Celticgirl

I had an epiphany in the past day. Ever since the events of last week (hus arrested for DUI), I have been living in fear, fear of word getting out, fear of him losing his job, fear of us becoming broke and homeless as a result. I haven't slept well or eaten much or been able to calm my racing heart. I can't talk to anyone about this, and it's eating me up.

I thank all of you who responded to my original post. Your kind words and insight have been very calming.

I have decided that I am tired of feeling like this. I don't want to live in fear. I logically know that things will pass and get better, but I feel like I want to race through each day to see what the next holds, whether that will be the day the **** hits the fan. That day may be tomorrow, next week, or never. I don't know.

Therefore, I am consciously making a decision to remain calm, to live in the moment (if I possibly can), to do what I can to keep things going smoothly in MY life and my children's lives. My husband too is worried and anxious, but he can shoulder some of this burden. It doesn't all need to be on me. I am not the one that got arrested; I am not the one that lost my license. I am completely supportive of him, but I am not his mother. He's an adult who can figure a lot of this out on his own.

Again, thanks for all your insight. Anybody have any tips they use or things they repeat to themselves to keep from being so codependent? I could really use some positive feedback.

I almost forgot to add probably the most important thing: Staying sober. I will not drink. I cannot drink. That will not solve anything. When I drink, I can't stop, which leads to stress and fighting with my husband. We don't need that and the kids sont need that.

honeypig

Great post, Celticgirl--it sounds like your eyes are open and your mind is working.

Stay sober, keep reading and posting and take care of yourself and your kids. As you said, your AH is an adult and can clean up his OWN mess. Not your responsibility.

Celticgirl

The thing is, it affects us. If he loses his job, it will affect us tremendously. But that hasn't happened yet, so there's no need for me to worry about that right now, right? I may sound strong in that post, but I feel so uncertain. I'm hanging on by a thread right now.

honeypig

Do you go to either AA or Alanon? You'd likely find a lot of support for both your own drinking issues as well as the problems you're having as a result of living with an active A. Considering your situation, I'd strongly encourage you to look into both of those options. SR is a great place, but it's also important to have in-person support too. I use Alanon and SR both, for the strong points of each.

You'll likely find a lot of help w/the codependence issue at Alanon too--it's a common problem for us Alanoid types!

AA info: Alcoholics Anonymous :

Alanon info: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Both sites have links for meeting directories worldwide; you should be able to locate something there.

Sasha4

I don't know if it is related to co-dependancy but the following phrase helps me.

'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end'.

Sometimes when I think back to times in my life when I was so sad, so hurt, so unable to see the wood for the trees, I think of this phrase and I realise that most times, the world did not end and I survived and it all was okay.

xxxx

Hammer

hmmmm, Stay sober. Being supportive.

makes me think you MUST be coming from the AA side of the house? Or at least the A side without AA?

If so -- welcome across the wall to the Alanon side of the school house. If the AA part is also the case, welcome to the Dual Degree program, AND it sounds like you are needing the accelerated learning program? Gotta tell you sister -- THAT is full-load program you are going to be working. But then again, once you figure out that YOU cannot carry that load (and that God can) you will be looking a pretty smooth and fast flight.

Dunno about that relying on him for the income and all rest. What you are more likely to find down the path, is he is -- or at least has been -- an irresponsible idiot. Yunno they do not just give DUIs away to everyone. Have to earn those.

You are absolutely correct, the kids are your number 1 priority. What I have found after that is that I have to be the next priority to ensure the kids are covered. The A just does not seem to make the priority list.

Celticgirl

Love your message, Sasha. I'm adopting that one. He's got some experience with AA and will likely be going to classes for that. We're trying to support each other. Yeah, Hammer, he was an irresponsible idiot and put himself in this place. We both know it. He ****ed up big time and is accepting responsibility.

We've got 30 plus years together, most of them good. I guess since I'm the mom, the wife, the middle child, the Type A personality that I am I feel the need to have some control over the situation. This is a hard lesson for me to learn.

Mango blast

Keep in mind that being sober doesn't equate being in recovery. (you may already know this, but strangely enough I'm just learning the huge difference between the two.) Work on your own recovery, support your husband through his, but don't try to shoulder his load. It's not yours to carry.

Wishing you all the best.

Celticgirl

Funny, I think I'm the one that needs the recovery more than him, although I'm sure he could benefit from it. I'm the one that has had the blackouts and the inability to stop. I guess I've just had the sense not to drive in those situations. I shudder to think what would happen if I had ever attempted that.

Yes, we both need to focus on our future, and that future will probably require some kind of recovery program for me. I haven't had a drink in five days. It's been a long time since I've been able to say that.

Sasha4

I once worked for a really tough company.

I do not know how they got away with the way they treated employees.
We were a small, experienced team, but the turnover was massive.

They sacked people left right and centre. People were on long term sick. People were leaving permanent full time jobs for maternity/sickness contracts.

When I read that quote I thought it was beautiful and reassuring.

That company does not exist anymore.
Went under, got taken over.

When I look at my former colleagues I worked with, despite being so unhappy, some so stressed, every single one of us ended up in a far better job than the one we had. We were all okay in the end.


I'm glad you like it. xxxx

kab

hi celticgirl,,,what helps me the most when I start to worry about everything,i pray,pray,pray,and one more thing,i pray.i ask my hp JESUS to help me.i ask him to remove my worries,i turn them over to him and I let them go and put my worries in his hands,,,for me my strongest tool in my aa toolbox is prayer.im praying for you right now.you don't need to drink,,it wont help you with your problems,,they will still be there,,but this time they will be in GODS hands,,,,,,remember"JLY"

Bubovski

Hang on in there what you say is right, not easy, but right!

Celticgirl

Let go and let God. I'm all about that right now

Lulu39

I'm sorry you are living like this.

I used to live like this and that's why I kicked my AXH out.

Every day was living on eggshells waiting for his next SURPRISE! He managed (with a LOT of my help) to get himself a great job about 9 months before he left. When he got that job he was so full of himself and the fact that the benefits were so good he could fake being sick whenever he felt like it. And he did. He still does. With impunity. Addicts have so many extremely bad "colds" and "flus" and "food poisoning" - they seem to eat bad food a lot more than other people don't they?

I don't know for how much longer his employer will put up with it. As disengaged as I try to think I now am, I am still slightly fearful of the day he finally gets the sack. But, thank God, actually no, thank ME, he doesn't live here any more and his f*ckups no longer directly affect me and the kids.

Logically, things may not get better. If he is still drinking then things will most likely get worse. How much more are you willing to put up with?

Celticgirl

Lulu, living with stress IS awful, for the whole family. I must say, though, he has not had a drop since this happened, and neither have I. It was a bad choice - had a couple drinks and got pulled for making an illegal turn. Chances are, he wouldn't have been stopped otherwise. Of course that's not the point - the point is he drove after drinking. He's accepting this and wanting to move on. This is the first real, major f***up he's had in over 30 years of me knowing him.

He doesn't call in sick. He doesn't spend all day in bed with a hangover. He doesn't get falling down drunk (although I have on occasion). He's really a good man that made a terrible decision. I am just hopeful that this is a HUGE turning point for the whole family about honesty and trust and moving forward.

Of course if he decides to start drinking again, that's a different story. I will have to consider options. Right now I think that he's honestly and sincerely going to make it right. That's all I can hope for.

KariSue

A quote I like and helps me sometimes is "I can't help how I feel right now but I can help how I think and act." Unknown author

Laurel

lizatola

My AH got a DUI about 18 months ago and his company never found out. His job requires him to drive and to travel and even the rental car companies have never checked his license. He is still on his ignition interlock restriction and he also did a few days in jail along with home detention after the incident. He swore, for the first 2 months after it, that he was done drinking and he wanted to make amends to the family, etc. Unfortunately, it didn't last. His remorse turned into anger and it didn't take long before he was drinking again, and hiding it so I didn't find out for a while, either. I had hope that this would have been his bottom. It wasn't. I still don't know what will be, but that's not important because I'm learning that I can't control what he does anyway so I use Al Anon to turn the focus to myself, to start doing things I've always wanted to do, to make sure I'm being the best mom I can be, etc.

I, too, lived in fear that he would lose his job, that he would get a second DUI and that surely would bring us to the depths of he**, including a job loss. It hasn't happened.....yet. But, I don't live in fear of that anymore. For me, when I think about what 'might' happen or what 'could' happen, I remind myself to live in today and to say, "just for today, things are OK: he has his job, we have some money in savings, we are healthy, we are safe, etc" and these things keep me grounded in the present. The other thing I do is I go to Al Anon meetings and I got a sponsor. Meetings have definitely helped me because I find people in those rooms who have been where I am and who know what I'm feeling.

SR is a great place for support, but finding people in real life who can hug you when you just need a shoulder to cry on, is definitely helpful for our recoveries. Keep coming back!