nbay2013

It seems that since I have been in therapy and moved away from my alcoholic boyfriend AND become more aware of my codie tendencies I start seeing things I did not really see before. Yesterday I actually did something completely out of character for me. I ended a friendship on my terms because of being treated pretty mean and disrespectful.

There is a friend of mine...I have known her since she was 17; I am 20 years older than her. So she was really a kid to me. She is a step daughter of a best friend. She has always had problems but I didn't really pay much attention as she moved out of the country at 19 y/o up until recent. We started emailing a couple years ago. She is extremely smart, Phd and high IQ. Very charismatic and very troubled. She has a history of abusive relationships and high drama. She moved back to our home town about a year ago. She just broke it off with a 5 year relationship with a meth user, abusive, very uneducated man with three kids by two moms and they had a very mutually abusive relationship. So the entire year it's been an obsession with that drama. Then she met another guy. This one was a two year recovering alcoholic and she dated him for two weeks until she flipped out on him, (anger issues) and he clearly said, 'NO, I do not want this behavior in my life" That was three months ago and she can't let go and texts him, stalks him, drives where he drives. She tries to pull everyone, I mean everyone including my 24 y/o daughter into this drama and if I resist, she accuses me of not caring, not being supportive, being a bad friend. We are all concerned over her behavior and people are avoiding her. She has a brother who is 19, who asked her to lighten up on the talk of this man for the 4th of July party, and she boycotted the entire family function because of this.

So she had her cat put down Friday. Her cat was bascially just old and she didn't like the cat. I told her I was sorry, did she want to hang out; how does she feel? I didn't hear back then a few hours later she wanted me to come over and I said no, I couldn't at that point but she could come over to my house. She declined but we did text for an hour. So I thought things were ok. (All this texting is because she is adverse to talking on the phone)

The next day my daughter and I were together on an all day outing. Mind you I told my friend I was going to be gone all day with my daughter. But nevertheless, in the middle of the day, I receive a barrage of texts from her, saying I was a bad friend, she has no respect for me; I was useless in comforting her, everyone else helped her, but I was the only one who did not. My daughter saw these texts and became enraged, and said, "Mom, she is really disturbed...I think she is BPD and you have to view her as mentally ill, but that does not mean you should take that kind of s**t". At that point I realized how much this woman pushed my codie buttons! I felt such pain and felt like I needed to explain to her; to convince this woman I had done everything I could do to support, help, and care for her. My daughter said, "But Mom, you have been nothing but kind to her and now her focus is on you with her black and white thinking." Wow, I wondered two things. When did my daughter get so amazing and wise, and grateful she is not codie.

So that night I wrote this friend an email. I told her that I did not agree with her, that I gave her support to the best of my abilities, but it seems like it is not enough. I told her I love her, cared for her, but to not text me these random angry rants anymore. That if she wants to talk, she is welcome to come to my house and actually talk.

This was me making a strong boundary and it felt good...But scary. Her response kind of made me feel sick. She went on a full attack, putting me down, completely rewriting history. OMG...i felt so sad and hurt. But relieved. My concern is more about her step mother, my good friend. We talked about this situation before, so I think it will be ok. But damn!

So I guess I have two questions. Does this seem like a BPD kind of situation? And as codies do you find the healthier you get, the more you need to end relationships? This is the second in two months. The EX-AB and now this.

Any advice, personal experiences would be appreciated.

FourSeasons

Dear nbay2013 - Thank you for your post. Though I am not a doctor, I do believe you perfectly described BPD behavior. I know because my mother is an undiagnosed Borderliner. Extreme high drama, extreme mood shifts, extreme negativity. Yet, it was never her fault. She was always the victim. Seriously, looking back it amazes me that other people on the outside cannot see how crazy she truly is.

Anyway, I finally cut the ties 3 years ago. I am just beginning to recover from the trauma of having her as my mother.

Good for you and kudos to your daughter for calling your so-called "friends" behavior for what it is. If your "friend" is not able to acknowledge she has a serious personality disorder and is willing to seek serious couch time, then stay away. It is not good for you.

Between the EX-AB and your crazy friend, sounds like you need a little break!!

Hammer

Yeah, she is trying to Vampire on the two-year guy. Probably some pretty tasty meat for her illness. Good for him on the escape.

Did I track that she Does Not have kids? If she does, you may need to whisper in CPS or a teacher, school T, etc., ear that there is a "problem," with this person.

NOW. With her garbage in the dumpster . . . . what in the hell are you doing with this headcase?

Maybe you should be reading the book on my desk . . . Margalis Fjelstad, "STOP Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist How to End the Drama and Get on with Life."

Seems pretty good so far. Covers the Drama Triangle and most of the rest. You are familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?

FourSeasons

Hammer: You are right on (Still have no idea to multi-quote in a response)
"Did I track that she Does Not have kids? If she does, you may need to whisper in CPS or a teacher, school T, etc., ear that there is a "problem," with this person."

nbay2013: Whole-heartily agree with Hammer... She sounds like a borderline nut job and if she has kids, then someone needs to stick up for them...

nbay2013

Dear FourSeasons; Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry you were raised by someone like that; it must take so much hard work to recover. I mean, I have only been dealing with this person for two years, and I swear it has worn me out. I think more people than you know are aware of your mothers crazy. But they are the ones that walked away.

Thanks again for your supportive words.

nbay2013

Hey Hammer; Actually her relationship with the recent guy was "TWO WEEKS" before she got all crazy. Seriously, 14 days, and she has spent the last three months obsessing and saying that he was "the one", and that they are "soul mates". But she pushed him away by horribly insulting him when she didn't the attention she felt she needed from him. Oh, lightbulb moment...just like her perception of me not giving her the "right" attention. I feel sorry for that guy. No, she does not have kids. As far as my relationship, I ended it last night. I just have to make sure everything is good with her step mom (my very good friend). Her StepMom is keenly aware her step daughter's problems as is supportive of my boundaries.

I have seen your postings and have read the links you provide. Thanks so much for that information.

FourSeasons

Actually, my mother wasn't happy until I finally broke. She is extremely mean, nasty, jealous, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, and out of her mind, crazy. There is nothing you can do with these types of people. They thrive on you feeling bad for them and they suck the absolute life out of you. It is about them all the time. You must always be at there beckon call to soothe, nurture, and comfort them. And, no matter what, it is never enough. They constantly raise the bar and change their expectations and then get even more angry for your failure to soothe, nurture, and provide comfort. It doesn't get better no matter what you do. Having a BPD in your life is truly a no win.

Talk to her mother and express your concerns that you have regarding her step daughter.

Other than that, that nut job and her happiness is not your responsibility