Does he have a problem with Alcohol?

Old 08-25-2013, 03:27 AM
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Does he have a problem with Alcohol?

This is my first time posting in any forum/starting a thread, so I apologise if I have posted in the wrong area or am bringing up an old subject and I don’t if I should be here or not, I don’t know if my partner has a problem with alcohol or if I am being a bit paranoid, so please feel free to tell me if I am. I’m at my wits end at the moment and I don’t want talk to my friends or family, as I don’t want to influence their opinion about him or have them think anything less of him, but I do need to get it out as I feel like I’m going crazy.

I have been with my partner for five years, he is a kind person and he is fun to be around. He does not drink often, sometimes only once a month, but when he does drink, a majority of the time, it is so upsetting. He randomly just decides to start drinking on a whim for no reason, and the problem is, he doesn’t know when to stop and he gets really drunk, he knows that I disapprove of this so he does not contact me or answer my calls when he is in the pub, which is infuriating. When he eventually comes home and I confront him he gets irate and a bit nasty telling, but this is a reaction to me being annoyed with him more so than being nasty just for the sake of it, this alone might sound a bit trivial, but the bigger problem lies in the fact that I am awake all night when he has had too much to drink as he has a tendency to vomit in his sleep and I am afraid that he will choke and he sometimes loses control of his bladder.

When we have family occasions I dread when he drinks as he gets so drunk and does really embarrassing things, and he also has a tendency to air or problems in front of anyone who will listen, his judgment is completely impaired when he is drinking.

When we go out I have to shorten my nights to take him home, so I can’t enjoy going out when he is with me. I must stress that he does not do this very often and he can go out sometimes and drink only a couple of drinks and he is fine, but more often than not he cannot handle the amount of alcohol he consumes, and recently he has been drinking on his own in the house and in the past week he has randomly gone for a walk and ended up in a bar for the entire day ignoring my calls and last night he didn’t come home at all, however his friend rang me at 3.30am saying he was asleep on his couch, but some of the things he was saying didn’t add up, I know that he is not cheating on me, I trust him completely, but he lies so much when it comes to drinking…

When he is sober he agrees that he shouldn’t drink and says that he is going to give up. His hangovers are frightening, and he sometimes (although not recently) talks to himself and calls himself names and even if he is walking in a busy area he will stop and hit himself on the head and say something random like ‘stupid’ or ‘idiot.’

Maybe I’m the one with the problem and I probably sound like I am moaning about nothing, my partner is not physically abusive or threatening, but it is very hard to see anything clearly at the moment. I was just hoping that someone can relate to this, does my partner have a problem with alcohol, or am I being completely controlling?
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:11 AM
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Regardless of whether he has a problem with drinking or is an alcoholic, he knows you disapprove but continues to choose booze over you. First, I would be asking myself if this is the kind of relationship I want. I do not think you are the "one with the problem" and if he is unwilling to change...

That said, he appears to be displaying similar patterns of behavior that I used to do. The lying, the sneaking off to the bar, the over the top binges, not answering calls, and disappearing for whole nights. IMO, this is not normal and points strongly to an eventual drinking problem if it isn't there all ready. Almost everyone swears off alcohol during a hangover, however, it takes real commitment and action to stop.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:41 AM
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Thank you for answering me, am so fed up, I feel like I can't confront him because it will end in a fight and he will turn it on me and somehow it will end up being my fault. I just feel like I have nobody to talk to about this and it's driving me crazy... How did you eventually come to realise you needed to sober up? Did you have to reach that conclusion yourself or did friends/family have to step in?
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:42 AM
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Saxa, I think deep down we all know when red flags are there.

Is he ready to stop for good? If not, you may need to consider what the future holds. Sending you best wishes.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by SaxaBoru View Post
How did you eventually come to realise you needed to sober up? Did you have to reach that conclusion yourself or did friends/family have to step in?
I realized I needed to sober up in my 20s, because I could not control my drinking and it was causing too much pain. I realized this on my own.

I started to take action to sober in my mid 40s. Again, the pain was simply too great and had grown worse. I realized this on my own. However, my father is a recovering alcoholic, so I had a heads up on making the drinking-life problems connection. I knew what the classic symptoms of alcoholism were. If you Google "Are you an alcoholic" it should bring up several tests one can take to help them decided if they are an alcoholic.

Family and friends can help illuminate the problem, but don't be surprised if the deny a problem and then get really drunk.
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Old 08-25-2013, 05:00 AM
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There are lots of red flags popping up in how you have described your partner's behavior and it does not sound like you are imagining a problem already exists or clearly is developing.

Only your partner can make a change for himself and only you can make a change for yourself, jazzfish asks an important question "is this the kind of relationship you want?"
and it seems your partner is balking at your disapproval with his behavior and his frightening hangovers are not enough for him to recognize something ain't right and you need to take of you.

Soulfully
"The pains you feel are messengers listen to them"
- Rumi
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Old 08-25-2013, 05:06 AM
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If you have to ask its a problem or its a problem for you.period.
Second guessing yourself in this feeling is just burying your feeling and/or whats going on.
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