting, and that what scares me. today i threw my coffee cup out the door instead of throwing it at him!!!! i no my sponsor is there to help me at times like these. but AH thinks all that we talk about is being spread about town. we live in a small town 3000 peps. I just can't take anymore of the accusations anymore. so here i am writing this putting to paper what i need to say. i am not stopping my program with or without a sponsor. thanks for listening all

dandylion

lookinahead, the way I see it--the sooner you get out, the easier it will be and the less you will suffer in the meantime. Basically, that is the bottom line. No healthy marriage would be this bad off in less than 2months.

dandylion

honeypig

Your sponsor is for YOU, and really, it doesn't matter a rodent's hind end if your AH likes her or not. If YOU are benefitting from the relationship, that is what counts, and ALL that counts. Good for you for continuing your program in spite of his hissy fit.

I see your join date here is BEFORE the wedding, so I assume you knew or suspected he was an A even before you married him. You must have had your reasons for going thru with it....but hopefully you are learning now that you cannot control or cure his addiction. I agree w/dandylion, in your shoes I would give serious thought to why A) I married someone I knew or suspected was an alcoholic and B) why I would stay with him when the marriage is a nightmare after only 2 months. Not that you should answer those questions here in public necessarily, but they are something for you to think about.

I'm sure you know from Alanon that alcoholism is a progressive disease and that he will only get worse as time passes, right?

Keep on working your Alanon program and you'll eventually see which way you need to go, AND you'll have the strength to do it!

wolfpackfan45

Keep going to AlAnon and working the steps. And in my opinion your sponsor is none of his business. Of course he doesn't like your sponsor. She was helping you to get better and he is still in his addiction. It makes him nervous.

fourmaggie

lol...this is so typical....he will do and say anything for YOU TO STOP...this is his manulipation plan....and part of his ISMs (i, self and me)

you see, you are changing and that is scaring the HE!! out of him, that means
1.you have a back bone
2.you stopped enabling and or gonna slowly
3.his future of drinking has changed because of YOU...

none of this is his BUSINESS..
start preparing for your future...

ooh and by the way...my boyfriend left me because i was NOT HIS HOSTAGE any more...
i got my POWER BACK!!!

Recovering2

I have NO idea what happens between my RABF's sponsor and him. He has NO idea what happens between my AlAnon sponsor and me. My sponsor is for ME. She is helping me live a healthier life....it is all positive. It's what we refer to as "staying on your side of the street." Your AH has no business telling you what he thinks about your sponsor....not his side of the street. His opinion on that matter is none of your business....don't listen to it!!! If your sponsor is helping you....then stick with her. The fact that he has issues with it should tell you that he has issues with you getting healthy. That is NOT a partner, he does NOT have your best issues at heart.

You are getting HUGE red flag messages very early on. At least you're not 10 yrs and 3 kids in to this mess. Don't compromise your health and sanity....you will pay a dear price.

Hammer

some are worse.

At the meeting house near us -- Mrs. Hammer sent folks over from the AA side of the house to see if they could figure out who my sponsor is. They use this "gossip girls" network of some of the 1/2 and 1/2 combo AA/Alanoners. Those ones tend to be a mess. But all things work together for good. So I just sit back and laugh. They also run back and tell her what I say in the meetings there. So funny to me is that it is stuff she would never listen to from me, and instead she laps it up as gossip. My God is SO FUNNY.

My real sponsor is about 100 miles away at another meeting group I catch during my work week. In truth, he is actually very kind about Mrs. Hammer, but also understands the kids come first.

Just go, do the work and get well. The background noise is just . . . . noise.

BoxinRotz

I hope you don't mind but... I took the liberty of looking at your first posts here and see you have recently lost your first husband (my condolences). Found a new boyfriend, married and got sober all within a year. (sober for 2.5 years)

All that sounds stressful enough and now that you are married and he's relapsed do you think he feels like it went to fast for him? Do you feel you rushed it? He rushed it?

Have you had time to deal with the loss of your husband before starting this new relationship/marriage?

Have you or do you feel like you have a good handle on YOUR sobriety?

You have had 3 major life changes happen right on top of each other.

lookinahead2

so i found out that my sponser broke my trust told other al anon and aa members what i had told her about my husband and myself. we live in a small town maybe 3000 peps and now aa members are treating my husband differently mainly ignoring him. i have had other aa members asking me about him and i tell them " why don't you give him a call" and i leave it at that. now my trust is shaken i don't no who i feel i can trust to be a sponser or talk to. this has gotten so bad i am worried about mt marriage. because he don't trust me right now. we have two aa meetings in this town and no al anon meeting because of something my sponser did (she was the gsr) and she has been in al ano for 3 yrs. i am so messed up over this and has shaken my confidence severly.. i thought the hand of aa and al anon was to reach out and help those in need. i have really put my husband in a bad spot because of my sponser. i have tried to talk to him about it but heing where he is right now its just a no go. i made ammends to him for what i did but i can't change what happened. i really don't care what my sponser did re: the meetings its none of my business. i am so hurt and disgusted with all that i have witnessed in both groups. that i have decided
to take a break from it all for a bit.

Hammer

Understood. And SOOO Sorry.

That is NOT typical. And neither is the Gossip Girls thing like I was chatting about.

Not saying anything good, but your marriage (as is mine) is ALREADY in trouble.

The Gossips, and your sponsor -- in telling the truth -- although TOTALLY violating the Anonymity, did not make things be what they are -- those things already were. Just the truth came out.

But from what you are describing, I agree it would be good to steer clear for a while. These type blow-ups are generally handled in a Group Conscience sort of way. I do have faith in a prayed up group to get spiritual guidance to make things better as a result of bad events.

Sueski

Lookinahead, keep coming here while you take a break from the RL meetings. It's so helpful. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, is there any way you can find/afford a counselor? They are legally bound by confidentiality with certain exceptions that they will tell you up front. In the meantime, it might be very useful to think over the comments above, particularly Boxinrotz's list of questions. You don't have to do this "out loud," unless you want to. We're here if you want to talk any of it over.

Please remember that you did not PUT him in this spot. His behavior has created this mess, and very inappropriate behavior by a third party has exacerbated it. My AH sometimes tries to guilt me about telling others our situation, and I sometimes do feel guilty. I work on that by remembering that people who keep secrets are generally unhealthy and/or wrongdoers.