Flicka57

I read a lot of threads and everyone it seems got the "I'm sorry, I'll stop, please don't leave, blah, blah blah". Actually I would have loved to have that just once. 20 years together, 15 married and now divorced and not once did that man ever apologize or act like he cared or loved me. Wondered if anyone else saw this in their relationship?

Yurt

Well, if they don't see that there is a problem, then I suppose that they don't see the need to apologize. Mine will act lovingly before he starts drinking (usually), but never apologizes for poor behaviors or choices. I agree that some sort of acknowledgement would be nice, but I am not counting on it.

funkynassau

I had an alkie friend who I stopped contact with in June, due to his obnoxious and irritating ways. No I didnt get an apology from him for chasing me away. It was all about him, it's always been all about him, oh woe is me...

He just didnt get it that his actions were the problem, he probably never will.

firebolt

Yeah I rarely get an apology for anything. Even when hes a sober dbag. I think some people genuinely don't feel they do anything wrong. Its maddening to watch an adult defend absurd behavior with such insistence. How hard is it to just freaking apologize?!

Yurt

The expression that I usually hear is "I was just being painfully honest." That is, if he remembers the conversation.

Hammer

Mrs. Hammer's dad said it best (about Mrs. Hammer) -- "She rarely says Thank You, and NEVER says I am sorry."

True dat, FIL -- about 10 years into this mess.

All joking aside, the Cannot Apologize is a trademark part of some of the Personality Disorder(s) -- Mental Illness -- parts that track along in some Long Term Addiction, A, etc.

They are damaged, they have some level of awareness, but if they acknowledged ever being wrong, their emotional state cannot handle it.

My specific experience is regarding Borderline Personality Disorder, but the Personality Disorders tend to track together . . . .

Example:

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BPD Self-Image Instability, Apologizing - The Borderline Treatment Official Website

Flicka57

Thank you all so much for your input. I kept reading these books about the alcoholic who is either verbally, emotionally or physically abusive and they always talk about this cycle of the abuser doing something and then apologizing and kept thinking--gee what's wrong with me I never got an apology so I'm glad I'm not alone in this and there are a few of you that went through this also. I'm always the type to immediately apologize and then correct the situation as best and fast as I can and I guess that makes me a target--it seems I got a lot of abusers in my life.

OnawaMiniya

I'm not sure if that's better. Broken promises, lies...that's all it is when it comes out of my husband's mouth. Yours never pretended. I'm not saying that's better. I'm not saying either is better or worse.

I get so tired of the apologies. One aspect that I get really fed up with is if I don't react the way he wants me to when he's remorseful, there is hell to pay. His apologies and promises are not about soothing me - they are about easing his conscience when it (rarely) rears its head. Assuring him.

The apologies are not ever about how hurt I am.

Screw them either way. We deserve better.

Peace.

atalose

In think that is one of the learning curves for the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts. After all they use substances so they don't have to feel so they don't have to experience the reality of life.

And usually in active addiction the sorry's and remorse tend to be manipulations in order for them to gain something....moving back home, food to eat, a car to drive, money in their pocket etc. etc.

When someone says sorry over and over again for the same behaviors, they really don't mean it, period.

As codies we expect the unexpected because we are "emotional based" where the people we are expecting remorse to come from simply are not.

My recovery and moving on and away from a failed relationship with an addict can't lie in what he/she didn't do it can only lie in what was my part in it. Why did I stay in a relationship where I didn't feel loved or cared about? Discovering the answer to that is where my future happiness lies.

Hammer

Just because you have those quality features does not somehow make you one down.

What makes you/me/us in the one down position is that we tolerate the abusive behaviors from others -- in particular the abusive mentally ill and A's.

Those behaviors you/me/us demonstrate are classic "caretaker" or as one Alanon recently pointed out should be called "caregivers." The Vampire A's and Mental Ill Abusive types look for a Caregiver -- and then proceed to suck them/us dry.

Said it more than few times on here, but it bears repeating -- A's are Users.

People who have the sense to not deal with A's or dump/divorce them or whatever -- simply will not or no longer tolerate being used. But even in a passive world the best way to get rid of a User is to become Useless to them.

Hammer

And on balance of the other side of things -- the folks who make it back to humanity through AA or other such programs, DO have to face and complete some fairly serious moral recognition. Look at what 7 of the 12 AA Steps involve -- taking self-responsibility, proper apologies, atonement, and correct action in the future.

No wonder so few make it through, and even those that do face relapse and dry drunk status for failure to maintain these standards.

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4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

trixie56

My XABF never apologized for his drinking, rudeness and thoughtlessness. He did apologize for dumping me the first time, and said he "changed." That lasted for about 3 weeks, and then he was getting drunk, standing me up, verbally assaulting me, etc. He never apologized for any of that. Then, he went AWOL without any explanation. I'm trying to accept the fact that he is, in fact, a very ill person incapable of a heathy, loving relationship.

Yurt

After trying to have a rational discussion with H, I finally get it. No apologies because (wait for it), it's usually my fault!!

ZenMe

Mine never really apologized. And would string me along with "i'm getting my antabuse this weekend, oh the pharmacy was closed on saturday (which wasn't true) etc etc"

The apology that really matters won't come. It's either the pointless cycle where sorries lose their meaning (like others have mentioned) or nothing at all. Even if you got one I doubt it would feel like a real apology. We want a sane rational person who loves us and is truly remorseful to apologize, so not the alcoholic we know haha.

Interestingly enough as codies I do believe we train others to not prioritize our feelings, well being (since we don't prioritize them either) and this leads to not getting our needs met, things like getting a real apology or else.

LifeRecovery

For me this has become one of the biggest signs in my life that I am out of balance.

Knee jerk apologizing is a sign I am in a co-dependent mess, and that I am trying to smooth someone else's feelings...so I don't have to feel the impact of his or her (or my behavior).

I kept waiting for an apology at the end (he had an affair also), that was a sign of my sickness. His behavior had told me for years I was not going to get this but I kept believing that he would change, just like I did when I was staying in the active drinking.

Now I tend to look at it as a favor he did me. If he had apologized I would have been hooked that much longer, because it would have lead me to heap more "stuff" on me as my fault.

healthyagain

I get many many apologies, and actually I even got one "I love you" this morning, but what's the point? They do not really count if they are only a part of somebody's routine.

Mightyqueen801

Moi.

Mine never said he would stop drinking or promise to change. He would just scream at me and call me names or throw things at me or threaten to disappear with our daughter.

I was 16 years with him, 10 of them married. Well, almost 10. On the tenth anniversary of our wedding I was in court getting a restraining order.

The only time I ever got any "promise" was after he'd entered an out-patient program that he was required to complete in order to allow him to have unsupervised visitation with our daughter. He wrote me this lame letter saying how much he loved me and missed me and wanted to make our marriage work and would change. I'm pretty sure someone made him/helped him write the letter, and it was just too damn late. Right after I threw him out, my father died suddenly. I was already 41, no hope of ever having a home or more children, and to me there was no point in continuing with this man who had put me so deeply into debt that it would affect me for the rest of my life. That smarmy little fake apology letter did not cut it.

I responded, VERY nicely, saying that I'd tried for so long but that I no longer had any interest in trying again and that I hoped we could continue as good parents to our daughter. My mother gave him the letter when he came to see our daughter, and she said he cursed and tore the letter up and threw it away. He later referred to it as "the nasty letter I wrote him". It was not nasty whatsoever. Obviously, I was right about how deep his sentiments went.

Of course, I still have to live with the knowledge that he never did love me or care about me, either, and that I was so damn stupid for believing that he did. That's the hardest thing for me to shake. The embarrassment and shame of wanting to badly to be loved that I let myself be such an effin' fool.

Hammer

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You may not think so, but out here in the further reaches, I would trade my eye teeth for that.

Odd phrase there - trade one's eye teeth?

More like around here -- if she were horny I might get funked, and then glared at in the morning.

Then I run around in circles doing the "I love you" thing, before I give up again in a couple of days.

Geeezzzz. I am pathetic.

Flicka57

Wow, everyone was right on target with this--even those that got apologies recognized they were somehow worthless.

In my case, my exA promised to at least stay with me until I completed my one surgery & radiation (I even made him shake my hand on this) but nope! 6 weeks later he was off & started mediation/divorce process leaving me without health insurance and bringing escorts to our home. I know word has gotten back to him about all my medical bills piling up (he's still getting my mail forwarded occasionally). If no apology boy I sure would like to hear that one of his friends at least had the nerve to confront him with him putting me in the position that I could possibly lose my life for this lack of healthcare. Sold everything I have left to sell & now goes the house--after that I have to give up and put in a higher power's hands because I've done all I could but sure would love some acknowledgement of my life before it's over.

OnawaMiniya

You too, huh?

If it was not so awful I'd have to think it was funny. The total lack of self awareness or courage they display...