New here - Wife of an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
New here - Wife of an addict
Hi all. I've found this site through recent google searches, googling things i never would have thought I'd need.
I've been married to my husband for ten years; he has been the hardest working, most loving and kindest man I know. He was my rock and our home was a safe, happy place for both of us. We have no children, only cats.
About six weeks ago, he went zero to 60 with his drinking, which was shocking to me because it came seemingly out of nowhere. After a couple days of crisis and downward spiraling, he finally admitted to me that he was a heroin addict. I've never been more blindsided in my life. He says he was drinking so much to combat the withdrawal effects of the heroin, which he had been using for about a year, after becoming addicted to Percocet when he broke his foot in the fall of 2011. (The pill addiction was also a shock--I'd had no idea.) When I look back, I can see the signs but was pretty oblivious for the past couple of years, i guess mostly because I trusted him blindly and never considered the possibility of him being a drug addict. Anyway, once he confessed everything, he went to detox that same day and then to a 28 day inpatient facility. He took it very seriously, is attending outpatient aftercare, attends AA and NA meetings, has a sponsor etc.
He got out of inpatient one week ago, and seemed to be feeling great this week. He's been to meetings everyday along with his aftercare groups and expressed relief at getting his (our) life back.
Last night, on his way home from a meeting, he bought a bottle of vodka, drank while driving, and totaled his beloved car. He narrowly escaped a DUI but the cop couldn't prove he was driving and instead told him to consider himself very lucky that nobody was hurt and that he wasn't going to jail. I have been in a state of panic ever since because i was finally starting to feel safe again and it blew up in my face. He did not use heroin last night as evidenced by a home UA. He also is having panic attacks today. Right now, he is meeting with his sponsor to discuss a "plan of action" and then I will be picking him up from a NA meeting. I'm heartbroken and terrified and could use any support from people who have been in similar positions. Thank you for letting me spill my guts.
I've been married to my husband for ten years; he has been the hardest working, most loving and kindest man I know. He was my rock and our home was a safe, happy place for both of us. We have no children, only cats.
About six weeks ago, he went zero to 60 with his drinking, which was shocking to me because it came seemingly out of nowhere. After a couple days of crisis and downward spiraling, he finally admitted to me that he was a heroin addict. I've never been more blindsided in my life. He says he was drinking so much to combat the withdrawal effects of the heroin, which he had been using for about a year, after becoming addicted to Percocet when he broke his foot in the fall of 2011. (The pill addiction was also a shock--I'd had no idea.) When I look back, I can see the signs but was pretty oblivious for the past couple of years, i guess mostly because I trusted him blindly and never considered the possibility of him being a drug addict. Anyway, once he confessed everything, he went to detox that same day and then to a 28 day inpatient facility. He took it very seriously, is attending outpatient aftercare, attends AA and NA meetings, has a sponsor etc.
He got out of inpatient one week ago, and seemed to be feeling great this week. He's been to meetings everyday along with his aftercare groups and expressed relief at getting his (our) life back.
Last night, on his way home from a meeting, he bought a bottle of vodka, drank while driving, and totaled his beloved car. He narrowly escaped a DUI but the cop couldn't prove he was driving and instead told him to consider himself very lucky that nobody was hurt and that he wasn't going to jail. I have been in a state of panic ever since because i was finally starting to feel safe again and it blew up in my face. He did not use heroin last night as evidenced by a home UA. He also is having panic attacks today. Right now, he is meeting with his sponsor to discuss a "plan of action" and then I will be picking him up from a NA meeting. I'm heartbroken and terrified and could use any support from people who have been in similar positions. Thank you for letting me spill my guts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
dizzle00,
Welcome to SR. Please review the condensed wisdom posted above the daily
posts. They are a wealth of information, experience, and help. I'm glad you found
SR. It has been of incalculable value to me as well as many, many others.
Welcome to SR. Please review the condensed wisdom posted above the daily
posts. They are a wealth of information, experience, and help. I'm glad you found
SR. It has been of incalculable value to me as well as many, many others.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: somerset
Posts: 51
Oh hun I myself had no idea of my husbands addiction to cocaine it is one of the biggest life shocks ever, but like yourself there were signs I just didn't notice them, he started with drink then I had a big chat with him thinking I had helped him understand what he was doing to us, I was completely wrong he stopped drinking and switched up to coke so not knowing I thought he was doing really well its a hard road ahead but you can do it everybody here is lovely and we are and have been through similar things xxxxxooooo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Sounds like you need a recovery program of your own.
Recovery from addiction is non linear, there will be many bumps and bruises along the way, how you deal with it is solely up to you, you need your own support system, al anon, counseling, SR.
Take care of yourself.
Recovery from addiction is non linear, there will be many bumps and bruises along the way, how you deal with it is solely up to you, you need your own support system, al anon, counseling, SR.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
What took me to Al-Anon was my experience with a severely addicted alcoholic, and I remember the dread I lived with day by day, and the temporary feeling that I was "safe again" because he had managed not to drink for a few weeks. He did not add drugs to the mix, but his powerlessness over the compulsion was the same.
What made him different from your AH was his refusal to go to treatment or to AA. He had periods of white-knuckle, the longest lasting two months. And when he did drink again, his behavior was much more extreme, as though the period of sobriety had ramped up the addiction during the calm.
What happens to us is that we become obsessed with the addicted person, we live with free-floating anxiety, we are on hyper-alert to control any crisis that occurs, and we think we should be able to do something or say something which will make all the difference in our spouse's condition.
But the best course of action is to take ourselves out of the picture entirely, regarding his drinking or using and his attempts to stop. If we cannot do that while living with the addict--it is a real challenge to do it while under the same roof--then we need to separate. Because time and again we get in the way. Time and again we think we know what's best and we do the complete opposite of what's best--clueless. We become extremely codependent, meaning that our every thought, feeling, action, and plan is based entirely on the condition of the addict. Our other relationships suffer, we become isolated, depressed, resentful, and self-pitying. And we blame it on the addict.
Going to counseling and going to Al-Anon is, in my opinion, the healthy course of action to take, and, if necessary for the sake of detaching from trying to control the addict, a period of separation.
You are not going to be "safe" for a long time. Let go any vision of a near-term solution to what is happening. This is a serious, lifetime battle for your AH and the first two to three years of trying to stay sober will be quite intense for him. I do not understand addiction, not in my gut. I do not understand that kind of powerlessness. But reading the AA Big Book, I do accept that no matter an individual's moral character, once addicted, the compulsion is overwhelming and overpowering.
If you would like to read the AA Big Book's description of the effects of this powerlessness, you can look at chapters 2 and 3 at Big Book Online Fourth Edition. It might help solidify for you that you can do nothing to control your AH's thinking and behavior. Trying to direct him will generally just enable him to continue drinking/using. Spouses of addicts are famous for rescue, which helps not at all. It HURTS the addict.
If you decide to continue to live with him during these next couple years of attempts at sobriety, you will need face to face support and an acceptance of your powerlessness and of his powerlessness over the condition of addiction. To stay in anger and disgust will only destroy you.
What made him different from your AH was his refusal to go to treatment or to AA. He had periods of white-knuckle, the longest lasting two months. And when he did drink again, his behavior was much more extreme, as though the period of sobriety had ramped up the addiction during the calm.
What happens to us is that we become obsessed with the addicted person, we live with free-floating anxiety, we are on hyper-alert to control any crisis that occurs, and we think we should be able to do something or say something which will make all the difference in our spouse's condition.
But the best course of action is to take ourselves out of the picture entirely, regarding his drinking or using and his attempts to stop. If we cannot do that while living with the addict--it is a real challenge to do it while under the same roof--then we need to separate. Because time and again we get in the way. Time and again we think we know what's best and we do the complete opposite of what's best--clueless. We become extremely codependent, meaning that our every thought, feeling, action, and plan is based entirely on the condition of the addict. Our other relationships suffer, we become isolated, depressed, resentful, and self-pitying. And we blame it on the addict.
Going to counseling and going to Al-Anon is, in my opinion, the healthy course of action to take, and, if necessary for the sake of detaching from trying to control the addict, a period of separation.
You are not going to be "safe" for a long time. Let go any vision of a near-term solution to what is happening. This is a serious, lifetime battle for your AH and the first two to three years of trying to stay sober will be quite intense for him. I do not understand addiction, not in my gut. I do not understand that kind of powerlessness. But reading the AA Big Book, I do accept that no matter an individual's moral character, once addicted, the compulsion is overwhelming and overpowering.
If you would like to read the AA Big Book's description of the effects of this powerlessness, you can look at chapters 2 and 3 at Big Book Online Fourth Edition. It might help solidify for you that you can do nothing to control your AH's thinking and behavior. Trying to direct him will generally just enable him to continue drinking/using. Spouses of addicts are famous for rescue, which helps not at all. It HURTS the addict.
If you decide to continue to live with him during these next couple years of attempts at sobriety, you will need face to face support and an acceptance of your powerlessness and of his powerlessness over the condition of addiction. To stay in anger and disgust will only destroy you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
I'm sorry for the situation that has brought you here but want to welcome you just the same. There is much experience here and everyone has been through similar situations with their loved ones. My wife and I are both addicts in recovery but it was her relapse that brought me here.
I'd like to echo other sentiments that you would do well to attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. I see that you are in Seattle. There are members of our group here on Sober Recovery that are from Seattle and if their recovery is any indication of the strength of these programs locally, then there is good recovery there and you will find many who will be willing to help you.
I'd like to echo other sentiments that you would do well to attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. I see that you are in Seattle. There are members of our group here on Sober Recovery that are from Seattle and if their recovery is any indication of the strength of these programs locally, then there is good recovery there and you will find many who will be willing to help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
Thank you everyone for responding and for your wisdom and support. I will be attending my first al anon meeting this week and I'm reading some self-help books on codependency ("Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and "Soaring Above Co-Addiction by Lisa Espich). I am codependent by nature but never imagined my husband would end up walking this path. I know it's going to be a long, hard journey ahead and hope I can find my own recovery as my husband finds his. I plan on supporting him as long as he keeps fighting for his sobriety, health and life. It's nice to know we aren't alone--it feels like it sometimes. Our families are a great support group as well. I look forward to reading more of your posts here on SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by dizzle00 
I'm reading some self-help books on codependency ("Soaring Above Co-Addiction by Lisa Espich). I am codependent by nature but never imagined my husband would end up walking this path. I know it's going to be a long, hard journey ahead and hope I can find my own recovery as my husband finds his. I plan on supporting him as long as he keeps fighting for his sobriety, health and life. It's nice to know we aren't alone--it feels like it sometimes. Our families are a great support group as well. I look forward to reading more of your posts here on SR.
My husband also became addicted to pain meds after an injury; came as a shock also when his behavior started changing because I (and his doctor) thought he was no longer taking them at all...
Its so fortunate your husband was not injured in the accident, and also I feel its good he has this second chance because it sounds like he is really trying to help himself. I hope the IOP offers 1:1 counseling for him also.... My husband did a 90 day rehab, and then came home continues to work with a therapist. My husband is around 16 months clean now. There have been a lot of ups and downs, but overall we have grown closer, and I think stronger as individuals and as a couple. I used therapy for myself also; has been very helpful.
There is a thread on the substance abuse forum that might be helpful for you; written by the husband fighting his own addiction to opiate pain meds: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...irst-step.html
Deep Breaths
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Hugs to you!! I'm in a similar situation with my husband and I wish we only had cats...two toddlers is too much to handle. Some days I don't even leave the house so it's impossible for me to go to meetings etc. I just appreciate this forum!!
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