Elis

Her Dad and I split up 1 1/2 years ago because of his alcoholism (and cheating, lying, verbal and emotional abuse... you know the type). We finally settled our custody case in June and he is permitted supervised visits for 2 hours on Thursday and 8 hours on Sunday. He has never seen her on a Thursday and has only seen her 3 times on a Sunday and for only a couple hours. Of course he showers her with gifts when they are together so she loves seeing him. He is also permitted to call her once a day. He claims that he does not need a supervisor because he has quit drinking and on top of that, he cannot afford a supervisor (but he can afford to buy her hundreds of dollars on gifts). He refuses to ask his sister but has said that he will pay me if I will be the supervisor (not going to happen). Yesterday, he sent a dozen long stemmed red roses to my office with a card that read "You are a great Mommy. Love, your daughter" - but he can't pay a supervisor. One of my co-workers is enjoying the flowers now.

When he is on the phone with our daughter, he says things like "I have a bike for you but Mommy won't let me give it to you" or "I want you to come over and swim but Mommy won't let you". Today, when she got off the phone with him, she said Daddy wants to know what time we are going to his house tomorrow. She isn't going to his house because he doesn't have a supervisor but he won't tell her that. One day he told her that he was a block away from our house but he can't come over because Mommy hates Daddy. Recently, she has not wanted to talk to him on the phone because she is in the middle of playing with her dolls or watching a movie. When she tells him that she doesn't want to talk right now, he either hangs up on her or tells her that she must not love her Daddy so she isn't going to get any toys. I am constantly trying to explain why things aren't going to happen the way Daddy says they will.

He has never been a big part of her life so she doesn't ask why he isn't around but she does believe him when he says that he will see her on Sunday eventhough he knows that he won't. I have an appointment with a child psychologist on Thursday but I hate that he puts her in the middle. Any advice on how to handle this?

Oh - he claims to be in AA and his "higher power" is his daughter.

Thanks

pinkdog

Hi. The child psychologist sounds like a great idea. Well done.

fml23

I am new and I have no advice to give. I am just filing for divorce from my AH and have a 2 1/2 daughter with him, so ur post strikes a chord. I'm so sorry your X is using ur daughter to get to you and involving her in his issues. I'm sure lots of wiser ppl have practical advice but I try to remember in reference to my own daughter: kids r resilient and smart enuf to see the dynamics of adult relationships, even if they don't fully understand. Your daughter has a healthy a mom and that goes a long way!

pinkdog

Hi again. At the top of this page click on forums. Scroll down the forum lists: there is one relationships and parenting. Maybe that will help.

funkynassau

I think you should start writing down these things he says to her and how she reacts to them. Keep a paper trail, show the psychologist and any doctor or court ordered person that is involved. He needs to get it pointed out clearly that he cant keep putting her in the middle, lying to her, plying her with gifts etc. She will pay the price for his actions if this continues.

Also make note of missed and/or shortened visits.